"Mommy," Eli said softly from beside her bed. She opened her eyes, not really asleep. He climbed up and laid next to her, and she pulled him close. He looked so much like Logan, it hurt to look at him some days.
"Happy birthday, baby," she told him with a small smile. Gently, she kissed the top of his head. "I can't believe how big you're getting." He was turning six, and she couldn't believe how fast time flew. "You look so much like your Daddy, and he would be so proud of you."
She knew it was true. Even though they'd lost Logan barely a year after Eli was born, he held so much love for his son. After every t-ball game, he'd run up to her and give her a hug. Then he'd ask if Daddy saw that or if Daddy would be proud. He asked that a lot, if Daddy would be proud of him. She had no doubt in her mind that Logan would be proud of his son.
"You're the best thing that ever happened to him. I've told you a million times that he loved you, every day he'd tell you he loved you. And when he got sick again, he told me I had to tell you every day for him. So here's a million and one, your daddy loves you so much and he wanted to be here for your birthday." Just like she and her mom had their tradition, she and Eli had theirs.
"I remember the day you were born. It was the day after Thanksgiving. We were at Gram's house laying in bed after finishing our tour de food. Your daddy had his hand on my belly, feeling you kick. He loved to get to feel you kick." A part of her could still feel Logan's hand on her stomach, she could still see the way his face lit up when Eli would kick, could still hear his laugh every time. "And all of a sudden, I knew I was going to have you because it was the worst pain I had ever felt. And your daddy was freaking out! And he rushed us to the hospital and was practically yelling at the nurses at that point that I was having a baby. And then a few short hours later, he held you in his arms with the goofiest look on his face. And he looked at you and told you he loved you for the first time."
"Mommy," Eli said softly. "Do you miss Daddy?"
"All the time buddy. Every day I see you, I miss him. He wanted to watch you grow up, wanted to be your number one fan. He still is, he'll always be your number one fan. You'll always be Logan's boy." She kissed the top of his head as he fell back asleep against her chest. She let the tears roll down her cheeks, but didn't wake him. This was, again, all part of their tradition.
When she woke again a few hours later, she looked at her sleeping son. Today was his birthday, and today was 'Bring Your Daddy to School' day. While he had been excited for it, she had been nervous. His teacher had known about the situation, and had worked with Rory to come up with an alternative.
She felt someone crawl into bed behind her, wrapping their arms around her waist. She knew who it was without having to look. The past five years had been hard on her, her heart always belonging to Logan. Finn always joked that she buried it with him, but they both knew there was fact in that statement. But every year on Eli's birthday, Finn would crawl into bed with them and hold them close. For a minute, she could pretend it was Logan. She could pretend they didn't lose him, and that he was still there and that he was the one holding her.
"Hey," she said softly to him. "You're becoming a stranger," she then joked. He kissed the top of her head, tightening his hold. It reminded her of when Logan would do that, made her chest ache for him.
"You saw me last week, Love," he replied. "How you holding up?" He knew that this was one of the hardest days of the year for her. There were a total of five days that she could barely bring herself to get out of bed - Eli's birthday, Logan's birthday and death day, their anniversary, and Valentine's Day. It didn't mean any of the other days of the year were less painful for her, but those days held some of the most memories both happy and painful.
"I miss him, Finn. You'd think after nearly five years, it would get a little easier." She let go of Eli, knowing she didn't need to wake him up for a little longer. When she sat up, Finn sat up with her, and when she stood and walked into the living room, he followed. Sitting on the couch, she looked around. There were so many reminders of him in the small house, from the pictures to the color of the walls. She couldn't bring herself to change a single thing about the house since he died, and it had practically become her own time capsule, but also her own hell.
"You're going to say that every day, every year, for the rest of your life, Rory," Finn told her. "And it's never going to really get easier, just more bearable. I remember when you guys told me you were pregnant." She smiled as he talked about the memory. "I caught you two in an almost compromising position on the bathroom floor of the apartment in New Haven. And then I saw the tests. At first, I thought you were celebrating a false alarm, leading to my comment about how it would lead to a positive. And then he said it and I knew everything changed."
"It did," she responded. "We never thought we'd have kids given his short amount of time. And then all of a sudden, it was thrust upon us. It was kind of like the jump at the Life and Death Brigade event. One minute we're on the platform, and then the next, the ground is rushing towards us. That's what it felt like all over again."
She looked at Finn as he smiled at her ramblings. He had been there for her for so long. From the first time Logan landed in the hospital after the Costa Rica accident - despite him and Colin joking - she knew he was there for her. She had called him that night, apologizing and asking him to come over. They'd sat on the couch in the apartment, pigging out of pizza and Chinese as he told her everything from the moment they got to the airport to the moment they arrived at the hospital. If she could see herself with anybody after Logan, it was Finn.
She closed her eyes as that thought passed through her mind. No. No. No. She loved Logan. She loved Logan. Loved. Logan was gone.
"You okay?" he asked her, taking her hand in his. She tried to hold back the tears, but she couldn't. She let herself sob, curling into him as he rubbed his hand in circles on her back and held her close. When her sobs died down and when she could no longer cry, she pulled herself away, wiping away the tear-stains. "Rory."
"I'm fine, Finn. I need to go wake Eli up." She had to get those thoughts out of her mind, and she had to avoid his questions a little longer. She made her way through the hallway back to her bedroom. Eli was curled up in a ball, blanket covering him. He looked so peaceful, and she could remember thinking that about Logan a million times.
Kneeling beside the bed, she gently shook him awake. "Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," she said softly as he opened his eyes. She still didn't understand how despite looking like Logan in every way - and the same adventurousness and sleeping habits, he had her eyes and curiosity. "Go get dressed. Uncle Finn is getting breakfast ready, and then he's going to school with you today."
"Okay," he mumbled, standing up and walking back to his bedroom. She could smell Finn cooking, glad he was. Eli's birthday held so many traditions for them. It didn't start until he was three when she pulled him out of his bed and took him to hers. Then, when he was five, he started in on the conversations which stayed the same the next year - this year.
She didn't want him growing up afraid to ask about Logan. That's why she told him as many stories as she could, and she'd add to them as he got older. Her fear was always that he'd grow up without his father, and to an extent, it was true. Logan wasn't there, but she made sure that he was in a way. By telling Eli that his dad would be proud or that his dad loved him, she made sure that the unconditional love Logan felt for their son was always there. And she knew the day would come where he'd ask how his dad died, and she'd tell him the whole story. But for now, all he knew was that his daddy was really sick.
She finally pulled herself together enough to stand up and change out of her pajamas into jeans and a Yale t-shirt, one she knew was his from when they first got together. If there was one thing Yale did right, it was make their shirts to last. As she walked back into the living room, she pulled her hair up into a ponytail. The smell of food carried her all the way to the kitchen and she saw a sight that made her smile. Eli was sitting on the counter, helping Finn cook as Finn told him all about Australia.
"Mommy, can we go to Australia with Uncle Finn?" he asked, smile wide. She saw so much hope and life in his eyes.
"Maybe someday," she replied, sitting on one of the bar stools in front of the island.
"Well, if you ever do, you have you're own personal tour guide," Finn replied, smiling at her. This is what it would have been like with Logan. Him making breakfast, Eli helping, and Rory watching as her two boys bonded. Now, it was a different two boys, but it made her happy. Eli had a father figure, not just stories.
Eli continued to sit on the counter with a plate on his lap. Finn took the seat next to Rory, setting her plate down in front of her. The three ate, making conversation. Finn filled them in on the hotel business while Eli told him about his last t-ball game. Rory let the two talk, knowing she was going to talk to Finn later. Plus, Eli hated hearing about the newspaper. That probably had Mitchum rolling in his grave, the new heir wanting nothing to do with the business and Rory choosing not to push him.
They'd lost Mitchum when Eli was four. For her, it was devastating. Mitchum had been in their corner ever since she told him to leave Logan be at the hospital. Despite him pushing his son to continue working, he was a lot calmer. He had been there at their wedding, leaving Shira at home - which she knew made the woman furious. He'd been so excited that they were going to have a baby, had been there just hours after Eli was born apologizing because his flight got delayed. He'd been there for every birthday. She wondered if Logan would have been jealous, his father being there more for his grandson than his own son.
"I'll clean up. Go ahead and take him to school, and I'll see you two at Luke's when you get back," she told them with a smile. She was going to have to call her mother, talk about everything that was going on before actually seeing her. God, why did this have to be so complicated? She grabbed the box of letters, rummaging through until she found the one she was looking for. For When You Fall In Love.
A/N: It's weird to think this is my last A/N for this story. It's kind of surreal. I want to start off by saying I'm already working on the sequel. The title is For When. I should start posting it within the next few days. It will still be categorized as Rogan, but there will be some Finn/Rory - figured I should warn you, but I hope that doesn't deter you from it at all. I just want to thank you all for the comments and reviews and the support over the past two months as I wrote this. I lost my grandfather to cancer six years ago, and it's coming up on the anniversary of his death which is the reason I wrote this. I've been struggling in my life, not ever having the closure I needed at the time. This was it for me, this is that closure. Your support has been amazing and inspiring. As I writer, the only thing I can hope for is to be able to impact somebody's life even in the smallest ways. I hope I succeeded in that. For one final time for Don't Say Goodbye I hope you enjoyed.