Stefan's posture was telling Gabby the one thing she needed to know the most in that split second - he was scared. It was clear to everyone that Stefan didn't know Matt as well as everyone else did but he was making a effort. It had been four weeks ago that he had taken the new job in Chicago to be closer to his brother and family. It was a bold move and it showed to the people close to Casey that he was here to stay. It took a certain person to pick up their whole life and move it hundreds of miles across the country, all for one thing - family. Being an Homicide Detective was hard in New York, or so they say, but Chicago was worse. There was always murders on the news at night. That was the price you had to pay for living in the most beautiful city in the whole world. Nothing is ever completely perfect, nothing in the world is perfect enough not to have one flaw, its that one flaw that makes people second guess the right for that object, that thing to be perfect and in some aspects, it's kind of sad.
Gabby was thankful that Stefan had come, she was even more thankful that one of the men where polite enough to call him. Some how having Stefan within touching distance made everything seem less terrifying. It was almost as if Matt was here with them, that his presence was among them and he was here to guide them through the rough patch. It was a thing they all knew he'd do, and the fact that Matt wasn't here to tell them that everything was going to be okay was the thing that was causing the most problems.
Glancing round the room she could feel the team looking at her. She didn't care. She didn't care that tears where streaming down her face; that she was now holding Jamie's little hand so tightly to make herself feel like she was able to do this, to make everything seem like it was okay. She just didn't care. Without even thinking about it, Gabby began to lower herself to the floor.
Jamie's naturally bright blue eyes were dimmed by his emotions, but still searching hers for answers to questions he'd never even consider asking. All he was concentrating on was not letting his eyes leek the tears that where burning at the back of his throat. He wanted to cry like nothing he'd ever felt before. He wanted to run into his father's arms and be held in such a loving hug it blocked out all the bad things in life. The fact that he knew he never could do that was enough by its self to make anyone want to cry. Not closing his eyes until his mother's arms where wrapped around him, he rested his chin on her shoulder and silently let the tears slide down his face. He made not a single sound as the knot in the depths of his throat tied itself tighter and tighter, even if he had wanted to speak he wouldn't been unable to. The busy sounds of the ED all seemed to fade to a faint hum before finally it was silent. Jamie let his mind wander as time slowed down.
"Jamie, come on Monkey you can do it!" Matt yelled, a big smile on his face, as he held out his hands in case his son fell.
"Dad i can't do it!" Jamie replied as he stood on the ledge of the wooden climbing frame, both hands gripping tightly to the handles to his sides. The monkey bars seemed further to go and most certainly higher from up here. Only being brave enough to let one hand go, Jamie brought it up and adjusted his hat so it was further down over his head. Meeting eyes with his father, the nerves seemed to subside slightly; Jamie knew that his father would do everything to keep him out of any type of danger. Deep down he knew he was safe, he just needed to keep telling himself that.
Matt saw that Jamie was scared. He watched him for a moment, a smile still on his face as he watched his son try and combat his fears. Jamie was strong and he knew that, and when the time was right he knew that Jamie could do anything that he put his mind to; like every child, they needed to do it on their own to really feel like they'd accomplished something and this was exactly what Jamie was going through. Matt took a deep breath and watched a white cloud escape from his mouth as he exhaled. Meeting Jamie's eyes he walked in his direction; within a few seconds Matt was stood in front of his son and looking up to him because of the platform Jamie was standing on. He reached up and placed his gloved hands on Jamie's sides - they where padded out because of the coat his son was wearing. "I know that you're scared Monkey." He started softly as Jamie leaned forwards, expectant that his father would catch him. Like Jamie anticipated, he slid right into his father's arms and rested his head against Matt's shoulder. "You'll do it next time, i promise."
"What if i never have the confidence to do it?" Jamie asked sheepishly as he lifted his head and met eyes with his father.
"Oh don't be like that Monkey," Matt smiled as he pushed Jamie's scarf closer to his neck to keep out the harsh Chicago cold. "As i said, you'll do it next time and i will be the proudest dad in the park when you do!"
Hope flickered in Jamie's eyes as he imagined how he would feel after he made his dad feel so happy. A happy smile slid onto his face, "Dad, can i ask you something?" he asked as Matt lifted Jamie up onto his shoulders, making sure that he had his son's hands in his at every moment.
"Of course you can Monkey." Matt replied happily as he headed out of the park and over the snowy grass towards the path. "Never feel like you can't talk to me or your mother okay." He felt Jamie nod his head.
"Is it hard being a dad?" He asked innocently.
It took a few seconds for Matt to realize what he had been asked. With a little chuckle he knew exactly how to answer. "You have to make a lot of sacrifices." He started. "Some people aren't out for the job and that's sad because it leaves children like you with no father to look after them. What they don't realize is what they're missing out on." Matt continued to try and lighten the mood. "So in answer to your question Jamie, I want to say sometimes. Sometimes it's hard, but most of the time it's the best thing anyone could ever do. Me personally? I love it."
"You're good at it." Jamie interrupted with a little giggle, instantly feeling slightly shy.
"Oh i am, am i?" Matt laughed along as he walked up to the edge of The Bean, Jamie still sat on his shoulders.
"Thank you for being the best daddy ever." Jamie whispered as he leaned forward and rested his chin on his father's head.
The constant shade of white scared me. I didn't know if i was dead or alive. I couldn't hear a thing and i was terrified. The split second before we impacted was in my head like a stuck record; running over and over again as if it was trying to remind me of what i had left behind. I'd read books about people seeing things after they died, thinking that they where in different worlds or something. When you feel as alone as i do now, i can see what they where talking about. I remember a book i read where a man was in a car crash and he lived the day over and over again and it really made me think. I mean the main aspect of the book was incredibly intelligent but it still made me think. It spoke about a lot of things; how he felt when he died, what he'd tell his family before he left for work in the morning and most interesting part was when he talked about what he'd do differently. I know exactly what i'd do if I had the chance. I would have stayed at home and not gone to shift that day. Gabby and i didn't have to go back to work the day the accident happened, we could have just stayed on our 'honeymoon' vacation. I would have told Gabby and Jamie how much i loved them and told with them with the most emotion and truth i could muster, and i would've held them in the tightest embrace for as long as i could.
Things are different now. I have no idea if I'm dead or alive and I can't feel anything; not my arms, my legs - i can't even feel my body and I can only imagine how I am making my friends and family feel. I hate everything about this and I can't help but blame myself, even though I know I did nothing towards the accident happening. But then again I think about that I should've been keeping a look out rather then talking to Kelly on the radio; that I should've told Cruz that there was a car coming. Joe must be kicking himself now - how did I put him in this situation?!
I tried to not think about it and I let my mind wander, Jamie was the first thing to come into my head. His bright blue eyes and dirty blonde hair always made me smile. He was the one thing in my life that made me feel like I had purpose. He was the reason I got up in the morning because he needs me. The thing that makes me laugh every time I think about it is that he needs me but he has no idea how much I need him. Jamie is my everything and I'm just so lucky to have a son that is incredibly adorable as well as intelligent and single-minded and a delight to be around. He is my biggest achievement and I know it. Now I'm thinking about the lengthy talks Gabby and I would have over how lucky we where that we had him. We knew that he was special as soon as he was born - although Gabby and I where having issues in our relationship during the time he was younger, but when the cancer came we managed to get our act together and sorted out our differences. During that time I was terrified. I tried not to let my family see it but I still hate to think about it. It's any parents nightmare to be told that their child is as ill as Jamie was and the fact he nearly died from the symptoms that the cancer caused was the most frightening. I can picture it now; my three year old son as white as a bed sheet connected up to all the machines in the room. I remember holding Gabby tight as she cried as she looked into the room our son was in as Dr Halstead and his team had to resuscitate him after he'd coded. We weren't allowed into see him until they where sure that Jamie was so close to the end that they couldn't do anything more to save him; this was when Jamie being Jamie gave us the biggest shock of our lives. He came back from the dead in the simplest terms of phrase and after the ten seconds, even through it felt like an eternity, slowly started to wake up. First his heart started beating on its own; then we saw his little chest slowly start to rise and fall, finally he opened his eyes and it was like everything was going to be okay. I can tell you now, I don't know what I would've done if he hadn't have made it. I try not to think about it most of the time but sometimes, in the quiet moments, I can't quite help myself. I love him like you won't believe and if I really am dead - I hope he does what he thinks is right in the world and makes me proud like he does everyday; I want him to look after my beautiful wife, like I know he will, and most of all - I want him to be happy.
Stefan had taken time way from Severide as he needed to clear his head. He'd got the news at work, just before he was about to go away from the office so it was lucky that Herrmann had called his work phone when he did. Stefan kept running that sequence of events through his head because if he hadn't got to the phone when he did, he may not have been made aware of the fact that his brother was in such a state. Making his way to the hospital was the most nerve wracking thing he'd ever done in his life - he wasn't sure if Matt was going to be alive when he reached the ED or not. It was lucky though that when he came running through the Chicago Med ED doors the whole house (apart from Gabby) was there. Most of them had a distant look on their faces, Stefans initial though that they where still in shock after what happened.
"Stefan." Came a voice pulling him from his thought track. "Hey buddy, how you holding up?" It took a second for him to realize who was talking to him but slowly her brown hair came into view.
Now alert and fully aware, Stefan corrected his posture and answered the question. "Hey Jess!" He stuttered trying to find his words. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine."
Raising an eyebrow to make it seem clear that she didn't believe him, she second guessed herself as she took a deeper look at her partner. He seemed different, not the usually exuberant Detective she had grown to have a strong friendship with - the detective she had begun to care about. Like his brother, Stefan had a certain amount of energy that never seemed to end. No matter what they told you, you had to guess if they where actually that exited or if they where trying to make other people dismiss the fact that inside they where hurting. After working the arson case back in the winter with Gabby, Jess had spent a lot of time round their house working on the case file and she had begun to see the way that Matt worked and thought. This wasn't because she was deliberately trying to be nosy and try to figure out how Matt did stuff but she couldn't quite help herself due to the nature of her training in the CPD. This had become extremely helpful now she was working with Stefan. Sometimes she would stop and think about how similar Matt and Stefan where. For two brothers that hadn't know each other for over 35 years it was incredible to see the ways in which they worked in similar ways. Matt was more shy out of the two of them and slightly more reserved, but Stefan too at some points. However, they where both natural born leaders and it was clear that they both wanted to make a difference in the community by the jobs they'd chosen. "Have the doctors said anything?" She asked quietly as she glanced over to the rest of the fire house and over to Gabby, who was fighting back the tears, as she was talking to Severide.
Stefan took a deep weary breath as he rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat. "He's still in emergency surgery." He breathed out. "None of us are sure how he's doing and its been hours. I'm worried about him just as much as everyone else but right now," he flicked his eyes over to Gabby, "I'm worried more about Gabby and Jamie."
"She's handling it." Jess said softly as she put her hand on Stefan's arm, she felt him tense before he realized that she was trying to comfort him. "And Jamie is strong as anything. We all know tha-"
"He was standing there crying!" Yelled making everyone around them look in their direction. He scanned the room to see that it wasn't just the hospital staff that had looked round to see what had happened it was the whole of 51 as well. Stefan knew that he was making a fool of himself but he couldn't stop the way he was feeling. His body was full of anger because they all knew that Casey was the one they turned to when things got this bad, and now that he wasn't there for them to talk to everyone was suffering in come way. "He was trying to hide it but he was crying!" It came out as more of a squeak this time.
Now holding onto his arm, Jess dragged him round the corner so that they had a little privacy. She was heartbroken for the way he must have been feeling at that moment but he was making everyone more anxious. She made the decision, for everyone's benefit that talking Stefan down away from the rest of the already worried fire house team was probably the best idea. "You gotta stop this Stef!" she exclaimed trying to make him listen to her. "You're out there loosing your cool when even Jamie is able to sit there, however he's feeling, and he can keep his thoughts to himself. He's six years old for Gods sake!"
"You don't think I know that!?" He hissed before he turned and rested his head on the cold wall. "I am trying to keep my cool but Jess, it's harder than it looks."
"You don't think I know that?" She huffed placing her hands on her hips. Before she had a chance to carry on, there was a commotion that came from round the corner where the waiting area was situated. After sharing a glance with each other, both Jess and Stefan hurried round to see what was happening.
Just as Stefan stepped into the room and saw what was happening, his body refused to move. Rage flared up inside him and he was afraid that if he followed Jess towards the situation that was unfolding in front of him, he may regret everything. Nancy had just come hurrying into the ED, stopped suddenly by Severide as he tried to stop her from kicking off in front of everyone. Like everyone else that was involved with the crash, he was still trying to get to grips with what had happened and Nancy coming and showing her face was all they needed. The whole firehouse was aware of the relationship Matt had with his mother and they chose not to bring it up whenever any newbie asked. However, all the feelings the team had towards her now where ready to be unleashed as the tension in the waiting room was so high.
"Nancy, what're you doing here?" Severide asked, his voice raspy from shouting at the men during Caseys extraction, but it sounded tired as well. The thought flashed over his mind and he dismissed it with a shudder. Kelly knew that Gabby would've handled the situation if it came to it, but as he looked at her it was clear that she was running low on energy. He didn't blame her at all for it. After all, she did have Jamie to think about as well as the heavy weight that was now sat squarely on her shoulders. Taking his eyes off her he moved over so he was standing in front Nancy and the rest of the fire house, he tried to calm her down.
"What's happening, I want to see my son! I heard what happened and I-"
"You know as much as us at the moment!" Severide raised his voice as he tried to make Nancy listen to him. Most of the firefighters that where sat quietly, waiting for news to come from Dr Rhodes - who was currently performing the surgery on their lieutenant - but now they had all raised themselves to their feet to almost prepare incase anything kicked off. Although they had the upmost respect for Nancy at this moment in time because of who she was to the beloved member of the fire house family, they still all had the same feeling. That was that Gabby and Jamie had, and would always, have a better right to see Matt when he came out of surgery than she did.
"Is my Matthew going to be okay?!" She cried as she held onto Severide's bloody shirt whilst looking over his shoulder to look deeper into the hospital.
"Your Matthew?!" A voice spluttered as it grew closer. Out of the corner of her eye Nancy could see a body moving closer to her at speed. "What right do you think you have here?!" The voice yelled.
Now knowing what who it was by forcing herself to remember the voice, Nancy let go of Severide, who gave a relieved sigh that she wasn't hanging onto her anymore, and turned to speak to the person who was coming at her. "Stefan, sweetie-"
"No Ma don't!" He dismissed as he reached her. "Don't come barging in here expecting to see him when everyone here has a better right than you do."
"I'm his mother!" She tried to argue, her son making her more panicked and angry than she already was.
"Yeah and I'm his brother. You're the mother that is never here for him. You're never here for either of us and you come here expecting to see him first!" Stefan's voice raised as his anger went though the roof. He was getting all his anger out on not the most attractive way but it was doing the job. All of the tension he had built up over the past few hours was all being let out - it was making him feel warn out and dazed but he kept going. "You had a chance Ma, you had a chance to put all this right but you didn't. You carried on drinking and pushed him away further. You're a grandmother and you never see you're grandson because of the way you treated Matt, and now you're blaming that on us."
"Stefan." Gabby said quietly even though she meant for if to come out with force. "Don't do this, not now." She sounded tired, like she was ready to give up. She wasn't looking at him, her eyes where fixed in her exhausted son who was sitting in the chair next to Herrmann - his head rested on his shoulder.
Deciding that Gabby was right, Nancy didn't deserve the attention, he came to the conclusion to give up on ranting at her. He had also come to the conclusion that she wasn't worth it so he rubbed his hand though is hair and made his way over to the empty seat next to Jamie. Looking up and giving a tired smile, his nephew shifted in his seat and rested his head against Stefan's shoulder. Herrmann gave an appreciative nod as he acknowledged that Stefan had tried to defend Matt, and Stefan gave a polite nod back.
The room was left in silence for the next few moments but it was interrupted when Dr Rhodes made an entrance into the waiting room. Gabby looked up and after she realised what this meant she propelled herself up and walked quickly towards him. While this was happening, Stefan lightly woke Jamie and instantly the little boy was awake as he looked over to see his mother talking to Connor. Moments later Gabby looked round as she folded her arms over her chest and let her head hang as Rhodes gave the news to the rest of the team. "He has a few broken ribs; a broken leg so physically he's more or less fine. It's the epidural hepatoma that we're all worried about." He turned to Gabby. "I understand that this was what he had last time," she gave a weak nod. "This time it is a lot worse due to that. He is currently in a coma however that isn't medically induced as some of you may know so we can't exactly pin point when he will wake up." Rhodes took a deep breath. "It should be within the coming week but as I said, we are just going to have to see how it goes."
"Can we see him?" Gabby blurted out as Connor finished.
With a small smile he nodded and gestured for him to follow her. Hesitating before she followed him, Gabby turned and gave her son a smile before she held out her hand. "Monkey, you coming?" She asked trying to sound happy, even after the news she'd just been given.
Walking down the hallway towards Matt's room was scary. Gabby didn't know how what he would look like and if Jamie would be okay. When they reached the door Connor pushed it open and held it open while Gabby walked in hand in hand with Jamie. What she hadn't expected was for Jamie to stop as he took it all in. Concentrating to much on her son, Gabby hadn't even looked at her husband who was laying silently on the bed in front of her. Jamie let go of his mothers hand and slowly made his way over to his father's bed. Acting on instinct he climbed up onto the chair and carefully made his way onto the bed. Unable to hold it back any longer. Jamie laid down in the small space between his motionless father and the edge of the bed and rested he's head gently on his shoulder. As the urge to cry was coming to him stronger and stronger with every second that passed, he tried to do the thing that Matt always did to him when he was scared or frightened. So Jamie leaned up on his shoulder and touched his lips to his father's temple. It came out as a whisper because of the knot that was in his throat but Jamie fought back with everything he had to stop himself from crying. "You're going to be okay dad." He whispered into the silence of the room. "I love you."