Chapter 25: Postponement
It is only 6 weeks now until the wedding. Katniss condition hasn't improved and Peeta knows that they have no choice but to postpone the wedding. He is not sure how long it will take for Katniss to get better, but Peeta decides they will take as much time as they need. She is in no condition to keep planning the wedding, never mind look forward to it. The long reaching shadow of Snow has tainted the occasion again and Peeta wishes that Katniss had killed Snow first, before she aimed her arrow at Alma Coin. The proof he was actually dead might help to convince Katniss she has nothing to fear. Peeta decides to contact Effie.
"Effie" he says.
"Peeta! How are you? How are Katniss and Prim? I have been waiting to hear from her about the next fitting for the dress".
Peeta dives straight in with the bad news.
"Effie, I'm afraid we are going to have to postpone the wedding. Katniss isn't well right now and it's going to take her a little bit longer to get better. We have to put everything on hold".
"Oh, no" says Effie. "What's wrong with Katniss?"
Peeta doesn't want to go into all the details with Effie. He doesn't know who he can trust anymore, especially when it comes to the Capitol crowd. He knows this is unfair on Effie who has always been a champion of her Victors from District 12 but, for Katniss' sake, he wants to keep their situation private.
"She is suffering from some kind of melancholy after Prim's birth, so we are giving her time to recover first".
"Oh, people from the Capitol suffer from melancholy all the time!" says Effie. "Sometimes there's not even a big change in their lives, but they just don't know how to handle things so they become very morose. We have doctors here who can help with that". Peeta wonders how Effie can always manage to sound so cheerful even in the worst of circumstances. She has no idea, but Peeta knows that's not Effie's fault. She has led a very sheltered life in the Capitol.
"At the moment we are trying to treat her here, in District 12, Effie. She really doesn't want to leave, especially with Prim to look after". Peeta hated lying, but it was really a half truth rather than a lie. He could explain it all to Effie when Katniss was better.
"I understand" says Effie. "Is there anything I can do to help? I can give you the names of some of the doctors in the Capitol if you like".
"Thanks, Effie. I will let you know if Katniss changes her mind about that. In the meantime, can you please ask the dressmaker to postpone the fitting? That would be a great help".
Effie agrees and tells Peeta he will love the dress Katniss has chosen. Peeta still hopes he will get to see it on Katniss. He tells Effie he will be in touch soon and, after asking her to keep their conversation private, he puts down the phone. He knows keeping things private will be hard for Effie. She just loves the buzz of Capitol gossip, but he hopes she will respect their privacy.
After hanging up the phone, Peeta realizes he will have to broach the subject with Katniss. He doesn't know how she will take it, or if she will even care. He heads upstairs to their room.
"Katniss". She is lying on the bed, but is awake and turns to look at him. The emptiness is still in her eyes and he starts to tell her was he is thinking.
"I have just spoken to Effie" he says.
There is no response from Katniss.
"She was telling me there are doctors in the Capitol who can help with your melancholy" he says.
Melancholy, Katniss thinks. Is that what this is? She remembers her own mother and her reaction to Katniss' father's death. Katniss is now beginning to understand what that must have been like. But, she doesn't want to be like her mother. Katniss remembers her sense of abandonment at the time and how much that had hurt her and Prim. They almost died because their mother was absent to them. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. She does not want to be like her mother.
"Do you think I am suffering from melancholy?" she asks Peeta.
"No" he says. He knows Katniss has every right to feel the way she is feeling about the past and the evil they have been confronted with again. He is not going to lie to her, or make light of the reality of that evil.
"What is wrong with me?" she asks.
"Katniss, you have been through more than most people go through in a lifetime, in several lifetimes. There is no shame in the way you are feeling. So many things have happened that have been beyond your control. Devastating things. I know. Yet somehow you have always seemed to find the strength to overcome them. Right now, you have lost that strength. No one, especially me, thinks any less of you for that. What you need, though, is the ability to see what is good in your life again".
Katniss feels something stirring deep inside. She pushes it down and won't allow tears to fill her eyes. The only goodness Katniss sees right now is the kind that will release them all from their pain and remove them from the shadow that Snow continues to cast over their life.
"I am no good for you, Peeta. I am no good for Prim. This is going to follow me, us, for the rest of our lives. I want you and Prim to have a good life. The life you deserve. You will never be able to have that with me" Katniss says.
"I already have that with you, Katniss, and I couldn't love you or Prim more. We need you".
Prim. Katniss loves her with all her heart, but doesn't want Prim to suffer because of her. That's not what a mother would do.
Peeta sees that Katniss is listening, but she is still too far away for him to reach her right now. Maybe this conversation is a start on the road to bringing her back. She knows he doesn't blame her and he is reminding her of the reason he and Prim need her to live. Because they love her and their lives would not be the same without her.
He continues:
"I asked Effie if she could contact the dressmaker to postpone the fitting for your dress" he says.
"My dress?" says Katniss, seeming a bit bewildered.
"Yes, your wedding dress" he replies.
Oh my God, thinks Katniss. The wedding! She hadn't thought about it in days and didn't want to think about it now. Peeta waits for her to respond.
"Katniss" he says.
She has turned away and doesn't answer him.
"It's OK, Katniss. We need you to get better first so that we can all look forward to the wedding" says Peeta.
Katniss desperately wants to tell him that's what she wants as well. The words refuse to pass her lips. Peeta kisses her. He tells her he is going to feed Prim and will be back soon. He misses her, even though she will hardly acknowledge him, and he won't leave her alone for too long.
Thankfully, Annie is due up in the next couple of days. He really hopes that seeing Annie will make a difference to Katniss. In the meantime he needs to catch up with Gale to find out about his trip to the Capitol. Maybe he has gleaned some information that will help with Katniss' recovery.