Chapter 3
Phil wants to have a word with me when we finally leave Fury's office. So I point… Romanoff… down a hallway, where her new sleeping quarters have been arranged. New recruits are kept together, and close to the main facilities to make finding their feet a little easier.
And even though Natasha isn't a rookie, and will only go through part of S.H.I.L.E.D.'s training program… well, Fury doesn't trust her, even after she vowed to help take down what's left of Hydra.
So I leave her to get as she settled as she can while sharing a room with five newbies, while I head to my handler's office.
Phil is pissed, well, as pissed as he can get when I do things behind his back. He gestures at me to sit down, and then proceeds with his paperwork.
"Oh stop the silent treatment. We both know you're not really that mad at me anyway," I blurt when my body refuses to just, be still. He finally looks up at me. His face showing what it always does; bland indifference. I still can't read him, and so I wait for him to speak.
"I'm not mad at you," and that's how you tell what agent Phil Coulson is thinking. It's in the way he says stuff, the words he decides to use. Not in his tone, but in his phrases… tells you more than he realizes. And right now… well right now…
It's a knee-jerk reaction and I hate when it rears its head, but this time I mean it with very cell in my body; "I'm sorry… Phil," even if I don't know exactly what exactly I'm apologizing for. He's disappointed.
"No Clint, you haven't done anything wrong. You've never disappointed me." I look back up at him, confused. But then why does he still exude disappointment? Maybe, "I failed you?"
He shakes his head, and looks me in the eye. "I'm actually stuck between ecstatically proud of you and heavily disappointed in myself," he tells me, letting true joy show in his eyes. Now I feel even more confused.
"Clint, I was scared you were getting too good at following through on orders. I was afraid that we had failed you, that we had taken you out of a bad situation, only to turn you into a mindless killer. I was afraid that the amount of sanctioned hits we kept sending you on was eating away at your humanity. I never wanted that for you. You mean more to me than that," he searches my face, making sure I understand.
I allow my thoughts to reflect in my expression. Finding what he's looking for in order to go on, he continues, "And then. Out of the blue, without my help or guidance, you go and save a life. If it was the life of an innocent, I might have understood. But you save someone with more blood on her hands than all of us put together. And I'm ashamed to say it, but I don't know why. You left me out of the loop son, and I'd like back in."
I understand now. He's fine with me semi-failing my mission. He's not okay with having no idea as to why. "You're not a bad handler Phil. My actions surprised even myself," I tell him, making sure he knows that it's okay for him to not always know what's going on in my head.
He nods, understanding what I'm trying to explain in as few words as possible. "You want to know why, and I can't exactly tell you, because I'm still not sure myself. All I know is; she wanted to die and I wasn't going to let her," I tell him honestly.
"She reminds me of me when I first joined S.H.I.E.L.D." I go on. When Phil looks like it still doesn't make complete sense, I reiterate our last heart-to-heart.
"Remember when you told me to find reasons to live? Well, you were the first. Knowing I would get to see you tomorrow if I survived today, it grounded me," I know this might be hard to explain, so I take a deep breath.
"But seeing her actually resign herself to dying, seeing on her face that she believed she deserved it? Well, it made me want to prove her wrong. And how can I do that when she's dead?" huh? Well, it turns out explaining it is quite easy.
Phil seems to mull over it, and then he responds with an actual, honest to god, smile. "Good," he tells me. But what he doesn't say tells me a lot more. That he understands more than I think he does. Back to being his normal, impassive cocky self, he kicks me out of his office as he continues with his paperwork.
I decide to go sleep the day off, but I want to check in on Romanoff first, so I go back to her room. When I step in I don't know whether I should laugh, get help, or throw myself bodily between her and the other girls.
She's threatening one with a spoon, keeping her cornered near the far end of the room, while the rest seems to be hiding in another corner, one delicately holding her arm close to her chest.
Instead of doing what I really want, which is to scare the newbies more just because I can, I use my trainer voice. "What the hell is going on here?" I ask, startling everyone except Romanoff.