" Why did we come to visit Daniel's grave, Alex?" Nikita asked with pain and confusion obvious in her voice.
" It is time for me to meet the man who stole your heart. Talk to me about him." Alex replied seriously without giving Nikita any direct answer about the reason why they were here.
Nikita stared at Alex confused trying to understand what the hell was going on. A variety of scenarios passed through her mind, each one crazier than the previous. She shook her head defeated, she couldn't make any sense so she decided to play along. Instantly, she felt tears forming in her eyes. It pained her to think of Daniel and the fact that she was responsible for his death, she would always feel guilty about his death, she had managed to destroy the person that she loved more in her life, just like she did with Alex. She had a bad record destroying her loved ones.
" Daniel was the perfect man. He was gentleman, kind and caring. He was mature and immature at the same time. He was lovely. He had a great sense of humour. He was polite, he didn't get mad easily, he was forgiveful. He was the love of my life. He was the best." Nikita said with a voice full of emotions.
" What about his family?" Alex asked softly not wanting to make Nikita feel more uncomfortably.
" He lost his father when he was 10 and his mother died before I met him when he was 21. He had no siblings but he had a best friend and he thought of her like his little sister." Nikita replied.
" Name?" Alex asked quietly.
" I don't know. He never told me. He said that her friend preferred to remain anonymous and she refused repeatedly to meet me. He had never given me much details about her. He used to wear a bracelet ' BIG BROTHER' and I can assume that she had one ' LITTLE SISTER'. He said that he wanted me to meet her because she was a great part of his life but her 'sister' didn't want to endanger me. He laughed saying that he had a thing for the bad girls. After he died, I tried to find her but I didn't know anything about her than her nickname ' Badass siberian tiger'." Nikita said softly.
She stared at Alex trying to understand what was going on. Alex was smiling sadly and she had tears in her eyes.
" You did find her." Alex said calmly.
" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused.
" Daniel's favorite food was fried potatos, his favorite color was blue, he loved Harry Potter, he would make funny faces to cheer you up. He used to make you breakfast on bed twice a week. He met you in a cafeteria opposite to your house. He proposed to you on 13th of August and he called you ' My light'." Alex replied and stared at Daniel's grave.
" For me, he was Dan and I was looking for you too, Nikita." Alex added and turned to look at Nikita.
Nikita was standing still in complete shock, her mouth slightly opened, her eyes wide.
" Are you saying that.. that you are.. you are the ' badass siberian tiger'?" Nikita gasped in shock.
" Badass because of the people that I worked for and because my true identity-Alexandra Udinov- is badass, siberian because I am russian and tiger because of what I was forced to do, so yes. Badass siberian tiger is me." Alex replied calmly.
" But how?" Nikita asked confused.
" It is a big story that you probably don't want to hear." Alex said softly. She didn't want to talk about this.
" Alex, I want the truth. Please." Nikita shouted devastated. She was struggling to get in the new information and to be honest, she had a hard time.
" Daniel didn't have a good record with girlfriends before you. His mother wanted him to become a true man. You met Daniel when he was 22, I met him when he was 20. Mary, his mother, had brought Daniel to the brothel and she had asked a young experienced girl, she chose me. They put us in a room and they ordered me to have sex with him even if he doesn't want to. Daniel didn't want to have sex, he told me that he wanted his first time to be with someone special. I respected his wish risking my own life. I didn't want to rape him and we worked together to fake our meetings. I explained to him what I was supposed to do to him and how he was supposed to react and feel. Then, I make him a little sweaty, he had push-ups on the floor. We spent the rest of the hour talking. He promised that he would keep visiting me, offering me an hour to relax, an hour to feel human, an hour without being raped and he kept his promise. After a while, we become friends. We spent hours each week talking and laughing. After a year I trusted him with my real identity and he picked up my nickname, he didn't want to call me Sasha anymore. Then, you came in picture. I asked him to leave and never come back, I told him that hanging out in a brothel wasn't a good idea if he had a relationship. I was extremely happy about him and I didn't want to ruin his relationship but he kept visiting and he shared your happiness with me. He told me that his girlfriend wanted to see me but I made it clear that I didn't want to meet her and put her in danger especially then that the plan for my escape was ready to be put in motion. I agreed to meet you when I was out of the brothel." Alex replied. She had promised Nikita the truth and she was going to keep her promise.
Alex took a deep breathe.
" One day, he came and he was scared. He told me that you kept secrets from him and he had the feelings that you might have problems with bad guys. He didn't know what to do. He was afraid that something bad would happen to you. His feeling didn't change for a long time. It only got worse. One night he told me that he might have been followed. I told him to take you away and run, I ordered him not to look back and run far away from everything and everyone, live the life that he wanted with you. He never had the time to do so." Alex added sadly.
Nikita was in complete shock, tears falling from her eyes. She didn't know what to think or what to do. She was just shocked.
" When I learnt that he was drown, I knew that he was murdered because he had had swimming lessons and he loved swimming and I moved closer the timetable of my escape. I had made two promises and I wanted to keep them. I escaped and I started looking for you. Soon I gave up because I didn't know anything more than your nickname ' my light' and that wasn't enough of a lead." Alex finished her thoughts.
" What promises?" Nikita managed to ask after awhile.
" To deliver a message and then avenge his death." Alex replied and stared at Nikita, her eyes shining full of emotions.
" I don't understand." Nikita said honestly.
" I promised to deliver a message to you and then kill you." Alex retorted seriously.
" What message?" Nikita asked softly.
" Give me a minute because I am trying to remember his exact words...my light, if you get this message then I have probably died. I don't know how or when but I know why and I need you to know that I don't regret it. I don't regret falling for you, I don't regret loving you, I don't regret wanting a life with you. I don't blame you for my death and I don't want you to blame yourself, either. The only thing that I regret is that I wasn't able to protect you. I don't know who those people are but they aren't good. I want you to run, baby, I want you to take care of yourself, I want you to be careful and stay safe. Please, I love, please take care of yourself. I love you.. I think that those were his words." Alex replied.
Nikita had fell on her knees now sobbing uncontrolably. She couldn't believe what Alex had just told her. None would ever understand how much she appreciated what Alex had just done for her, she had pulled away a great part of her guilt, knowing that Daniel didn't regret their love was a cure for her broken heart.
Alex knelt down next to Nikita and hold her face in her hands forcing Nikita to look at her.
" I am really sorry that I didn't make the connection sooner. I am really really sorry. He loved you more than everything and he didn't blame you, he never regretted his feelings. You were his entire life. I am sorry, Nikita." Alex whispered with her own tears running down to her cheeks.
" Thank you, Alex. Thank you." Nikita kept saying and launched herself to Alex hugging her tightly.
Nikita pulled apart after a while and looked at Alex.
" This is why you stopped talking to me?" Nikita asked seriously.
" Yes. When Amanda put that cranio needle in my brain, I relived some of my memories, the ones that made me feel afraid and scared. One of them was the day that Dan gave me this message. He accidentally mentioned the begining of your name ' Ni..'. The time passing, I have forgotten this detail and I was blind in my research for you. I stopped talking to you because Nikita, I have promised to kill you and avenge his death. My feelings for the woman who caused Daniel's death were so complicated that I couldn't handle them. I loved her because Daniel loved her, I wanted her to be happy because she had made Daniel happy but I hated her because she was the reason why Daniel died, she was the reason why I lost one more person that I loved, my big brother. Knowing that you were this person isn't exactly easy to deal with. It took me ages to deal with the fact that you killed my father, your connection with Daniel's death is just too much to handle." Alex replied.
" I am sorry, Nikita. I had no right to withdraw that information from you, I had no right to postpone the deliver of this message. I am sorry." Alex apologized honestly to Nikita.
" No, Alex. Don't be sorry. You had every right to take some time to compose yourself, you had every right. Thank you for sharing this with me, thank you for remembering Daniel's words, thank you for offering me this truth. Thank you, Alex." Nikita replied seriously. She didn't want Alex to blame herself for something that she didn't do wrong. Alex had every right to be upset. She had every right to take her time. Nikita wouldn't blame her even if she had never told her this truth. Alex wasn't obligated to follow Daniel's wish but she did and Nikita would always be grateful to Alex for that.
Alex nodded and moved her hands to her pocket picking the two bracelets. She handed one of them to Nikita.
" I think that he would love you to have this." Alex explained seriously.
Nikita glared down at her hands and she was surprised to see a very familiar bracelet ' BIG BROTHER'. She smiled softly and looked back at Alex.
" How did you get this?" Nikita asked confused.
" The last time that I saw him, I told him that I would escape in two weeks and that I wanted him to stop visiting so that nobody is going to come after him. He told me that if he couldn't be next to me then I had to promise him that I would let a piece of him to keep me company and he gave it to me. He died after 4 days and I escaped immediately after I learnt about his death. I screwed the plan, I had a mission to complete." Alex replied calmly.
Nikita let a small laugh to escape her lips.
" So you forgot about your plan and you just ran away?" Nikita asked quietly amused with Alex's way of thinking.
" Something like that." Alex replied seriously and her face darkened.
" What happened? Did you get out successfully?" Nikita asked worried noticing Alex's dark now features.
" Yes, I got out. But as I said, I didn't follow the plan and that had its cnsequences." Alex replied and looked away.
" Alex? What is wrong?" Nikita asked scared of Alex's denial to be clear with her.
" I don't really know. Everything happened so quickly. Guards started chasing me and I knocked one of them out. I took his gun and I kept running. Julian stepped out of a room and started yelling to his men. The whole security section was after me. They wanted me dead or alive. They kept shooting at my direction, two of their bullets found their target, I was bleeding to death but I kept running. After a while, they lost me. I had lost a lot of blood and I had startedd to feel dizzy. But I couldn't let myself to die before I completed my mission. I entered a pharmacy and I took two people hostage. They didn't have to help me, I have dropped my gun after 5 minutes when I couldn't stand to see their scared faces. I collapsed on the floor breathing heavily, slowly dying in front of them. One woman decided to help me and they saved my life. They offered me home but I was too near to the brothel and I didn't want to put them in danger so I ran away." Alex said her story.
" I never wanted to endanger their lifes. I kept tabs on them and they are fine but I will never forgive myself for endangering them, not after what Julian had promised to do." Alex added seriously and stood up.
She took out the other bracelet " LITTLE SISTER" and moved towards Daniel's grave. She knelt down before it.
" No flowers as I promised, big brother. I love you." Alex said and let the bracelet on the grave. She took two minutes to give her respects to Daniel and then she left walking back to Nikita.
" I will wait in the car." Alex informed her and walked away.
Nikita glared at her confused. The sudden change of mood had caught her out off guards. She couldn't understand why Alex was suddenly cold and distand again and she wanted to know what happened with Julian and why Alex was so scared. She sighed defeated. She would ask Alex later about that.
She put the bracelet on her wrist and walked towards Daniel's grave.
" You are right I would have liked your little sister. I will take good care of her, Daniel. I promise that I will protect her with my life, I know how important she is for you and I love her, Daniel. I do love her. She is important to me, too. She is the reason that I am still alive. I love you, Daniel. Goodbye for now." Nikita said firmly and kissed her bracelet.
Nikita took a deep breathe and moved to join Alex in the car.
" I love you." Nikita said seriously and closed the door while Alex started the machine.
Alex didn't say anything. She just headed back to Division.
After awhile a memory flashed through Nikita's mind and she looked at Alex in shock.
" You were Daniel's first, weren't you? He told me that his first time was with his best friend and he will never forgive what he did and said to her." Nikita said in shock and stared at Alex.
" Yes. He lost his virginity with me." Alex replied sadly. She didn't want Nikita to learn that she had slept with her fiancee but she didn't have the right to keep that from her.
" Did he .. did he rape you?" Nikita cocked feeing nauseau at the thought.
" Why did he regret what he did to you? What did he do to you?" Nikita yelled in the brick of insanity.
Alex pulled the car over. She couldn't keep driving and having Nikita yelling like that. She needed to explain what happened.
" He didn't rape me. He didn't force himself inside me but it wasn't something that I did with my free will, too." Alex replied seriously.
" And he regretted this night because there is one thing that it can hurt me more than the fact that I was a sex slave itself" Alex added.
" What is that?" Nikita asked confused. What the hell could be worst than the fact that someone was raped repeatedly from a large amount of people?
" My friends think of me like a whore. I have started to get used to it but it still hurts." Alex replied sadly.
Nikita felt like she was being stabbed in the heart. She had called Alex a whore and she had seen that she had hurt Alex but she had never thought that it would hurt her more than the fact itself. And unfortunately, Nikita wasn't the only one that she had hurt Alex like that. Meredith had called her whore a few hours ago accusing her for sleeping with Tom.
" Anyway, after his mother died, he got drunk and he felt guilty for lying to his mother about his... experience. He wanted to fulfill his mother's wish and he come to the brothel. We had sex. After that our relationship was absolutely broken. He tried to apologize but I was too hurt to listen. If he wanted to have sex, he could have just asked me. I would have made him enjoy. I had made strangers to enjoy, I wouldn't have problem to make a friend enjoy. But he didn't just want to have sex. He wanted to fuck a whore and he did it... He paid more than he had to and he left. After weeks, I gave up and I listened to him. I couldn't see him anymore so sad and I let him approach me again." Alex explained and rage was obvious in her voice. Even the memory could hurt her.
Nikita was staring at Alex with wide teary eyes.
" It didn't mean anything, Nikita. It was just a fuck that he had because he was in pain. It was meaningless. You were the one to who he made love for first time in his life." Alex added softly.
Nikita was in complete shock.
" How old were you then?" Nikita asked in complete shock.
" I think 15." Alex replied honestly. She didn't want to think of how Nikita must feel right now.
" Nikita, please, say something." Alex begged after a while.
" He was sorry, Alex. I am sorry. He told me that he would never forgive himself for what he said to you that night and that he didn't understand how you managed to forgive him and give him a second chance. He was really really sorry, Alex" Nikita replied not knowing what to say.
" I know. It is ok, Nikita. I have moved fward. Are you ok?" Alex retorted worried.
" I am not mad at you for having sex with Daniel, if this is what you want to ask" Nikita replied.
" No. It isn't what I want to know. I can't do anything for the past. I want to know if you are okay." Alex said firmly and stared at Nikita.
" I guess that you were right, I wasn't ready for the truth and I know that we haven't touched the subject of Amanda and Julian yet and you were right it is difficult to handle those things. But, I am glad that you share it with me. The good and the bad things, thank you Alex for offering me the truth." Nikita replied seriously.
" If you need to talk or anything, you only have to call me." Alex replied and smiled to Nikita.
" Let's go back to Division and continue the conversation with the other parts of the truth" Nikita said seriously and Alex obeyed.
They drove in silence for about half an hour and they were back at Division. They exited the garage and they were about to head to Alex's recruit bedroom and continue their conversation when they saw Sonya pacing nervously up and down the hall.
" Sonya?" Alex questioned softly.
" Thank God. Where the hell did you two go?" Sonya shouted relieved.
" Is everything all right?" Nikita asked worried.
" Yeah yeah sorry. Amanda called 15 mins ago and she refuses to turn off the call until she speaks with Alex. She is creepy silent and she is studying our movements closely and everytime she opens her mouth, she does so to tease Sean and Michael." Sonya explained the situation quickly.
" What does she want this time?" Nikita asked frustated and glared at Alex, who turned around and headed to operations with Nikita and Sonya on her heels.