Chapter 23: Pieces (II)
Katniss climbs off the bed while Peeta and Prim are gone. She walks across to Prim's cot, looks at all the reminders of their beautiful baby girl, and feels nothing. It is better to feel nothing, she thinks. Better that Prim doesn't get too attached to her, or her to Prim. There was never going to be a good outcome to her hopes and dreams. Snow had assured her of that. He would always be lurking in the background somewhere waiting to destroy her and her happiness.
Katniss goes down the stairs and sees Peeta heading up the path with Prim. She doesn't want to see anyone right now so she heads out the back door and makes her way to the graveyard. It is beautiful because it is summer, but the beauty doesn't touch her today. She feels empty inside, like every fibre of her being has been drained of purpose, meaning, joy. It's like a black hole is swallowing her up and she can't escape. What is wrong with her?
When Peeta gets back he sees Katniss is no longer in the bed and nowhere to be found in the house. The Apothecary has given him a powder to mix up with water for Prim. He has to feed it to her with a special glass bottle and teat. The fact that Prim was now eating some solids means she doesn't need as much milk, he said, but Peeta would need to feed her this until her stomach is able to take milk from the goat. That would not be for another 6-12 months. Peeta realizes he has to get Katniss back, not just because Prim needs her milk, but because Prim needs her mother. No one else can be a mother to Prim except Katniss.
He feeds Prim with the new formula and she quietens down immediately. She must have been so hungry, he thinks. When she is finished he walks across to Haymitch and asks him if he can mind Prim for a little while and goes in search of Katniss. He thinks he knows where to go and heads for the graveyard. He finds Katniss sitting by Prim's grave.
"Katniss…"
She doesn't look up at him, but turns her face away. His love and concern is like a burning brand to her heart. It is just painful to know how much he cares and how unable she is to respond right now.
"Katniss" he says again as kneels down beside her.
She finally looks up at him and her expression is blank. She wants him to leave her alone. Katniss can't tell him what he wants to hear. She can't give him what he needs. She can't even help herself right now.
"It is going to be OK, Katniss. We have gotten through everything they put us through before. Remember my hijacking? Neither of us thought we would ever get through that, but we did. And we will get through this, too".
Katniss hears him speak, but she doesn't respond. Peeta takes her gently by the hand and brings her to her feet. She allows him to hold her and he eventually coaxes her to come back to the house. Peeta makes Katniss eat something before bringing her back to bed. He kisses her gently and tells her he loves her, then Peeta goes across to Haymitch to pick up baby Prim who has fallen asleep. Haymitch asks about Katniss.
"She won't respond to me or Prim. I don't know what to do" says Peeta, clearly upset.
"Peeta, remember when the Capitol captured you and then hijacked your memories? Do you remember what a dark and lonely place that was? How hopeless it seemed as they ate away at everything that was good in your life, day after day? The way they replaced the good with the bad and created fear in your heart? Well, Katniss is in a type of hijacked state, too. Her bad memories are overwhelming her, and she doesn't know how to escape them right now. The darkness of the past is replacing the goodness of the present. It is replacing you and Prim. She is so afraid of losing everything she holds dear, everything that gives her life meaning and purpose, that she has stopped holding onto it at all. That way she can't be hurt again. Snow can never get to her again if she just lets you go and the darkness overtake her".
Peeta knows that what Haymitch is saying is true. Katniss is letting the darkness in and it is threatening to overwhelm her. Somehow they need Katniss to see the good in her life and use that to fight back against a dead man and his legacy.
"She fought so hard not to let that happen before. She always fought for something. If she stops fighting now, what does that mean for us, for me and Prim?" Peeta says.
"The only thing it can mean. That you need to start fighting for Katniss right now" says Haymitch.
Peeta and Katniss had picked up the pieces of their lives, but Katniss had lost sight of the glue holding those pieces together. That glue was love. Peeta knows it is the only thing greater than the evil they need to overcome, the evil they will always need to overcome. He prepares for battle.