" So, I must guess that now is my turn again" Alex added when Amanda remained silent.
" What do you think of yourself, Amanda? You think that you are God, that you know what is best for everyone? You think that everyone owes to you? Nikita owes to you, I owe to you? You think that you are a better bitch than we are? that you had a harder past than we did?" Alex said with hate.
" Don't fool yourself, Amanda. You are just a better COWARD than we are!" Alex added and Amanda's fist closed in anger.
" You don't know anything about me" Amanda said with gritted teeth.
" I think that I know enough. You have never dealt with your problems. You have never faced Helen." Alex retorted.
" Keep Helen out of this" Amanda ordered firmly.
" Just like you kept Alexandra and Sasha out? We are talking about masks. For once, be honest with yourself, accept yourself. Helen is a part of you, deal with it" Alex retorted angrily. She was done playing nicely. If Amanda wanted to talk without holding back then this is what she would get. Alex's emotions were barely under her control and she had to finish that crazy conversation before it gets too ugly for both of them.
" What do you want me to say, Alex?" Amanda asked harsh.
" I don't want you to say anything to me, I want you to be honest with yourself." Alex replied softer.
" Helen was weak." Amanda commented simply.
" Helen is you, Amanda. And she wasn't weak, she was just a child who had suffered." Alex corrected Amanda calmly.
" Helen has died Alex." Amanda said coldly.
" Has she? I think that she is still inside you. You never dealt with her, you never dealt with what he did to you, you never dealt with your emotions. You have just put a mask on and tried to take control of your life. You were tortured every single day of your life by your own father just because you were unlucky to be born second. He was doing experiments on you trying to complete his research and erase memories and you killed him for that. And now look where your choices have gotten you. You enjoy messing up with people's brains, you enjoy sensing their pain. Helen wasn't weak, she was just a scared kid who didn't know how to react to the cruelty. You weren't weak, Amanda. You were just a kid." Alex replied softly.
" But now you are weak. You are weak because you have never found the courage to deal with your past. You have just decided to turn into what you used to despise because it felt good and easy. It is good to be in control when you spent your childhood under the control of your father, it is good to be the cause of the pain when you used to be the victim, it is good to sheek for power when you used to suffer from that. It is easy to become your father when this the only thing that you have known in your life, it is easy to be cruel and merciless because you won't risk to get hurt. It is easy and it feels nice but the problem isn't solved. Behind the mask of the deadly calminess, there is a broken woman. You took a messed up girl and you created a broken woman, Amanda." Alex added and paused.
Amanda's figure was at least scaring. Her teeth were gritted, her face pale and her eyes full of hate, she was ready to explode. It was hard to hear the truth from someone that you hate so much.
" You are playing with fire. You will regret it." Amanda warned with a deadly tone.
" I am sure that I will but for now, let's talk about Amanda." Alex replied calmly.
" Don't go there" Amanda pleaded and a small crack was obvious in her voice. Pain? There was pain in her voice.
" You have to deal with her, Amanda. I am sorry...You think that she betrayed you, but in the reality you betrayed her. You killed the only person who cared about you, your sister and you stole her identity. You betrayed her." Alex ignored Amanda's plea and continued.
" She didn't care about me, Alex. She had her wonderful life. She let our father torture me for years and she didn't do anything, she was just standing by and watch" Amanda retorted.
" And you think that it was easy for her? That she enjoyed seeing her little sister suffer like that? She was just a kid. Amanda was just a troubled kid and you killed her when she came to rescue you, you killed her when she found the courage to step up and fight for you." Alex shouted angrily.
" After so many years of false hopes and promises? She just wanted to wash her guilt. She didn't come for me. She did it for herself" Amanda yelled frustated. She had lost a long time ago the battle with her emotions.
" And where is the problem with that? It doesn't matter if she did for herself or for you, the facts are facts. She came for you, Helen, she came for you. She stepped up for you, she fought with your father for you, she helped you escape and in return you murdered her in cold blood and why? Because she didn't come earlier. But she came!" Alex said softly with pain in her voice. She could see where Amanda was coming from, she had similar life with her, she was tortured all her life just like Amanda, but she had chosen a completely different path from her.
" She got what she deserved" Amanda commented coldly as ice, emotionless.
" Your whole life you blame the others for your actions. You are the saint and the others betray you all the time. Take a break, Amanda, and think about what is your role in all those situations. A relationship has two parts and both parts have responsibilities towards it." Alex replied calmly.
" Are you blaming for something?" Amanda asked curiously.
" Blaming you? Of course not. I am just trying to explain to you that you can't blame only the others when something goes terrible wrong in a relationship." Alex replied.
" Just because you decided to spare Nikita's life that doesn't mean that I should have spared Amanda's" Amanda mentioned.
" When did I become Helen? And Nikita Amanda?" Alex asked confused.
" Don't answer that. I don't want to learn your twisted thoughts." Alex added before Amanda could reply the question.
" Don't you see the similiraties of our lives, Alex? You are a mini-me and Nikita is just like my sister standing by and watching when we destroyed your life again and again and again. Actually no, Nikita is worse than my sister, Nikita helped us to screw up your life." Amanda commented and smiled evilly seeing Nikita's eyes widen in complete shock and pain.
" Well, guess what.. I am not you. I don't blame the others for what have happened in my life. So can you stop turning the conversation to me?" Alex retorted angrily.
" Why? Afraid that you will change your mind if we continue the conversation and you will kill her?" Amanda asked amused.
" No. Afraid that she would start beating herself up again and I am not in mood." Alex retorted and gestured to Nikita, who was standing still in complete shock unable to form any kind of words trying to fill in the new informations while her eyes were still wet from the previous conversation when Alex received Amanda's cruel comments.
" I don't think that you have forgiven her" Amanda said and stared at Nikita, who looked up at her and then at Alex.
" You are allowed to think whatever you want" Alex replied avoiding to answer to Amanda. Her relationship with Nikita wasn't Amanda's or anyone's business and she wasn't going to discuss it in front of her.
" Fair enough" Amanda commented and nodded to Nikita.
" You could have worked it out differently. You are hurt because Nikita left you but you have never faced her and tell her how you really feel. You pushed her towards her decision, Amanda. It was her decision but you helped her to make up her mind" Alex said calmly staring at Nikita and then at Amanda.
" This is my fault, too?" Amanda asked in disbelief.
" It isn't only Nikita's fault. I am pretty sure that you have never told her that Percy went behind your back when Daniel got killed. Does she know that you didn't know? Does she know that you didn't give the order? Does she know that you were sorry that she had to suffer like that? Does she know that you wanted her to be happy?" Alex asked softly.
" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked in shock.
" You feel betrayed, Amanda, but you helped her betray you. All that she needed was you to tell her that everything is going to be fine, it was you to look her in the eyes and tell her that you didn't know and that you are sorry. She just needed her mother figure by her side but you weren't there. You had decided to take Division's side, you decided to teach her that love is liability, you decided to torture her with her memories, you decided to use him against her." Alex said and saw Amanda's face darkening.
" She just needed you and you weren't there for her and she left. Don't blame her for running away from you after everything because you could have done something better. You want to get mad at someone for Nikita's betrayal? Get mad at yourself for not being there for her." Alex added .
" You didn't know?" Nikita gasped in shock.
Amanda remained silent staring at Alex. She had gone too far. She had exposed a lot of things for her.
" She should have done something better than run away. I gave her everything and she used the gifts that I gave her against me." Amanda commented ignoring Nikita's question.
" You would have done something better if you thought that Nikita had Sean killed." Amanda added.
Alex laughed loudly.
" Do you really think that her reaction was extreme? Amanda, if I thought that Nikita had Sean killed, you are right, I wouldn't have reacted like she did. I would have just been out there looking for blood, her blood and I wouldn't have stopped until I died or made her regret the day that she was born. Her reaction towards you is outstanding. You are lucky that she decided just to run away from you." Alex replied coldly.
" You wouldn't" Amanda argued.
" I hope that I would never have to prove my words. I can forgive a lot but the people that I love turning one against the other in this way is something that I can't and I won't stand." Alex replied calmly.
" Deal with your emotions, Amanda. Stop hidding. Stop running." Alex requested softly.
" Fuck you, Alex" Amanda replied coldly.
" It is your turn again now. Use it wisely." Alex ignored Amanda's comment.
" Of course and I will use it wisely. I will kill you" Amanda said and smirked to Alex.
" Maybe" Alex replied calmly.
" Why the hell do you think that there is even a tiny possibility to hold back and not kill you? I killed my family. You are nothing to me." Amanda said irritated.
" Family isn't something that comes with the blood, it is something that it comes from your heart but anyway. Do you remember our conversation after Nikita shot me? You came to check up on me and you made me a favor in order to distract me. I ask you what you wanted in return. Think your answer and you will have your answer." Alex replied calmly.
Amanda's mind flashed back to this conversation.
" What do you want in return Amanda?" Alex asked harsh not in mood to make any kind of conversation after being shot by her ex-best friend.
" Nothing. It is a favor" Amanda replied.
" And why are you doing me a favor?" Alex requested.
" Because this is what friends do for each other" Amanda replied and smiled.
" We aren't there yet" Alex said with hate.
" I think that we are close. Your current condition is a proof of that." Amanda said and gave for first time a honest smile to Alex before she turned around and left.
Nikita and Alex stared at Amanda's face as a small smile was formed and then fainted.
" And your current position is a proof that we are in enemies sides again. You rejected the title" Amanda commented with hate.
" It doesn't matter what my answer was, if I accepted your friendship or not. Even for one moment you thought of me like a friend, you felt something inside you than hate and anger towards me. And this is enough for me to make me think that under your mask and your hate, there is something pure, there is something capable to get attached, capable to love." Alex replied and smiled softly.
" You will regret it, Alex. You will regret turning against me. You will regret betraying me." Amanda yelled and stood up.
" You are fighting an already lost war. I have win even before you started the game. I don't care if you kill me, if you cause me pain, if you take away my memories, if you trap me in my memories, if you take out your anger on me. I don't care to win you in your silly game." Alex retorted calmly.
" Then you will lose before you realise it" Amanda said coldly.
" I have win something bigger. I have win the life. I have managed even for one day to wake up in the morning and not feel sad, I have managed to spend a whole day with a smile on my face, I have managed to spend a day feeling whole person. I have win the life, Amanda. I have managed to feel okay with myself, I have managed to let people in, I have managed to leave myself exposed, I have managed to put my pieces together when I got hurt. I am not afraid of the pain that you can cause me because I have been through the pain of love and I have survived. And the pain of hate can't be compared with the pain of love." Alex replied softly.
" I will make you regret. I will make sure that the pain of my hate will be worse than anything else." Amanda threatened.
" You are playing the hate game with yourself. You hate me and you hate yourself but I don't hate you. So bring it on. Hurt me as much as you can for as long as you want, but you will always hate yourself more." Alex retorted coldly.
" What do you mean that you don't hate me?" Amanda asked in shock.
" I don't hate you. I feel sorry for you. I am sorry that you will never learn the meaning of love and friendship. You can change people's minds with your fucking cranio needles, you can manipulate their feelings and their thoughts but you know that they aren't by your side with their free will and I am sorry that you are incapable to let yourself be loved, to let yourself be hurt. I don't hate you. I am just sorry." Alex said sadly and stared at Amanda.
She hadn't seen Amanda so angry in her life. She was trembling from her anger.
" YOU..." Amanda started.
" Save it. We have nothing to say anymore. Take your revenge, Amanda, and get over with it. You know that I was right. You can read the file or you can burn it, you can deal with your past or bury it. I can't force you to do anything. It is your choice. I am sorry that I hurt you like that today, I really am. If you want revenge I am not going to stop you. Goodbye, Amanda" Alex said and walked towards the door. She stopped and turned around to see Amanda looking at her with wide eyes.
" It is good to know that you are human and you can feel things even if it is pain. I hope that one day you will manage to heal yourself and feel more things. We lead the life that we choose, Amanda. We live with the choices that we make." Alex said and left the room.
She ran like hell towards the training area and she found Tom there.
" Spare with me" Alex shouted and they moved towards the mat and started their battle. She needed to take it all out. She needed to deal with what Amanda had said to her, she needed to get rid of her frustation. She needed to keep her mind focused on something else than Amanda.
" Amanda?" Nikita whispered hesitantly seeing Amanda standing still like a status and staring at the door.
Amanda blinked her eyes and looked at Nikita.
" You don't mind if I change my primary target, Nikita, do you?" Amanda asked sarcastically.
Sean gasped understanding the meaning under Amanda's words.
" Amanda, no!" Nikita shouted worried.
" She is dead" Amanda replied and ended the call.
Nikita and the others were standing still staring at the black now screen.
" Why did she have to provoque her like that?" Michael asked confused.
" Not that she wasn't right, but she is Amanda and we all know what this means." Michael added and inside him felt proud and worried of Alex.
" Because she thinks better her than us." Sean replied defeated.
" Please, tell me that she is not leaving again?" Birkoff interrupted worried.
" She will. Tomorrow." Sonya replied.
" This is suicide. She can't be on a mission without back up and with Amanda after her. Someone must put some sense into her mind" Ryan shouted in shock. He had learnt what had happened after he came around from his coma and he had forgiven Alex. He didn't want to see her suffer in Amanda's hands.
" I will talk to her." Nikita said and left to find Alex.