Chapter Thirty-Nine

Interpretations

After leaving Sandy, North had made his way to his private chambers that were tucked away in a remote corner of the Pole, almost as well hidden as the library. When the place was built, he had seen to it personally that his room was far enough away from the main hub so that he wouldn't be disturbed by any noise.

North changed into his nightclothes and rolled into bed, picking up a book from the night table to read until Sandy arrived.

Sandy knew well where North's bed chambers were having stopped by to give the Cossack plenty of good dreams in the past. Some of North's dreams had surprised Sandy from his former years as a bandit king. He was definitely a force to be reckoned with.

Swooping in on a wave of sand, the Sandman glided fluidly in to North's room to settle on the pillow beside North giving him a warm smile.

"Ah, Sandy," North sleepily said, closing his book to put away on the night table. He settled back against his pillow. "I trust our grumpy family member is now sleeping soundly."

Sandy depicted a sand scene of Pitch tucked in his bed with a small smile. It swirled away into a new scene of flashing suns and moons with each moon showing Sandy next to Pitch's bedside as a promise that he would be sure to come nightly from now on to help in the way that he was capable.

"That is good," North smiled. "And I am also glad to hear that you are willing to help during next week." He sighed. "I really don't know what to do with him. He seems determined to do something to earn punishment. It is almost like he is testing me, or trying to make me miserable. I do not know. What he can't seem to understand is that he makes himself miserable. It is sad sight."

Sandy frowned depicting an image of Pitch sitting sadly with legs folded to his chest and arrows surrounding him. The sand figure looked at all the directions and buried his head in his arms. It was Sandy's way of telling North that he didn't think Pitch was testing him but that the Boogeyman was trying to figure out where to go with too many options to decide. Sandy had seen Pitch's dreams and was beginning to understand that the man was severely emotionally underdeveloped from so many years of being alone without other people, but he didn't know how to express this to North very well, but he tried anyway.

He formed a picture of Pitch now followed by a heart the Pitch figure reached out for the heart pulling it close to himself possessively then he showed a picture of the guardians surrounding him and Pitch clutching the heart tighter as if he was attempting to hide it from them. Toothiana's sand form reached out to touch him gently, and the Pitch figure shrank away, the second time the Tooth figure touched Pitch he tentatively reached out a hand to her letting the Tooth figure touch the heart he still held tightly to his chest causing the Pitch figure to retreat again. Pitch was afraid of the connections they were creating, and Sandy believed it was creating more stress and further anxieties pushing the Boogeyman to often be rude and volatile. Sandy looked up to North to see if any of his thoughts were translating.

North nodded. "I think I understand what you are saying. But... what do you recommend? I appreciate advice, seeing as I am lost as to what to do."

Sandy sat back against one of North's pillows flashing a picture of a clock ticking with the dials moving around as an indication that it would take time. He sighed looking sad now as he showed a picture of Pitch's face laying on his pillow and Sandy petting his hair causing him to cry. He seemed quite disturbed that Pitch was so far removed from affection that it would evoke such a reaction, and Sandy now believed Pitch needed this most to direct him to a better path.

It was as the moon had told them before on their first real convergence as guardians to talk about what Pitch needed from them, love. It was an affront and a confusion to most of them at first to think they could ever care about someone that had acted as vile as Pitch Black had. Sandy hadn't understood then, but it was finally becoming clear what the moon had meant. The longer Pitch had been around them, the more layers were slowly getting removed to reveal the true vulnerability that lay at Pitch's core. He was lonely and hurt, and after so many thousands of years, he'd forgotten most of his humanity, but the deeper the guardians dug, the more they were able to pull to the surface. It was promising. North thought he was failing, but it was perhaps because he was so close to the issue that he hadn't seen just how much change he'd already pushed into the man.

North nodded. "I understand that it will take time." He sighed.

Sandy nodded regarding his friend and how exhausted he looked as he created a loop of arching sand to lightly sprinkle over North's head as the man inched down under the covers to get comfortable and Sandy smoothed out the sheets to make North cozy. He smiled down lovingly at his fellow guardian now working to ease him into a tranquil slumber.

Dreams of children playing with some of his newest inventions took shape above North's head, and Sandy felt satisfied enough seeing this and hearing the deep rumble of the Cossack's snores as he floated out of the room to start his nightly runs.

The next morning, North eagerly walked down the hallway to Pitch's room, opening the door. "Rise and shine, Pitch! Is new day!" he bellowed cheerfully. Thanks to Sandy's dreamsand, he had spent a wonderful night in a deep sleep and was feeling quite rested and eager to start a day's work.

Pitch had woken a few hours prior also feeling quite rested. He was happy enough when he rose, but he stayed in bed a long while afterward just thinking on the day and night before; it left him feeling insecure of his placement at the Pole ruminating on what was said the night before. When he'd left his room after returning from a good day's work, he'd felt at home more than he ever had, but now, he felt disjointed. He kept thinking on North's demeanor towards him the night before, the strain was obvious; the man was tired, tired of him.

The thought of this pained Pitch terribly, and as such he stayed within his sheets disquieted in the silence of his room and feeling slightly displaced and more than a bit of a burden. The weight of these thoughts left Pitch feeling despondent like he might have broken something in their relationship that he couldn't readily repair.

It was a surprise when North had come to fetch him so cheerily. Pitch quietly slipped out of bed carefully avoiding his still quite tender posterior from having any weight placed on it as he did so. He peered up to North warily as he offered a soft, "Good morning. You …you're right; it is a new day …I'm glad it is," Pitch stated soberly. He couldn't shake the pang of sadness he still felt as he readied himself to start their day as quickly as possible so as not to upset North while he was in such high spirits. He liked to see the man this way, it made him feel a little better to see his face radiating happiness. He planned to do his best to make sure he didn't offend the man today as he hated the feelings that were eating at him now. He had to wonder if he may have driven a wedge between them due to his inability lately to not be able to stay out of trouble.

"Today we will be painting sides of conveyor, so it won't be hard work." he continued.

Pitch merely nodded his acquiescence stepping beside North and bowing his had as a sign of deference that he was ready to follow the man when he was ready to go.

"Come on, Pitch, you can smile. You were so chipper yesterday."

Pitch forced a smile to appease North, but he didn't really feel like smiling, "We should probably get to the site before Dave starts to wonder where we are," Pitch offered just wanting an excuse to drown himself in a task at this point.

North eyed Pitch a few minutes, then gave a nod. "Alright. Let us go." He led the way down the hall, looking back every so often to make sure Pitch was following.

Pitch walked along lost in his thoughts but otherwise keeping step with North as they made it to the landfill site. He didn't broker any conversation as they went remaining unfrequented in his mind as the wheels spun jostling about his emotions towards how he now felt and deciding it best to just withdraw into himself rather than leave himself open to wound like he had been. He would do as North wished to the letter, and then the man would be happy with him again, and if not, Pitch would continue to weave a protection to push out any feelings that could hurt him in that regard, so when the man did reject him, he could remain unfretted.

North led Pitch to the landfill in silence. When they arrived, Dave already had the section sides to the conveyor laid out alongside buckets of paint.

Pitch didn't wait to be told what to do wanting to show he had the initiative to do what needed to be done without being instructed to do so. He grabbed up a bucket of paint and began throwing himself into the task now. He couldn't stop feeling unhappy though as his thoughts reflected on one of North's last words to him repeating like a mantra in his head that they'd all be surprised if he could get along without another screw up anytime soon. He'd lost faith in Pitch, and this was a toppling discouragement on so many levels. Those words still ate at him now like daggers of despair etching out a path in his heart that he wasn't really worth the effort that they were investing in him. He tried to drown these feelings out in his work now as he concentrated on the wood panel in front of him staring at it intently, but in actuality he could have been staring straight through it.

North pulled up a crate, picked up one of the panels, and began painting along with Pitch.

"You know, I have been thinking. During your grounding, I thought maybe we could spend some time together." North finally said. "Maybe play games or read together or something."

Pitch paused glancing over at North depicting reticence and longing. Did North really want to spend time with him? "You… you would want to do that …with me?" He couldn't help the look of disbelief that flashed across his features thinking he and North hadn't really done anything like that before, but is sounded nice.

North looked at Pitch, cocking his head to the side. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"I… I don't know," Pitch trailed off as he looked away back to his panel and resumed painting. What Pitch didn't say was that he didn't think North would really want to spend time with him because his presence seemed like a tedious task.

"Is there something you wish to talk about?" North asked.

Pitch's strokes slowed as he thought, was there anything to talk about? He didn't want to anger North or annoy him with such trivialities as hurt feelings. It was weak and pathetic he told himself as he shook his head swallowing hard, "Uh… na-no." Pitch couldn't look at North as he spoke now focusing his eyes on the panel, but he was hurting, and talking like this now was only making his emotions roll through him like a wave that caused a small tremor in his hand expressing a touch of what had been eating at him all morning.

North regarded Pitch a minute before focusing on his painting again. "Alright. Just know I am always here if you feel need to talk."

Pitch couldn't help but glance at North his eyes soft and vulnerable as a swell of what exactly he wasn't sure laid heavily in his chest making it feel hard to breath. He hated these feelings! They pulled at him illogically, and he did his best now to ignore them and just continue painting, but the man's near presence and his offer to spend time with him now conflicted with the walls he was trying to build leaving him feeling like a mess inside as his lip twitched and his eyes glassed over. He needed to get away from here and get himself together he decided quickly dumping the paint brush in the bucket and moving to retreat pausing because he didn't know where he could retreat to in the current situation he was in. His eyes darted around the work area before he made a b-line for the water keg.

North looked up, turning a puzzled look to Pitch.

Pitch didn't stop to regard him afraid that if he did, these damnable emotions might erupt the wellspring within him of tears fighting to come to the surface. He couldn't understand why he couldn't just ignore his feelings. They had been dead within him for centuries… millennia even, but now ever since these guardians pulled him into their world, he was forced to endure the pains of disappointment and desire for approval. He didn't want this! He just wanted to go back to not feeling anything for anyone, it was so much easier then. He made it to the water keg grabbing one of the paper cups in a shaky hand and filling it mostly for a reason to have come over here in the first place. He looked down at his cup of water that he now clasped gently in both hands just taking in a long trembling breath as he worked to get himself under control again.

"Are you sure there is nothing you wish to talk about?" North called to Pitch.

Pitch stilled, closed his eyes, and pretended not to hear North. The tears that had been pooled in his eyes spilled quietly down his angular cheeks. He was torn between wanting to shut North out to guard against the pain of possible rejection and longing to stay close and become closer to do the things that North spoke of because if it was one thing the Boogeyman had very little of was friendship. He was going to need to go back to his station to resume his work, and he hoped that letting a little of his emotion out over here would help him steel against releasing any more of it when he returned. He wiped at his face with the back of his hand glad the wound that had been there was now for the most part healed although his salty tears made the dry skin itch. He could stand here and collect himself a few more minutes, and then he would be able to bury these emotions effectively Pitch decided.

"Pitch," North called again, a little louder.

Deciding he was only going to get a minute reprieve, Pitch tossed the water cup in the trash, exhaled deeply, and turned to go back to his station. He kept his face downcast because he didn't want North to see he'd been crying as he sidled back up next to the man busying himself with picking up his paintbrush to return to work. Not wanting to seem like he was ignoring the Cossack, Pitch stumbled out, "Ya-yes North?"

"Is everything okay?" North asked in concern. "You are acting awfully peculiar today. At first I figured it was due to last night, but now you are starting to worry me."

That wave of concern for him shattered the defenses he was trying to build as another trail of tears broke free to cascade down Pitch's face. He bit his lip trying to stop the frown contorting his face as he blinked at the steady flow of tears. Gripping angrily at his paintbrush for his lack of emotional control, he grit his teeth now as he growled low, "I… I don't understand you! You… confound me greatly!"

North's brow furrowed as he reached over to gently put a hand on Pitch's shoulder. "What is wrong, Pitch?" he said in a soft tone. "I am confused as to what ails you. If you would only talk with me and help me understand, perhaps we will be on same page."

He let out a watery, "I… I don't know." More tears rolled in quick succession down his cheeks as he did his best to keep his face titled to the side away from North. He gripped the paintbrush now in both hands as he sniffed, "I… it's not rational, and I wish I could stop feeling like this," he whined pitifully.

"Feeling like what?" North asked, still confused as to what Pitch was even talking about.

He warbled, "Unhappy… I… you've told me that you're weary of me, and that you don't expect me to do better! And… and I try to accept that I'm likely going to fail you," he was crying openly now as these feelings of self-loathing bit into him, "Then …then you tell me you want to spend time with me. I… I don't understand why you would want to when I am such an affliction to you."

North's mouth tightened as he listened to Pitch. He stayed silent for several minutes after he had finished.

"I am sorry that you got that impression out of what I said. And I am sorry if words came out of my mouth in that way." he finally said. "I will not lie to you. You have tried my patience quite a few times until I am weary. But that does not mean I care less for you or want to give up on you. I know that all of this will take time. I think both of us need to put past behind us and start all over again. And I hope to do that during week of grounding." He squeezed Pitch's shoulder lightly. "Pitch, you will fail—you will fail me and you will fail yourself. There is no getting around that. You are not perfect and you will make mistakes along way, some of them will even be failures. But failures have to happen because they are part of learning. How you approach failures is up to you, though. You can allow them to discourage you and get you down in dumps, or you can learn from them and make up your mind to do better next time. The choice is yours to make. While I would like for last night's… discussion… to be our last, I know it probably won't be because you are still on learning path. You will probably slip-up on occasion. Although I do hope that you learned something from your recent failures and will make effort to prove me wrong on that. You have made great improvement over time you have been here, regardless of the times that you have taken steps backwards. I can see a great change in you, and I hope you will keep on improving. I hope you get to point where you can keep moving forward without stumbling backwards. I know you can if you try hard enough."

Pitch wiped at his face sniffling before tentatively turning his face up to look at North silently assessing North's words for validity. He did want to start over. And he supposed he would have to accept the fact that he likely would fail again even though he didn't like to think like that, he had to admit he was far from perfect. He took in a deep breath, "I'm sorry… you …you're right. I don't know what came over me. I …I don't understand myself anymore half the time," he ducked his head in shame hating how easy it was for him to have these emotional upsets these days.

North smiled lovingly at Pitch. "Perhaps it is sign that you are changing."

Pitch slumped his shoulders giving a small insecure nod, "I …I hope so," he stated in a small voice as he tried to give a hopeful smile and another set of tears streaked down his face.

North patted his shoulder "Cheer up. We have painting to do. It will be just like painting eggs, yes? Then later on we can have pizza for lunch. I requested pizza today, just for you."

Pitch smiled a little brighter, "You did that for me? …Thank you. It means a lot that you would do that for me… even after everything last night. Sorry for the waterworks …I don't know why my emotions seem so out of control lately. It… it's rather embarrassing," he sniffed ducking his dead a moment before looking back up bashfully, "I …I think I'm okay now."

North dipped his brush in the paint and began painting his panel again. "I think it is part of you changing. Sounds like emotions that have been buried deep inside you all of these centuries are starting to come out."

Pitch dipped his own brush and began drawing it across his panel digesting what North had said. He was silent for a long moment before he responded, "I… I don't recall them. These feelings and emotions… I don't remember ever having them… before." He studied the panel a moment lost in thought before continuing, "I didn't care before," he stated lightly, "About… about anyone else… or, or what they thought. And… and now that I do…" He shook his head as if to dislodge the words, "I feel confused all of the time. I …I don't know who I am any more or who I'm supposed to be. I don't know if that's changing or just… being lost." There was a pang of doubt that rang through his last words as he hesitated a moment feeling vulnerable to have admitted this much. Pitch began painting again to ease his own awkwardness as the blush crept across his cheeks.

"You had them." North assured. "At least, before fearlings entered you. But sounds to me like your old self, before fearlings, is trying to come through. It is best that you allow these feelings and emotions run their course. If you try to suppress them, it could push you back into the state you were in previously."

Pitch swallowed hard thinking of where he was before he'd come to the Pole isolated and bitter, "I… I'll try not to. Suppress them too much. I… it makes me feel …exposed …and weak not being able to control them like I should, and …and that bothers me greatly," Pitch admitted.

"There is nothing to be shamed of." North smiled. "It's not weird. Everyone goes through it."

Pitch looked puzzled, he didn't see anyone else getting so easily derailed by their emotions, or maybe they just didn't around him? He was no stranger to seeing others cry as the nightmare lord, he'd seen plenty of children's tears as they gasped awakening to run to their parents' arms after a particularly good night terror he'd created. He'd always observed these reactions passively like a job well done on his part that he'd twisted their dreams so thoroughly that they couldn't sleep through the night. To watch these, expressions of affection that followed from the parents, always made Pitch feel uncomfortable, and most times enraged since what had usually followed was a firm stamping out of any belief in him. He hadn't really thought any more about it other than a reaction to the fear he'd caused them, but now he was starting to understand the longing for comfort and validity from someone who would care about them was why they ran to their parents. Fear was just the catalyst to seek it. He didn't speak on these thoughts as he painted and continued to quietly contemplate the emotions he had begun to feel now and what they meant to him and for him.

Pitch was glad that he and North had finally spoke about what he'd been bottling up for most of the morning. Having addressed it and to have gained an understanding renewed his faith that he and North were still on good terms. He had needed to hear it because he had been highly doubtful. Now he knew that North did still care about him, and that he hadn't lost any of his affection. Pitch was appeased now and able to move on. He smiled cheerily as the two carried on like they had the other day. North's reassurance helped to chase the dark clouds away leaving behind a calm satisfaction that the two truly had a fresh start, and Pitch knew that this would be a better day than the last.