Chapter 6: Dappled in Shadow

Ryder breathed in deeply, feeling the comfortable weight of Akksul's arms shift slightly on her, speculatively studying the warm glow of the heat lamp bathing the coolly glowing tiles as if to battle the inexorable bleakness that was coming from below. She had been watching that mesh of light and shadow since waking long minutes ago, finding comfort in being aware of her surroundings for the moment; she would have taken much more comfort in the unexpected closeness that had developed between her and Akksul, she wanted to, but he still slumbered and she was much too uncertain about what his feelings would be when he woke. It was easier to rest in his arms and just imagine that all was well for the moment, so long as she didn't think about it too hard.

Still, there was only so much she could do to ignore him, pressed to her as he was, and watching the light-dappled chamber didn't chase away the awareness that the life had drained from this place; blushingly she finally turned her head to stare into Akksul's face. Anxiety warred with fascination as she imagined the possible scenarios: maybe he would blame her for seducing him, even if he had been the one to steal the first kiss, or perhaps he would declare it a mistake… or maybe he would accept it, and she would spend her final days despairing for what might have been; but then, she was convinced that there was no circumstance other than facing certain death alone and trapped that could have instigated intimacy between the former Roekaar leader and an alien such as herself in the first place. It was meant to be this way.

How do I feel about that? she wondered. Fretting gradually turned into a quiet study of how he breathed and the contours of his wan, angular face in the peaceful embrace of dreams, and she found herself wanting to be near him; not just for the comfort of another living soul, but because of some inexplicable magnetism that she had been struggling against without realizing it. Absently she touched her lips with her fingertips, remembering that first kiss. Sense had been very far from her mind in that moment, but it had felt like a desire fulfilled on his part, hungry and savoring, before it turned impatient for more; dared she hope that he had similar feelings for her?

Suddenly Akksul stirred and Ryder froze, at a loss as to how to act or what to expect. Slowly blinking away the sleep, he rolled onto his back and sat up, gradually gazing around as if to make sure that everything was where he had last seen it, until his eyes fell on her beside him an unreadable expression crossed his face before he hastily looked away again. As if his gaze had been the trigger to release her from a spellbind, Ryder also sat up, pulling her clothes closer to cover herself, but abruptly Akksul's fingers were on her wrist, preventing her from doing more than hugging the wrinkled shirt to her chest. He didn't seem to be able to decide what to say, though some of what he thought was plain enough on his face; there was, of course, anger and resignation, but there was also a surprising amount of uncertainty and interest. Ryder waited patiently for him to arrive at some sort of conclusion. If he wanted to delay the inevitable conversation, that was fine by her, particularly because she didn't know what she wanted to hear.

"I… dreamed of you," Akksul said finally.

"Just now?" Ryder asked carefully. His tone was so serious, she was afraid he would retreat into himself or lash out if he mistook her tone or expression for mockery, though she was convinced he could tell her heart was racing with apprehension. Her eyes flicked down to his hand gripping her gently; maybe he really could feel it, at that.

"Then, too," he replied, looking away and frowning. "I do not understand it."

"Understand what?" she asked hesitantly. "Your dream?"

"It is as though you have invaded my mind, since…" he cut off, taking a deep breath. "You are so different than anyone I have ever known," he continued.

"You mean I'm an alien," Ryder said slowly. Well, it wasn't as though she didn't expect this reaction. Still, she wished he would release her wrist so she could get dressed; she wasn't sure she could face this conversation unclothed.

"You are," Akksul nodded. "Yet, you are not like them."

"The kett?" she asked, confused.

"Like any of your kind… or the kett," he added judiciously.

Ryder frowned. "So I am an exception, but not the rule." Akksul's fingers finally released her, but she did not continue dressing; instead, she pulled her knees up and hugged them. Was he really trying to justify what had happened between them with such weak reasoning? She tried to smother feelings of disappointment and focus on the work at hand; if it was the last thing she did, she would change his mind about her and the Initiative.

"You are… exceptional," Akksul said a little warily, eyeing her. Perhaps he realized that she wasn't going to let him explain it all away. Still, it was nice to hear that.

"In what way?" she asked, holding his gaze with hers.

Akksul floundered. "You… saved my life." Ryder waited. Finally, he grimaced and continued. "You want me to say that I've changed my mind about everything I've said about your people – but some scars just go too deep, Pathfinder. Do not expect me to sing the praises of the Initiative, it is as flawed now as when I first encountered it, splintered and festering. Your people are not a culture I can embrace."

Ryder looked away. "Yet you would lay with me?" she asked, trying not to let too much bitterness suffuse her tone. "Were you just looking for a… distraction? Forget what is to come as much as forget who and what I am, and…"

Akksul turned her face back to him with gentle fingers. "No," he said, looking into her eyes. "I say what I mean. You are… I do not have words," his eyes studied her face, brushing her cheek, her lips, her neck, before he lifted a lock of her hair, letting it slowly slip through his fingers. "It feels just as I imagined it," he murmured. "Only softer."

Blushing, Ryder tried to tear her eyes away from him, gather her wits about her, but the part of her that yearned to hear those things wouldn't let her do it. She just trembled from his touch and felt both tears and laughter swell in the back of her throat. Somehow she had managed to break through his anger, but it was all for naught; they had days, perhaps only hours, before the water would drown them and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She closed her eyes to keep the few tears that had escaped her control from falling, but apparently she couldn't quite hide the misery she felt because a moment later Akksul's fingers pulled away.

"I have upset you," Akksul said, startlingly concerned, yet somehow managing to sound unapologetic.

"I don't want to die," Ryder said softly, opening her eyes and peering towards the entrance, shivering as she imagined icy water surging through to smother them.

He grimaced. "Wanting something has never mattered," he observed.

"With some exceptions," Ryder glanced at him, smiling faintly – he certainly had wanted something from her with that kiss – forcing her anguish down and burying it deep. As she saw it, she had a choice about how to face death; whimpering and wallowing was not how she wanted to go out.

Akksul shrugged a little uncomfortably. "You leave a lasting impression," he said dryly, and somewhat cryptically, but this time Ryder decided not to pursue it, not when she had a chance to really make a difference in his mind.

"What happened to you?" she asked softly. "After the Forge, I mean."

Akksul sighed, silent for a long moment before speaking. "I was lost. I wandered into a daar and found myself unwelcome among my own people… they knew my face, knew who I was. I returned to the Moshae for a little while, but she said I was still too angry." His eyes, filled with memories, seemed hollow as he revisited those feelings, but traces of a snarl was indication enough that the Moshae had probably been right about that. "Those people… I protected those people and when I needed them, they turned their backs on me."

"You also took many of them away…" Ryder said gently. "Some of them didn't go home."

He bowed his head in acknowledgement. "I did right by them. And their families. I made sure their families would want for nothing…"

"That is little comfort to someone who lost a daughter, a brother, a mother. I understand fighting the kett, but many Roekaar could have done so much more against them, instead they fought us," she said. "They know that, the Initiative came to your planets in peace and everywhere we have gone we have helped as much as we can." She didn't want to break the spell of his confiding mood and she was afraid that any criticism from her would make his walls go up again, but it was her honest response and that was what she stood for; if he was to hate or love her, it should be for herself, not for what he wanted to hear.

"Would reasoning and parlay have kept your exiles from slaughtering angara?" he asked, hot-eyed.

"That is only really relevant on Kadara and Elaaden – not anywhere near your staging grounds," she pointed out. "Nor are the exiles a part of the Initiative anymore. It is unfair to judge all of us by their actions when we have no control over them."

Akksul grimaced. "Because your people lost control."

"Much of our leadership was wiped out by the Scourge, nothing was as it was supposed to be. But I have been fixing things, restoring relations with our people – all the Roekaar have done is antagonized everyone."

"The Roekaar gave their lives to protect our people," Akksul said sharply.

"And now they are trying to kill the Moshae, and who knows who else," Ryder retorted.

He looked away again, not replying. There really was nothing to say, nothing they could do. Finally she dressed; it was clear she wasn't going to charm her way through this conversation and she wasn't really sure if she could have gone through with that tactic anyway. Akksul watched her, an unreadable expression on her face, but she knew regret when she saw it; it took the edge off her irritation and she settled back down close to him, though she stopped herself short of taking his hand. There was still too much tension between them for that. She left her armor off, though, seeing no point to it other than symbolically walling herself off from him completely, but she didn't want to do that.

"Do you have any regrets?" Ryder broke the silence. She was genuinely curious, but partly she asked because stillness was the last thing she wanted to listen to in this place, especially knowing what was coming.

"Regrets?" Akksul asked.

"Something you wish you had done differently… or done, or not done at all, for that matter," she explained.

"Do humans spend a lot of time in the past?" he asked dryly.

"How else can we learn?"

Surprisingly, he nodded in agreement. Then again, he had been a scientist studying the distant past before his life as a Roekaar. "Regret… I regret that I failed the Moshae," he said quietly.

"I gave her the best protection I could," Ryder said consolingly, but he shook his head.

"I don't mean that. She wanted me to change. To become who I was… I could not, cannot ever, there are too many memories… but I could have done better."

Ryder was silent for a moment. "Do better now by honoring that wish," she said finally.

Akksul studied her. "I regret not learning more about you."

She smiled. "You still can."

Wordlessly he turned her face towards him again with warm fingers and bent to kiss her, slipping his other arm around her waist to pull her closer. Ryder lost herself in his embrace, still stunned by the impossibility, the thrill of being close to him like this. A part of her was filled with sorrow that they had such short time to explore their feelings and that she couldn't do more to heal the wounds he carried, but for the moment she was content to enjoy his affections and indulge his curiosity. There was no other word to describe his experimental kisses and touches, though he seemed to gain as much pleasure from the experience as she did. It did not last.

Intense, hot pain flashed through Ryder suddenly and she gasped, hands convulsively gripping Akksul's shoulders, body arching away from the ground; the world seemed to darken and she was sure she was going to pass out, but instead she drifted somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness, the agony keeping her anchored enough in reality to realize she was breathing hard and Akksul was keeping her from falling flat on her back to writhe on the stone. He seemed to be saying something, but when her eyes opened everything swam nauseatingly and she couldn't reply.

Path— SAM's voice! Ryder's heart felt like it would burst from relief and she laughed, despite feeling her every nerve was on fire. For the first time in days she was certain that they would escape and she forced herself to focus on Akksul to share the wonderful news; her laughter died abruptly as her eyes met his, looking at her with a mix of curiosity and worry. Only then did she register just how close he held her; the pain was subsiding and her mind cleared a little more with each passing second, but with clarity came painful realization.

What would happen once they rejoined the world on the surface? Ryder thought about the incredibly fragile relationship that had blossomed between them; it had been despair and a need for comfort that had driven them together, but if she had learned anything over the days they had spent trapped down there, it was that she was more than a little drawn to Akksul in a way she couldn't imagine with anyone else. Out there, though, part of him was still very much the leader of the Roekaar – and she was the human Pathfinder. Those two identities did not mix at all, no matter what cracks webbed through his convictions. Looking at him, though, she knew that the importance of stopping whatever they had unleashed outweighed anything else, but if that wasn't enough, her responsibilities to the Initiative – not to mention saving the Moshae's life – were far too important to ignore. Still, a selfish part of her wished she could face herself in the morning and stay here until they died, in his embrace as she was right then.

Extracting herself from his arms, she woozily sat up facing him. "SAM is back," she said simply, and held her breath.

Akksul's eyes lit up immediately and he scrambled to his feet. "Can he get us out?"

"I don't know yet, the link isn't strong enough yet I think, but I think he will be," she said, forcing a smile.

"We can save the Moshae!" he said, laughing in relief.

"And stop whatever it was we unleashed," Ryder added. She hoped he didn't see the grief building inside, spilling over the walls she tried to surround it with; he didn't seem to realize, or perhaps care, that once they returned to the outside world they would probably be enemies again.

"Come on, let's try the well," he reached a hand down to her to help her up.

A little startled at the gesture, Ryder took it and stood, carefully donning her remaining clothes and armor before retrieving her weapons and the few other possessions she wanted to take with her. Not that they had much to take; most everything in the camp had been tossed after them by Zivrel to keep them alive and would only encumber them once they were in Havarl's jungle. Akksul also dressed hastily, but she noticed that he hovered near her several times when she hadn't been sure her knees wouldn't buckle under her and unceremoniously deposit her on the stone floor, but other than that, he gave no indication that he was aware of the effort it took for her to just move. Finally though, there was nothing left to do but make the attempt.

Ryder followed Akksul to the controls. "SAM?" she asked, looking inward.

Ryder, connection… SAM's voice spoke in her mind again, but still fuzzy. Attempting… secure… well now.

"Good enough for me," Ryder said, biting her lip determinedly. Her hand went over the controls and she tried once again to feel the tech and bring it to life.

A hum spread through the floor and a brilliant blue swelled in the depths of the controls, and abruptly the whole room seemed to shudder to life. It was still a painful effort to hold the flow and keep it going, but Ryder was certain beyond a doubt that SAM was much more connected to her than when they were first trapped. She laughed in delight, her hand shaking with the effort while with her free hand she hastily wiped away tears clinging to her lashes and she looked over her shoulder to Akksul. His expression mirrored her own, almost as if he was hesitant and eager all at once.

"I don't know how long I can hold it, be ready to jump if we need to," she said.

He stepped close to her and gave her a nod. "I'm ready," he said simply.

Ryder released the flow and sent them surging upwards. Light seemed to spread through the columns as if racing them, pulsing with that same frosty blue light that she now recognized as the infection, whatever it was; abruptly the lights began to sputter and die, fading back down and to her dismay, Ryder felt the energy surrounding them shudder and vanish in pockets. Looking up she could see the lip of the chasm and just as the gravity well's power disappeared completely, she made a desperate grasp and caught the edge, grunting in pain as the force of her bodyweight strained her arm, but she didn't waste time contemplating it. Laboring to pull herself up, she barely registered Akksul doing the same next to her, putting all her attention into what she was doing until finally she rolled over the edge and away, breathing hard and staring into a clear sky, the night breeze chilling the sweat on her face.

"We made it," she said finally.

"We don't have time to waste," Akksul replied, though he, too, sounded short of breath.

"Right," Ryder rolled onto her side painfully. "SAM? Can you hear me?"

Yes, Pathfinder, SAM's voice said, still crackling, but it was much clearer than down below.

"Good. Where is that blasted dampener?"

Your scanner will sh—

"Got it," Ryder sighed, wincing. Every time SAM tried to speak her brain seemed to throb, but she ignored it as best she could and scanned the area. When she finally found the device Zivrel had used to cut her off from SAM, she unholstered her weapon and fired an entire round of ammo into it, until the thing began to smoke and spark, making guttural noises as its system fried.

"What is that?" Akksul asked, stepping up beside her to frown down at it. "I think you destroyed it."

"That," Ryder said grimly, "was what kept SAM cut off from me."

Almost instantly the change was noticeable. The pain ebbed away, leaving behind only a vague ache to remind her of the pain and she could feel subtle changes in herself that she could best describe as just feeling right again. But one ache didn't subside and it took her a moment to realize the tightness in her chest was emotion, not a physical expression of the rift between her and the AI. Her eyes met Akksul's and she saw a change in the way he looked at her; there was uncertainty in his expression and she sensed that he had pulled back into a guarded place inside himself. Perhaps all he needed was space, but somehow she knew that wasn't the case.

Pathfinder, SAM's voice spoke in her mind and it was truly clear for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. There is significant trauma in your body from manipulating Remnant technology while the implant was disconnected, however there is no permanent damage. The link has been reestablished to its full extent. Ryder closed her eyes briefly, relieved to hear it, but she didn't feel like she would be alright.

"We need to get to the port, I have to contact my people," Ryder said briskly.

"Where did they take the Moshae?" Akksul demanded. "We need to find her immediately, Zivrel has had days to make an attempt on her life."

"They took her to one of your daars here on Havarl," Ryder replied, grimacing. Not ten minutes since they escaped and already he was sliding back to his cold, arrogant self. "I don't know which, that was part of the plan in case something happened to me, so we have to talk to my people first." That was one of the few precautions they had taken that she had thought prudent considering the dodgy quality of that message she now knew had come from Zivrel.

"Lead on, then," Akksul said impatiently, but then he hesitated, locking eyes with her. "Please – I need to save her."

Ryder opened her mouth to reply, but finally she just nodded and turned on her heels, only pausing long enough to get her bearings. A dream is a beautiful place, but like with every dream, eventually you must wake… she thought sadly, before ruthlessly shoving aside the mix of feelings churning in her heart and focusing hard on their mission.