Fractured
Part 3 Of 3
"What do you mean when you say that you initiated it?"
Olivia knew for a fact that trauma like this doesn't stay with you unless you were forced into something that you didn't want and she didn't believe for one second that Amanda would willingly participate in something so ugly and volatile. The self blame that victims often experienced after an assault was unfortunately very common, and sadly Amanda seemed to be in that category.
"Exactly what I said. I initiated it, all four times. I... I asked for it, I deserved it, I..."
"Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. No one deserves to be raped, honey, you know that, and I don't believe for a second that you asked for it. There's something you're not telling me." seeing Amanda's shoulder tense up and tremble broke her heart in thousand little pieces and she couldn't resist the urge to stroke the blonde hair away from her colleague's painfilled face to establish some kind of visual contact. "Tell me." she whispered and very gently rubbed a hand up and down Amanda's stiff back, feeling how hard and tense the muscles were underneath her touch.
Olivia was right, there was more to the story but that didn't change the fact that she was to blame for those four other times it had happened. The shame swept over her like a tidal wave and the mere thought of looking her Lieutenant in the eye made her feel sick to her stomach. "Kim, my sister, got into trouble with the law, you've met her, you know what she's like, and Patton said he could make the charges go away if um,... if I... if I did something for him... so I did, and the charges were dropped the next day. It kind of became a regular thing cause, let's face it, Kim is not exactly known for being a good girl. I did what I had to do, simple as that."
Olivia closed her eyes and felt her own tears burn in sympathy for her young detective. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through that but, no matter how much you blame and hate yourself for it, it wasn't your fault. He used you for his own sick pleasures, he used his position, his rank and hid behind his glorified reputation so he could do all these things. None of this is on you."
"Isn't it?" Amanda suddenly spat, her blue eyes shining from unshed tears, anger and sadness. "I knew! I knew what would happen if I walked inside that office and I still did it. What kind of a person does that? What does that make me, Olivia? Some deranged, twisted and fucked up human being who does her best to ignore all the red flags that are practically shoved into her fucking face!? Fuck, I'm so stupid!" she laughed while rubbing her palms over her tired and drained features, crying at the same time. "I'm as fucked up as they come." she chuckled as she kept her gace lowered, focusing on a miniscule crack on the wooden floor, her body visibly trembling from holding her anger and despair at bay.
Swiftly removing herself from the couch, Olivia hunkered down in front of her, gently grasping her shaking hands and held them carefully in her own, looking straight into wet blue eyes. "Amanda, honey, this has to stop. Blaiming yourself is not going to make things any better, besides, the blame is not yours to bear-, it's his and his alone. You did what you felt was necessary to save your sister and for that I can not fault you or think any less of you. What he did was wrong and I wish things could've been different for you back then, I really do. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. So so sorry."
The overwhelming ray of emotions were too much and Amanda wished she had a bottle of Burbon or anything strong to wash her sorrows away but, since Liv had thrown everything alcoholic down the sink, she had no choice but to do without, with nothing to numb her senses. "It is what it is." Amanda shrugged and bit her lower lip to keep it from quivering, feeling pathetic and weak for not being able to have better control of her emotions.
"No, Amanda." came the soft reply and Liv tenderly brushed her knuckles over a soft cheek. "It was what it was. You need to let go of the pain, guilt and blame or it's gonna completely consume you. It has already started, honey, don't let it overpower you, don't let it win, you can fight this."
The blonde's left leg had began to shake, bouncing up and down in an almost vibrating fashion, a nervous and anxious habit that she never seemed to be able to get rid of ever since she was a child. The habit was getting the better of her. "I... I don't know how." she confessed, her throat audibly clogged with emotion and her air passages suddenly seemed to tighten significantly, her chest also feeling constricted and heavy.
"You're already doing it, honey. You're talking to me, confiding in me. You've just told me the most painful and horrible time in your life and I know how hard that was for you. I know you don't trust people easily and sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's bad and, right now, it's bad." Liv smiled as she tightened the hold of Amanda's hand and placed her other on the still shaking knee, gently pressing down to stop it from bouncing up and down. "You can trust me, Amanda. Everything you've told me, and everything you might tell me, will stay between the two of us. It will never leave this room, honey. You've got my word." Liv stated, her voice full of promise, strength and hope, something Amanda never really had before but something that she desperately needed now.
Olivia could tell by the look of Amanda's body language that she was so close to breaking point. The blonde was like a bubbling volcano, getting ready to erupt and all that was needed was one final push to tip her over the edge but she was refusing to let that happen, holding onto the last bit of dignity and self respect that it nearly caused Liv herself to break down in tears over her friend's deep and raw agony. "Let it go, Amanda. Let yourself go for once in your life. You can't keep doing this to yourself, honey."
"I can't."
"Yes, you can. I'm right here and I won't leave your side, I promise." Liv whispered soothingly and rubbed her hand gently up and down Amanda's still slightly bouncing leg. She spotted a blanket hanging over the arm rest of the couch and lovingly, almost motherly, placed it over her shoulders and then brought the woman closer to her. Very slowly, she pulled the trembling body towards her, guiding Amanda's head onto her own shoulder, cradling her like she was the most precious thing on earth. "You can let go now, sweetheart. Just let go."
"I don't want to. I'm scared." Amanda confessed, her throat raspy and choked up, her nose stuffy and her chest ever so tight.
"What are you so scared of, hmm?" Liv cooed into her ear, kissing her temple softly. "Tell me, sweetie."
Amanda took a shuddering breath and swallowed thickly, hating herself for showing such vulnerability and weakness. "I... I'm afraid I won't be able to stop."
Frowning, Liv tightened her hold on the small rigid frame and shifted slightly where she was still hunkered down on the floor. "Stop what, honey? Crying?" Amanda simply nodded, not able to gather enough courage to verbally admit it herself. "Oh, sweetheart! Don't worry about that. Your body will stop when it's good and ready. Let youself feel, let yourself go."
The gentle and loving encouragement from her Lieutenant caused her tears to finally spill, wetting the older woman's silky blouse but neither seemed to care. Shaking, almost violently, Amanda took a strangled breath and a deep guttural moan escaped her constricted throat, the sound bouncing from wall to wall and left a permanent echo inside Olivia's heart.
"I can't, I can't!" she cried, doing her best to try and contain her sobs but failing quite miserably.
"But you're doing it, honey. You're doing it." Liv found herself smiling sadly as the blonde finally seemed to let herself break down, shattering into tiny little pieces of anguish and despair and all Olivia could do was to try and hold her together and pick up the shards that she could manage in the midst of the storm.
Shaking so hard against Olivia's supportive body, Amanda shamelessly crumbled. Her wails and roars so agonizingly painful that the brunette could no longer hold back her own stream of tears and began to cry with her friend, rocking them both from side to side while whispering comforting and loving words into her ear, peppering intermittent kisses on the top of her head.
"You're doing great, honey. It's okay, shhh, you're okay." there were no words that could make this ordeal any easier on Amanda, no words to sooth and spare her from the powerful inevitable sobs and pain that she was currently experiencing and it was extremely difficult for the older woman to witness.
Olivia's legs were starting to ache in the uncomfortable position she was in and, ever so softly, she shifted and began to stand, needing to stretch her limbs or at least change position. Amanda instantly began to panic and clawed at her boss' top in a desperate attempt to make her stay. "Please, please, don't go! I... I can't bear it if you left me now. Please!"
"Hey, sweetheart, I'm not leaving you. In my old age I can't sit for too long in the same position, makes my legs fall asleep." she smiled and stated softly, smoothing her hand over blonde tresses. "I won't let go of you, I promise."
Those words seemed to ease Amanda a bit as she calmed down enough to allow Liv to temporarily break the comforting hold that she so willingly offered. "I'm sorry." Amanda cried, feeling the need to apologize for her uncharacteristic behaviour and sudden break down.
Olivia was now seated next to her, still there, just as she had promised. "You have nothing to apologize for. Now, come here." she held her arms out, waiting for Amanda to accept the open gesture and, when she did, Olivia pulled her close to her chest once again. "It's okay to cry, to scream, to break. The most important thing is that you come out stronger at the other end."
Liv had engulfed her in a secure embrace, determined to keep the blonde safe and cared for during this difficult time and that she was willing to provide Amanda with whatever the blonde might need. "I'm so sorry that you've had such a rough time with the trial, Patton and Reese. I should've been there for you, I should've asked how you were doing and if you needed someone to talk to but instead I brushed it all aside, thinking that you were okay. You always come across so strong and independent and I just assumed you were doing alright considering everything that was going on. I guess I turned a blind eye to it and carried on as usual and I'm so sorry for that."
Amanda could tell that Olivia's words came straight from her heart and that she really and truly ment them. "But I wanted everyone to think that I was okay. I didn't want anyone to know." she cried pitifully into her Lieutenant's chest, feeling Olivia's long and gentle fingers comb through her hair, soothing her.
"I know, honey, but sometimes it's better to ask for help than to stay silent and keeping it all in. You have to learn how to let people help you because no one can, or should, go through life alone and not having anyone to carry your burdens and troubles. It's not healthy." she whispered, her left arm holding the shuddering frame tightly against her front while her right dried the tears as they fell. "How do you feel now, now that I know what went down back in Atlanta?"
It was a question that needed some time before it could be answered. She didn't know how or what she felt. She was just so tired and sick of it and all she wanted to do was to curl up into a little ball, pull a blanket over her head and sleep for days. "I don't know." came the faint reply and Olivia had to tilt her head down to hear her properly.
"That's okay." she reassured. "It's still very raw and fresh for you and since you never told anyone what happened to you, it probably feels even more scary and painful to bring it all back up again, hmm? It will take some time but I promise you that you will feel better after, like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders."
"I'm just so tired." Amanda mumbled into the older woman's chest, sniffling and whimpering involuntary, the control of her own body and senses seemed to have faded and she was left with a numb, exhausted mess of flesh and bone.
"I know, sweetheart, I know." she picked up the rocking motion again, swaying the young distraught detective in her arms like she was soothing a crying child. "Do you want to go and lie down in your bed? You'll be more comfortable there, honey."
The drained, pale and drawn features of Amanda could not be mistaken for anything else but exhaustion. She could see from her point of view how blue eyes fluttered, closing for a few seconds only to open them again, fighting to stay awake. "Don't want to be alone." she mumbled, a bit embarrassed for admitting such a thing, especially to her Lieutenant, her boss.
"Well, isn't it great that I'm here then?" Liv stated warmly and rubbed her hand up and down the blonde's defined back. "Come on, I'll help you get into bed."
Having temporarily forgotten about her injured foot, she attempted to stand but Olivia was quick and gently pushed her back down. "You can't walk on that foot, sweetie."
Frowning, Amanda looked around her as if she was searching for something. "How am I suppose to..." she didn't get a chance to finish her sentense before Liv gracefully swept her up into her arms, cradling her in a secure embrace. "Whoa!" she yelped as she was hoisted into the air, surprised by the sudden and unexpected course of action but, before she could say anything about it, she was sushed by Olivia.
"Shhh, it's okay. I might be old but my muscles are still in pretty good shape." she gently reassures.
Two slender arms were wrapped around Olivia's neck, the blonde's head resting on her shoulder, lulling from side to side as she walks into the bedroom and carefully lowers her down onto the mattress and covered her with thick blankets to keep the cold out. As the brunette pulls her hands away she feels a firm grip around one of her wrists and she stops to look down into two sleepy blue eyes.
"Please, stay." Amanda whispered faintly, already on the brink of sleep.
Liv could hear the need for comfort in her voice and also a hint of sadness. How could she possibly ignore or say no to her friend, who so obviously craved and needed her support and proximity in her vulnerable and weakened state. After brushing her knuckles up and down a pale cheek a couple of times, she lifted the covers and gracefully laid down beside the younger woman, feeling the warmth of her body against her own.
Laying on her side, facing Amanda, she ran her fingers through blonde hair, amazed at how soft it felt against her skin. The blue eyes were drooping but each time she reached the state of falling asleep, she would open then again, as if to check if her friend and Lieutenant was still indeed there.
"It's okay, sweetheart, I'm still here." she whispered and continued the soothing motion with her hand. "Would you like me to hold you?"
Too ashamed to admit it out loud, fearing that her voice would fail her, she nodded faintly and scooted closer as Olivia held her arms out, ready to provide the comfort and closeness that Amanda needed. "Come here, honey, you're okay. Just close your eyes and rest. I'll be here when you wake up." she promised, kissing a blonde temple close to her lips.
Amanda immediately relaxed inside Liv's loving embrace, her head resting on the brunette's shoulder, her left arm wrapped around Olivia's middle as her body snuggled up as close to her boss as possible, needing the warmth and security that the Lieutenant always seemed to possess.
Just as the older woman was about to fall asleep herself, Amanda's soft voice brought her out of her drowsy state.
"Liv?"
"Hmm?"
There was a brief silence before Amanda spoke again, her sleepy and muffled voice filled the quiet room. "You're not old."
The End