Hi guys. I am sorry that it took me a while. Grab pop corn, chips, a beer etc, fasten your seat belt and I hope that you like the next chapter. And guys, some of you have expressed the wish to kick my ass, please, for your best intrest don't kick my ass right now, I have to keep updating ;) ! I will wait for your reviews. Enjoy.
" You are pushing me away as well. I thought that your only secret was Daniel but obviously, you have more. When are you going to tell me the whole truth, Alex? Are you even going to tell me the truth someday?" Nikita said accusingly.
Alex gave Nikita a confused look.
" I heard Tom... What Amanda did to you, Alex? What really happened in Ossetia?" Nikita asked seriously.
Alex's figure got pale like a ghost, memories of the past coming crushing down to her mind. She dropped her head down unable to look at Nikita and remained silent not knowing what she was supposed to do. Ossetia was something that she didn't want to talk about, especially with Nikita.
Nikita watched Alex turning her gaze away from her, she was busted. She had more secrets that she didn't want to talk about. But why? Why Alex was so unwilling to talk about Ossetia? Alex's silence made Nikita more and more worried. What Amanda did to her? And why Alex didn't come to Nikita?
" Alex, I wait for an answer." Nikita ordered trying to wipe her fear from her voice. Did she really want to hear what happened to Alex? Of course and she did but was she ready to hear it? No, she wasn't ready to hear it and she knew it because Alex was too close regarding this issue and that was never a good sign.
" Alex!" Nikita shouted when she didn't get any answers.
Alex didn't even blink her eyes. She expected Nikita's outbrust. She wanted to let it out, to let Nikita in but she didn't want to hurt her and she knew that if she told Nikita about Ossetia, she would hurt her.
" No. I wasn't planning to tell you what happened in Ossetia. I wanted the truth to be buried, let it die with me one day." Alex said coldly with hate and anger obvious in her voice thinking of her days with Amanda.
" Why?" Nikita asked confused. She had never heard Alex talk with so much hate for a period of her life, even when she was talking about her days as a sex slave, she could hold her temper and remain calm. But not now.
" Because it hurts too much. It hurts me to talk about it and it will hurt you or anyone else to listen to it. It just hurts." Alex replied and lifted her head to look at Nikita.
Nikita frowned seeing the pain in Alex's eyes. She didn't want to press Alex more seeing her in so much pain even in the thought of Ossetia but she knew that Alex had to talk about it, she had to free herself from this burden, she needed to take it out, share it with someone.
" I don't care if it hurts me. I want to be there for you. Don't push me away just because you are scared that I will be hurt. This isn't what you told me before? Show me the way, Alex. Follow your command and talk to me. Give me an example to follow, Alex. Talk to me. Let me in. Tell me what Amanda did to you. Share your pain with me." Nikita retorted softly sadly.
Alex looked at Nikita with watery eyes.
" We don't have to talk about it, Nikita." Alex argued calmly.
" I think that we do. Tom said that you are getting worse. We are not really close lately but I can tell that something is bothering you and it kills me that you feel uncomfortable to come and talk to me about it." Nikita replied with a pained tone.
Alex stood up walking away from Nikita.
" Maybe there is a reason why I didn't come to you, Nikita." Alex said as she walked away from Nikita and hugged herself trying to feel safe again as images of Amanda and what she did to her violated her mind.
" I know that I wasn't there, Alex. I know that I made mistakes, but you could have come to me. You could have kicked my ass for being a bitch. You could have done something better than shutting me down and run away." Nikita retorted angrily.
" I am not talking about that, Nikita. I am not talking about our relationship. I didn't come to you because I didn't know how to explain you the situation, how to explain you what Amanda did to me and why. I didn't come to you because I wanted to protect you from Amanda's sick game. I didn't come to you because I didn't know how to handle your reaction if you learn the truth about Ossetia. I didn't come to you because I didn't want to see the pain in your eyes. I didn't come to you because it was easier to deal with it alone. I didn't come to you because I didn't want to discuss it." Alex shouted annoyed and turned to glare at Nikita angrily.
Nikita looked at Alex in shock. She didn't expect an outbrust like that but maybe she had pushed Alex too much. Alex had kept Ossetia for herself for too long. Nikita didn't know exactly what had happened in Ossetia but she could tell now that it was really bad and it gave Alex a hard time to deal with it and move on. Nikita, now more than ever, wanted to know the truth, she needed to know from what exactly Alex tried to protect her so hard, she needed to know how much Amanda had hurt Alex.
" You have to discuss it, Alex. You have to let it out." Nikita whispered defeated.
" You already know a great part from my time with Amanda. She made me relive some of my memories. Why can't you just be satisfied with that and you want to know more?" Alex replied calmly this time.
" Because what it is left unspoken hurts you the most. You can't bury it, Alex. You have to let it out. You have to share it. In Greece they say that a happiness shared is a double happiness while a pain shared is a half pain. Let me take away some of your pain, Alex." Nikita pleaded with watery eyes.
Alex sighed defeated. Nikita was too stubborn to let the subject down and move on. Alex didn't want to fight with Nikita over that again. She was tired of fighting with Nikita. If Nikita wanted to learn the truth about Ossetia, then Alex would obey. She knew that it wasn't fair to make the decisions for Nikita. She didn't want Nikita to make the decisions for her and she knew that she had to fulfil Nikita's wish on this matter. But she hoped that Nikita would change her mind, would open her eyes to Alex's denial to talk about Ossetia and understand that Alex had remained silent because it was for Nikita's best. Alex didn't want to hurt Nikita, she just hoped that Nikita would change her mind. But she knew better than surrender to false hopes. Nikita was too stubborn.
" After Ossetia do you remember how I acted around you?" Alex asked and turned her gaze away from Nikita.
" You were cold and distant. You didn't want to talk to me or communicate with me more than it was necessary. You tried to stay as far away from as you could. You felt uncomfortable around me. You were careful always stressed up, never letting your guard down." Nikita said sadly and felt her heart aching and her eyes filled with tears remembering the period after Ossetia and how broken her relationship with Alex seemed to be.
" What about your touch? How I reacted to your touch?" Alex asked softly.
" You didn't want to be touched by me. Everytime that I would try to get a hold on you, you would push my hand away and leave." Nikita replied not knowing why Alex kept asking her this kind of questions and not just tell her what happened in Ossetia.
" Why?" Alex asked cooly.
" I don't know. Maybe you blamed me for Ossetia beccause I didn't have your back as I should have. Maybe you needed time to heal yourself. I don't know, I thought that you were mad at me." Nikita replied honestly.
Alex took a deep breathe. There wasn't an easy way to tell what she was about to tell.
" No, not mad. Afraid." Alex corrected Nikita calmly and looked at Nikita.
" What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused trying to understand what Alex had just said.
" I was afraid of your touch." Alex replied softly tryinng to keep her tone stable and herself composed.
Nikita looked at Alex confused. Why Alex would be afraid of her touch? She was in shock and confused, unable to understand what was going on.
" Why?" Nikita managed to ask after a while.
" Are you sure that you want to learn more, Nikita?" Alex asked quietly. She wanted so much Nikita to take her offer and not ask anything more. She wanted badly Nikita to back off even in the last minute.
Nikita just nodded thinking that her voice would give her away and reveal her fear and agony. Alex was afraid of her touch? Whatever it was what Alex had kept from her was obviously really bad.
Alex went and closed the door, she locked it and then moved to the windows and closed them too so that none from outside could see what was going on inside the medical.
" You asked for it, Nikita. I am sorry." Alex said and took off of her tank. She unclapsed her bras and used her top to cover her breast.
" What... what are you doing?" Nikita asked confused and swallowed hard trying to control herself seeing Alex stripping in front of her. She was straight but everyone could admit that Alex was gorgeous.
Alex smirked at her. " Don't worry, I am not going to jump on you." Alex said sarcastically and Nikita rolled her eyes amused.
Alex certainly knew how to lighten a situation.
" They are on the healing process." Alex informed and Nikita looked at her confused. What Alex was talking about?
" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused.
Alex took a deep breathe and slowly she turned around, her exposed back facing Nikita.
Nikita left a gasp seeing Alex's back. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Alex's back was covered with scars and burns that formed several words.
" Do you mind if...?" Nikita let her sentence trailed.
Alex shook her head negatively and Nikita moved closer to her. She put her hand on Alex's back and trailed her fingers on her marks.
" Frustation. Hate. Betrayal. Hurt. Fear. Death." Nikita whispered as she trailed her fingers on Alex's scars.
" They will heal passing the time. Those won't leave a scar most likely." Alex informed Nikita.
" There are others that would leave scars?" Nikita asked worried and scared of the answer.
" One." Alex replied honestly, her back still facing Nikita.
" Can I see it?" Nikita asked feeling sad for Alex. What Amanda did to her was beyond imagination. Scratching those words on her body...
Alex let her tank to rest on the bed and put back her bras. She took a deep breathe and turned around to face Nikita, her upper body exposed.
" Pain." Nikita breathed and trailed her fingers on Alex's upper left breast, a little above from her heart.
" Why Amanda did that to you?" Nikita asked with hate in her voice.
Alex remained silent not knowing how to say what she was about to say. She needed time to compose herself and talk to Nikita.
" Why were you afraid of my touch?" Nikita asked quietly figuring out that Alex's silence had something to do with their begining point.
" Because Amanda didn't do any of these to me." Alex replied. She took a deep breathe.
" You, Michael and Sean did." Alex added sadly and sat back down on the bed defeated.
" I don't understand." Nikita stated firmly.
" When Amanda finished messing up with my memories and reprogrammizing me to take actions against you, she decided to enjoy herself a little more. I wasn't seeing Amanda and her allies but you, Sean and Michael. I had fought the influence of her brain surgery enough to know that it wasn't a reality but that didn't change what I was seeing. I knew that it wasn't you but I was seeing you, I never asked you to stop, I never called Amanda Nikita. I knew who was my torturor but I was seeing your face, your eyes." Alex started.
" I knew that it wasn't you but I spent two days being tortured by your figure, Sean's and Michael's. I needed time to adjust what had happened. This is why I didn't want you to touch me, because every time that you touched me, you reminded me of what Amanda did to me using your figure." Alex finished her explanation.
Nikita was in complete shock. Amanda had gone too far. She had crossed the limits.
" What did we do to you? Why those words? With what did we mark your body?" Nikita asked feeling nauseau. She tried to imagine how Alex must have felt being tortured by her loved ones, but she failed. The pain was too much to even imagine it.
" Sean would choose the words, Michael the tool and you would finish the job, choosing the place and scarring the word on my body." Alex replied honestly.
" What those words represent?" Nikita asked.
" What Amanda thinks that you have caused to my life." Alex said sadly.
Nikita backed off hurt.
" I don't agree with her. Please, don't start feeling guilty again. She was trying to break me, she wanted me to join her and she used every weapon in her hands to achieve that. Even Amanda knows that you have given me more than what you have taken from me. She did what she had to do, she twisted the reality to serve her goals. The reality isn't written on my back or chest." Alex exclaimed calmly but seriously.
" What tools did Michael choose?" Nikita asked. She was determined to learn the whole truth.
" For the back, knifes and heated metals, anything that could make the job be done quickly but painfully." Alex replied immediately.
" What about your chest?" Nikita pressed more.
" Nails" Alex replied softly.
" Why did I change my routine and scar you on your chest?" Nikita asked with a pained tone.
" You wanted me to look in your eyes when you scar the last meaning on me." Alex said and stood up walking towards Nikita, who backed off hurt.
" I have hurt you before. I have broken your hand and shot you. How did you know that it was Amanda and not me?" Nikita whispered ashamed of her past actions.
" You were too sadistic to be you. You have hurt me before but you never did so in order to establish your power or just to have fun. I know you better than that." Alex replied softly and lifted her hand holding opened in front of Nikita waiting for Nikita to take it when she is ready.
" But you were afraid of me when you came back." Nikita stated seriously.
" You wouldn't? Your touch had caused me pain. I was afraid of your touch, not of you." Alex replied.
" Why you didn't come to me Alex? Why you didn't talk to someone?" Nikita asked angrily.
Alex was about to answer when someone knocked the door.
" Open the door princess.." Birkoff shouted from outside.
Alex took her top and covered quickly her upper body and went to open the door.
" I have..." Birkoff said happily and froze when she saw Alex's semi naked body and Nikita's sad figure.
" You told her." Birkoff commented seriously.
" What do you have, nerd?" Alex asked not wanting Nikita to realise that Birkoff knew about Ossetia.
" I have the cure for your arm." Birkoff announced and smiled happily.
" Your team sent it in some minutes ago." Birkoff replied to Alex's confused gaze.
" Oh.." Alex said moved. She hadn't expected that they would keep working on that project while Alex was away.
" They had missed you." Birkoff informed Alex.
" I have missed them, too. I will see them tomorrow." Alex replied.
" Let's try the new cure." Alex suggested and Birkoff took out a syringe.
Birkoff moved closer before Alex could protest, he took her arm in his hands and pushed the needle inside her flesh.. Alex winced in pain but she didn't say anything.
" Good luck" Birkoff exclaimed thinking of how many failed attemps to find the cure had taken place previously.
" Yeah. I will need it." Alex commented casually.
" You knew? You knew about what Amanda did to Alex in Ossetia and you didn't tell me? You knew and you kept it away from me? I trusted you, nerd and you kept a secret like that from me? I trusted you." Nikita yelled frustated.