Let him go
A/N:- Last few chapters, almost there.
Mikado didn't have time to cry. Truth be told he wasn't given time to cry. His mother and his father smothered him, telling him it would be okay and that he already had Izaya.
Izaya said nothing though he did scowl when his parents bad mouthed Shizuo. For his part he hadn't taken off the ring. The silver band was heavy on his finger. That's what his mother was most annoyed about; his marriage to Shizuo. She didn't like that he hadn't consulted her. She wasn't there seeing her only child on what should have been the happiest day of his life.
His mother's reservations went on and on forming a list that had well and truly screwed up the fortissimo's chances of playing happy families. Whilst his mother's opinion of Shizuo plummeted to depths he hadn't known were possible, her expectations of Izaya swelled.
They hadn't spoken to each other regarding the absence of their old lover. Mikado was weak, feeling sick at the mention of Shizuo's name. Shizuo had become a forbidden word in the Ryugamine household.
Mikado stood with his empty plate, walking around the table to collect Izaya's. As he took them to the sink his mother spoke. "You should get legal advice." Mikado flinched setting the plates in the sink. "Marriage is a binding agreement. You and Izaya-kun will never be able to get married."
"We don't need to." Mikado twisted the tap harshly.
"Well of course you do. If you want to be recognised-"
"We can't." Izaya answered taking the attention away from him. "I can't use my identity. Even if Mikado-kun managed to get a divorce, ours would be a forgery."
"But surely-"
"Mom, Izaya's a ghost." Mikado sighed head bowed. Because of him the older raven could never flaunt in public like before.
"As long as we're together," Izaya stood moving to his side. "nothing else matters."
"But that's not fair." Mikado smiled at the whine in his mother's voice.
"Perhaps not." Kanra clutched Izaya's hand. "What's done is done. Now we move forward."
"As for this husband of yours," His mother couldn't hide her disgust. "he's not welcome in this house."
Mikado nodded. Shizuo would never be on peaceful terms with his parents. Which didn't matter since he'd been abandoned. It was the sixth day since they'd gone to meet up with Shizuo, full of excitement and nerves. Only to return empty handed, sitting in silence on the train ride back trying not to cry.
"I'll finish the dishes. Why don't you two go and play." Mikado didn't argue, quietly shuffling out of the kitchen. He didn't look to see if Izaya was following, he knew he would be.
It hurt. Through all the planning to be together, he'd thought Shizuo had finally come around. They'd both thought he would stay with them. They'd both been wrong. Like Izaya, Shizuo was a ghost. There was no way to track down someone that no longer existed.
Shizuo had made his choice. The blonde was free from them, from his guilt and lingering regrets. Apart from the scars and memories that would follow him. At least he'd thought so, until Kanra had pointed out that they weren't permanent. The ring could be taken off and Izaya's name could be covered with surgery. It terrified him that one day they could pass Shizuo in the street and not recognise him. Kasuka would help reinvent him, from appearance to mannerisms.
"Mikado, watch your step." Izaya caught him as his foot went too far forward, kicking the next and stubbing his toe.
"Sorry." Mikado mumbled.
"Don't apologise." Izaya murmured taking his hand.
x-x-x
Another nightmare. Mikado was used to them by now. Opening his eyes he refrained from shooting up and panicking. Next to him Izaya lay still. "Izaya?" He whispered into the dark.
"Mm?"
Mikado rolled on his side, placing his hands against Izaya's chest. Izaya's arm curled around him bringing him closer. The tremors subsided in the raven's warmth. Mikado opened his mouth, swallowing past the lump in his throat. He didn't want to hear the truth but he had to know. "...D-do you think he left Ikebukuro?"
Izaya's breath was harsh as he exhaled too quickly. The raven's arms tightened around him. "Yes." That was it. No explanation or opinion. Mikado dreaded asking a follow up question but he needed to know.
"Why?"
"Because the money was returned."
Mikado shrank in on himself feeling stupid. Two hours after they had returned, the money Izaya had left in Kasuka's care was delivered by an unmarked van. The same bags were stashed under his bed.
"Mikado, I'm not going to leave you." Izaya smoothed his hair down, placing a kiss on top. "I promise."
"I know."
"Good. Try and get some sleep."
Mikado nodded closing his eyes. But he didn't sleep, he didn't want to open himself up to the nightmares hanging on the edge of his consciousness, ready to pounce. Izaya didn't sleep either. The raven was awake remaining still. Neither one of them said another word. It was how their nights passed, clutching hold of one another, trying to fill the void left behind.
x-x-x
Seven days. Mikado awoke unsurprised to see the dark bags under his eyes. Splashing a cool blast of water across his face, the teen rubbed uselessly at his eyes. His mother would notice he hadn't been sleeping. Turning off the tap, Mikado grabbed the towel to dry his face. Izaya was waiting for him when he opened the door in his pyjamas.
"Morning." He murmured.
Izaya gave him a once over, heaving a small sigh. "Morning. Breakfast is on the table."
"You made it?"
"Have to earn my keep somehow."
Mikado flinched. They couldn't stay at his parents forever. Throughout the week Izaya had made subtle hints that they needed to get their own place. They needed to move forward.
"Mikado!" His mother called up the stairs. "There's a call for you."
Izaya raised a brow and Mikado knew he was running every possibility through his head. As for himself, he flew down the stairs before the raven could stop him. In his heart the dredges of hope sparked.
Taking the phone from his mother, he fought not to cry Shizuo's name over the speaker. "H-hello?"
"Mikado Ryugamine?" Mikado deflated, shoulders slumping. It was a woman. Her voice breezy but clipped.
"Yes, that's me."
"You have a room booked at our hotel. If you don't come in today, I'm afraid we'll have to give the room to someone else."
Mikado shook his head. "No, I'll be there."
"Great. We'll see you later today."
Mikado hung up the call after taking down the details, finding Izaya standing over him. Likewise with his mother.
"Mikado? You booked a room in such a high class hotel?"
"Yeah." The teen answered quickly. His own thoughts were racing. "I completely forgot about it."
Rushing upstairs, Mikado grabbed a bag stuffing his clothes inside. The bedroom door closed. "It's not Shizu-chan."
"It could be."
"Or it could be a trap set for you." Izaya didn't look happy.
Mikado clutched the bag. "It's not. The only way I'd go is to look for you or Shizuo. No one knows you're still alive. It's not a trap."
He didn't understand why Izaya wasn't as hopeful as he was. "Then it's a last fuck you from Kasuka-kun." Izaya scowled leaning against the closed door.
Mikado shook his head. "We should check it out."
"No." Izaya folded his arms glaring at the bag.
"Why not?" Mikado asked clutching the strap.
"I don't want you to get your hopes up." Izaya shrugged.
"What's wrong with that?" He cried hating how Izaya was acting. "We need closure. We don't know anything!" The teen paused looking wearily at his lover. "Do we?"
"No-"
"Then this our best chance. This could be our last-"
"Enough." Izaya snapped. Mikado flinched back in surprise.
"Why? Why don't you want to try?"
"It doesn't matter." Izaya muttered. "You're not going."
Mikado pressed forward forcing the last of his clothing into the bag. He'd be covered for three days. "If there's a chance Shizuo is there, then I'm going."
"Let him go!" Izaya barked. "This isn't something Shizu-chan would do. He's not...smart enough. He doesn't know your address or phone number. "
"Then maybe he had help." Mikado threw the bag on the bed clenching his fists. "I- we need to do this!"
"No."
"Why not?" Mikado's voice rose, his skin felt clammy but he kept his eyes on Izaya's. "Don't you want to see him again?"
"Say we go," Izaya said softly. "what will you do if Shizu-chan isn't there?"
"Come back here." He'd be a little sad but he wouldn't regret going to check.
"What will you do if he is there?" Mikado opened his mouth to respond but Izaya wasn't done. "What if he doesn't want to be with you or me?"
"I-" Mikado shook his head. Shizuo loved them, didn't he? "It would break my heart." He finally answered head drooping.
"See, that's why-"
"But then I'd know his decision." Mikado interrupted. "I'd know there was no future for me and Shizuo. It would take time but I'd move on. I have you, Izaya." Mikado crouched down on his knees, bowing in front of the raven, his forehead touching his bedroom floor. "Please. One last shot. Then I'll give up."
Mikado squeezed his eyes shut, listening to Izaya's footsteps crossing the room. He felt the raven's shadow pass over him. Opening his eyes, he raised his head seeing Izaya crouched next to him. His eyes swam with sadness, one thumb smoothed against his cheek.
"Okay. One last time." Izaya said softly. "I don't want you to get hurt."
"I've been hurting already." Mikado rested his head on Izaya's shoulder. "I've learnt not to run away from things. We need an answer and this is it."
x-x-x
The trip wasn't a complete waste. It was ten o'clock and Mikado was currently gawking up at Tokyo tower, like a tourist. Or a child. It was as if all the worries the teen had fled his face leaving behind the innocence he had fallen in love with.
Izaya was a lot more composed taking on his new persona. The indigo jeans had to go, the same with the band tee. He couldn't be seen favouring one group of humans. He'd have to discard his habits.
"Look look." Mikado grinned waving his phone around. "How tall is it?"
"332.9 meters." Izaya answered softly. He didn't want to break the teen's happiness.
"Woah. So tall. Is it the tallest structure in the world?"
"Izaya chuckled shaking his head. "Not by a long shot. The tallest is 830 meters."
"Can we go and see it?"
"You don't know where it is." Izaya took the phone sliding through the pictures taken.
"It doesn't matter. We could go travelling, couldn't we?" Mikado looked painfully lost. Izaya nodded before the light in those shimmering blue eyes died.
"We'll see. Do you want to go up to the observatory?"
"Later please." Mikado smiled but Izaya could see his fingers red from clutching the bag strap too tight. He didn't want to see the teen's heart break. His own was frozen, slowly accepting the protozoan's decision. This was the last chance. If the brute wasn't inside the hotel there would be nothing for them. Izaya would never forgive him and if they did meet again, it would be as enemies.
"Let's go." Izaya turned his back against the view of Tokyo tower, leading Mikado through the doors of the hotel. He didn't have time to appreciate the beauty of the lobby. His feet carried him straight to the reception desk.
"Good morning, how can I help?" The receptionist smiled. A small woman with a baby face.
"We have a reservation." Izaya smiled tugging the cap down. He missed his coat. He missed the black of his attire.
"Name?"
"Mikado Ryugamine." Izaya answered smoothly before Mikado could. The woman began typing then broke into a beaming smile.
"You came." She whispered elated. "Shizu-kun will be so happy. This way."
The woman bounced around the desk. "Shizu-kun?" Surely the brute hadn't been stupid enough to use his real name.
"Oh. Sorry, he wouldn't give me his name so I play this game to guess his name. But he's quiet so I call him Shizu-kun. It's short for Shizukani."
Izaya nodded. It looked like the protozoan was here after all. "You were the one on the phone?"
"Shh!" The woman pressed a finger to her lips looking around. "I'll get in trouble."
"What do you mean?" Mikado asked poking around his side.
"I- it doesn't matter. Follow me." The woman charged on ahead leaving no room for conversation. They walked past the gym and through to a set of double doors. Through the glass he could see a swimming pool.
Izaya tensed as she opened the door, bustling inside. She grabbed a folded towel from the trolley conveniently parked by the door.
"Shizu-kun!" She called out. Izaya looked at the pool seeing a lone figure powering through the water. He wasn't facing them, going in the opposite direction. Izaya stared in disbelief. Mikado had been right.
Izaya watched the brute reach the end and touching the wall. His hair was a light brown, his eyes were covered with swimming goggles and as he rose from the water slightly, Izaya spotted something that looked suspiciously like bandages and cling film.
Oblivious to their presence, the blonde dove forward with a splash, bringing his arms forward. His head turned side to side as he swam, muscles flexing. Halfway the brute stopped, head snapping up. Izaya shivered feeling their eyes meet.
Then suddenly their old lover was at the end of the pool, pulling himself out of the water. The woman held out the towel but it was ignored. Izaya was blinded by a smile that made his heart ache. Before he could utter a word, the goggles were tossed at the poolside. The full extend of Shizuo's chocolate gaze hit him like cupid's arrow. He didn't care that his shoulders were wet, the pool water seeping through his clothes.
Izaya's stomach twisted into knots, inhaling the man's scent. Strong arms trembled around him, a hot mouth pressed against his own as desperate as he was. Izaya kissed back allowing himself to be pushed against the wall.
Skill be damned, Izaya wrapped his legs around Shizuo's waist using the brute to hold himself up. His fingers curled into damp locks. It was hot, needy, desperate and as far from control as he could be. He wanted to taste the brute, to devour him. Desire flared within him wanting to keep the man for himself, to lock him away so no one else could touch him. Because he wouldn't let him go. Not ever. Twice he had been foolish and twice he had dealt with the shattering of his own heart. No more. Izaya held firm breaking the kiss, his teeth drew a jagged line along his lover's jaw. His hands moved down to grab firm buttocks, the swim trunks defining his shape.
"Get a room." Kanra yelled happily. Izaya blinked looking over Shizuo's shoulder. Mikado stood blushing, looking envious. The woman looked caught between shock and horror.
"Oh." Izaya felt his cheeks redden. Quickly he swiped a towel from the trolley, thrusting it into the bandaged chest. "You got me wet, protozoan!" Pushing himself away he went to stand by Mikado, who dare to smirk at him.
"Wipe that look off your face." He glowered watching the half naked protozoan wrap the towel around his waist.
The woman blinked shaking her head. "I-I'll go and get your room key." She flew through the door leaving it swinging behind her.
All three of them stared at one another. Shizuo was happy to see them. He was like an excited puppy greeting his master home. "You're here." Shizuo and Mikado said at the same time.
"Maybe we should take this to the room." Izaya suggested watching droplets of water fall from damp hair.
"Ah, yeah. I'll show you to your room."
x-x-x
Mikado felt like he would burst from happiness. Shizuo was right in front of him leading them to their room. The receptionist didn't need to give them a keycard, Shizuo already had it. They were on the top floor, with a spectacular view. Mikado noticed a pile of clothes on the bed. Shizuo picked them up shrugging off the towel. "I thought you weren't coming."
Mikado opened his mouth but Izaya shook his head. They'd been wrong. It wasn't Shizuo that had misled them. Their old lover had been waiting patiently for their supposed arrival without knowing they hadn't been told a single thing.
"It's been a week." Shizuo continued clenching his fists. "I didn't know what had happened to you. I thought about going back to Ikebukuro to check if you were in trouble."
"We're here now, Shizu-chan." Izaya closed the door hearing the lock click. Mikado stood by the bed waiting patiently. "That's all that matters."
"Like hell it is. Where the fuck were you?" Shizuo growled. "Do you have any idea how worried I was?"
"Shizu-chan, enough." Mikado sighed watching Izaya step in close sealing Shizuo's mouth.
"That's not-"
"We were at my parent's house." Mikado told the truth. "My mother was the one that drove us out of Ikebukuro. We've been staying in Saitama."
"Oh." Shizuo sighed dropping down on the bed, head in his hands. "Guess your mother worried. Sorry I just- I need to take a shower." Shizuo stood heading towards the door.
"Shizu-chan, why don't you use ours?" Izaya reached for Shizuo but he moved away.
"...Kasuka will be wondering where I am." Mikado grit his teeth watching Shizuo unlock the door, holding the bundle of clothes against him. The door closed leaving them alone. Everything had been going so well.
"Why? Why didn't you want me to tell him the truth?"
"Because it would destroy him." Izaya answered. "He trusts his brother wholeheartedly. If we told him Kasuka gave us a fake address, he'd be forced to choose. Shizu-chan has already lost everyone he loves. He can't lose Kasuka."
"What about us?" Kanra demanded. Despite him wearing a dress and a sweater, his counterpart was docile and on her best behaviour. "He still loves us. You saw it."
"Felt it actually." Izaya sighed. "We have to tread carefully. I'm hoping Kasuka sees sense and doesn't force Shizu-chan to choose."
Mikado shook his head. First Masaomi, then Shiki and now Kasuka. For one reason or another they had tried to break them up. He couldn't allow that. "What do we do?"
Izaya groaned. "I think I have to get Kasuka to forgive me. If he doesn't we lose Shizu-chan."
x-x-x
"Nii-san, you're back." Kasuka looked up surprised. He wasn't usually back this early. The first day he had been on his best behaviour, dutifully laying in bed to rest. He'd slept on and off throughout the day and with nothing to hinder his injury, his recovery went as smoothly as it could.
On the second day, Shizuo had taken a leisurely walk around the hotel finding his way around. He stayed away from the gym, since he couldn't allow himself to accidentally use his strength. So he'd done the next best thing to help relieve his stress. Swimming.
As the week had progressed, Shizuo had slipped into a routine. He'd been waking up early to stare out of the window wondering if the duo were looking out at the same sky. At nine o'clock he'd go down to reception and ask if Izaya and Mikado had arrived.
The answer had always been no. So he'd get his breakfast and sit by the window closet to the entrance. After breakfast he'd sit in silence waiting with a glass of milk. Shizuo got frustrated easily so he'd vent in the pool. He swam length after length everyday.
Once he was calm enough, he'd return to reception and ask the same question. It was a no. After that Shizuo had spent hours sitting in view of the lobby. Sometimes pacing, sometimes sitting like a statue. As the week had progressed, he'd spent barely any time in their room.
Nothing had changed. Except today. The seventh day and the deadline. Shizuo had been in disbelief scenting Izaya. He'd thought he was dreaming. As soon as he'd realised he wasn't, Shizuo had been overwhelmed by raw primal desire. It could have been Mikado he'd attacked but it was Izaya's scent that had ensnared him.
Shizuo remembered being unable to stop. He'd been so relieved when Izaya hadn't pushed him away. He couldn't bring himself to kiss Mikado. Not yet. The teen needed to confirm what he wanted. He wasn't like Izaya and himself. Things just weren't that simple. They were here. The two of them looking well despite what had happened. Mikado was wearing a thin layer of makeup but he could tell there were dark circles around his eyes.
"I packed your bag for you." His brother told him. "It's been seven days. You promised, nii-san."
I know. They're here. Both of them turned up this morning." Shizuo couldn't seem to stop smiling.
"Nii-san, I know you want to believe they'll come but-"
"I'll show you." Shizuo took his brother's wrist gently pulling him from the room. Down the hall he knocked on the other door. Izaya answered.
"Shizu-chan, you're back." The raven looked past him at his brother. "Was there something-"
"See. We don't need to leave." Shizuo looked back at his brother with a smile. They'd cut it pretty damn close but Izaya and Mikado had made it.
"I see." Kasuka walked back to their room. Shizuo followed closing the door. Still carrying the bundle he headed for the bathroom peeling off his swim trunks. Things were finally looking up.