He wasn't lying when he had told her all the funeral arrangements were dealt with. She didn't have to worry about a single piece in the puzzle of burial. It was Colin sorting things out for him, a final favor for a friend. He'd come over as soon as he heard the news, still in his suit with briefcase in hand. Finn had been sitting with her as she stared at the wall, not fully comprehending the loss. He sat on the other side of her, his arm wrapping around her shoulders. The three of them sat there, not speaking as if the silence would magically bring him back.
She hadn't realized the briefcase had contained Logan's will or the confirmations for the funeral. The only thing Colin had to sort out was the date, Logan having been unable to see that far into the future. She didn't know Finn had brought the boxes with him when he got the call from Michael. There were a lot of things Rory Huntzberger didn't know, and one of them was how she was going to continue on with her life without her other half.
The funeral day came, and she got dressed in a black dress. She looked at herself in the mirror, not for vanity's sake, but rather to question herself. Her eyes were rimmed red, as they'd been in the three days since Logan died. She could see her hands shaking, could see her jaw tighten. She fidgeted with the rings on her hand, the rings she couldn't bear to even think of taking off. He'd put them on her, and he was the only one who could take them off.
She was startled out of her thoughts by Lorelai knocking on the doorframe. Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, she opened them again before turning to her mother. The woman didn't say anything, but rather engulfed her daughter in a hug as the tears spilled over for both of them.
They were pulled out of their thoughts and embrace with Eli calling out for his mom from the doorway, snug in Finn's arms. "Come here, baby," Rory said softly, taking the boy from her friend. Eli kissed her cheek and then started babbling as he always did. She looked between the three other people in the room, fully taking it all in. Lorelai was dressed in jeans and a black blouse, Finn in a suit, Eli was wearing a four-piece baby suit complete with a tie. She'd never seen it before, and could only assume it was from her grandmother.
"Actually, Love," Finn said as she looked at what her son was wearing, "Logan picked that out." She didn't answer, just nodded curtly. Pushing past the two, she made her way out of the bedroom and down the stairs, eyes trying to avoid the pictures. She couldn't bring herself to look at them, having too many memories for her to handle - too many happy times. Holding Eli closer, she realized that Logan was there with her, a being that was half him was right there in her arms. For the first time since he died, she truly looked at her son.
His smile was just like his father's. He was sporting the first tooth of many, and she could remember Logan sitting up with him as he bawled his eyes out from the pain. Despite Logan being exhausted and in pain, he sat up with his son while she slept. His hair was still a platinum blonde, but she knew in a few years it would darken to Logan's dirty blonde. Everything about Eli screamed Logan except his eyes. Those were hers.
She walked out to the car that was waiting for them, buckling Eli into the carseat. Lorelai and Finn were driving separately. Another thing Logan had set up, knowing she needed that space and that time with Eli. She was realizing how precious time really was. Eli was growing up so fast, and before she knew it she'd be alone with him off at college and finding somebody to love like his father had loved her. Two years with Logan after his diagnosis, just over five years total together, and she'd lost him. She'd wanted fifty, hell, she'd wanted eternity, but she'd only gotten five.
As the driver drove, she looked around the car. It reminded her of all the times Frank had driven them, and she knew it was Frank driving her one more time. She'd keep the car service, that she'd decided in that moment. Frank was a part of the family for her, knowing he was affected by the loss of Logan and not just in the business sense. She hadn't noticed the envelope, not right away.
The writing on the front was too familiar, which brought tears to her eyes. The black ink stood out on the cream colored envelope. For When I Break Your Heart. With shaking hands, she opened the envelope carefully, slowly peeling the seal open. She swallowed before she started reading it.
Lorelai Leigh Huntzberger. It has a ring to it, doesn't it? There's so much I want to tell you, so much I wish I had told you. There was so much I saw for us, we were written in the stars, but even the stars fail at times. I know it feels like you're in the darkness, with no light to guide you. If you're reading this where you should be, look next to you. Eli is your light now. Be strong, Ace, for him. I'm not telling you not to grieve or cry or yell at the world for this. I'm telling you to come home every day for our son, I'm telling you to keep living for him. Your world doesn't start and stop at me, it never has. Don't let it feel like it does. I know I've probably said this a thousand times, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I broke your heart. But don't give up. You're strong, one of the strongest people in the world. You have so many people with you, even if you can't see it right now. Lorelai has always been your rock, lean on her. My father adores you, as does Finn and Colin. Your grandmother - even in her own grief - will be there for you. You two have more in common now, losing your husbands. Stars Hollow will support you. Don't shy away from your home, but don't try to ignore ours. I'm always going to be with you. You'll see me in the corners of your life, in the valleys and the peaks and even in the darkest times. Embrace those moments. Embrace the moments you're able to find me, whether it be in a song lyric or a movie quote. Smile. Be happy. Live. I love you. Logan.
She hadn't realized the extent of her sobs as she finished reading his letter. Her hand clutched her chest, and she could feel her heart breaking all over again. Eli looked at her, reaching out to her, and she softly gripped his hand in hers. The sobs still coursed through her, rocking her. When the car parked, she put the letter back in the envelope and putting it in her purse before pulling Eli out of his car seat.
When she stepped out, she was met with a sight she didn't want to see. People were filing into the funeral home, dressed in black. Some were calm, as if it was a business meeting, others were like her with red rimmed eyes and clutched tissues. She recognized some, others she was sure she'd never seen before in her life.
"Rory," Mitchum said to her as she took her seat in the front row, Eli sitting on her lap. She didn't look at the man, rather, looking at the picture that commemorated her husband, flowers and wreaths surrounding it. His hand came to rest on her shoulder, and she finally looked at him, meeting his eyes. She wanted to turn away, wanted to run crying. Logan got his eyes from his father, and she could remember every time she looked at him. Every time he gave her a cocky smile with that sparkle in his eyes. "I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for pushing me to be a father for my son. I regret not having been there for more of his life, but you helped me be there for what I could. Don't be a stranger, okay?" She just nodded as he took his seat.
Others came up to her, sharing their stories of her husband with her. Some she'd heard before, others she hadn't. She wondered how many of the women there had been bedmates with him. When Finn sat next to her, he rested his hand on her arm. She didn't want to look at him. She didn't want to see the finality in Finn's eyes. By acknowledging him, she had to finally acknowledge that Logan was gone. She would have to see the grief in their friend's eyes.
Reverend Boatwright stood before them. Logan wasn't religious, but the Reverend had counseled both the Gilmores and the Huntzbergers for the past few years. She saw why he did it, knowing it would bring peace to his father and her grandmother. "I had known Logan since he was born. I baptized him, I counseled him. It's always sad to have somebody ripped away from us, especially in their prime. Logan was only twenty-eight years old when he passed, leaving behind a loving wife and a son. He asked me to recite a few pieces. David Harkins had written this first one. 'You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him and only that he's gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.' When he and I had sat down to choose what he wanted me to say to you all, I asked him why this particular piece? His answer? I've lived, I've loved, I've conquered. I want them to see what I've done, and not what I'll miss. I want them to remember who I was, not who I could have become. I want them to live on, I want them to carry me with them, not let me hinder them.'
This second piece is instead a quote by Oscar Wilde. 'Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.' Now, Logan's friend of many years, Finn Rothschild would like to say a few words to honor him." She knew that after Finn's speech, she'd be standing there, next to his casket in tears speaking her own mind.
"I've known Logan since we were teenagers," Finn started as soon as he stood to face the crowd. "Almost two years ago, I spoke for him in a different setting, his wedding. Never did I think it would be so soon that I'd be telling you of his life, of how he lived every moment he could. To tell you those things…" His voice cracked, and she cringed, not wanting to see him cry. Finn was supposed to be the strong one, he wasn't supposed to cry. "To tell you the ways he lived wouldn't be what he'd want. I know it sounds odd. I'll tell you of one instance though, where it wasn't a daring adventure or a moment of idiocy. A moment where I saw Logan at peace. It wan's towards the end like one would think when thinking a moment of peace. It was while he was still undergoing treatments. I had barged in unannounced as I had a thousand times before," this statement drawing a chuckle from the solemn crowd. "And I found out that they'd just found out they were having a baby. He told me that day that he knew he wasn't going to be there for everything, and for the first time, he acknowledged what we'd all seen as a looming fate. And he took it in stride every step of the way, with us by his side. There were days where he was afraid, as any of us would be. But many of those days were him being calm, of assuring us that it was going to be okay. Logan was one of my best mates, and I know that he's going to be missed every day." Finn finished, lingering next to Logan's casket, looking at his friend. She heard him mutter something, unable to make out exactly what he'd said. When he sat back down, she handed Eli to him, making her way to the podium, avoiding looking at him.
"I'm Rory," she told the room. "I was his wife. I could tell you who he's leaving behind and who's left before him. I can tell you he'll be missed. I can tell you everything that would be expected. But I can't bring myself to say it. His biggest fear wasn't of death, but of people forgetting him. He was afraid his son would grow up not knowing his father's love. He was afraid of leaving us, but he wasn't afraid of death. Did it upset him, yes. Who would think they're going to die before they're thirty? I ask myself why it had to be him, why it had to happen to somebody like him. I still don't have an answer, I know I never will. I could tell you the science behind it, could tell you every medication he was on, every illness he'd had in the nearly three years of him fighting. But none of that matters." Her knuckles were turning white as she held onto the podium as she felt her knees weaken and tears come to her eyes again. "I can tell you this. He loved his son with his entire being. He loved his family, he loved his friends, he loved his life. He once told me you can live a hundred years, but not truly live for a moment. In his twenty-eight years of life, he'd had millions of those moments where he embraced life to it's fullest, where he'd lived. Where he'd truly lived." Choking on the last word, she started to walk back to her seat, but rather, she turned to him.
He was dressed in a dark blue button down shirt, a black suit, and a lavender tie. His hands were resting on his stomach and she could see his wedding ring. His hair was disheveled as it had been in life. She reached out, fingers lingering on his cheek one last time. She had to remind herself that it wasn't Logan, not really. It was the shell of who he'd been. She'd remembered every touch, every kiss, every 'I love you.' She remembered his laugh, his smile, his smirk. She remembered everything about him, and all she wanted to do was forget. She wanted to forget the heartache, wanted to turn back time and never have met him. She wanted to forget he ever existed, but he had been in her life. He'd been one of the biggest pieces of her life, taking up her heart. As much as she'd wanted to forget, she cried because she wanted him back. She wanted one more minute with him, one more second, one more kiss or touch or hug or assurance of their love.
She removed her hand from his face, holding onto the casket until her mother walked up to take her back to her seat. She clung onto the woman as if she was a child again, reminding her of those times she'd broken down. Those times where Lorelai would drop everything just to console her daughter who, despite a loving husband lying in the next room, had a broken heart. This time, rather than a broken heart, it was shattered, a part of her life forever gone.
Finally came the end of the service where she was placed at the head of Logan's casket with their son, Mitchum and Shira, Elias, Honor, and Josh. The line of people glancing at the body before saying their condolences. Paris, not typically being one for affection, pulled her into a hug. Doyle followed suit. As did the rest of their friends and Stars Hollow. She shook hands with associates and with Life and Death Brigade members. Eli would occasionally reach out to Logan, crying for him. He didn't understand that daddy wouldn't hold him. He didn't understand that daddy wouldn't hug him or kiss him or tell him he loved him. But she did, she understood, which brought more tears to her eyes and cheeks. When everybody had taken their seats again, Finn, Colin, Josh, Zach, Doyle - who could barely reach the handles of the casket - and Mitchum carried the then closed casket to the hearse that would deliver his body to the cemetery where only close friends and family would be there to bury him.
She climbed in the car with Eli again, Frank driving them to the cemetery. The ground was snow covered, which caused a bitter laugh to come from her chest. Snow was supposed to bring good things, not sadness and death. Snow had finally betrayed her, just as Logan had. She didn't understand why he didn't fight harder, try to stay longer. Why did he have to leave her? This thought left her in tears yet again. She didn't want to be mad at him, she didn't want to blame him for his death. But for some reason, a part of her did.
"Ms. Rory," Frank said from the open door. "We're here." She nodded curtly, unbuckling Eli from his carseat yet again and climbing out of the car. Slowly, she approached the hole in the ground, the casket lined up and ready to be lowered. They didn't have chairs, so they all stood there, huddled around the finality. Lorelai, Chris, Luke, Mitchum, Shira, Elias, Finn, Colin, Honor, Josh, Lane, Paris, Doyle, Zach, Rory, Eli, Max, Melanie, Michael. They had been his family, some closer than others. They had taken care of him, had kept him happy and comfortable. They had been the ones that really saw what happened over the course of the two years he fought. Nobody spoke as they lowered him into the ground, watching as they finally laid him to rest. Because of the weather, instead of dropping dirt, they all dropped handfuls of snow and tears, along with roses. She looked at the headstone as Eli started crying and as she tried comforting him through her own tears. Logan Elias Huntzberger. January 16th, 1983 - January 1st, 2008. Loving husband, father, brother, and friend.