Cordelia felt the ground slipping beneath her and she didn't know how to stop it. The most awful part of it was she hadn't realized just how fast the depression had swallowed her up again until Fiona set her straight. Neither of them had put that word to her actions, but they both knew that was what drove her. Cordelia felt stupid for not realizing it herself. Even when faced with Misty's devastated reaction she couldn't piece it together. She couldn't pin down a single coherent thought until her mother finally forced her.
And now she had to fix it. She had to somehow make Misty understand this.
This morning she had received a call from Cal, the manager at the bar Misty worked at. With a voice that threatened to break, Cordelia had to tell him that Misty would not be able to answer the phone for a while, as she had moved out.
"Oh. Well then I need to know where to send the last paycheck. She usually just picks it up. I reckon she can just do that again if she doesn't want me knowin' her new address." And that was how Cordelia found out she had been fired. She asked what happened and Cal told her about the fight. It didn't take Cordelia more than two seconds to guess who she had attacked and she swallowed the lump of tears in her throat. She hung up then and went to the swamp.
The path seemed darker somehow. She had walked it in all kinds of light, she knew it like she knew her own house, which was an odd feeling considering how much the swamp still scared her. Even more now, with all that had happened recently. But it wasn't enough to keep her out today.
Still she was more nervous than she had ever been. The rotten growth beat with sickness in her chest, a pulse pounded in her head. The whispers at her ear kept trying to throw her off. She had never walked down the path, feeling this unwelcome. With every step she took, she reminded herself that she was walking straight towards the biggest knot of agony there was to find in her miserable world. But if there was even the slightest chance she could untie it…
The clearing came into view. It looked just like itself, yet not. The flowers weren't tended as well, which was probably the biggest change. The rest was in the air, but Cordelia thought maybe she was just imagining it, knowing what pain she had caused to inhabit the shack.
Nick lay by her garden, facing the path. She had gotten used to him over the years, and he her, but she wondered how much he was affected by Misty's hurt. Would he turn on her for hurting Misty? She neared with careful steps while contemplating this, her eyes fixated on him. But he didn't move at all.
Cordelia drew a deep breath in and out before she knocked on the door. Minutes stretched on into eternities of wondering if Misty would even answer her and if she should just let Nick eat her, before she heard steps on the other side of the door.
There was a second where she wished they could enter some sort of limbo, take a break from the real world and Misty would smile and pull her in for a kiss, once she opened. It wouldn't have to be a passionate one, just a sincere touch of what they had before Cordelia wrecked it all.
Then the door opened and it was a mere ghost on the other side. The expression on Misty's face told Cordelia that she already expected her, but it offered no relief. Her eyes were shiny with tears, her whole body guarded the way only Cordelia used to do it, the way she did when she was expecting to get hurt. Misty stayed on her side of the doorframe, uninviting in every way. That was the absolute worst; knowing she couldn't touch her. Knowing she couldn't feel Misty's loving hands on her body, toying with her clothes or just lingering relaxed at the small of her back. Maybe last time had been the last ever. When was that? Cordelia realized with dread that she couldn't remember.
Cordelia had meant to speak first, but the sight of Misty took her breath away like an insidious gush of wind and she couldn't get a word out.
It was Misty who spoke first, her voice rough and raw: "You shouldn't be here", she said. "It ain't safe 'round the gators."
"I needed to talk to you", Cordelia explained with an equally raw voice. Both of them sounded like one did, when having trouble breathing right. "I need to explain myself, I need to make you understand why I did it."
"I thought you didn't know."
"I do now, but it so hard to explain. It's confusing…"
"Don't talk to me like I'm stupid", Misty snarled. Her eyes grew hard again, her jaw clenched. Fury shone through the shimmer in her gaze and reminded Cordelia that she had just beaten up a grown man. Hank was no bodybuilder, but he was of average building and not a weakling.
"No, I mean it's confusing for me. I can't believe myself either. I can't believe I'm capable of doing such an atrocious thing to you. But please believe me when I say that it's only because of my own demons. My feelings for you didn't change."
Misty's voice shook like that of a scared little girl's, when she said: "I don't know what to believe."
"Please, love", Cordelia begged. She felt her own tears building up and she was in no way as good at keeping them in as Misty. They ran down already. "You know me. You know I'll never stop loving you. I made the most terrible mistake, because I'm at war with my head again and I didn't see it coming. I've made an appointment with my psychiatrist to get help again. But the only thing important is that you…" She stopped to clear her breathing and sniffled. "That I can get you back. Please come home."
"I can't right now, Delia." Her voice broke at the end and the first tear fell out of her eyes. It sounded so final and a sensation of hot and cold rushed through Cordelia, out of balance. Too much heat behind her eyes, too much icy cold in her veins. The panic built again.
"This can't be it", she said and moved forward. "I miss you so terribly and Cage, he misses you too, won't you please-"
"Don't touch me!" Misty moved away and Cordelia froze in the middle of a motion, her outstretched hand trembling midair. All sensation left her then, the hot and the cold and she was barren, abandoned. Dizzy, confused anguish was the only thing she could shape a thought around.
Misty looked shocked as well, as if she hadn't expected to react that way. Her eyes darted from the hand – which slowly fell back against Cordelia's own hollow thigh – and back to her face. She shook her head just slightly and Cordelia wasn't sure she understood. Misty started to rub her own wrist with the other hand.
"Misty please…"
Misty shook her head again, her eyes more frightened than anything else now. "I can't, I don't know, I… Please just go home."
"Please."
"Go home." The fraction of force that came back into Misty's voice was Cordelia's undoing. She had no more fight to give, no more thoughts to think. She turned around and walked away with dazed steps, feeling that now she had truly lost everything. The click of the closing door behind her echoed in her soul for days to come.
O0O
The first thing Zoe did when she came in was chase the flies away from Kyle. The smell of dead was vague, so faint only Misty winced at it, but now Zoe started to notice it too. And all kinds of insects had certainly taken a liking to him. They crawled all over him when he lay still. At her entry he sat up and most of them crawled off. Only the flies were stubborn enough to wait for Zoe to chase them away.
"Zo-e", Kyle said and smiled.
Zoe closed her eyes for a second to gather strength and her grip tightened around the knife behind her back.
She didn't want to do it. She felt so alone at home that coming here to this undead shade of her boyfriend was a relief. But she couldn't let him stay like this.
"Hey Kyle", she said. He cocked his head to his side and it looked a little like he used to do it only more exaggerated. As if death had made him more theatrical somehow. His overly slow way of talking felt the same way. Zoe sighed and sat down in front of him. The one hand was still hidden behind her back and the other she stretched out and brushed his hair out of his face. His hair always grew so fast – every other week she had to cut it for him or it fell down into his eyes – but now it didn't grow anymore. It fell over his forehead, dirty and ruffled, but not into his eyes, as it would have by now.
Kyle looked into her eyes and creased his forehead.
"You sad." It might have been meant as a question, but it wasn't said like it. She didn't answer and his eyes travelled to the hidden hand. He reached out and drew it forward, revealed the kitchen knife she had brought from home. His gaze returned to hers, then down again, then back up.
"Okay", he said and then Zoe started sobbing. She dropped the knife and covered her face with her hands.
"I-I'm sorry, Kyle! But I don't- don't know what to do with you."
Kyle peeled her hands from her face again and tried to smile. Tried to look reassuring, but his face didn't quite obey him anymore.
"I do it." He picked the blade up. He stretched out a hand and before Zoe had time to tell him to stop or even prepare herself, he slid his wrist.
For a few seconds they both waited for the blood to come. He had made a deep cut all the way up his arm. The right direction, not the short one you do like a cry for help, but the way you open up the entire vein. Yet no blood came. Nothing happened. They stared at the flesh-white cut in his arm and it was as if his body was made of wax. There was nothing on the inside.
"Hm", it sounded like he said. As if he was curiously fascinated to find that the cutting made no impact. Then he took the blade to his throat.
"Wait Kyle!" He stopped, with the edge of the blade poking at his greyish skin. "I don't think that works. I guess I should have known."
"Sorry", Kyle said.
Zoe shook her head and sniffled. She almost laughed at the absurdity of his apology. "Don't apologize. It's not your fault."
She left him after an hour or so and went to the one place she thought there was still hope. She had to try, for him. Misty was right, this was no life for him. For either. For the first time she just wanted to get out of here and she couldn't leave him behind in this state.
She remembered the way with only minor difficulty and found the clearing with Misty's shack. Fiona had told her Misty was out here now, but hadn't cared to elaborate. As curious – or worried more likely by the tone Fiona had used – as she was, Zoe had no energy resource to spare for whatever problem had caused Misty to move out here again.
Misty appeared after the third knock. Despite Zoe one-tracked thoughts, she forgot her words as soon as she saw Misty's face. The smile was gone, which was the weirdest thing. The light in her face had been eaten by a shadow so thick it was hard to believe Misty had ever been a smiley person.
"What happened to you?" She couldn't help asking.
"What do you want, Zoe?" The shadow inhabited her voice as well.
"Um… It's, um, Kyle." The tears came back and her throat tightened up as soon as she remembered what she came here for. "I don't know what to do with him. I-I tried, I mean he tried to, um, to cut himself, but it didn't work. You're right, he can't live like this. Can't you take him? Can't you… kill him?"
Misty gave her a long stare. There was incredulity in her gaze, but most of it was exhaustion. She looked like someone who had given up on staying awake, but couldn't sleep.
"I don't think I have the strength to take the life outta him right now. But you can bring him here, I'm sure the gators can help. Might be a good idea to get him outta the house, since I ain't there to protect them no more."
Now she wanted to ask why Misty wasn't there, but the thought of feeding Kyle to the alligators, just like that poor little boy of Marie Laveau's got killed, filled up her head.
"Do you think they'll at least be quick? Will it even work?"
Misty shrugged. "I don't know. But it's your choice. Just keep him away from Nick. Go straight to the river, but don't go too far yourself, okay?"
Zoe nodded. "Okay." She turned to leave, knowing this was all the help she would get. She had taken the first step, when Misty's voice called out to her again.
"Zoe?" There was a waver in it that Zoe couldn't fit into her view of Misty at all. The insecurity of a little girl.
She turned again. "Yes?"
"How is Cage? You seen him lately?"
"No, I haven't been babysitting. Cordelia's been home sick for a week."
"Could you check on him when you get back? Just make sure he gets to go outside." The pledge in her voice was new too. Zoe never doubted that Misty loved the little boy like her own, but it was the first time she played the part of the worried mother, at least in Zoe's presence. She couldn't help but oblige.
"Of course. But Misty, why aren't you at home? What's happened?"
Misty cringed at a thought, she didn't share. It looked like some horrible scene just passed her inner eye.
"Ask Cordelia", she said. "She's the one who should tell, if she wanna say anythin'." Then Misty shut the door and left Zoe alone.
When Zoe came back, she went to knock on the door instead of heading straight for the attic. Cordelia opened with the same ghost face Misty had, only it was a little more typical for Cordelia to look like this. Still, the despair in her eyes went deeper than what she used to let Zoe see.
"Can I come in?" Cordelia hesitated for a moment, then nodded and stepped aside. She didn't look ill, not physically anyway and Zoe had an inkling that her sick leave had more to do with the mutual ghostliness and less to do with viruses. She thought Cordelia knew she had this figured out, because she didn't voice any excuses.
Cage sat in the living room, playing with his cars. He looked happy and well fed and everything a child should, just as Zoe could have expected. Cordelia was not a bad mother.
"I… I was just at the swamp", Zoe said. She figured it was no use hiding it, but when Cordelia cringed even more visibly than Misty, she wished she could take it back. Even Cage noticed the sudden pain in the room and he looked up at his mom. Cordelia sat down on the couch and Cage waddled his way over to her. She picked him up with a sad smile and placed him on her lap. They looked at each other for a moment, as if there was nothing else in the world. Zoe thought it was odd, yet beautiful to witness a three year old so obviously trying to comfort his own mother.
"How is she?" Cordelia asked, her eyes still on Cage.
Zoe contemplated lying, afraid of making Cordelia cry. She looked like she could burst into tears at any moment. Zoe settled for something in between. "She, um, didn't look so happy, but she's okay I think."
Cordelia made a breathy kind of laugh, more a scoff than anything else. She finally looked up. "You're sweet, Zoe. Did she sent you here to make sure I don't keep Cage locked up all day?"
"Um…"
"I'm sorry, that was harsh. I just know she's thinking along those lines. But we shouldn't put you in the middle of this, it's childish and unfair to you."
"It's fine, Cordelia, but can I ask… What happened? Misty said to ask you."
"Did she?" Cordelia nodded as if to say 'of course she did'. She swallowed once and a hand went to her temple, rubbing it. Cage saw this and reached up to touch her face.
"It's okay, mommy", he said in a soothing voice too mature for a small child. Cordelia smiled and hugged him closer, whispered "Thank you, darling" into the top of his blonde head.
Zoe was stunned into silence by the exchange that went on between them. The moments in silence felt like they stretched on into minutes, before Cordelia gathered herself and looked up again.
"I was unfaithful. That's the short version. I've been struggling with my illness again lately and it escalated. That's all I can tell you."
"I'm sorry", was the first thing Zoe could think to say. Inside, the picture of their perfect relationship shattered and she felt selfish for getting mad that her role models were no less fucked up than the rest of the world. That look she always cherished, when she saw them together, suddenly it felt unreal. As if she had been painting a much too rosy picture of them, blind to their imperfections, not wanting to see them because she hoped she and Kyle could achieve greatness just like that. The past months should have told her greatness like that doesn't exist. "But I thought…" She started again, unable to keep from it. "I thought you were better? Like cured?"
Cordelia smiled and Zoe thought to herself that not many people could smile and yet look so miserable.
"Better perhaps, but there is no cure for being insane", she said. Zoe didn't know what to answer and so the statement hung in the air alone for a while. At last Cordelia said: "Zoe, I would appreciate it if you kept the things I've told you to yourself."
"Oh, yeah totally! I mean of course I'm not going to say anything. I promise." She nodded to emphasize her words. "I hope you figure things out. Just let me know if I can do anything to help."
"Thanks, that's sweet of you."
She got up then. "Sure. I'll leave you alone now. I'll gather my things from the attic. I don't need the room anymore."
"Is it Kyle up there?" Zoe froze and unluckily it was with her face still turned towards Cordelia, her shocked expression giving everything away. She expected a reaction of shock or some sort of disgust, but Cordelia only said: "I figured, when Misty told me not to go up there. And there has been a few noises, which I try to ignore. And flies- no, don't tell me anything. I don't need to know, unless you want to tell me. I will just say that I'm here in return, if you need anything."
Zoe nodded. "Thanks. But I'm moving him now, so don't worry."
She left before Cordelia could say more.
Kyle followed her eagerly all the way through town. It was a quiet afternoon and they saw no people on their way. Kyle barely even resisted it, when they entered the forest, only kept his cold hand in Zoe's as she lead him down the path, walked along the outskirts of the clearing and down towards the river. Here she threw her arms around his cold, unresponsive body and pressed herself to him one last time.
"I love you, Kyle. But you've got to go now."
When she released him, he looked down at her with a rare clarity. She knew then that he understood everything. But it changed nothing. He touched her hair and tried to smile.
"I lo-ve you Zo-e."
Then he turned and walked down the path to the river.
O0O
Hank was more careful with his choice of bars now. Not because he was afraid to take another beating. The two teeth that fucking witch had knocked out of his mouth didn't hurt him anymore. In fact they never did. She threw a mean punch, he would give her that. But it wasn't to avoid her. It was to avoid being seen altogether. He couldn't risk people finding out who he was, it would cause too much trouble. And he had made a visual spectacle the last time he was out, so he went to the farthest end of town for his drinks now. To a part where people only stared because his skin color wasn't the most dominant anymore. He didn't care. He minded his own business and so did everyone else. No one talked to him, because he didn't invite conversation and the few who tried, he shut down.
Until she came in.
Women were honestly a rare sight at his new bar of choice. For this reason alone, he noticed her the second she walked in. And she noticed him, walked straight to him when she did. She was too beautiful for him and too confident to settle for him. That golden skin, those flashy eyes, her style. He would look so scruffy next to her. That was the only thought he had time to think, before she sat down in front of him at the stall.
"You're Hank Foxx, ain't you?"
He shook his head. "No I'm not." After realizing he had to start a new life with no ties to the old one, he had renamed himself Ben Wolfe and this was the name he used wherever he went. Especially here in New Orleans. But this didn't throw the woman off the slightest. She only smiled.
"No, you're not", she said. "But you used to be." He looked at her more closely and her smile grew sinister. "You were married to Cordelia Goode."
He said nothing, but he knew his expression gave him away. There was something about her, which triggered him. It was the feeling of an aura, not the same as the strength he felt vibrating in the air around Misty, but very similar. A sort of unearthly power. It was vague – he doubted he would have noticed if he hadn't encountered such vibrations before.
"Who are you?"
"My name is Marie Laveau. Little birds have told me you and I have a common enemy."
"Who, Misty?" He said it before he could think. His second thought was Fiona, but Misty came to mind first these days. Her face showed up in his thoughts every time he felt the holes in his dentures with his tongue.
Marie Laveau's gaze grew dark. "Throw her in the mix. I meant Fiona Goode."
"Yeah, she has been on my list too."
"Not as long as she's been on mine, believe me." Hank didn't like to admit it, but the woman's tone scared him. Somehow he knew that whatever plans for revenge he had, hers were greater. More importantly, she intended to go all the way. One look at her face and he knew that.
"So what do you need me for?"
"I assumed you know where to find Misty. She ain't at home these days. Packed up her things and left."
"How do you know?"
"I've got eyes everywhere", she just said, flashed him another one of those sinister smiles. His old self would have been terrified by now, but the paper filter took most of the blow. He only felt slightly uneasy. He drank from his beer to cover up the unease.
"If you have eyes everywhere, why don't you know where Misty lives?" He halfway regretted saying it, but he felt he had to. As if he in some way needed to make sure he was really needed.
She scoffed with laughter, nodded at him. "Birds need to know where they gotta fly to first time."
"And what do I get out of it?" He asked instead. Marie Laveau raised an eyebrow at him.
"I thought that was obvious? You get revenge. You have the intel, I have the means."
"Exactly what means do you have?"
"You ain't heard the rumors?" He had, now that she mentioned it. It ran through these parts of town often. Voodoo Queen. Enemies disappearing or suddenly obeying her. A boy turned undead. That one was new and much speculated. Hank had brushed it off, much like most of the others did. But he would have done the same thing with Misty. And he couldn't deny that. Marie seemed to notice his internal debate and caught his attention again with a nod of her head. "I assure you all the rumors are true. But I don't have to tell you that, do I?"
Hank thought about it. He had run out of questions and so he nodded slowly. "Fine. I'll tell you. But you have to promise that whatever revenge you have planned, it doesn't hurt Cordelia."
She sat back, crossed her arms and looked at him. Measured him with her dark eyes. "Fine", she said then. "I can leave her alone. Does this also mean I gotta stop givin' her nightmares?"
O0O
Misty hadn't seen anything to Kyle or the gators since yesterday when Zoe came out, asking Misty to kill him – or whatever her abilities would do to him. She had kept Nick by the garden, just to be on the safe side. She didn't trust the forces, which resided in Kyle now. Not with the way they responded to her. And if a knife made no impact, like Zoe said, she wasn't confident alligator teeth and claws were any different. But he hadn't showed up and she sensed no turmoil from the river. She was content with that. There were other things taking up space in her mind.
That evening there was a new set of knocking on her door. Misty growled to herself, considered not answering. Maybe then all the damn intruders would go away. She knew it wasn't Cordelia and the rest of the world could wait outside the forest until she felt like dealing with it.
"Misty! I know you're in there, don't make me stand out here with your goddamn reptile watchdog!"
Misty growled again and went to open the door to Fiona.
"What do you want?!"
"I came to talk to you", she said and ignored the snarl in Misty's voice. She went in without invitation and took a quick look around the shack. There was still a faint stain in the wooden floor from when Misty was stabbed by Delphine and Fiona winced at the sight.
"Why you prefer this over an apartment I will never understand, but I suppose I do get the need for distance at the moment."
"Spit it out", Misty said. She stood by the door and waited impatiently for Fiona to settle on the chair, cross her legs and look up at Misty.
"I've taken it upon myself to help you kids set things straight, because you don't seem to have any clue how to do it and frankly this situation is bad for my liver. Which I also need you to look at. It's a goddamn disgrace to drag a sick woman out here for treatment, I'll tell you that-"
"If you've come here just to make excuses for her then go to-"
"Of course I have", Fiona interrupted. "But reasonable ones. If you think I'm not siding with my own daughter then you are far dumber than I give you credit for."
Misty snarled, a sound animalistic enough to scare most away, but Fiona only gave her a stern look.
"Spare me, kid. Now listen. It took me a long while to accept that you know my daughter better than I do myself, but I have now. I accept it. I'm even happy about it, because the best possible person will be left with her, when my traitorous body finally drives me out of it. But there is one thing that I understand about her, which you never quite got and that is her self-destructive habits."
"I get it enough", Misty said, thinking about all the cuts she had healed. She understood the need for control, the channel of pain even if she had never felt those urges herself.
Fiona shook her head at her, so calmly it made Misty want to scream at her. "No you don't. Because you still think this unfortunate event has the slightest to do with you, do you not?" Misty reluctantly nodded. "It does not. You are not of my blood, even if I were your mother at one point and so you have not inherited our flair for self-destructiveness. We have perfected it over the years and Cordelia sure is a natural. You see, she is used to being miserable, because she has been for most of her life. It's how she recognizes herself. When you came back, she was still miserable, because she used it to ruin her own marriage. Then it all worked out, the fox left – I must remember to thank you for that by the way – and you've got Cage. That boy is a blessing and we all know it. She has never been happier. And she doesn't know how to deal with that. So she did what she does best."
"She ruined it", Misty finished. She wanted to tell Fiona to shut up with her cruel analysis, but couldn't. Because it fit. And Misty hated to admit the fraction of relief she felt. She thought maybe Fiona saw it.
"Misty, you're too wise to believe that she doesn't love you anymore. Now it's time to forgive her."
The trance broke at that and the heaviness came back like a raincloud in fast-forward.
"You can't just tell me to forgive her, doesn't work like that", she snarled and started to pace. "Just 'cause you give me an explanation. She still hurt me."
"And you hurt her", Fiona said. She followed Misty's movements, made sure she heard. "When you left. She forgave you for that. Faster than I did, I might add."
"I don't care what you forgive or not."
"I know", Fiona said and stood up. "Are we good here? Because I need a hand." Misty growled, but went to heal Fiona and give her another week without pain.
"She still loves him", Misty mumbled as she lifted Fiona's clothes to expose the skin covering her liver.
"Sadly, yes. As much as I wish she never did, it's true."
"That part you can't explain away."
Fiona didn't answer and just then the energy started to flow. Misty didn't say anymore, but concentrated on the task at hand. They didn't talk when she was done. Fiona left, which gave Misty the silence to let her thoughts flow free. They poked and scratched and offered some relief and Misty admitted that she was tired of breathing through that hole in her chest.
A/N: Hey guys, just a head's up. I've got exams coming up and I'm battling a minor hand injury on top of that, so the next couple of chapters might be a more sporadic. Promise I won't forget you though. And as always thank you so so much for reading!