What were we hoping
...to get out of this? Some kind of momentary bliss?
~ Villagers - Nothing arrived
He didn't sleep after the first few weeks of her abscence, to keep the dreams away. He knew that when he let sleep really take over him, he would dream of her. His dreams had always been very vivid, lingering in his brain for days on end. He didn't need to be reminded of her this way. Who knows what his fucked up brain would show him when he slept?
He'd rather remember her the way she was: strong, stubborn, sometimes as angry as he was. The way she would stomp her foot on the ground, hands balled tightly into fists of rage against her hips, full of frustration about his thick-headedness. Her blazing eyes full of fury and concentration when they were focused on an enemy target whilst holding her bow and arrow... such a perfect, beautiful picture, forever engraved in his mind. Wild, almost like a child of the forest like him in certain moments. Fearless, selfless and full of compassion when it came to her friends, and also to strangers they had just met. With her wonderful ability to see the good in everything.
She was so strong, and yet so breakable in other moments, crying over him, for him, because of him. He'd never forget the way her tears smelled, the memory alone took his breath away as his heart cramped for a long, aching moment... he longed to wipe away her tears, to kiss them from her cheeks.
The tender look she always gave him whenever he did something she liked - wether it be helping others or saying something nice or fighting for her and their friends - this look became the manifestation of his moral compass.
He would never forget how her small, soft hands felt on his shoulders, and how they comforted him so many times. Oh, how these delicate hands gripped him thightly but trustingly when he ran with her on his back, jumping higher and higher... he'd give everything just to feel this elation again. Never before in his life had he felt as free as with her on his back, the wind whipping around them.
How he desired to hold her again, to touch her, run his hands through her hair made of silk, to smell her sweet scent again. Oh, he'd do everything for her, if she'd let him. She'd never have to walk again, he'd carry her everywhere. He would bathe her in light and love. She would never hear a grumpy word from him again, he would do everything she'd tell him to do. He'd never let her go again, always and forever he'd hold her in his arms.
If he could have her back, only seeing her beautiful face once more... he wouldn't even need to gather all his courage to tell her he loved her, he wouldn't be able to stop the words tumbling from his mouth, he was sure of it. He'd not just tell her, he'd show her how much he loved her. If she also wanted it. His palms tingled with sensation, she was so present in his mind he could almost feel her - so he took a deep breath before he lost his mind completetly. Farther than this he could not go, it would drive him mad, he was sure of that.
This was not healthy, and he knew it. But he couldn't help but go to the well every three days, he would never forgive himself if she really came back and he wouldn't be there.