She had gotten through to Finn who had eventually gotten through to Colin. Rather than once a week get togethers, the two were there multiple times a week whether it be to watch a game or play poker or pool. She could tell the difference in Logan who had started to light up more. A smile was nearly always on his face. He had gotten to see Eli's birthday, a moment she was truly grateful for. There were so many pictures she had of the two playing together, celebrating together. There were more of the three of them, of their small family full of love.
But, after Eli's birthday, things went downhill fairly fast. Logan wasn't able to get out of bed most days without help. The coughing had come back with a vengeance, keeping him awake all night, leaving him to sleep most of the days. She still stayed curled to his side, his arm wrapped around her. The oxygen mask had a permanent spot on his face. Finn and Colin's visits consisted of the three huddled in the bedroom, talking about times gone by, leaving Rory to take care of Eli, to talk to her mother, to keep her mind off the fact that it wasn't going to be long before she lost Logan.
"I'm sorry," he said softly one night as she laid next to him. Michael had hooked him up to a morphine drip, the pain having become unbearable. It was five days after Christmas, three days after a perfect day with their families. He hadn't needed the oxygen that day, was able to get up and move around without the pain. It was almost as if, for a Christmas miracle, there was no cancer. "I'm sorry." His voice cracked, and when she looked up, she could see the tears in his eyes.
"Logan, I love you so much. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't choose this. You didn't ask for this." He nodded, pulling her tighter against him.
"I know, but I'm still sorry. I've loved every minute of us being together, and I wish we could have more. I wanted to give you forever, I wanted to give Eli forever. He's not going to remember me, Ace. He's going to hear stories, but he's not going to really remember me." She knew it was hard on Logan. The fact that Eli was going to grow up without him had left him a mess most nights. His mind was focused on the fact that he knew his life was winding down, that his days were severely limited.
"Eli is always going to know who you are," she assured him. She'd done it every day, every time he'd had doubts. "He's going to know how much you loved him. He's going to know that you wanted the world for him." Rather than letting him answer, she kissed him, her hands cupping his face and keeping him close as their lips moved together. They spent that night together, and it felt final. It felt like it was the last time. Their hands lingered on each other, she had to know she'd remember everything about him. She wanted to know that when he was gone that she'd remember how he felt under her fingers, under her lips, moving with her.
When she woke up the next morning, he was peacefully asleep. She traced his face with feather light touches, the feeling of his skin ingrained in her memory - at least she hoped. She knew Eli was still asleep. He took after his father, sleeping like a rock. She wondered if they could sleep through an apocalypse which caused her to laugh to herself.
She stood up, getting dressed in the clothes that had been discarded on the floor the previous night. Glancing at Logan one more time, she walked out of the bedroom and to the kitchen, shutting the door behind her so that she wouldn't wake him. The Pop Tarts had been moved to the counter so that he didn't have to reach to get them. It was one of the many things that had changed to accommodate him. Eating silently, she thought of their conversation the night before, of his fears.
She didn't hear when Michael had come in, so she was startled when he touched her shoulder, pulling her out of her thoughts after finishing her breakfast. "He's asking for you." Looking at the clock, she hadn't realized so much time had passed. Nearly an hour she'd been standing there, thinking of Logan.
She took a deep breath before walking back into the bedroom. Michael had helped him get dressed, a fact she knew since he was sporting a tshirt and sweats. She smiled as she sat next to him, his hand grabbing onto hers as if his life depended on it. There was something different, something she couldn't quite place her finger on. The way he was acting, as if he knew something she didn't.
"Ace," he finally said, breaking the silence and cutting through her thoughts. His voice was soft. "I love you."
"I love you too," she answered as he pulled her in for a kiss. When they separated, she had tears in her eyes. Meeting with his, she saw a peaceful look wash across his face.
"Finn has a box of letters for you, one for Eli as well. They're all labeled so you'll know when to read them. Colin has my will," he told her. "I'm leaving everything to you. An account has been set up for Eli. Not a trust fund, but something that will build upon itself. Everything's been dealt with in regards to funeral arrangements." She didn't understand why he was telling her all that, not at that point. He was still alive, he was still with her. When the time came, all that would be brought to her attention.
"Logan," she started to say, but she was cut off by a sigh. It was then that she realized the difference in him. He was accepting he was dying, and he knew it was coming sooner than later. She had heard of people knowing when they were going to die, but never did she think it would happen with Logan.
"Lay with me." She complied with his request, her head resting on his chest as her eyes fell shut, trying to hold back the tears. His arm wrapped around her, pulling her closer as his other hand ran through her hair.
"Do you remember when we were in the Life and Death Brigade," he said softly. "And we were at the top of the platform, and I took your hand and we jumped? That's what it feels like, kind of. I had thought it would feel more like when I jumped off the cliff in Costa Rica, full of fear. But it's not. It feels safe." She didn't say anything thing, letting him talk about anything and everything. His topics changed from the safety of death to the memories they had. He talked about picking out the house, of asking her mother for permission to propose, of what he loved about her, of what he loved about Eli, of what he hoped for his son. He delved into memories of growing up, of meeting his best friends, of the adventures they went on. His voice was calm, as if he had told the stories a million times before, as if he wasn't dying.
"I want to see Eli," he finally said, breaking the string of topics. She nodded, standing up. She hadn't realized she'd started crying until she was walking up the stairs, feeling the wetness on her cheeks. When she reached the nursery, Eli was sitting up, playing with the stuffed kangaroo Finn had gotten for him for his birthday.
"Let's go see, Daddy," she told him, smiling as she picked him up. It hurt to know Logan wasn't going to be there for the next birthday, for the next milestone, for the next anything. She wanted to curse God, ask Him why it had to be Logan? Why did it have to be him? Of everybody in the world, why did it have to be the one man she loved with every fiber in her being? But she didn't. Instead, she walked down the steps with Eli in her arms, knowing it was most likely going to be a final goodbye.
Michael was adjusting the IV bag when she walked in, looking at her with a solemn look. She sat Eli on the bed where Logan started talking again, holding his son close to him. Eli didn't know of death, didn't know his daddy would be leaving him. She let the two have their moment, walking out into the living room and sitting on the couch. Just a few seconds behind her was Michael.
"This is is isn't it?" she asked him, her head resting in her hands. She felt him sit next to her and heard him sigh.
"Yeah, I think it is. When the body starts shutting down, you can feel it almost. I never told you this, but the reason I became a hospice nurse was because I lost my grandfather several years ago. When he was close to the end, he was a lot like Logan is now. Full of peace and acceptance, wanting to spend as much time with us as he could. Ask Logan about it, and maybe you'll understand it a little bit better." She nodded, letting her mind wander on that topic. It had been something she'd heard about, but she had figured Logan would be different. She'd hoped it, in fact. The idea of knowing when you're going to die terrified her, but the air of peace around Logan made her second guess that fear.
When enough time had passed and when she heard his talking silence, she walked back into the bedroom. Logan was smiling as Eli laid on his chest, half asleep. She took her spot next to him, and he pulled her close.
"What does it feel like?" she asked, taking Michael's advice.
"I know the morphine helps, but I'm not in as much pain. My mind is clear. I'm not afraid. It's almost as if I'm walking in the clouds. Ace, I'm ready. I hate admitting it, but I'm ready to finally not be in pain anymore. I'm ready for it to end, and I'll be honest. That scares me. I'm not ready to leave you or Eli, but I'm ready to be at peace." She had tears in her eyes again, and when she looked up, so did he. They kept looking at each other as he continued. "I love you. I wish I had told you sooner, wished I hadn't wasted time being mad at you or being separated. I wish I had told my father 'no' when it came to London. I have so many regrets of not spending every waking second with you. But there's no way that could have happened. Other than that, I have no regrets. I lived, I conquered, I saw, I loved. I just wish I had more time."
"So do I," she said softly. "I love you." There were no other words that could express how she felt as the three of them laid there. For having so much knowledge, of words being her comfort, she had none. She closed her eyes, trying to think of something, anything to say other than she loved him, but nothing came to mind. Nothing could express her feelings.
She didn't know when Michael had come into the room and taken Eli to the kitchen for breakfast, but when she opened her eyes, Eli wasn't there. She wasn't worried, Michael having done it before. Logan was still awake, looking at her with a smile. "I love you," he told her again, and she reiterated the same message with sadness. Pulling her closer, he kissed her softly.
They stayed in bed, Michael coming in to check on them occasionally. He would bring Eli in and out to see Logan. She didn't leave his side, though. She couldn't bring herself to leave him, scared that when she would come back that he'd be gone. But with Michael's insisting, she left the bedroom to eat. Logan had refused food, saying he wasn't hungry or thirsty. So, she ate in silence by herself before making her way back to his side.
The two had fallen asleep again around nine that night. He'd said goodnight to Eli, telling his son how much he loved him, Michael putting him to bed for them. She held onto Logan, the two telling each other their love, not daring to let go even as she fell asleep. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep until she was gently shaken awake by Michael. Holding back tears, she knew. Before even looking at Logan, she knew he was gone. It was the same way she knew when she woke up alone when he'd left for work, or knowing his mood when he'd come home. She sat up, seeing the fact before her. He looked so peaceful, so calm. And she knew he was finally at peace. He wasn't in pain, he wasn't suffering anymore.
She tried to fight the tears, but they cascaded down her face as sobs shook her body. She clung to him, not wanting to let go, not wanting it to be final. She could pretend he was going to wake up, she could pretend he was just asleep. Her fingers ran through his hair as the tears dripped onto the blanket. Michael said something to her, but she didn't hear what it was. All she wanted was to have Logan back. All she wanted was for him to wake up and to tell her he loved her one more time.
Finally, she felt arms wrap around her, pulling her away from him. She fought against them, fought against whoever was trying to separate her from the man she loved. She was turned around and she clung onto the person for dear life as they took his body away. She couldn't think of him as Logan because what made Logan Logan was gone. Her sobs eventually died down into whimpers as Finn led her upstairs to one of the spare rooms, blocking her view from the pictures on the wall. It was the start of the first year without Logan Huntzberger. It was the start of the rest of her life.