" I told you that his tastes were twisted. He likes the Vampire experience. He drank from my blood" Alex replied and closed her eyes.
" He did what?" Tom whispered in shock.
" Why? Why did you let him do that to you?" Nikita asked in disbelief.
" It isn't something that I haven't experienced before and it was my ticket to his bedroom." Alex said calmly staring out of the window with the back of the chair still turned back on them.
" Why did you take that mission? Why.." Nikita started.
" Why did I whore myself to this man?" Alex cut her off and completed her sentence.
" I wasn't going to say that" Nikita shouted.
Alex stood up and walked towards Nikita. She looked her directly to her eyes.
" This is exactly what you wanted to say. You might have used other words but the meaning is the same." Alex said firmly not taking her gaze away from Nikita.
" And I took this mission, I whored myself again or whatever you want to call it because Max is just a kid. I chose this life, you and Michael chose this life. Max didn't and I am not going to take away his right to choose. He is just a kid. I am not letting him get involved in a war that he doesn't even know that exists! I am not letting him become Amanda's victim. And if that means that I will have to whore myself, shell my soul to the devil or even get myself killed, then so be it" Alex added seriously.
" I think that I will leave you two alone." Tom said and left the room.
" Alex..." Nikita started.
" What now Nikita?" Alex cut her off. Her relationship with Nikita wasn't the best after Ossetia and with Nikita's comment got only worse. Alex was too tired trying to hold herself together after letting the senator kissing her and touching her and Julian's return was too much to deal with. This man had destroyed Alex's life before and now he was working with Amanda. Julian was the only one who had ever managed to break her, to beg for mercy and to make her follow his orders in free will in order to survive. It took him almost a year but he broke her.
" I never wanted to call you a whore." Nikita replied softly trying to calm Alex down. She was really sorry.
" You prefer the name slut?" Alex asked sarcastically with anger in her voice. It wasn't her damn choice. She never wanted to be one. She never wanted to feel the hands of millions of men on her body, she never wanted to get raped, she never wanted to be a whore and hearing her best friend calling her like that was just too painful to handle especially tonight.
" Alex, you aren't a whore. I was just trying to shake you and make you not to take that mission. I don't think that you are a whore." Nikita shouted angrily and walked towards Alex.
" I was a whore, Nikita. Maybe I still am. This is my past Nikita. I never denied it. I was a sex slave. I was selling my body to hungry men, women and gangs." Alex said sadly in a low voice.
" You didn't want to, Alex. It wasn't your choice. You did what you had to do in order to survive." Nikita replied sadly and felt her guilt rising inside her. Nikita felt guilty for handing Alex to the chauffer who sold her and guilty for calling her whore. She needed to make this right before this fight was added to the problems that Alex had with her and widened the gap between them.
" The reason behind my actions don't change the facts. It doesn't matter if they made me do it, I did it. Sasha is part of me. They made her a part of me." Alex said and turned her back to Nikita. She felt ashamed for what they had made her do, she felt broken, she wanted to cry, to scream but she wouldn't give them the pleasure to break her one more time. She would stay strong and face her demons, face Julian and Amanda and anyone else who forced her to do things that she didn't want to.
" I am sorry, Alex. I should have done something better. I should have never handed to the chauffer. I should have kept an eye on you after that. It is my fault." Nikita apologized.
Alex turned her face to look at Nikita. She stayed silent for a minute and studied her features.
" I don't blame you for any of this, Nikita. I never had and I don't plan to do so. You saved my life. You handed me to the chauffer because you thought that it was the right choice to do. I don't blame you. It isn't your fault." Alex said seriously and stared at Nikita, so that she could see that she didn't blame her for any of these.
" Why? Why you don't blame me for this?" Nikita asked surprised.
" There is nothing to blame you for. You saved my life. You didn't force me to take drugs, you didn't force me to sell my body, you didn't break me. You just saved my life. I can't blame you for saving my life. I am and I will always be grateful for what you did for me." Alex explained softly.
" You were just an innocent child." Nikita whispered.
" This is why you took the mission. Because Max is an innocent kid. You just did what I did for you. You saved his life." Nikita added finally realising Alex's motives.
" He is just a kid..." Alex repeated softly and smiled sadly.
" You went too far to protect him, Alex. This mission is killing you from the inside. I know that you try to hide your emotions from me and I don't know why. But I know that distant look in your eyes. It is the look that you have when you are on the edge. You want to break. Break Alex. I am here for you. I am here to hold you." Nikita pleaded and walked towards the window in order to be closer to Alex.
" I didn't go too far to protect him. I did what I had to do. And I am ok. I don't want a nanny and I am not going to break. Not tonight." Alex replied softly.
" Not tonight?" Nikita asked scared.
" I don't want to make false promises. I have broken before." Alex replied calmly.
" Julian?" Nikita asked in a low voice and the name caused Alex to tense up.
" Hey. Relax. He can't hurt you." Nikita said calmly when she sensed Alex's fear.
" I don't want to talk about him, Nikita." Alex replied trying to wipe the fear from her voice.
" Alex, you have to let it go." Nikita pleaded. She was worried for Alex.
" No. I don't have to do anything. This is personal." Alex replied coldly.
" I thought that we used to talk about personal matters. Why is that so special?" Nikita said surprised from the coldness in Alex's voice.
" We used to. Past tense, Nikita. Past tense." Alex mentioned and turned her gaze. They had unsolved issues. Alex couldn't forget what she relived, she needed time to admit it to herself and time to share it with Nikita. It would be something really painfull for both of them but for now she needed time.
" Past tense?" Nikita repeated in disbelief and saw Alex nodding to her.
" This is why you didn't talk to me those weeks? Did I betray your trust again? Is this because I didn't help you with Larissa?" Nikita asked worried.
" It isn't about Larissa and you didn't betray my trust." Alex replied calmly.
" Then, why you don't talk to me about Julian? why you didn't talk to me about anything all those weeks?" Nikita asked a little harser than she wanted to.
" I need time" Alex replied simply.
" Time to do what, Alex?" Nikita asked worrried.
" You will learn that when the time comes. For now, you need to sleep and have some rest" Alex answered seriously.
" Alex" Nikita argued.
" I don't want to fight over this. You will sleep, I will have your back in the meantime. If you don't feel safe with me around, you can take the knife with you." Alex ordered.
" You must be kidding me" Nikita said in disbelief.
" No. I am not. Go and have some rest. Your face on the pillows. Keep your back exposed." Alex said firmly.
" What about you? You are wounded? You have lost a lot of blood. You can't stay up all night." Nikita tried to reason Alex.
" I don't sleep anymore." Alex replied softly hearing the concern in Nikita's voice. Indeed, she hasn't slept for four days. She was afraid to close her eyes. She was afraid to let her guard down. She was afraid of her nightmares. She was afraid..