Severus paced his quarters, his chest rising and falling rapidly, sweat beading and falling down his ashen face. His head was bowed and his lank black hair fell in a curtain, blocking everything from sight except the ground directly below his feet. Minerva and Filius had left about a half hour ago, after tending to Hermione a bit more, and leaving her to rest in her room. Severus had to check on her soon, but he wasn't mentally ready for it yet.
He'd almost destroyed her.
He'd almost ripped her throat out and watched her die with pride filling his chest.
Almost was too close. He'd been too close. He'd come back from Dumbledore's visit and shut her out, gone to drink, acted like a fucking teenager trying to drown out his problems. He deserved what he got. He deserved what the Dark Lord and Albus were putting him through, but Hermione certainly didn't. She didn't deserve what he'd done to her. She'd have scars, now, from him, that she'd see every day for the rest of her life. His scars had healed, his face was spotless, but he'd marked her for life. He was sure he must have scarred her mentally as well.
Pain welled up in his chest at the thought. He'd hurt Hermione. He'd damaged her.
Would she ever look at him without fear in her eyes? Would she ever trust him again?
He hoped, desperately, that she wouldn't trust him ever again, that she wouldn't try to befriend him, that she would distance herself from him as much as she could under the circumstances.
A drop of sweat rolled down his hooked nose and he watched it fall to the floor, almost in slow motion.
He knew she wouldn't. She wouldn't block him out. She was too naive, too innocent, too Gryffindor... too Hermione. She would never give up on him, he didn't think. Which was admirable, it was, and it was what he'd always wanted - to have someone on his side, someone to believe in him, and stand by him, even when they weren't sure of his motives, even if they couldn't know the whole story, and he'd finally been on the verge of getting that, of solidifying that type of relationship with Hermione, and then he'd gone and almost killed her.
He wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself for this. It had taken him long enough to forgive himself for what happened to Lily, well, actually, he still hadn't forgiven himself, had he? No, he hadn't, and he knew it wasn't his fault, not completely, but it didn't matter. He had to try to make up for what he'd done, and even that wouldn't be enough. He would die for the Light and it would never be enough. He wasn't even sure that he loved Lily. Now that he'd been friends with Hermione, he'd realized how unhealthy his and Lily's relationship had been. But it didn't matter. His feelings towards Lily, or lack thereof, didn't matter. What mattered was that he'd betrayed a friendship, a trust, and Lily and James had died because of it, and now their only son, a mere teenager, had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
And what did he do? He fucked up again. He almost killed another innocent soul, he'd almost killed one of the only people he actually cared about, and now she was sleeping in a room down the hall with deep puncture wounds in her neck that his teeth had caused, and... he didn't know what to do about it.
He had no idea what he was going to do.
Hermione woke up to the scent of Severus, and she opened her eyes slowly, blinking the sleep from them as she lifted her head and looked in his direction.
He was standing in the doorway, his hands hanging loosely by his side, his brow furrowed, and his skin was so white, so pale, and Hermione could smell that he had just showered, but it didn't do anything to hide the scent of fear that was coming off him in waves.
She flicked her ears back in uncertainty, and she could see Severus's jaw clench, a vein pop on his throat.
"May I come in, Hermione?"
She nodded immediately. He must have thought she was afraid of him, so she forced her ears forward and tried to make her face as welcoming as possible, curling her lips up into what she hoped looked like a smile. She blinked slowly, a sign of comfort, and sighed as he made his way over to her bed. He said nothing until he was directly beside her, standing on the edge of the mattress. Hermione was lying in the middle of the round bed, and she wasn't about to move. She knew all too well what Severus's tendencies were, even though she technically hadn't been friends with him that long, but to her, it was glaringly obvious. He was a mental masochist. He emotionally tortured himself over every mistake he made, and this was no different. He'd gotten drunk, almost killed her, and she was certain he was feeling extremely guilty, and would want to push her away, and would torture himself over the pain he'd caused her until the end of time unless she did something about it. So no, she was staying right where she was, and Severus was going to climb right up on the bed with her and tend to her neck, dammit.
He seemed to realize that he was going to have to climb up on the bed, and his jaw flexed again as he tensed, but he thought about it and she was sure he would have felt guilty for asking her to move, so he placed a hand on the bed and raised an eyebrow in her direction.
"May I?"
She nodded her big lioness head once again, and he climbed gracefully onto the bed, scooting himself over so he was beside her head, his long legs stretched out alongside her.
"Actually, I'm going to go behind you. It'll make it easier." There was an unasked question in his statement, one of asking permission, and Hermione nodded yet again. She was not afraid of him. Severus had made a mistake. He'd gotten wasted, frankly, and Hermione had taken the one thing that allowed him to protect himself, his wand. Of course he'd been afraid and gotten defensive. He was a spy for Merlin's sake, she couldn't blame him in the least for the way he'd reacted. And as for the tiger, well, that had nothing to do with Severus.
She'd come to terms with what had happened in the time she was supposed to be sleeping, and although at first she had been afraid, she had been hurt, by Severus and his actions, she had come around and looked at the situation through his eyes and realized that he'd not really intended to hurt her.
She'd also thought about what the hell must have happened for him to come back to the quarters in such a state, and she was determined to find out.
Once she made a friend, she stuck with them, and Severus was no exception. Well, he was an exception, but only because he was turning out to be the best friend she'd ever had. And she wasn't going to watch him mentally kill himself over something like this. She was fine, really, and he needed to realize that, and accept it, and she was going to do everything she could to make sure he did.
Severus shifted over her, setting himself directly behind her, and he pulled her close to him, cradling her head in one arm and moving his other over her to address the bandages on her neck.
He was so gentle, and Hermione had never felt more safe than she did in his arms.
She wished she could tell him that.
She relaxed completely, sighing loudly to try to display the message that she was entirely at ease, and she glanced up, trying to see his face. She couldn't. His hair was draped down over it.
She blew out through her mouth, watching with a mix of amusement and irritation as the hair blew back and then fell again over his face. He ignored her. She did it again. He glared at her, then caught himself, and fixed his features into impassiveness. He returned to removing the bandages from her neck.
She huffed, then did it again, furrowing her brow at him and snarling in warning when he went to bend back down without fixing his hair.
He removed his hand and looked at her, frowning.
"What?"
Hermione braced one leg out and pushed up, bringing her face towards Severus's. She felt his body stiffen and his breathing quicken and she knew he was about to move away.
She nuzzled the hair behind his ear and flopped back down into his arms.
He was utterly puzzled at what she'd done, and it made her sad. She wanted to see his face. Had no one ever done that to him before? Had people always let him shut himself out, without even trying, without even showing that they didn't want him to? Without even telling him how much their loss of his friendship hurt them, how much he meant to them? More than ever Hermione wished she had her voice, so she could tell him all of this. She desperately hoped it wouldn't be the first time he'd heard words like that, but she had a feeling that it would be. Her heart tightened and she had to close her eyes to keep a tear from falling.
In this moment, she wanted nothing more than to be human again. Even if it meant she couldn't live with Severus anymore. Even if it meant she would have no reason to be around him, that it would be even easier for him to push her away. If she became human right now, Severus would undoubtedly push her away and she wouldn't be able to do much about it, so no, really, she didn't want to be human until she'd convinced him to get over what had happened, and she knew she could do that better through her actions than through her words, because words to him probably meant nothing, they were easy, they were lies, they were manipulative, but how she wanted to be human in this moment so she could tell him what he meant to her.
He worked in silence, and Hermione lie still. He removed her bandages, cleaned the wounds and applied some ointment, leaving her neck unwrapped as he got up off the bed.
"Do you need anything?" He asked, not looking at her directly. She shook her head no. His curtain of hair fell again and he went to the doorway, pressing his hand against the wall, the light going out in the room. There was a torch lit in the hallway, and it cast a warm glow on his face, and she watched as his head dropped and turned slightly and he stood like that for a moment, until he moved to leave and she barely heard him whisper,
"I'm so sorry, Hermione."
And then he was gone.
Hermione thought her heart might just break.
Severus made his way back to his quarters. Normally, something like this would have driven him to drink. He would never touch a drink again. He'd lost that privilege. No, from now on, he was facing every single problem without the help of alcohol. No more numbing the pain, no more temporary relief. He didn't deserve that anymore, and he'd never risk getting inebriated and hurting someone close to him ever again.
So he paced. He paced, and ran his hands through his lank hair, and sweat, and thought about everything he'd done wrong and how he could never fix it and how he'd hurt Hermione and how kind she'd been, how trusting, so welcoming, and it broke his heart, it broke him to be near something so good and pure when he was so evil and corrupt. He couldn't taint her. But he already had, and it killed him.
He wanted to have nothing to do with her ever again, but he'd realized that wasn't what Hermione wanted. It pained him, the thought of leaving her alone, but it pained him even more to be near her. To see what he'd done. To see who he'd hurt. But he deserved it. He fucking deserved it. He deserved much worse.
Sp he'd suffer through it eagerly to make sure Hermione was taken care of correctly until she was human again.
A thump on his door shook him from his thoughts.
What the fuck?
Severus spun on his heels and his wand was in his hand in an instant.
He strode over to the door, wand raised, and swung it open. Something shot between his legs, almost knocking him over, and he jumped, mouth forming a spell, until he recognized the tan pelt and he dropped his wand to the floor with a clatter as if it had shocked him.
He picked his wand up swiftly and pocketed it, then stood, completely unsure of what to do. He watched as Hermione climbed on to the chair beside his bed and turned a circle, plopping down and resting her head on her paws.
Severus recovered, and opened the door wider, motioning for her to get down and return to her room.
"Hermione, I don't know what you think you're doing, but you need to rest. Please, go."
She closed her eyes and sighed in response.
"Hermione." he growled, trying to be stern, although it hurt him.
But she couldn't be in his rooms, for Merlin's sake. Definitely not.
She didn't even flinch.
What was she doing? He couldn't wrap his mind around it.
"Hermione, I'm being serious. You can't be in here with me."
She opened her eyes and shook her head in the negative, her eyes slightly moist, and he felt his heart racing.
"I hurt you Hermione. I could do it again, please leave."
She let out a low whine and shook her head again before lowering it back down onto her paws with an air of finality, continuing to stare at him, as if in challenge.
"Hermione," his voice cracked and he cleared his throat weakly.
She wasn't going to leave. For whatever reason, to torture him, to make him feel worse, who knew, she was staying, and he was going to have to either sleep on the couch (she would follow him though, wouldn't she) or he was going to have to deal with it.
He closed the door and reset his wards, then went to the bathroom and closed the door, bracing his hands on the sides of his sink, fighting to control his emotions.
He turned on the tap and splashed cold water up on his face, scrubbing furiously at his eyes, which were turning red with the tears he refused to let fall.
Why was this affecting him so badly?
He hardly knew the girl, really.
So he'd spent a few weeks with her, and had a nice time, it meant nothing.
Bull fucking shit.
He couldn't lie to himself about that. She may be a student stuck in a lioness body, but he'd had the best time in the past few weeks in her company than he'd had with anyone ever in his life.
Bloody fucking hell.
Why did he have to go and fuck everything up?
Why in the ever-loving fuck did Voldemort and Albus have to fucking control his life?! Between the two of them, his life had been destroyed, ruined, obliterated. They'd both offered him redemption, hope, a place to belong, and he'd been fool enough to believe it. How fucking stupid was he? He hated them, he hated them so much. He could blame himself for many things, but this... This was something he struggled with constantly. He wasn't the only one they manipulated, he wasn't the only one they controlled. He hated it, but he couldn't have known, could he? No, he couldn't have. Even he wasn't that good, that smart, that observant, that pessimistic. He'd never imagined what the Dark Lord and Albus could have done to him, what they could have done to his life, and to those that he cared about. Those very few people he cared about. Well, he'd certainly learned his lesson from that.
And now, in the next room, his latest victim. Maybe he hadn't learned his lesson after all.
The mirror in front of his face shattered.
Severus felt the anger overwhelm him, pure, red, burning anger, and the last thing he did before he lost all coherent thought was cast a silencing charm.
It wouldn't do for Hermione to hear him destroy his entire bathroom.
A/N - I'm feeling much better, thank you to everyone who expressed concern! So... Sorry about this chapter... I know a lot of you absolutely did not want Severus to try to push Hermione away. All I can say is that sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better, and to please trust me because I promise things will change and get better soon! Also, I know this was mostly a chapter of internal thought/reflection (as quite a few of my chapters have been) but the plot will get moving and quite quickly starting a bit in the next chapter and then definitely in the chapter after next. I'm trying not to get too reflective or too deep into the thoughts of Severus/Hermione because then the story doesn't move along, so if you feel like I'm not balancing it enough definitely let me know. Both Hermione and Severus are quite reflective though, in my personal opinion, so I don't want to leave that part out entirely either.
Oh, and thanks for everyone who commented about the whole cauterizing thing! I'm glad that the consensus seems to be that it was a realistic method to close off the wounds! :)
Lastly, I'm not quite sure what constitutes a 'popular' fanfiction, since it depends on the fandom and the ship, etc. and I don't know how many views is considered 'good' or whatever, (nor do I care) but collectively on all the websites I've posted this (here, Wattpad, and archiveofourown) I've got over 56,000 views or so which is CRAZY to me! The fact that there are that many people from all over the world that have actually read this and commented and possibly enjoyed it just blows my mind, wow, it's incredible. Thank you all SOOO MUCH! I'm 17 and my parents don't really think writing is a useful way to spend my time because it 'doesn't pay the bills', so it means so so so much to me that so many people have read this and written supportive comments and wow, I love you all! You're the best!
So yeah, I just wanted to say thank you, and that I appreciate all of you who are reading this so much, and I hope you have a great week! :)