A/N: Thank you for all the reviews. It means a lot. A couple things. 1) Estelle: you're reviews have been posted. I hope you like this chapter. 2) Droolia: Because it's not going to come up in the story, for both Rory and Logan, tradition has meaning. Rory was named after her mother and great grandmother. Logan's middle name is his grandfather's. As much as it would have meant for Eli to be named after Mitchum or Christopher or even Finn, for Rory, having Eli share a name with Logan meant something, and Logan wasn't too keen on a second Logan, so this was her way of keeping him with her a little more than just with their child. As always, I enjoy your reviews and I hope you enjoy!
"I don't know," he said softly, sitting on the couch he was oh so familiar with. Melanie was in the chair that she always sat in, a cup of tea in her hand. "It's been a week since we've moved into the house and it just feels right. And I hold my son, my Eli, and it's like I'm holding the world in my hands. I love him so much and I love Rory. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore. I know I'm doing the right thing for me, but am I doing the right thing for my family?" He thought back to when he showed Rory the house for the first time.
"Logan, where are we? I just want to get Eli home and go to bed," she groaned as he pulled her into the house. The other hand was carrying Eli's car seat. The weeks leading up to the birth of their son were spent in and out of the house he'd bought. Colin helped him finish the final touches while Finn kept a very pregnant Rory company.
"Trust me?" he asked. She rolled her eyes at him, but nodded. He knew she was on a short fuse with the little sleep and the pain she still had. He never understood the toll pregnancy and birth could take on a woman until she broke down the first time.
He opened the door and led her into the house. It was a four bedroom, four bathroom in a nice neighborhood. It was an hour outside of Hartford and only a half-hour drive to Stars Hollow. It wasn't anything big by any means, but it wasn't small either. The ground floor held one of the bedrooms and one of the bathrooms, along with the dining room, kitchen, and living room. Upstairs were the other three bedrooms and bathrooms along with a den. It came with a finished basement which was split two ways - a gaming area for him and the boys and a home theater for her and the girls.
"Logan, where are we?" she asked, looking around. Her eyes were wide, a smile on her face. "This place is gorgeous." He sat Eli's car seat down for a minute, taking her hands in his.
"Would you believe me if I told you this was our house?" She looked at him shocked before tears started falling down her cheeks. "Hey," he said soothingly, pulling her close in a hug. "Why are you crying?" He kissed the top of her head as he held her in their hug, waiting for her crying to die down.
"I'm just so happy," she finally mumbled into his chest. A smile broke out on his face. "You did this? You did this for us, for our family?"
"Yeah, I did, Ace. I knew that apartment wasn't going to cut it for much longer, so I did this around the time of your birthday. Colin helped me finish it up." He knew this was their 'forever' home, and he was glad she seemed to love it.
"It's normal for you to second guess yourself," the older woman finally told him, pulling him out of his thoughts. "It's human nature to want to live, to want to survive. I'd be worried if you weren't second guessing your decision. I remember I asked you a question that first meeting we had. Do you want to make the time you have left worth it? I'm asking you this again because you weren't able to answer it then. Answer it now." He thought about it, not sure what his answer should be.
"Of course I want to make the time I have left worth it. I want to be there for Rory and for Eli, and I want to do it on my terms. I guess, it wouldn't be fair to them for me to be in the hospital all the time like I was the last time, but I still feel selfish. I know it's the best, but it still feels like I'm choosing my comfort over their happiness." He sighed, laying on the couch.
"Logan," she said slowly, setting the cup of tea on the table next to her, "everything you just said makes sense. But I feel like you're doing the right thing, Rory thinks you're doing the right thing, the only person who doesn't is you. I know you're scared. Dying is a scary thought. Think of this. What was going through your head when you jumped off the cliff in Costa Rica?" He didn't have to think hard about that. He thought about it all the time.
"I remember being so angry about the situation with Rory. She was so mad about everything, and was just pushing me away. I thought it would be a fun thrill." He sucked in a sharp breath. "I had way too much to drink. I don't even know why Finn or Colin let me jump, but they did. But as I was fumbling for the parachute and as I was hitting the rock face on my way down, all I could think about was the future I could have had with her. I thought about all the 'I love you's I should have told her, or the times where I wish we hadn't have fought. I thought about my life and how unsatisfying it was, how I partied and slept around just to rebel. I thought about how stupid I was being with my youth."
"You have that life with Rory. You're successful, you have a child now. You aren't doing things just to spite your father or her anymore. You're doing things for you, and that's okay. It's okay to not want the treatment. It's okay to realize you're finally okay - to an extent - with dying. Have you been doing what I suggested when you relapsed?"
"I've filled up a book and a half, Melanie," he said, a small smile creeping along his face. "I've written every day, saying the things I know I'm not going to be able to. I started writing to Ace, too. Another book filled up. I guess it gives me peace of mind to know he'll hear things from me and not just about me."
"I want you to keep writing, Logan. Even on the bad days, because those are the days you're going to need it the most. I'll see you next week, but Logan," he looked back at her as he was about to leave. "Remember, think of what's best for you." He nodded, giving her a smile before walking out. He hated that she didn't give him the answers he needed, she didn't tell him flat out what he needed to do. He hated that she made him think about it, made him question it all.
When he got home, he could hear the television playing in the living room. Slowly, he crept in a smile on his face when he caught sight of what was going on. Rory was laying on the couch, Eli asleep on her chest as The Wizard of Oz played. He could see her eyes were closed, so he assumed she was asleep as well. It had been a little over a month since he was born, and he was getting bigger every day.
Christmas had flown by and they started making their traditions. Christmas pajamas, gift opening, family. He was too young to remember any of it, but Logan would have those memories with his son. He'd remember.
He shut off the television, kneeling down next to the couch. He looked at the two, both asleep peacefully. Gently, he took Eli off Rory's chest, holding him close. The boy slept like a rock, just like his mother.
His hair was so blonde. Logan remembered seeing pictures of himself with the same blonde. Eli yawned gently and Logan couldn't help but smile. His son was beautiful, chubby cheeks and all. He was also so calm, taking in his surroundings. Sure, he could wail like a banshee, but what baby didn't.
He repositioned himself to where he was sitting on the floor, leaning back on the couch for support. Holding Eli in one arm, he traced his son's face with his other hand. He was so small still, so fragile. But he was strong. When he would grip Logan's finger, it felt like he had a grip on the world. He was holding his head up for a few seconds at a time now. When Logan first saw it, he was amazed. So many milestones would be coming up in such a short amount of time.
He thought of the letters he was writing to his son and to Rory. He had started writing them around the time of his relapse. It was his way of feeling like he'd always be in his son's life. He had written a few already, for some of the firsts. He wrote one for the first date, for the first car crash, for the first kiss. He was currently writing one for the first birthday. He had written one on the day he was born, telling Eli all his hopes and dreams for him. He started writing to Rory not too long after, realizing it wasn't just Eli who would be missing him. He knew Rory would have problems, would have doubts that he needed to put to rest.
"Hey, buddy," he said softly to the sleeping baby in his arms. "You're getting so big. I love you, so much Eli. So much. I wish I could be there for everything. I wish I could chase the monsters away or hold you when you fall off your bike. I know it's not set in stone, but I know I won't make it that long. It's a gut feeling, that one. But I need to tell you this, every day. I need you to know I love you. That you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Shush. Don't tell your mommy that. But you are. You and your mom are the best things the could ever have happened to me, and I wouldn't trade you guys for the world." He could feel a tear slide down his cheek, saw it land on the blanket. "I'm going to miss so much of your life and it breaks my heart. I want to be there, I hope you can understand that. I hope one day you'll understand why I didn't fight. I don't want you hating me for that. I grew up my entire life hating my dad, I don't want you feeling the same way."
He saw the bundle stir, eyes opening slowly. Logan smiled, kissing Eli's forehead softly. Eli had his mother's eyes, so captivating and blue like the ocean's depths. He saw so much potential and life and happiness, he saw a future in those eyes. It pained him to know he wouldn't be part of that.