" Nikita, Alex is in medical." Michael said softly trying to maintain his calmness and prevent Nikita from running away again.
" What? Why?" Nikita shouted worried to death.
Michael glared at Sean who nodded that he should better tell her what happened. Michael could control Nikita better than Sean.
" Your force was too much for her sprained ankle to handle. She lost her balance and fell." Michael explained softly and tried to put a reassuring hand on Nikita's shoulder that she pushed off. Nikita's eyes filled with tear hearing Michael's explanation. She had failed Alex again.
" I hurt her again..." Nikita whispered with shaking voice and pain evident in her tone. She was supposed to take care of Alex, to not let anything happen to her but she had failed her, she had broken her promise to her. Alex had suffered all her life because of her. She had hurt the person who taught her how to love and trust again. She had hurt her light.
" It was an accident, Nikita." Sean tried to reason Nikita and minimize her emotional pain. She knew that Alex wouldn't want Nikita to beat herself up like that and as Alex wasn't there to comfort Nikita, he wasn't going to let her down, he was going to fight his anger and fulfil Alex's wish. Alex was his number one priority and he was determined to love her and be there for her all the time. And now what Alex needed was Nikita back in her arms and that was exactly what Sean would fight for. He would fight for his future-hopefully- wife's happiness.
" Caused by me. How is she?" Nikita cut Sean off not being ready to hear anyone saying that it wasn't her fault.
" She is fine. She cut her forehead and she is a little dizzy but she will recover in no time." Michael answered her question.
Every passing minute with this broken Nikita made him more worried. He didn't want to relive the last time that Alex and Nikita's relationship was broken. Nikita was like a living dead, alive but dead at the same time. Being away from Alex and not knowing if Alex was alive or dead was the worst torture for her and when he thought that things couldn't get any worse, Alex had turned into Division and Nikita was a total wreck. She couldn't sleep due to nightmares, she couldn't eat, she didn't care about living or dying on a mission. Shooting Alex and then seeing her again at the ball had ripped her heart away from her. She was dead from the inside. And while Nikita was falling apart piece by piece Michael was standing there trying to comfort her and hold her together. And now he was scared, really scared because Nikita had this gaze like the last time, Nikita was breaking again as her relationship with Alex did too. He couldn't stand watching Nikita selfdestructing one more time. He couldn't stand seeing his loved one, giving up like that. He was scared.
Nikita remained silent staring at the floor. She didn't know how to react. She didn't know if she should be next to Alex or give her some space to relax away from her poisonous effects. She wanted so badly to hold Alex in her hug and tell her that she loved her but she didn't feel worthy of doing so.
" It is not your choice." Sean commented softly.
Nikita lifted her head up and looked him with a questioning gaze.
" If she loves you or not. It is not your choice. It is hers and she had already made it. Why do you want to fight over that choice with her? You know that you can't do anything to make her hate you. So, why are you still here and not by her side, holding her hand and telling her that everything is going to be alright?" Sean explained calmly with gentle tone.
" I can't do that to her. I can't keep hurting her. You didn't see the video, Sean. Every scar on Alex's body is because of me, every bad memory is because of me, everything bad that had happened to her is because of me. If I stay by her side, I would cause her more pain." Nikita replied sadly. She was devastated.
" And it belongs to the past. Don't let your past rule your present or your future. She loves you, Nikita." Michael retorted firmly.
" You didn't see the video, Michael. You didn't see her gaze when... when..." Nikita let her sentence to trail unable to form any words suitable to describe the horror that she had watched.
" You are right, Nikita. We didn't see her gaze when she was being tortured and raped, we didn't see the video but we are seeing Alex's gaze now and it has life in it and fire and love. She had a rough past that she didn't even choose of it but she chose her present and she chose you to be a part of it. Don't run away from her, not now, not when she needs you the most. Please, Nikita. You are hurting her by pushing her away. Just give her a chance. Don't do that to your relationship with her. Please." Sean begged Nikita with tears in his eyes.
Nikita took a deep breathe. She wasn't ready to let her guilt to slow down but she knew that she didn't want to hurt Alex more. She needed to apologize for her forehead and make it sure that Alex was okay. After that she could take time to think about everything but for now Alex was in medical because of her.
" I will go to see her but I am not promising anything." Nikita informed the guys and ran out of the training area.
" It is a start." Sean said turning to Michael who gave him a soft smile.
Nikita walked towards medical lost in her thoughts. She stood still in her tracks when she heard voices from the inside. It was like someone lecturing someone else. She thought that Alex was alone but obviously she was wrong.
" What the hell is wrong with you? You were supposed to be safe here, Alex! But you aren't! It is like you are on the field again!" Nikita heard Tom semi-shouting, semi-whispering to Alex.
" It was a stupid accident Tom. There is no need to make it a big deal." Alex replied firmly.
" You know that I am not talking only about your head, Alex. We both know that Nikita didn't want to hurt you. I am talking about everything." Tom retorted angrily.
Alex sighed defeated.
" Your nightmares had gotten worse since we got here. If you are so scared why can't you just talk to someone about your dreams? I can't see you with dark circles under your eyes any longer, I can't see you breaking piece by piece in front of me. Do something. Talk to someone." Tom ordered worried.
" It isn't that simple." Alex argued calmly.
" Yes, it is. You will just have to talk and let it out. You were supposed to be safe, Alex. Being around the people that you love was supposed to take your pain away from you. Let them in. Tell them what exactly Amanda did to you in Ossetia, tell them what she used to make you suffer. Let them in. Don't let them know the half truth. Give them a chance." Tom pleaded scared that Alex was walkinng a path without return.
" Give them a chance to do what? To feel more pain? I don't want to talk about Ossetia because it will hurt them. I can't do that to them. And being around them is a cure itself, it proves me that what Amanda show me, will not turn into reality." Alex retorted angrily.
" It was supposed to take your pain away, Alex" Tom repeated sadly.
" If it was supposed to minimize my pain, Amanda wouldn't have bothered to send me here. My nightmares had gotten worse because I am hurting them, each and everyone of them, not because they are hurting me. I don't want to keep hurting them, Tom. I don't want to be the cause of their pain." Alex replied devastated.
" You are not" Nikita stated firmly and stepped into the room.
Alex's eyes grew wide seeing Nikita entering the room. She had probably heard the previous conversation and she would have questions to ask. Questions that Alex didn't want to reply, wasn't ready to reply.
Tom smiled softly relieved because now Alex would have to talk about Ossetia and because Nikita was there by Alex's side. No matter what, Nikita was there.
" I am going to talk with the team and let them know that you are okay." Tom stated and left the room before Alex could protest.
Alex looked at Nikita with sad gaze.
" I am sorry for pushing you so hard. I didn't mean to hurt you." Nikita apologized honestly not moving away from the door.
" It is nothing. It won't even leave a scar. It was an accident." Alex replied casually and smiled at Nikita.
Nikita nodded slightly still fighting with her guilt.
" Are you going to stand there on the door or join me on the bed?" Alex added curiously and moved to the upper side of the bed making space for Nikita to join her.
Nikita laughed with Alex's tone and took some steps closer to Alex. She took a deep breathe and she sat on the bed as far away from Alex as she could.
" Stubborn" Alex whispered and gave Nikita a soft smile that Nikita returned.
" Does it hurt?" Nikita asked and pointed her finger to Alex's forehead.
Alex looked Nikita in disbelief.
" As I said before it is nothing." Alex exclaimed trying to use her words wisely. She wanted to say that after bullets, stabs, rapes, torture etc a stupid cut wasn't even the cause of any pain but she knew that an answer like that will send Nikita to another guilt trip.
" You have been through much worsee in your life to feel any pain from a cut." Nikita explained Alex's enigmatic answer.
Alex sighed defeated. Nikita was too stubborn to let the subject down. She was there beside Alex but she was also under her guilt mode and she knew Alex too well to find the truth behind her words. Alex remained silent looking away from Nikita. She didn't know what to say to take Nikita's pain away from her.
" I know that you don't blame me, but I blame myself and I need you to understand Alex." Nikita said suddenly calmly.
" I do understand, Nikita." Alex replied and fixed her gaze on her foot.
" Then why could't you just let me go? Why did you fight me?" Nikita asked confused.
" Because I don't want to let you go. It is the past, Nikita. You need to start healing yourself and move on." Alex replied.
" What if I can't?" Nikita asked sadly.
Alex lifted her head and stared at Nikita.
" Then, I will keep fighting for you until you come around and stop looking at your past everytime that you look at me. Move on and get rid off of your past doesn't mean that I will stand by and watch you pushing me away because you see at me everything that you regret. I am not letting you go without a fight." Alex said firmly.
Nikita froze in shock from Alex's words. She didn't want to admit it but Alex personalised the impact of her previous life, when she was a ruthless murdered, a fellow agent who complied without asking and hearing Alex freely saying what she couldn't admit t herself was like a stab wound to her heart.
" I don't see at you my past, Alex" Nikita said softly trying to comfort Alex. She knew that she gave Alex that impression but it wasn't the truth. She didn't see her past, but the impact of it and she regretted her past.
" And what do you see, Nikita?" Alex retorted a little harsh.
" Correct me if I am wrong, but I think that you still see a broken girl, a sex slave, a slut who slept with 1378 men and 514 women- according to Amanda-, you see what Division was and you think that no matter what you do, you can't change because the past can't be changed." Alex added sadly.
" You aren't a slut!" Nikita shouted angrily. She couldn't stand the idea of Alex considering herself of a worthless whore.
" I can't change the past, Nikita. You can't change the past and I am sorry that my being reminds you of your past." Alex replied softly and looked down.
Nikita sighed defeated and she took a sit closer to Alex, unsure of how she should put her thoughts in words.
" I am not seeing a broken girl or a sex slave or my past when I was Division. I see a strong woman with a rough past, who has been through hell and she somehow survived without losing herself or her heart. I am not pushing you away because I see my past, I am pushing you away because you were hurt by my past and my present and I don't want you to get hurt from my future, too." Nikita said quietly and forced Alex to look up at her.
" I am pushing you away because I love you too much to let you suffer more because of me." Nikita added and looked deep into Alex's eyes. Her heart ached when she saw pure pain in them.
" If I suffer because my choices, it is my problem, not yours. My pain isn't caused by you, Nikita. Don't push me away just because you are afraid that I will suffer. Please, Nikita. After everything that we have gone through, don't let Amanda win like that because of our past. My gaze in the video, my pain when I was Sasha, everything, weren't caused by you. You didn't rape me or torture me. You want to blame someone, blame me for not cooperating and Julian for breaking me, but don't blame yourself. Please, Nikita. Don't push me away." Alex pleaded with teary eyes.
" You are pushing me away as well. I thought that your only secret was Daniel but obviously, you have more. When are you going to tell me the whole truth, Alex? Are you even going to tell me the truth someday?" Nikita said accusingly.
Alex gave Nikita a confused look.
" I heard Tom... What Amanda did to you, Alex? What really happened in Ossetia?" Nikita asked seriously.