" Tell me that Amanda was wrong. Tell me that you didn't despise me when they were hurting you like that. Tell me that you didn't want revenge from the killer of your father. Tell me that you didn't hate me." Nikita yelled on the brick of break down.
" Nikita..." Alex started in an attempt to calm her down.
" NO! LOOK ME AT THE EYES AND TELL ME THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE ME!" Nikita ordered.
" I can't.." Alex whispered after some seconds and looked down staring at the floor.
Nikita nodded hurt but in understanding and turned her back to Alex walking away from her. She appreciated Alex's honesty but she couldn't control the unbearable pain that she felt hearing Alex basically admitting that she hated Nikita for her past.
" You should better leave" Nikita commented turning to look at Alex with watery eyes.
" I don't think that this is an option. We will talk about it, I am not giving up on us wihout a fight." Alex retorted firmly.
" There is nothing left to discuss. You hate me for what I caused you and you have every right to do so. I understand." Nikita replied sadly.
" No Nikita, you don't understand. You have no idea how it feels to hate the person that you love the most." Alex yelled.
" Of course and I hated the killer of my father, Nikita. No matter what, he was my father! And I was totally broken and hurt when I learnt from Percy that my best friend, the person that I trusted with my life had kept a secret like that from me. You had lied to me, Nikita. You had looked at my eyes and lied! You didn't have the courage to tell me the truth not even when I talked to you about my nightmares. You lied to me, you broke my trust and that pained me! Learning the truth from Percy was the worst pain I have gone through in my life but I got over that. Why can't you move foward too?" Alex added sadly and stared at Nikita. She paused and took a deep breathe calmling herself down.
" Amanda was right, Alex. I am the one who hurts you continuously since the very first day that I met you, the night of operation Pale Fire. Have you even forgiven me, Alex or a part of you still hates me?" Nikita replied hurt.
" I am not going to lie to you about my feelings, Nikita. Yes, I used to hate the killer and I used to want revenge, I used to despise the person who murdered my father in front of my eyes, but I was always grateful to the person who saved my ass even if my life was turned into a living hell. I never blamed you about what happened to me after you saved me. I never hated you for saving me but I did hated the killer." Alex said softly. She didn't want this conversation to end up a heated fight and she was struggling to keep her tone calm and soft.
" When I learnt the truth, a part of me wanted to hate you. I wanted to hate you but I couldn't. My life was a constant internal battle. I wanted to hate you but I loved you, I wanted to take revenge but I wanted to forgive you, too. It wasn't easy to make a choice. But soon I realised that when I hurt you, I hurt myself, too. I didn't want to see you in pain, I didn't want you to suffer. I would have given up my life without a second thought for you even when we were in enemies sides... I tried so much to hate you, to persuade myself that you were nothing to me and make you suffer but I failed. I spend nights trying to bring myself to hate you, but I C-O-U-L-D-N'-T." Alex added firmly.
" You shot me, I thought that you hated me but I still couldn't hate you. I am not going to apology for loving you so much that I can't hate you. I know that I didn't react like every normal person, but I am not normal, Nikita, I was never normal and you should have known better than to expect normal things from me. I chose to love you and move on. I forgave you a lot time ago for everything. Why do you still doubt me? What must I do to prove you that I am by your side for real, without hidden agentas, without subpressed feelings? " Alex requested desperately. She was tired of trying to make understand that she didn't hate her. She didn't know what to do anymore to put some sense into Nikita's mind. She had taken a damn bullet for Nikita but Nikita still had difficulty to accept the unconditional love of Alex.
" Why Alex? How can you just forgive me? How you can forgive the person who destroyed your life? You were raped and tortured in the worst possible ways because of me, you have nightmares of me and because of me, you have gone through hell because of me, you had your soul ripped away from your body every day of your life because of me. I have betrayed you and your trust, I have hurt you with my own bare hands but you still forgive me... How can you just move on? How Alex?" Nikita retorted with pain evident in her voice.
The video of Sasha's birthday had rocked her world. Seeing Alex's younger self being tortured and raped mercilessly because of her choices had killed her. She couldn't look at Alex's eyes anymore. Everytime that she looked at Alex's eyes, images of Sasha's emotionless, empty eyes of the video flashed through her mind. She wanted to fight her guilt, but she couldn't. She couldn't manage to handle her guilt and it eat her up from the inside. She loved Alex with all her heart, she was the most precious person in her life and she had caused her so much pain. How Alex could forgive Nikita while Nikita couldn't forgive herself?
" Because I love you! I don't know why or how, I know that I love you and nothing can change that. I forgave you because forgiveness is part of love, I forgave you because I tasted the life hating you and I can't even stand the idea of spending my life with my heart filled with hate towards you, I forgave you because you gave me more than what you took away from me, you gave me love, family, my soul and my life back. I forgave you because I love you more than my own life. I forgave you because you are my mentor, my best friend, my big sister. I forgave you because I love you!" Alex shouted trying to illustrate some of her reasons.
She hoped that her words will leesen Nikita's pain and guilt. She wished that if Nikita understood what she meant for Alex then she would start healing herself knowing that she was forgiven for her past sins. And usually she could comfort Nikita and make her come around, out of her guilt mode, but not this time. Nikita's guilt had reached a new level. Hearing those words came out of Alex's mouth made Nikita's heart arching. She didn't want to be forgiven, she didn't want to be loved. Amanda's words kept echoing in her mind. Amanda had hit her target. Nikita's guilt was getting too much for her to handle.
" I can't do that. I am sorry, Alex, but I don't deserve your love." Nikita said firmly and started walking towards the door.
A few steps away from the door, Alex grabbed Nikita's arm and forced her to stop. Nikita didn't turn around to face Alex, she kept her face towards the door and her back turned at Alex.
" Let go off of me." Nikita ordered with gritted teeth. She didn't want Alex to touch her anymore, she felt like she was poisonous and she needed to protect Alex from her toxic effects, she needed to keep Alex away from her. For once in her life, Nikita had decided to protect Alex by keeping her away from her. She couldn't afford to cause any more pain to her little sister. It pained her more than she had imagined but she had to do it.
" Don't do this, Nikita. Please. Don't give up on us like that." Alex pleaded with tears in her eyes. After everything that they had gone through one stupid video was enough to break them. Amanda had succeeded, she had pushed Nikita's button like a maestro and Nikita's guilt was too high now to overpower. Alex didn't want to let Nikita run away from her. She couldn't lose her once again. She wanted her to fight for them.
Nikita tried to get rid off of Alex's hold on her palm but she failed. She turned around and pushed with force Alex's chest, but Alex was still standing there like a rock unaffected by Nikita's efforts.
" Let me go, Alex!" Nikita yelled frustated but Alex didn't listen to her.
Out of control Nikita pushed Alex away with all her force and immediately she ran away from Alex unaware of the impact of her attack. While Nikita walked out of the door running with tears on her face in the halls, Alex surprised from the force of Nikita's push lost her balance unable to stand on her sprained ankle and fell down hitting the side of her forehead on the sharp edge of the desk. She groaned in pain as she felt something hot and warm running to her face. She lifted her hand and touched her wound only to find out that she was bleeding. She tried to stand up and walk to medical but she felt dizzy and sat back down.
Meanwhile, in the hall Michael and Sean were talking anxious about their loved ones, when they saw Nikita running. Michael blocked her way and tried to take a hold on her but Nikita resisted.
" Leave me alone" Nikita yelled with pain in her voice and ran away from Michael.
Michael in shock glared at Nikita as she ran away and then at Sean.
" Alex" they said in union thinking that Alex would be able to answer their questions.
The two men started running in the opposite direction of Nikita. Their foot lead them to the recruit room, the door was opened and they decided to enter the room. They froze when they saw Alex sitting on the floor, her back resting on the wall and blood running from her forehead.
" Alex!" Sean gasped and ran to her girlfriend and knelt down next to her. Michael was standing still in complete shock.
" What happened?" Michael managed to ask.
" I lost my balance when Nikita pushed me and I fell." Alex whispered wth grave voice.
" Are you okay?" Sean asked worried as he applied pressure to her wound. Alex winced in pain.
" I could use some help to stand up and go to medical." Alex said softly and Sean lifted her body on his arms.
Michael and Sean took Alex to the medical and they waited for the doctor to come and inform them.
" She is going to be fine. She will feel a little dizzy but I think that she will recover completele" the doctor said and left the boys alone.
Michael looked at Sean with an apologetic look.
" I am sorry, man." Michael apologized for Nikita's actions.
" Go and talk to Nikita before she kills Alex the next time that she will lose her temper" Sean said angrily.
" Let's talk to Nikita together. Tom will stay with Alex." Michael replied and Tom came running to them.
" What happened?" Tom asked worried.
" Alex will explain. Take care of her. We will come back in a while." Sean replied and left with Michael in research of Nikita.
They found her in the training area taking her anger out on a punching bag.
" Nikita!" Sean yelled and Nikita stopped and turned around frustated.
" Sean, easy!" Michael ordered.
Sean took some steps towards Nikita.
" Go away, Sean" Nikita yelled and punched the bag one more time.
" Or else what? You will send me to the medical like Alex?" Sean asked harsh. He didn't want to be harsh with Nikita or make her feel more guilty but he couldn't control himself.
Nikita froze hearing what Sean had just said.
" What?" Nikita asked confused.
" Nikita, Alex is in medical." Michael said softly trying to maintain his calmness and prevent Nikita from running away again.