I do not own anything. I'm just translating. The characters belong to the great J.K. Rowling. The story belongs to the amazing Brigi. Her e-mail: tbwtpbe et hotmail .com

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THE BOY WITH THE PIERCING BLUE EYES

Chapter 28 – Confusing thoughts (part 1)

The cold wind seeped through the hole on the wall of the Hospital wing. With a charm they tried to close it and used a warming spell on the sleeping Harry. The offer of spending the night in one of the guest rooms was soon rejected by the boy.

All alone he was lying on the bed, watching a painting. He couldn't sleep. The accident wouldn't let him. His face was like that of a child's: scared, pale and red from crying and the cold wind.

He couldn't pick one thing out of the mess that was in his head. But the thought of almost killing an innocent woman always haunted him. Even if she wasn't innocent…

Harry shivered and fought the nausea. After what happened, he had to run to the bathroom three times already. He felt disgust toward his revengeful self which in a state of fear and weakness almost made him a killer. Over and over again, a picture of the killed Rowena came to his mind. A Rowena that couldn't get out of the curse's way. He hid under the blanket to stop his imagination.

Even though the attempt failed, the pictures haunted him. What would've happened if Snape wasn't there? He could never forget the last cries and pleas of the woman…

He covered his ears with his hands. He didn't want to hear it andimagine what it would be like. He felt a cold shiver course through his body. He never wanted to experience something like this again. He couldn't watch a person dying like that, friend or foe. Nor watch, nor cause it. His soul couldn't take this pain one more time…

The thought that it's inevitable to do that at least once made him shiver.

"Voldemort…."

I'd rather die, he thought. His conscience reprehended him. Remembering Remus' words about his parents' actions made him realize that his mission has to be fulfilled. From Sirius he could only remember an angry handwriting. Some words that made him feel loved and still making him take better care of himself.

"Leave… me… alone…"

Even thinking of his parents didn't convince him. Voldemort killed them. Murdered the married couple who only tried to protect their child. Take revenge? What did his revenge brought upon him… Even though he knew well enough that Voldemort was guilty, he couldn't kill him without a second thought. The cries of the defeated Dark Lord would certainly be worse than anyone else's. Who knows? Maybe it would haunt him for the rest of his life, like a punishment…

"I am the monster," He whispered. "Thinking of how to kill someone as a child… It's… not normal… Uncle Vernon was right after all… I really am sick… yes, that must be it…"

He feared that killing the Dark Lord would please him and then make him want to kill again and again. But who could enjoy something like that?

He shivered when thinking about this. What would it be like to think day after day about whom to kill next? What it would be like to be a Death Eater…

After the forth or the fifth kill one might get used to it. After that he might stop counting.

He covered his face with trembling hands. Can a person leave his conscience behind? Say, after committing a certain amount crimes?! How is it possible to live like that? Is it possible… to live like that?

And all this because of a stupid dream. He still couldn't figure out if it was a dream or a vision, or maybe a prophecy that will determine all their fates. No matter how many reasons he had to choose one there were things that made him unsure.

Was it just a dream? It was so real! At the beginning… he felt tingling in his body, and instantly the image of Marie came to his mind. Thinking back though, he realized that he never actually saw the girl. He heard something. Not talking, but chuckling. Was that also Marie? Or… did he just connect the heartwarming feeling with the girl? Was it because she was the only one he had intimate relationship with? What does this mean? That there'll be someone else other than Marie… or that she will remain the woman in his life? It's easy to know if Voldemort kills her…

And the falling? Since when can a person control his dreams? Slowing down on command. It's not natural. It's true that there are things like this in dreams… the perfect scene, beautiful lands, happy people, no sign of destruction…

"But this whole thing was destruction! Murder!"

Is Marie really dead? Or was it just a dream?

He bit his fingers nervously.

If she's dead, why won't they tell him? Why won't Dumbledore tell him? He knows how important the girl is to him!

"Does he… know?"

How could he? He didn't know that Sirius loved him this much. If he did, he would've told him the prophecy to prevent his godfather's death. Does he think that there is no one important in his life just because he was always all alone? His friends in Hogwarts, of course… They were important to him. But who else? There are others outside of the school! Why won't they do something?

"And why am I still thinking about whose life is more important?

It must be a dream…

Why was it Rowena's face that appeared? Why would she hurt Marie? She's a kind woman, everyone loves her, and she was Sirius' fiancée. And Sirius was like a father and a brother to him… at least almost. Then… Rowena is the evil step mother? If they were a family, Rowena would be the Mum and Sirius the Dad, and the step mothers are always bad to the orphans… Aunt Petunia is evil too… Yes, that must be the answer. No! For Merlin's sake, Harry, how can you think like that?

He hid his face in the pillow. The three ghosts next to his bed couldn't hear his thoughts, but his reactions made them clear. They stood there, shining like a bright candle in the darkness.

Vision…? A real vision? Like the ones before? Impossible. No usual symptom appeared now. When Ginny and his father were attacked he trashed around in bed like he had a high fever, or threw up, or fainted because of the pain in his mind. And Hermione said that he was walking around in his room thin time. Was he sleepwalking?

He really didn't feel anything when the scenery appeared before him. His scar didn't hurt. But still…

If Rowena didn't leave Hogwarts then she couldn't have been there to kill Marie.

"Was she really here? She never left?"

"No! No!" A voice in his mind protested.

She was here. They were having tea with her. Plus… didn't Marie look older? She was a grown up. And why did he feel older too? Was it the future that he saw?

"Why is everything so complicated?" Harry hit his pillow. "And why isn't there anyone with me when I need help?"

Something was placed on the nightstand next to his bed. Harry fell of the bed in surprise.

Remus leaned over to look at the boy with shining eyes.

"I'm sorry to startle you. I thought you noticed me coming in."

Harry stood up and hugged the professor so fast that he almost fell over.

"Oh, Remus!" He whispered.

Lupin hugged him back, but when the boy was reluctant to let him go after minutes had passed, he patted his head. Harry looked up with tears in his eyes.

"Hey" He held the boy's face with both hands. "It's okay now."

Their foreheads touched, which gave strength to Harry. But his terrible mood wouldn't leave him.

"Nothing's okay."

"Wait a minute! Conlaxare!"

With his wand he pointed at the bed which became twice the size it was before. The man lay next to Harry, looking at him.

"I'm sorry for coming so late. You know that the teachers have to patrol the corridors at night, to stop the students from sneaking out." He said with a smile.

"I'm so happy that you're here!"

"What's wrong?" Remus asked looking at the tears on the boy's face.

"You need to ask? I did something horrible, Remus! I almost killed someone… almost…"

"Shh…" Lupin comforted him.

"I'm gonna be expelled… I almost killed one of the teachers… and others too. Those who were here… You could've died too… And I killed Fawkes!" He covered himself with the blanket. "Where can I go? And how can I face the others after this?"

Remus removed the blanket from the boy's head.

"You didn't kill Fawkes! You can't kill a phoenix. Dumbledore said it was okay. I saw the little one in Dumbledore's office. Fawkes was sitting on the desk."

"Really?"

"Really. And you won't be expelled."

"But why? And why do you look so happy? I did something horrible!"

"What happened was… scary indeed." Lupin said more seriously. "But far more wonderful than you think!"

"What was so wonderful about it? Is Dumbledore happy that I saw my loved one die?"

"Marie's fine. Dumbledore asked the French colleagues to look after her. Marie's fine and healthy as always."

Harry hid his face under the pillow.

"Don't hide!" smiled Remus. "What important is the spell you used. Where did you learn it? Read about it or heard it somewhere?"

"I don't know… I just used it…"

"That's what the headmaster thought… I looked into it and couldn't find anything about the spell. It must be a very ancient one. Not even Severus knows it and that's saying something."

"My life is filled with curses…"

"Don't do this! You still can't understand?! Not even Fawkes could handle it! Phoenixes can stop even the unforgivable curses. But not this one. Can you imagine what that means?"

"Not really…"

"It means that you already have a weapon against Voldemort, you silly. He doesn't know it and probably can't defend himself against it…"

Harry shivered.

"You think after all this I can use my wand against anyone? I still… feel sick when I think about what I did… Even though no one got hurt this time… I… couldn't… kill anyone… I had enough of death… and bodies… it's so horrible…"

Remus became serious again and hugged the boy. For minutes they just stayed that way.

"I know it's a huge burden to your soul… The first time always is. But in time you'll realize that there's no other solution."

"It must be horrible to kill a human being…" Harry whispered.

Lupin didn't want to answer first.

"You've… killed someone before… right, Remus?"

"I would never want you to experience that feeling…" The man sighed. "One can… never forget it. But… if it serves a bigger purpose… that helps a little."

"I could never do it… not even with him… I'm afraid of having nightmares about that moment for the rest of my life… I know he did terrible things, but…"

"You're still a child. Too young to understand something this complicated and painful."

Harry didn't reply. An image of the dead Cedric came to him mind and the fear he felt then. That was the first time he actually got close to death.

"You saw them, right?" He asked. "You saw my parents after…"

Remus shivered. He closed his eyes as if chasing away invisible demons.

"Even… in this world you have to identify the victims…"

Harry sobbed.

"It's horrible to see our friends like that… I lost everything that night… James, Sirius, Peter…and I couldn't see you. Hagrid took you away before I could get there. I've waited so long to see you again…"

He looked into Harry's green eyes, smiled and didn't continue. Making him even sadder wouldn't help anyone.

"Were you… happy when we met?"

"I came to Hogwarts just for you. I was afraid Sirius would want to hurt you… I wanted to be next to you to stop anyone who might want to cause harm to you… It was… so weird to see you… You grew up… It was so strange to think that James has a teenage son… He became a father at a very young age. We couldn't believe it then. When you were born in the Saint Mungo's we were outside, waiting…"

"I was born in the Saint Mungo's?" Harry asked in surprise.

Lupin nodded.

"Something like that is very memorable… James was the bravest man I even knew but then and there we had to keep his spirit up. No matter how hard times were, for that short period we were all happy… We loved playing with you. Maybe you like flying so much because Sirius was always running around with you… rocking you like you were floating. And you're mother was always arguing with him. She was afraid of him dropping you…"

At last Harry smiled too and cuddled closer to Remus.

"Can I ask you something, Remus?"

"Yes."

"You… never wanted children?"

Lupin watched the ceiling for a while silently.

"It is hard to find someone when you're a werewolf, Harry."

"But you have someone now!"

"Hm…"

"Hm?"

"Later I wanted to become a father… not as young as James… But loosing you was so devastating, like all happiness and life left me. Thing have changed…"

"Yes?"

"Don't be so curious…"

"But…"

"Dormitare." Remus whispered with a smile, murmuring the sleeping charm that Lily used to cast. "You need rest."

"But…"

"Harry…"

"Hm…"

A few moments later the boy was already fast asleep.

"I like it when you're so obedient." He said with a smile. "Sweet dreams…"

"Lupin!" The man woke up to someone shaking him. "Lupin, what the hell are you still doing here?"

Snape looked at him angrily the next morning.

"Lupin! You're first lesson is about to start!"

Remus looked at his watch sleepily and his eyes went wide.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I brought you the potion and you weren't there… I thought you might be with Harry."

The boy muttered something like a little kid. A sweet smile appeared on Snape's face.

"You used Dormitare to make him fall asleep?"

Remus nodded.

"That's a cute spell…"

"That's the first time I hear you say something is cute."

"I never would've thought it worked on teenagers too." Severus ignored the other man.

"He slept like a baby. But he was thinking a lot about what had happened yesterday." Remus said seriously.

"I thought so…"

"How's Rowena? Is she… angry?"

"No. More like scared that she might do something in the future to cause the girl's death…"

"That's why I hate prophecies." Remus sighed then left the room with Snape.

Severus, returning from his afternoon classes, found his son in their room. The boy smiled. That always made the man feel warmth in his body. It was like returning to his home where love and peace awaited him. Lamerin was smiling innocently and welcoming him back. Too innocently.

"What are you thinking about?" The man asked. Even though he loved the boy unconditionally, he wasn't stupid.

"What do you mean?"

"I've seen that sardonic grin too many times to know that this innocent smile always means mischief."

"You're paranoid…"

Severus raised his eyebrows slightly.

"I've had practice. Your dear" He empathized the word 'dear'. "friends, those damned twins made a lot of trouble here."

"But Dad! They're so lovable!"

Severus shivered at the thought of being closely involved with the Weasley-twins.

"They're like my brothers." Lamerin added.

"I take that as an insult." The man said seriously but couldn't hide his smile. "So? What's that grin for?"

"The twins promised to send me a package of their new products."

Severus looked up at the ceiling.

"Son, please don't do something that might cost me my job. As long as no one figures out it was you, I don't know anything either. But don't expect anything when they catch you."

"Oh, I see." The boy nodded. "That's how you compensate. You give me a chance to do this so you can also enjoy yourself. Why else would you be so indulgent?"

Severus stopped in taking his robes off and blushed slightly. He didn't say anything and that made Lamerin smile even wider.

"What do you mean?" The man asked finally.

The boy sat on a chair and invited his father to the sofa.

"I mean Professor Dareling, naturally."

The man became even more embarrassed.

"Who was it that pulled her out of the spell's way?"

"I was standing next to her!"

"Ha…" The boy nodded. "Right!"

"I really was standing there…"

"I can see what's happening here…"

Severus sat down with a sigh, but the boy didn't stop there.

"Tell me, did you make a move on her?"

The Potion Master lost his balance and almost sat next to the sofa.

"What?"

"Don't be so secretive! Did you at least… kiss her?"

His father smiled and was about to answer but knocking disturbed him.

"Are you waiting for someone?"

"No. But I can go back to my room if you'd like…" The boy said with a mysterious smile.

Severus sighed and shook his head while walking to the door. A first year girl from his house was standing by the door.

"Miss. Bleasdale? What can I do for you?"

Lamerin went to meet her too.

"Hi Maddy!"

"Professor…" The girl sobbed.

Then she reached out her hand. The man looked at his son questioningly but took Madeleine's hand.

The girl guided them to a statue. There wasn't enough light in the corridor to see the other figure sitting by the statue, but her sobs made them notice. They found the girl who went to the Gryffindor table before the Quidditch match.

"Olivia!"

"Miss. Fillmore!" The professor knelt down.

"Lumos!" Lamerin made some light.

Severus looked at the girl's face. Blood was oozing out of her nose, running down her small face.

The child's skin was sweaty.

"Miss. Fillmore, what happened?"

"They hurt us." The other girl said. "Because we went to the Gryffindor table and got flags from them…"

Lamerin looked at his father with fear in his eyes.

"Dad, they came because of me… It's my fault…"

"I don't care about that now." Snape helped Olivia stand.

With a tissue he tried to stop the bleeding. However, the girl got dizzy and almost fell over. Severus caught her then picked the girl up. She was unconscious.

"Not good…" He muttered.

"Is something wrong? It's just a nosebleed!"

"That's bad enough…" The man murmured. "Anemia is hereditary in the Fillmore family. The only way Olivia could attend school here was to take special actions to ensure her safety. We're not supposed to let her have a nosebleed…"

He held the girl close to him to avoid dropping her.

"Come on, you go first." He said to the other girl and his son.

Lamerin grabbed Maddy's hand and started running. They made their way through the students and the professor ran after them. A few children followed them curiously. At the entrance of the Hospital Wing they stopped.

"Go to the headmaster…" Snape said. "The password is 'bubble gum'."

"Bubble gum…"

"Go! Make her…" He pointed at Madeleine. "…tell everything! I'll joint you as soon as I can!"

Lamerin guided the girl to the headmaster's office while the Potions Master ran to Madame Pomfrey's room.

"Poppy!"

The mediwitch came out.

"Yes?"

"Please help!"

Harry was walking around the corridors. He felt it weird how empty they were. The last lessons are supposed to be over by now. Everyone's hungry and makes their way to the Great Hall by now. But not today…

Where is everyone? Maybe the lessons ended sooner for some reason? Did he miss something?

Or is there a sign above his head to scare people away? 'Danger! Potential murderer approaching! Approach at your own risk!'

There were times when he was used to being isolated. And he was sure that no matter how hard the Headmaster tried, everyone knew about his outburst and the spell he used. They can't be so stupid to not notice the hole on the wall. If not this, they must have heard the explosion.

That must be it. Even top secret things were widely known in this school. But Harry knew very well that Hogwarts is not your average school…

"Goulash!" He said reaching the Fat Lady.

The door opened and he entered the Common Room. Almost everyone was there, talking and shouting.

"Harry!"

"Harry! Where have you been?"

"Harry! Guess what!" Hermione approached him. "Another student was beaten!"

"What?"

"This time it was a Slytherin girl…" Ron added while making his way to them from the sofa he was sitting on.

"Two girls…"

"Anthony? What are you doing here?" Harry was surprised to see the Ravenclaw prefect.

"We gathered here." Said Ernie from the other side. The tall Hufflepuff boy was leaning against the staircase.

"Every prefect's here. Except the Slytherin ones." Ron shrugged with a smile. "I'd rather burn the Common Room down than let one of them in here."

"But…" Harry swallowed. "It wasn't you, right? I mean… you didn't hurt that girl, right?"

There was silence for a moment.

"I confess to wanting to hit a few Slytherins…" Colin sighed. "… but I would never hurt a girl."

"I think you spoke for everyone."

"Harry, you know none of us would do something like that." Hermione said calmly. "They say that the culprit or culprits are also Slytherins."

"You can't think that I'll believe that?! Why would a Slytherin hurt another Slytherin? Malfoy wouldn't…"

"Malfoy's not the only Slytherin." The girl interrupted. "He has enough trouble as it is."

"Hermione's right. I don't think he did this." Anthony added.

"That doesn't mean he couldn't make someone do this for him." Parvati said.

"Your sister said the same thing." The Ravenclaw boy smiled. They looked at each other, then away in embarrassment.

Ron looked at them suspiciously then shook his head to clear the image that appeared before his eyes.

"Anyway. The teachers have gathered in the headmaster's office."

"And how's the girl? Who is it anyway?"

"A first-year…"

"What? Wa-wait! Someone beat up a first-year girl?"

The others nodded silently.

Harry sighed. How long ago was it… when they were first-years?! What would have been like to have Hermione beaten then? It would have been terrible.

But he was happy that no one mentioned anything about his absence. No one asked anything about what happened yesterday and why he attacked their teacher… For this, he was very grateful for them.

Hello everyone!

Here's a new chapter. Well, the first half of it. I don't know when the next one will be ready. There are a lot of things I have to do right now, but I'll make sure to have some time to translate too.

So see you next time.
Please Review.
Thanks & Bye
Hermina