Fractured
Chapter 2 of 3
"She's okay, Fin. She's sleeping at the moment but she's okay. I..." she sighed and rubbed a hand across her face, tired and resigned. "I don't feel comfortable leaving her like this. Could you cover for the day?"
"What do you mean 'like this'. What's going on, Liv? Is Amanda okay?"
She could hear the worry etched in Fin's voice, obviously concerned for his partner's welfare as it was not like Rollins to be out sick or absent from work. "She's... she's okay. I... I don't want to go into detail. I think the Patton trial was a bit too much for her and it's hitting her hard just now." she explained, pacing back and forth inside Amanda's livingroom/kitchen area, her own stomach in knots for what her colleague and younger detective had gone through back in Atlanta and how everything had resurfaced again with Reese and then the trial. She remembered Amanda saying once that 'every pot has a lid' and clearly the lid that covered her own pot was now being blown off due to the pressure that had been brewing for quite some time.
"You're making me worried, Liv. Do I need to come over there?"
"No!" she almost yelled into her phone, knowing that it would be too much for Amanda if her partner, who were very close to her, showed up and magnified everything. "I don't think she would appreciate two of us hanging over her, asking her questions. She needs to process this in her own time. You know what she's like." she sighed and leaned up against the kitchen counter. "Please, just cover for me today, Fin."
"No worries, just make sure she's fine and that we're thinking of her. I'll just tell Carisi that she's not feeling well and that you had a personal thing to sort out. We'll be fine, Lieu. Take care of her."
He sounded sad and Liv smiled faintly onto the phone, glad that Amanda actually had people caring for her, especially when her own family was out of the picture. "I will, Fin. Call me if you need me for anything. Hopefully I can be of help over the phone."
They ended the phone call. Fin reluctant to hang up as he was worried about his partner but knew that Liv was probably the perfect person to have around if Amanda was overwhelmed from the trial and everything that had happened lately.
Olivia quietly tip-toed towards Amanda's bedroom. The door had been left slightly ajar and she leaned her tall body against the frame of it, looking at the sleeping form underneath the covers, watching how the blonde's facial expressions seemed to be pained and distressed even in her sleeping state. It tugged at Olivia's heartstrings as she studied the sleeping woman, sadness, sympathy and empathy clouded her eyes and she felt guilty for having been so snappy and abrupt when she had spoken to Fin about Amanda earlier that morning, being annoyed and slightly angry at Amanda for not showing up for work on time, or at all for that matter.
She didn't know that her younger detective had been suffering so but, then again, nobody did since she was so good at hiding her feelings and was a professional when it came to convincing other people that she was fine and in no need of anyone's help. She was the most stubborn and independent person Olivia had ever met and getting through Amanda's protective walls and armour of steel would be difficult, if possible at all.
The blonde began to stir underneath the blankets, head turning from side to side as soft and painful moans slipped through her slightly parted lips. It was agonizing to watch Amanda in such distress, clearly not able to get a break even in her sleep and that worried Liv. The fact that she had only been asleep for thirty minutes was also alarming, knowing that she needed way more sleep than that to fully function and, by the looks of it, Amanda hadn't gotten much shut eye at all lately, judging by the circles under her eyes, her pale skin and the lack of energy.
Another moan brough Liv back to the present and she slowly approached the bed, keeping her voice low and velvety. "Amanda? Amanda, honey, wake up. It's just a bad dream." without a second thought, she reached out and placed a caring hand on the upset woman's shoulder but, as soon as she came in contact, Amanda's eyes flew open, her arms were brought up to protect her face from invisible oncoming blows and her mouth was open in a silent scream of terror and fear.
Liv quickly withdrew her hand and held them both up in the air in front of her, showing the distraught blonde that she ment no harm. "Easy, I'm not gonna hurt you. You were just having a bad dream, Amanda, you're okay."
Amanda's defensive demeanor hesitantly ebbed as she realized that it had only been Liv's hand touching her and no one else's. "Wha... what are you still doing here, Lieutenant? I assumed you would leave as soon as I fell asleep. What's going on?"
As the brunette took a step closer she could make out a few beads of sweat glistening on Amanda's forehead and upper lip, obviously created by the disturbing and terrifying dream. "What's going on?" Liv repeated. "Honey, I found you, drunk off your ass, worried why you didn't come into work this morning, your left foot is torn into shreds from stepping on glass and you just suffered, what appeared to be, a very upsetting nightmare and you're asking me what's going on?"
Rolling her eyes, Amanda pushed herself up against the headboard, winching slightly from the burning sensation in her injured foot and a headache from hell that was steadily growing beneath her temples. "I wasn't that drunk and my foot would've been fine if you hadn't shown up." she snapped, tossing the covers to the side, attempting to get up.
"Whoa! You can't walk on that foot." Liv quickly stated while stopping her dead in her tracks from doing more damage to the injured part of her limb. "I'll help you wherever you need to go but you're not walking on your foot, understood?" she didn't mean to sound so firm and angry but she was getting somewhat frustrated by Amanda's sudden change in behaviour. Forty minutes ago, before she carried her in to the bedroom, the blonde had allowed herself to be held and comforted by the older woman, she had even opened up a small bit, but now all her armor was back up again and her defenses heightened.
Anger boiled inside Amanda's chest, ready to rip Olivia apart for speaking to her like she was a child and completely incapable of making her own decisions but she knew she was treading on thin ice already and held her tongue from speaking her mind. Instead, she swallowed her pride and anger and let Olivia help her to her feet and, by supporting some of Amanda's weight onto her, the blonde hopped on one leg into the bathroom. "Thanks." she muttered. "Do you wanna hold my hand when I take a piss too?"
Sighing, Liv rubbed her forehead in a tired fashion, feeling her energy level drop. "I think you're quite able to take care of your business without me but, please, do not walk out of here without my help."
"Fine." Amanda replied, annoyed, tired, embarrassed and angry at the same time. All she wanted was to be left alone and drink herself into oblivion but Liv had managed to ruin that for her too by pouring all her liquor down the drain.
After her toilet visit, Liv helped her back to the bed but Amanda had other ideas. "Just help me to the couch. I'll be fine there."
"You only slept for thirty minutes, Amanda. A half hour of sleep is not going to cure everything. You need to sleep off this alcohol induced state that you're in so we can talk about things because I'm not leaving until we do."
Olivia could see Amanda's eyes darken in colour and how her fists clenched until her knuckles turned white and her hands shaking. "I don't need to sleep, I'm fine. I was tired but I'm not anymore, simple as that." she argued. "And I'm not drunk. I'm totally capable of holding a proper and decent conversation so stop treating me like I'm not."
Liv held her hands up in the air and cocked her head to the side while drawing her lips into a thin line of frustration. "Fine. I'll help you out to the couch, make us some tea and then we're gonna talk because this is getting out of hand."
"Well, no one is forcing you to be here." Amanda snapped as she hopped on her left foot while Liv supported her from the right. When they reached the couch, Liv gracefully lowered her onto the plush cushions and gently placed her right foot on the coffee table.
"Yeah, well, I'm your boss and you're my detective, a very good one at that, and believe it or not but I do care for you and I care about what happens to you. What you're going through and what you're putting yourself through, by blaiming yourself, is toxic and it needs to stop." the tea was suddenly forgotten as Olivia sat down next to her, leaving a good few inches between them, not wanting to get too close in case it would make the other woman uncomfortable or cause her to run away.
Amanda kept her gace lowered and focused on the worn material of a pillow that she had grabbed and was now holding in her lap, fiddling with loose threads. "You're not my boss. I told you, I quit."
"Oh, so you're taking the easy way out?" Olivia spat, forcing herself to look at Amanda's hurt and angry expression, regretting her words instantly but knowing there was nothing she could do to take it back.
"Easy?!" the angered replied sounded like venom spitting from the younger woman's mouth. "You think this is easy? You have no idea what I've been dealing with for the past several years and you have the nerve to tell me I'm taking the easy way out? Well, fuck you, Lieutenant."
"Then tell me! Tell me what you've been dealing with, Amanda." Liv said in a raised tone, needing to get her point across and for her to listen. "Why don't you tell me about it instead of keeping it all inside? I know that the past couple of weeks have been especially difficult for you but if you keep this up, if you keep shutting everybody out and refuse to talk about it, things are not going to get better, and I know that for a fact." she took a deep shuddering breath, calming herself before continuing in a more soft and gentle tone.
"I'm here to listen, Amanda. I'm here as a friend, not your Lieutenant or your boss, just as a friend. You can't quit, honey. The team needs you, I need you and there are many people out there who needs you. Please, don't let a despicable man like Patton take control over you. The stubborn and bad ass detective that I know wouldn't let him win. She would fight with everything she has and rise above it, show Patton that you're stronger than him and make him feel as if he's the smallest man on earth." she paused briefly, studying the facial expressions of the blonde next to her, trying to determine if anything she had said had affected her in any way. "Please, if you don't feel comfortable taking to me then I know Fin or Carisi would listen or perhaps a therapist but whatever your feeling and holding onto inside, it had to come out."
Amanda wasn't sure what to say. She was still mad at her boss for insinuating that she was taking the easy way out by quitting her job and by deciding not to talk about her time in Atlanta, but there was also a part of her that was glad and relieved that they were currently in this situation where she actually had the opportunity to speak up and unload her fears and trauma to someone who would, without a doubt, understand. In fact, Olivia was probably the perfect person to confide in, especially when it came to delicate and sensitive topics like her own, but the mere thought of opening up scared her half to death.
"I don't need a therapist." she mumbled, her eyes and fingers still fixed on the loose threads on the cushion that she was still holding. "It's... it's not... it's not you." she informed hesitantly. "Talking is just not my thing."
Olivia chuckled lightly at that statement. "No kidding?"
The blonde snorted in return, amused by Liv's accurate comment and threw her boss a quick glance. "You're really gonna make me talk about this, aren't you?" she questioned, feeling her energy level drop significantly at the thought of bringing her past back up to the surface but, then again, it had already been resurfaced by Patton and what he had done to detective Reese Taymore. She would never be free from that man. He would always be lurking inside the darkest corner of her mind, rearing his ugly head from time to time.
"I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I can't force you, honey and, this might sound cliche but, talking about it does help and I know that you know that and I also understand that it's completely different when it comes to yourself. It's too close to home and you rather push it aside to never bring it back up again and it might work, for a while, until it catches up to you and throws everything off balance. You're strong, Amanda. You can do this." Olivia gently placed a hand over the blonde's fidgety fingers, to stop them from tearing up the whole cushion, and tenderly stroked her thumb over pale and soft skin.
The flashbacks came in short waves, throwing her back and forth between past and present. One second she was on her back, naked, cold and hurting, begging for mercy and for the pain to stop and the next, she was back on her own couch, safe and sound with Olivia next to her, even holding her hand. How had things become so out of hand that she could no longer keep her mind, her brain and thoughts, in the present without going back to the most traumatic time of her life? How on earth did she get here?
"I... I'm not... I don't know..." her voice broke and the ability to form a coherent sentense suddenly seemed impossible.
"Ease, take your time, sweetheart." Liv reassured as she became aware of her struggles. "Start at the beginning. Tell me about the first time it happened."
Amanda's eyes darted to meet Olivia's, in a surprised but also a shocked manner. She hadn't told anyone about the assaults, except for Barba but knew he would never betray her trust like that, he had promised, so how did Olivia know? When Amanda had asked to testify in court against Patton, Olivia had obviously put two and two together and figured out that something must've happened between Amanda and her former boss, but it was how Olivia had formed the question that surprised her. How did she know that there had been more than one time? How did she know that it had occurred on more than one occasion? Was she that transparent? Did her face reveal everything she didn't want anyone to know? Everything she had fought so hard for to keep buried and hidden away for everyone, including herself. Had she failed herself so miserably? It didn't matter now. Olivia knew. She just knew.
"I... I had been a detective for about two years before I was placed under Patton's command." she began, eyes fluttering as she tried to blink the memories away. "The first couple of months were great. We worked well together, cracked a lot of cases and brought justice to many victims but after some time... he changed."
"Changed how?" the softness of Olivia's voice was like a gentle whisper that whisked through the air and landed like a soft blanket over the younger woman's small frame.
Amanda could feel her eyes sting from unshed tears but she promised herself, there and then, not to cry and quickly swallowed her emotions in a desperate attempt to get rid of the powerful need to let the salty drops fall. "Um, he began to... to touch me whenever we were alone. Every chance he got he would grope me, caress me or grab at me. He made sure no one was around to see it just to gain more control and power over me. He was well respected, high ranked and had a great and honourable reputation that would put anyone to shame. There was no way anyone was going to believe me if I had disclosed and he made sure to keep it that way."
The hand that Olivia was holding had now began to tremble so she offered it a gentle reassuring squeeze. "Go on, honey, I'm listening."
Amanda blinked at the tears and cursed herself as one single droplet trickled down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away, hoping that Liv hadn't noticed. "I felt like I had no choice other than to grin and bare it. Going to work was no longer something I enjoyed or looked forward to but instead I began to dread it, dislike it until I eventually hated it." she shifted in her seat, hissing slightly as a sharp pain shot through her foot and she bit down on her lower lip, trying to hide it.
"One friday night we were both working late on a case, there was no one else around and he asked me to step into his office." she snorted, chuckling at the irony of it all. "I mean, how stupid am I, right? A red flag was waving right in front of my face and I totally ignored it. Who does that? I'm a detective, I should've known better but instead I went in there, hoping, wishing I was wrong but..." she couldn't finish her sentense, she knew that the past was in the past and it couldn't physically hurt her anymore but she couldn't stop her thoughts and mind from going back to that terrible and painful time. The first time it had happened.
"He raped you, didn't he?" Liv whispered softly, filling in the blanks, trying to make it a bit easier on the emotional blonde who had now started to tremble at the memory.
She swallowed her tears, drew her lips into a thin line and tried to smile. "I walked into it. I..."
"Amanda, honey, stop it. We both know that that's not true so stop blaming yourself. He used you, he took advantage of you and none of that was your fault." Olivia had scooted a bit closer to the other woman so their thighs were gently touching and she placed a hand on a toned and tense leg, offering support.
Amanda's sad smile still lingered on her lips as she turned her gace towards the older woman. "You don't understand." she said softly, her bottom lip quivering from pent up emotions.
"Then make me understand, sweetheart. You can tell me anything and I won't think any different of you. I promise you that."
There was a brief pause between the two before Amanda spoke again, confessing her deepest and shameful secret. "There were four more times after that, and they were all initiated by me."