" How much have you overheard?" Alex asked calmly and closed the bottle hiding it back in her pocket.
" Are you using again?" Nikita asked back with pain in her voice and walked towards Alex stopping inches away from her.
Alex glared at her and tried to compose herself and put her cold mask on.
" It isn't your business." Alex said coldly. She needed to make Nikita angry, she needed to make Nikita hate her, she needed to protect her.
" It isn't my business?" Nikita gasped hurt. What had she done? Why was she losing Alex all over again?
Alex stared at Nikita unaffected repeating mentally to herself that it was for Nikita's best intrest. The only thing that she wanted right now was to hug Nikita and cry in her arms but she couldn't risk her life like that. It would be too selfish if she let Nikita in while Julian and Amanda were out there looking for her blood.
" He promised that he would look after you and you are using again." Nikita whispered in shock ready to break down.
" It is not Tom's fault. He is doing his best to protect me and don't forget that he is under my commands." Alex defended Tom not wanting to cause him any problems with Nikita.
" So, because you are the big boss, it is ok to use again?" Nikita asked in disbelief.
" Why Alex? Why are you using again? Why you didn't come to me or to anyone else and talk about it?" Nikita added and fight hard to keep her tears in her eyes.
Alex couldn't let Nikita think that she was using. Nikita's pained figured was killing her. She hated herself. She took a deep breathe and walked away from Nikita. She sat down and placed the ice back on her ankle.
" I am not using again. Not yet." Alex whispered staring at her pained leg.
Nikita blinked her eyes in shock.
" What do you mean? Not yet? You are using or not, Alex? Why do you carry drugs? What's wrong?" Nikita shouted confused. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take her new relationship with Alex, she wanted to fix it and never let go of Alex, ever again. She wanted to keep Alex in her hug, safe away from Amanda and the other monsters of the real world.
" I am not using yet. I might start using later but for now I am clean" Alex replied calmly.
" Yet? You really think of start using again?" Nikita shouted and started pacing up and down trying to understand what was going on.
" I don't know what I am going to do in the future. I don't know if I will use or not. The time will show" Alex replied honestly.
" Wait wait wait. You carry DRUGS, Alex. You have already relapsed once! What do you want this time? You want to get addicted again? You want the pain of the withdrawals? You want to punish yourself like you did when you escaped brothels? You want to forget? Tell me what do you want Alex! Tell me why you are pushing me away! Just tell me what is wrong!" Nikita screamed her lungs out and stopped to face an unexpected calm Alex.
" I am not using, Nikita. What else do you want to hear?" Alex asked harsh. She didn't want to hurt Nikita but she didn't know what else to do. She didn't want her nightmares to become reality and she couldn't quite handle what Amanda's cranio needle had released.
" The truth" Nikita said simply.
" I am not ready to give you that. I am sorry." Alex replied honestly.
" You aren't ready or you don't want to?" Nikita asked seriously and stared at Alex.
" Does it matter what I am going to say? You have already jumped to conclusions." Alex replied and stared back.
Nikita slowly sat down opposite to Alex. She stayed silent for a while. Then, she moved her hands to Alex's sprained ankle. She lifted the ice from it and had a look at it. It was bruised, covered in a mix of purple and black color. Nikita sighed hurt and placed the ice back on the ankle.
" I didn't want to accuse you about Michael. I know that it wasn't your fault. I am sorry." Nikita said sadly.
" I want to believe that you just needed a punch bag. I never wanted Michael to get hurt." Alex replied seriously.
" I didn't mean that Alex. I am just worried to sick about him and scared of why you are acting so distant. I just want to understand." Nikita apologized.
Alex remained silent. She didn't know how to reply. She just wanted to break down and tell Nikita everything, feel safe in her hug but she knew that she couldn't. She knew that Nikita would be reckless trying to protect her and she couldn't afford losing her forever.
" You should take it more easy. You need time to heal and sparring with Tom isn't the best way to rest it." Nikita adviced softly when she realised that Alex wasn't going to continue the previous conversation.
" I know but I needed to take the number and all the conversation with Amanda out of my mind somehow." Alex replied sadly.
" You have to take care of yourself." Nikita said calmly.
" This is what I am trying to do, Nikita. I don't think that you can understand how I feel and to be honest, I am glad that you can't. I wouldn't want you or anyone else to be able to understand what is going on inside me." Alex replied honestly.
" Why?" Nikita asked confused. Why Alex was happy that they couldn't understand how she felt and they couldn't be there for her?
" Nikita, why should I want my friends to feel like hell?" Alex retorted calmly.
" You have a point." Nikita commented and smiled sadly.
" Why do you carry drugs?" Nikita asked softly. She needed to make Alex speak to her.
" I am not using. Why do you have to keep asking me about the drugs? What do you want to hear more?" Alex asked defeated.
" I want to understand why you carry drugs with you and I want to know if you were really going to make use if Amanda told you so" Nikita replied firmly and stared at Alex.
" Fine." Alex said tired with gritted teeth.
" I wouldn't have made use if Amanda wanted me to. BUT she wouldn't ask me anyway. Like you, she has spent a lot of time talking to me about drugs and how I can fight my addiction. She wouldn't have asked me to relapse like that. She wants revenge. She doesn't want me to selfdestruct, she wants to be the one who will destroy me." Alex added defeated. She was tired of fighting with Nikita, she could at least give her some answers.
" Then why do you carry drugs with you?" Nikita asked confused trying to ignore the comment about Amanda's intetions to destroy Alex.
" Drugs are a tolerance control. If I relapse then I totally need a break and I need to run to clean my head. It started when I was a recruit. I was holding drugs because I didn't know if I could be your mole and overcome Amanda's torture and mind games. As long as I was staying clean, I was strong enough to continue. If I had relapsed, I would have asked you to extract me." Alex said seriously.
" Why you never told me?" Nikita asked in disbelief. She didn't know about that.
" Because we would have fought about it and I didn't want that. I had promised you to help you to take down Division and no matter how much difficult it was for me, I didn't want to step down." Alex replied seriously.
" Alex, your safety was always my number one priority. You should have told me. We would have found a different way." Nikita retorted sadly. She had never thought before how difficult must have been for Alex to be her mole while everyone was looking for a mole. Of course, she had seen some changes when Alex was outside, for example her need to be near to Nikita and feel safe. She had noticed that Alex wouldn't sleep before Nikita and that she would rarely have spoken about her nightmares but she had never thought of how Alex must be feeling hidding herself 24/7, being tortured from Amanda, putting her life in such danger every single day.
" And my priority was to help you no matter what." Alex replied firmly.
" But..." Nikita started.
" No buts" Alex cut her off.
" Anyway, I didn't take any drugs and we took eventually down Division." Alex added ending the conversation about her time as recruit and the drugs.
" Okay. Fine. I will drop it for now. What about after Mia? And what about now?" Nikita asked. She had so many questions in her mind that she needed to ask that it was sure that she would gain a headache sooner or later.
" I relapsed after Mia because I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed a break from everything, the pain was unbearable and I needed to force myself to step down for a while. So I started using again. I knew that it would hurt you but I am sure that you would prefer it than breaking down on the field and get myself killed." Alex replied seriously and looked away from Nikita knowing already what her next question would be.
" Why you didn't talk to me? I know that I haven't been there for you but you could have always come to me, Alex. I will always be there for you." Nikita cocked in shock.
" Does it matter?" Alex asked softly. She didn't want to talk about that.
" It matters to me. I want to know for how long you have problems with me." Nikita replied firmly.
" I don't have problems with you, Nikita. I didn't come to you because I believe that it was a period of weakness and I don't want you to be worried of me because I was or am weak." Alex whispered the half truth.
" You can't be serious" Nikita commented in total disbelief.
" Do I look to you like I am joking?" Alex asked seriously.
Nikita moved closer to Alex. Slowly she pointed to a scar on her shoulder.
" Do you see that? You took a bullet for me, you risked your life for me, you could have died for me. This isn't a weakness, this is strength." Nikita said firmly.
Alex remained silent. Nikita sighed defeated and trailed her fingers on Alex's body stopping at every scar on her body from a bullet, a knife, a rape etc. pointing to Alex those scars pleading for her attention.
" You are not weak. You never were. You are the strongest person that I have ever known in my entire life. You have been through hell but you have managed to keep your heart untouched. I admire you, Alex. I always did and I always will. I don't think that you are weak." Nikita said seriously and stared at Alex.
" That period, you took a bullet for me and you lost Sean because of that. It was normal to feel that you needed a break and it was normal to feel pain. If you have talked to me, I would have been there for you. I just wish that you should have told me." Nikita added.
" I didn't lose Sean because I took a bullet for you." Alex commented. She needed to take it out. She had hold it back for a long time. She wanted to tell Nikita the truth.
" You have told me that he left because you got hurt." Nikita retorted confused.
" One more reason why I didn't come to you, is because I couldn't tell you the truth." Alex mentioned calmly.
" Do you care to tell me the truth now?" Nikita asked harsh feeling that the truth that Alex had held from her would cause her pain.
" He left because I chose you." Alex replied firmly looking at a spot on the floor away from Nikita. She didn't want to see Nikita's gaze.
Nikita stared at Alex with her mouth half opened. Her gaze was full of confusion and pain. She knew that what Alex had just told her was truth, she could feel it. She couldn't understand exactly what Alex was talking about, but she could feel Alex's pain from her admission.
" What.. what do you mean?" Nikita gasped.
" We argued and he asked me what I believe in. I answered that I believed in you. The, he told me that he loved me but if this wasn't a reason good enough for me to leave then he would leave. He didn't give me exactly the chance to think about it- not that my decision would be different- but anyway I chose to stay." Alex replied not taking her eyes away from the floor.
" Why?" Nikita asked in disbelief and her heart arched thinking that she was responsible for one more pain that Alex had endured in her life.
" Because I believe in you and I love you and I would do anything for you." Alex replied seriously and looked at Nikita. Nikita stared back at Alex, not knowing what to think or say.
" I don't know what to say." Nikita commented in a state of shock.
" Don't say anything." Alex adviced.
Nikita took a deep breathe and acted as she felt. She was tired of holding herself back. Suddenly, she launched herself to Alex and knocked her down hugging her tightly and not letting her go. Alex stared with wide eyes at Nikita.
" I love you. Please, stop pushing me away. I am sorry for whatever I did this time. I love you." Nikita whispered softly in Alex's ears.
Alex slowly moved her hands and hugged Nikita back letting some tears to fall. She had missed Nikita so much. She couldn't keep it any longer inside her. She was breaking down.
" Do you think that you are ready to handle the truth? I am not. But if you think that you are, I am going to offer it to you." Alex said calmly.
Nikita pulled apart and looked at Alex confused.
" Seriously?" Nikita asked.
Alex nodded to her defeated.
" Yes. I want the truth." Nikita said firmly.
" Not here. Let's go on a little trip." Alex replied and stood up offering her hand to Nikita in order to help her to stand up.
Nikita smiled and accepted Alex's help. Alex took her car's keys in her hands and walked towards Division's garage. She opened the passenger's door for Nikita and then she moved to the driver's seat.
They drived in silence for 30 minutes and then suddenly Alex pulled over. Nikita glared around. They were in the bridge where she had found Alex years before.
" Give me five minutes." Alex ordered and left the car before Nikita could protest. Nikita watched as Alex walked through the junkies and fought with herself regarding what she should do. She sighed defeated thinking that she should play along and not piss Alex off now that she had finally decided to talk to her.
She stared when Alex knelt in front of a junkie and talked to him. After a while he stood up and walked away from her. He came back holding a shovel and he handed it to Alex. She dug for a while and then she took out a little object covered with paper. She took out the paper, exposing two bracelets. She took them in her hands and hid them in her pocket. She smiled to the junkie and gave him a little object and she left.
When she was back in her car, Nikita was still staring at her.
" What did you give him?" Nikita asked deciding that she shouldn't ask about the bracelets yet.
" A lighter" Alex replied calmly.
" Eh?" Nikita asked confused.
" When you live in the streets, your major problem is how to start a fire and keep yourself warm. Offering to a homeless person a lighter is the best way to thank them for helping you." Alex replied softly.
" How did you start fires back then?" Nikita asked wanting to know more about that period of Alex's life.
" I had exchanged my dose with a lighter." Alex whispered sadly.
" Withdrawals?" Nikita asked simply.
" Survival." Alex replied seriously letting Nikita know that her life was always a battle with the death.
Nikita looked at Alex with pain. She would never forgive herself for what she had caused to Alex. She had destroyed her life, she had put her in unimaginable danger, she had turned her life into a living hell.
" I know what you are thinking." Alex mentioned bringing Nikita out of her thoughts.
Nikita stared at her with a questioning gaze.
" It is not your fault, Nikita. Please. Stop doing that to both of us. Stop blaming yourself for my past, stop feeling guilty and stop being sorry for my past. It isn't the best past ever but I don't appreciate my friends to feel pity of me. It hurts more than my past itself." Alex added replying to Nikita's unspoken question.
" I don't feel pity of you." Nikita retorted immediately.
" You are when you keep feeling guilty for my past. You are not responsible about what happened to me. My past is my past and it isn't your fault. Stop feeling sorry about my past because my past is me and when you feel sorry of it, you feel sorry of me. Please forgive yourself." Alex replied seriously. Nikita couldn't understand that her guilt trip was the source of emotional pain to her. Nikita couldn't understand that when she felt sorry of Alex's past, she felt sorry for Alex herself.
Nikita didn't know how to reply to that. She knew that Alex was right up to a point but her guilt wasn't something that she couldn't control. She wasn't feeling sorry of Alex but she was sorry that Alex had to go through hell in her short life.
" We are here." Alex said and pulled over stopping the car.
Nikita looked around. They were in a familiar for her cemetery.
" What are we doing here?" Nikita asked confused.
" I am really really really sorry, Nikita. If I had made the connection earlier, I would have talked to you sooner. I am sorry. I don't want to hurt you and I know that I will and I am really sorry for that. Are you sure that you are ready?" Alex said devastated. She wished that Nikita would back off even in the last minute, but Nikita was always too stubborn.
" Show me who we came to visit." Nikita said firmly and exited the car.
Alex sighed defeated and stepped out, too.
" Let's go and buy some flowers for you." Alex recommented seriously and started walking.
They stopped to buy some flowers for Nikita and then they continued.
Alex stopped in front of a grave and looked at Nikita, who was staring at it with watery eyes.
" I will give you some minutes to say your hello and then we can talk." Alex said softy and took two steps back giving Nikita some space. Nikita glared at Alex confused. She took a deep breathe and then she knelt in front of the grave, she placed the flowers on it and took a couple of minutes to give her respects. Then she stood up and turned to Alex who was looking at her with her own watey eyes.
Alex studied her gaze and joined her before the grave.
" Why did we come to visit Daniel's grave, Alex?" Nikita asked with pain and confusion obvious in her voice.