" You tried to kill yourself because of me?" Nikita whispered in shock and stood up walking away from Alex. She was the reason why her best friend had tried to terminate her life. How she was supposed to react at that?
" Nikita, please" Alex pleaded when Nikita started walking away from her. She stood up too but she didn't dare to walk towards her mentor.
" The only thing that I have caused you in your life is pain." Nikita admitted.
" You know that this statement isn't truth." Alex argued firmly and felt guilty for losing control and confessing to Nikita that she was the reason why she tried to kill herself.
" No, Alex. This is the absolute truth. I killed your father, I handed you to the chauffer who sold you to the black market, I sent you inside Division, I lied to you, I betrayed you, I shot you, I broke your arm, Amanda tortured you because of me, you stopped talking to me for weeks because I have done something to you, damn, you tried to kill yourself because of me. The only thing that I have done to your life is to cause you more and more pain." Nikita shouted and she found herself face to face with Alex.
The younger girl hearing Nikita beating herself up because of what she said, had walked towards her and now she was facing Nikita. She tried to pull Nikita gently into a hug but Nikita resisted. Nikita pushed Alex away but Alex didn't give up. They fought trying to get the upper hand.
" No. Get away from me. I only know how to destroy your life" Nikita cried devastated when Alex pinned her down on the floor and sat on her waist forcing her to stay still.
Alex could feel the hot blood running from her arm but she didn't care. She needed to fix this.
" Nikita. Stop fighting me and let me explain, please" Alex pleaded with watery eyes seeing her friend fighting her so hard.
" Explain what Alex? How I destroyed your life again and again? Even now, I keep hurting you every day, your arm is bleeding because of me. I am toxic!" Nikita yelled.
" I tried to kill myself because I don't deserve you! I tried to kill myself because of me, stupid!" Alex yelled back and Nikita instantly stopped struggling.
" You suddenly came in my life and tried to help me. HELP ME, Nikita. Every single person that I have met in my ife before- even my father- wanted something in return. But not you. You were just there. You didn't ask anything. But you offered me everything. It was the scariest experience in my life. I wasn't so scared even when I was tortured and raped. I hated myself, but you didn't hate me. You were there for me, you were there without terms and you were kind and caring. You respected me like if I was worthy your respect. You talked to me like if we were equals. You acted around me like if I was a human being. I hated myself, I felt like I was nothing. But for you I was something. First I was a mission, then a way to wash your quilty and later your friend. I was something Nikita. I spent years of my life with people who thought of me just like an object, a sex machine that they can use whenever and wherever they want, a robot without feelings, without heart, with only one purpose; fulfil their demands. And suddenly, someone can see me like something else. It didn't matter if I was a way to wash away your guilty. I was something else than a sex machine for you and you respected me like if I was a human being. I didn't know how to react. I didn't want to feel good, I didn't want to be accepted, I didn't want to be loved. I didn't deserve you." Alex explained with a tone full of emotions.
" I tried to kill myself because I DON'T deserve you" Alex added firmly and let go off Nikita.
She stood up and walked towards the farest corner of the room, she sat down, hugged her legs and started shaking uncontrollably. Nikita took a minute to understand what Alex had just said and then she jumped up and she ran to her baby girl, she kneeled down near to her and she tried unsuccessfully to take a hold of her face. She grabbed her hand and she didn't let it go.
" I am the one who doesn't deserve you, Alex. You are the kindest person I have ever met. You are my guider, my light. You were there for me when none else was, you were there to remind me that I can find peace, that I can live again, that I can trust again, that I can love again. I am sorry that I have caused you so much pain in your life, I am so sorry. You deserve everything in this fucking world, you are so worthy Alex. I love you." Nikita said honestly trying to reach Alex's heart with her words.
" I can't even say that I love you, Nikita. I have used that word so many times in order to describe how much I liked to be raped and tortured because they wanted to hear that I liked whatever they to my body, that I don't want to use it anymore. I feel like I will violate my feelings if I use it to describe what I feel for you and the others. How can you love a heartless whore, Nikita?" Alex whispered still crying.
" You aren't a heartless whore, Alex. You are nothing like that. And I love you more than my own life, Alex. You are my everything." Nikita said trying to keep her voice stable.
" Let go off of me, Nikita" Alex ordered when Nikita continued to try to hug Alex.
" No. I am not letting you go, not again. " Nikita yelled frustated and Alex froze.
" What do you mean 'not again'?" Alex asked softly.
" Nothing. I don't mean anything. Let me hug you" Nikita avoided to answer the question.
" No. You are not coming near to me ever again until you explain me what you meant before." Alex said firmly.
" Alex!" Nikita shouted shocked that Alex used such a card against her.
" No. Tell me what you meant." Alex ordered.
" I meant that the last time that I let you go, it was excruciating. I am not going to let you leave me again like when you learnt that I lied to you about your papa. I am not going to let you go ever again, if I can prevent it." Nikita replied sheepishly but scared even thinking of the chance of Alex abandonned her once more.
" Nikita, what do you mean? Why are you so afraid?" Alex asked confused and Nikita sat down defeated.
" When you left me, it was excruciating. When I learnt that you worked for Division, I was so devastated. I couldn't sleep more than one hour a day, I couldn't eat, I was all the time angry and worried, I was reckless during the missions. Michael was so frustated that I didn't care if I die or not. When I shot you, I wanted to die. I just wanted you out of the field and safe and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where I was standing. I was devastated. I have hurt the most precious thing in my life. I have betrayed your trust and I have lost you. I didn't know how to live without you, I didn't know how to act with you in the enemy's side. I remember that when we meet in the ball after I shot you and broke your hand, I caught your gaze for a second and your eyes were full of pain and betrayal, I felt like my heart was ripped away from my body. I wished you had taken the shot and killed me because I thought that I had lost you forever and even if I have Michael, you are always going to be the most precious thing in my life. But you forgave me for everything and you gave me a second chance. And then after Ossetia, you started avoiding me and I felt like I was losing you again. I can't lose you, Alex. I can't." Nikita explained.
" Why you never told me?" Alex asked with shaking voice and watery eyes.
" I didn't want to remind you of that period. I was afraid that you would leave again if I reminded you why you left in first place. Please, don't push me away. I am sorry for whatever I did this time. But please, just talk to me. Don't leave me again." Nikita pleaded.
" Nikita, I never left you for real. I just didn't know how to approach you. I thought that you would never forgive me for shooting you even if I did it to save your life and when you shot me, I thought that you hated me. I wanted to shoot you that night because I missed you so badly that it pained me physically and I wanted to show you how I felt, but I couldn't bring myself to cause you more pain. In my eyes you didn't see pain and betrayal, you saw pain and grief. I thought that you would never forgive me. I am sorry for causing you so much pain, Nikita. I am really sorry. But I never left you for real and I will never do. I am so sorry. And I am not leaving you, Nikita, now. I just need some time. We will talk, I might kick your ass, but I am not leaving you." Alex replied and hugged Nikita.
" You thought that I hated you?" Nikita asked in disbelief few seconds later. Alex laughed loudly and kissed gently Nikita's cheek.
" Nikita, you broke my hand, taken. We were fighting. But you shot me when I was already down and told me to get out of this war before I got killed, no understandable at that point. You shot me, Nikita. And in this war, I was after the black box, so the only persons who could have killed were you and Michael. So... can you really blame me for thinking that you hated me when you shot me when I was already down and then threatened to kill me? It took me awhile to understand your motives." Alex said softly.
" I am sorry." Nikita said sadly and trailed her fingers on the gunshot's scar that Alex had on her thigh where Nikita had shot her.
" It is ok. It took me awhile, a lot of nightmares and thinking but eventually I understood." Alex said and suddered under Nikita's gentle touch.
" How did you understand?" Nikita asked calmly.
" That you didn't hate me? Tonight, you just told me." Alex said honestly.
" You are kidding me, right?" Nikita asked surprised.
" No. Until tonight, I thought that you hated me about that period. This is why I never talked to you about that." Alex replied calmly.
" When did you realise that I still care?" Alex added.
" To be honest, when you risked your life to inform us that my 'dad' was a Division's plant and you saved my ass." Nikita replied softly.
" Please tell me that you had undestood that I didn't want to kill you before today?" Nikita pleaded.
" Yeah. I understood that you didn't want me dead a few days after I informed you about your Division dad." Alex replied and smied hearing the disbelief and worry in Nikita's voice.
" May I ask how?" Nikita asked hesitantly.
" Sean, came to me one day and he asked me about what Division really was and what you really were. He wanted a comment for someone with no personal intrest in protecting Division's name. I told him about Division and then I had to tell him why they wanted you so badly and why I worked with you if you were such a bitch." Alex started softly.
" And how bad did you describe me?" Nikita asked sadly.
" Nikita!" Alex exclaimed annoyed.
" I told him nothing bad. I told him that you were a good person and that you have just pissed Amanda off, that you were on the right side, on the side that he wanted to be, cleaning up the mess. I didn't tell anything bad about you. Anyway, she asked me how I could defend someone who shot me and broke my arm and it just hit me. I remembered your gaze and I realised that you didn't enjoy what you did, it wasn't a payback, it was just the only way that you knew in order to protect me. Just like the very first time that you found me when you knocked me out." Alex said and smiled to Nikita.
" So I must thank Sean for asking you how bad I was.." Nikita replied sarcastically.
" I suppose.." Alex said smiling.
" You are sure that you aren't running away from me again?" Nikita asked worried.
" Absolutely. 100% sure. I just need sometime. Before I come back to Division, we will talk or kick your ass or whatever, but I am not leaving. No matter what, I am not leaving." Alex reassured Nikita firmly.
" Glad to hear that because if you try to leave, I will hunt you down and I will kick your ass." Nikita replied seriously.
" You can always try." Alex said sarcastically and the girls started laughing.
" Now. Come. I need to take care of your wounds" Alex ordered and Nikita stood up.
Alex tried to stand up but she felt dizzy and sat back down. She saw her arm and she realized that she was still bleeding but she hadn't lost enough blood to not be able to stand up. Suddenly, she felt a sharp pain in her ribs and she started breathing more heavily.
" Alex? What's wrong?" Nikita asked worried when she saw Alex arched her body in pain.
" Nikita... I need you to go down and call someone, anyone, I don't care. Keep your hands on sight. Please.." Alex gasped and she started feel more and more dizzy.
Nikita didn't need to hear Alex's plead one more time. She ran out of the room with her hands in front of her in a non threatening position and she went downstairs. When she entered the living room, four different guns were pointed at her head.
" Oh oh" Nikita shouted trying to make them understand that she wasn't a threat.
" Alex need help" Nikita yelled worried to death.