So finally I found some time to type the next chapter. I hope that you like the chapter. Thanks for your patience and your support! Have fun guys.
" I will try to answer all your questions, Lena. Ask me whatever you want." Alex said looking at Lena.
Lena looked sheepishly up at Alex and she received a small reassuring smile.
" I know that you are a great dancer... I have watched your dancing. So why you didn't want to dance with Svetlana? If I got it correctly, dancing after dinner was something that you two used to do when you were young." Lena asked seriously.
" As I said before, I have eaten too much to dare to move any part of my body. My past has nothing to do with that. And yes, we used to dance like crazy with Sve, jumping up and down, spinning around till the time we couldn't take it anymore." Alex replied calmly trying to keep her emotions under control. She didn't like talking about her past but she didn't feel ashamed of it and she knew that Lena looked up at her and Alex wanted to be honest with her.
" Lena, what do you mean that you have watched my dancing?" Alex asked after few moments confused. She could assume Lena's answers but she didn't want to.
Lena looked away from Alex. She stared at her fingers not wanting to answer that question.
" Lena, if you want me to be honest with you, then I expect you to be honest with me." Alex said softly not wanting to frighten the teenager.
" Youtube." Lena whispered.
Alex stressed herself up in the chair as she was taking aback from Lena's reply. Nikita instantly squeezed Alex's hand letting her know that she is there for her. Alex looked at Nikita with watery eyes.
" Lena...Have you watched anything else regarding Alexandra from another site except Youtube?" Julian asked with a warning tone. He needed to know what Lena had seen, he needed to know if Lena had seen Alexandra under his touch or under anyone's other touch. He needed to know if Lena had watched Alexandra staring in a porn video. As far as he knew he was the only one who had access to Alex's tapes but in this kind of work you can never be completely sure about anything.
Lena's eyes opened wide hearing Julian's question, while Laura looked at Lena expecting nothing less but the truth.
" No daddy. NO! " Lena replied immediately and she blushed.
" I haven't watched anything else. I don't even know if there is another video of Alexandra on the internet. I had watched only one." Lena added firmly looking defeated. She couldn't believe that she had this conversation with her parents. She felt uncomfortable.
" What did you see Alex doing?" Nikita asked afraid of Lena's answer. She couldn't believe that Alex's past was posted on the internet. She couldn't believe that the horrors of her past will always haunt her present. She couldn't believe that million of people had seen Alex doing things that she hated, that she wanted to forget.
" Pole dancing. Nothing more or less." Lena replied softly.
Alex remained silent, her gaze dark, looking at Lena but not actually focus on her. She was lost in her thoughts.
" Alex, I am sorry. I didn't want to upset you." Lena apologized seeing Alex's pained gaze.
Alex was brought of her memory-trip hearing Lena's soft voice. She shook her head and put her best smile on her face.
" You didn't upset me. I just didn't know that my life is posted on internet like that." Alex tried to reassure Lena and she was telling the truth.
She just wanted to move on and never look back. She didn't know about the video that Lena was talking about and she didn't know if that was the only one or more videos were posted. To be honest, she didn't know if she wanted to know. Sometimes she felt like shutting everything off and lose herself in an alternative reality. She didn't want to be haunted from her past anymore, she didn't want to be ' the girl who escaped the sex slavery', ' the girl who survived the attack on her family', ' the girl who saw her father dying in front of her eyes', ' a secret spy who took down and then regain control of a secret organisation', sometimes she wanted to be just Alex. But she knew that this was just a dream. Alex was never normal and she would never be. She had accepted that, she had accepted her past, her present and her future. It was her life and she had decided to enjoy it without looking back, without regrets. It was her life and she wasn't going to waste it.
" If I were you, I would have googled my name. There are a lot of information about your life on internet, you are a person of great interest and your life is all over the internet." Lena suggested calmly. She was surprised that Alex didn't feel the urge to search what it was written about her.
" I am not sure if I want to know what it is written about me, Lena. I know that every normal person would want to, but I am not sure. It took me a lot of time to deal with my past and everything and I am not sure that I want to push my limits like that. I want to move on and not bring the past with me." Alex replied softly. She hated the fact that she was having this conversation in front of Julian but she could understand Lena's need to explore the abyss of Alex's life.
" I can totally understand that." Lena agreed with Alex.
For few minutes there was nothing than silence. Everyone were lost in their thoughts expecting Lena's next question. Julian was trying to keep his mask on his face and not blow up his cover, Alex was trying to remain in control of her emotions and not break down, Laura was trying to get in the new information, feeling sorry for Alex and admiring her want to live and move on and Nikita was trying hard to remain calm and not jump to Julian ripping his hands and head out off of his disgusting body, a task that was getting more and more difficult as Lena's 'interrogation' continued.
" Alex, I don't want to offend you..." Lena started sheepishly.
" I don't like how you started but please continue." Alex cut her off surprised by the choice of words.
" Why did you do it? Why did you become Sasha?" Lena asked quietly.
" LENA! " Laura and Julian yelled in union. They couldn't believe that their daughter had actually asked something like that. They were shocked by Lena's courage or stupidity. How could she ask something like that?
Nikita stared at Lena with wide eyes. Did she really ask something like that? Slowly she turned her gaze to face Alex and what she saw made her heart aching. Alex's eyes were hollow, empty of any emotion. Alex's gaze was dead and Nikita could tell that her mind was flashing to the horrors that turned her into Sasha, to what they did to her to break her.
" Alex.." Nikita started trying to comfort Alex but she was stopped when Alex placed a finger on her lips.
" You don't have to answer that." Laura tried to reassure Alex.
Alex stared at Julian, her eyes full of hate. Slowly she turned her attention to Laura.
" It is a rational question, Laura" Alex tried to make the atmosphere a little more comfortable.
" The truth, Lena, is that I don't know. I just broke. I tried to fight them, I didn't want to submit to them willingly but they broke me, I gave up." Alex said softly and paused to compose herself.
She took a deep breathe and tried to keep her voice stable, unsuccessfully.
" After months, I lost the battle, I lost hope. I didn't want to fight anymore, I didn't want to be in pain. A human being has limits, I have limits. I can endure a certain amount of pain, physical or emotional, but they pushed my limits beyond imagination. I didn't want to fight anymore." Alex said with shaking voice.
" I... I just gave up, I didn't have anything to fight for, they had killed every inch of my already broken soul. I wasn't feeling anything except from pain. I didn't care anymore, I had lost my soul. I didn't care for anything. I wasn't human anymore. I was just a body to be used. I was a heartless body. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. Tired of living in pain, tired of feeling nothing more than sadness and hurt and pain, tired of the nightmares, tired of the constant torture... They didn't just break me. They killed me. They killed my will to live, to survive, to dream, to hope. I didn't know what else to do." Alex added with hate in her voice and tears in her eyes.
She shook her head and looked at Lena, who was silently sobbing in the arms of Laura, who had tears in her eyes. What surprised her more was that Julian was looking at his daughter sadly and without his devious and arrogant grin. Slowly she turned to look at Nikita. She was afraid of Nikita's reaction.
Nikita was staring at her with teary eyes. Her eyes were filled with a silent apology and her hand was taken away from Alex's body. Alex smiled at her and took her hand in hers. Nikita tried to fight her but Alex was faster and she took a hold on her hand, with firm but slow moves she brought it up to her mouth and kissed it softly.
" Look my eyes, Nikita. Always look my eyes." Alex instructed softly. She knew that the life and the happiness that existed in her eyes were the only things in the world that could take the guilt away from Nikita's shoulders.
Nikita stared at Alex's ocean-blue eyes and managed to smile softly. She loved Alex's eyes, she loved to see life in them. It was her proof that Alex was well now, that in her hug she had managed to move foward and destroy Sasha and the horrors of her past.
" Do you want revenge? Do you want to kill them for what they did to you?" Lena asked quietly with a tone full of emotions.
Alex took a minute to think about it.
" No. I don't want revenge anymore." Alex said firmly.
" What? Why?" Lena asked surprised. If she was Alex, she would have wanted to rip every part of their bodies, cause them unbelievable pain and then kill them.
" I spend years of my life searching for revenge. Revenge from the killer of my father, revenge from my torturors and my rapists. For years, I built my life around of this purpose but finally I understood that revenge isn't a reason to live for. If you do so, you will never find peace, you will never move on but you will stuck in the past, you will let it shallow you. And besides that, if I take revenge on each and everyone of them, or only on some of them, then it will never end. The pain will never end. I don't want to continue this fight, I want it to end with me." Alex explained calmly.
" What do you mean?" Lena requested.
" I mean that they are human beings, too. They have families of their own, parents, wives, children... If I take revenge on them, then I will hurt their families and they will hurt someone else and it will go on and on and on." Alex tried to explain but Lena was too stubborn to understand.
" So what? You are going to let them untouched!? They...they..." Lena shouted trying to find the right words to continue.
" They are humans and they have families! It could have been your parents, Lena! It could have been your parents! Would you have liked me to come after your father or mother? Would you have liked me to take revenge then?" Alex asked. Her tone was firm and serious. She couldn't believe the turn that this conversation had taken.
" Yes! If my parents were such monsters, I would love it if you had the courage, the balls to go after them!" Lena yelled frustated and stood up pacing the room.
The adults were taking aback from Lena's furious answer. Laura was stunned, Julian was feeling guilty hearing his daughter talking like that about him, Nikita was trying to understand what was going on and Alex stared at Lena with wide teary eyes. She couldn't believe that Lena had accussed her of not having the courage to take down her father, she couldn't understand why Lena had reacted like that. Then the realisation hit her.
Slowly she stood up and walked up to Lena stopping her pacing.
" What is all that about, Lena?" Alex asked softly.
" I don't understand why you let monsters like that to live when you have the power to stop them... You let them free to do whatever they want, hurt someone else..." Lena whispered.
" It won't stop if I take out some of them. More willl appear to replace them before their dead body reach the ground, Lena." Alex said gently and cupped Lena's face.
" I... I... am..." Lena started but she stopped. She looked up at Alex and took a deep breathe.
" I am scared." Lena sighed.
Alex looked at her in understanding.
" You don't have to be, Lena. Julian and Laura will never let anything happen to you, I can reassure you." Alex said firmly.
" What if they are not here? You didn't have anyone to save you. What if something happens to them?" Lena asked with shaking voice.
Alex sat on her toes, keeping Lena's hands in hers. Quickly, she wiped her tears.
" You are right. I didn't have anyone to come for me. My parents were murdered in front of me and none knew that I was alive, none cared if I was alive. But that won't happen to you, Lena. I promise you. If your parents can't come to your rescue, then I will come. I will turn the world upside down, I will move the stars if I have but I will come for you. I won't let anything bad happen to you, Lena." Alex said softly and honestly.
Lena could feel the honesty of Alex's words.
" Promise?" Lena asked.
" Promise." Alex said and smiled when Lena launched herself into her hug crying.
Alex pulled herself back when she caught sight of Nikita standing up and leaving the room with tears on her face.
" Excuse me." Alex said and stood up. She gestured to Lena to join her parents and she went to find Nikita. It wasn't difficult to do so. Nikita was in the bathroom crying.
Alex opened the door and got in. She sat down next to Nikita. She didn't want to distrub Nikita so she waited for her to speak first.
" I had promised you that you would be fine." Nikita said after a while.
" I know." Alex replied.
" I should have done something better. I should have kept tabs more often on you." Nikita continued.
" You didn't have to. I wasn't your responsibility. You did what you thought best." Alex retorted calmly.
" The moment that I decided to save you, you became my responsibility. The day that I left you orphan, you became my responsibility. And I let you down." Nikita said firmly, tears flowing freely.
" You saved my life, Nikita. No matter what happened after you saved my life. Would you prefer me to be dead or alive with my past?" Alex asked.
" The question isn't what would I prefer, but what would you prefer.." Nikita argued and stared at Alex.
" Even when I was a sex slave, I was grateful to the person who saved me. Do you know why I didn't try to commit suicide and end it all when I was in those holes?" Alex replied seriously.
" No." Nikita said honestly and looked at Alex curiously.
" Because I had the memory of someone's wonderful brown eyes looking at me with love, because I had the memory of my savior promising me that I would be fine and I wanted to hold on to that hope. I survived because I wanted to see the eyes that saved me, the eyes that I have dreamed million of times one last time. I didn't let myself die because I wanted to look those eyes one last time if possible, I wanted to talk to that person and tell her that I was grateful that she saved me and that even if she didn't keep her promise, she was always there in my dreams trying to comfort me, giving me a reason to survive." Alex said and paused.
" Before you found me, the only reason that I kept waking up every morning, the only reason why I didn't let myself to die was the memory of your eyes. It was your eyes that kept telling me that in the end I will be fine, it was your eyes that kept telling me to never give up, it was your eyes hat kept telling me that life is worth living... My life wasn't what you wished when you handed me over to the chauffer, it wasn't what you promised me that night but it was a life. I hated my past, I wanted to end it but I didn't want my life to end before I had the chance to thank you. Thanks to you, I have a life, Nikita and those scars in my body and in my soul are proofs that my life is real, that I am alive and always I would be grateful to you for that." Alex added with tears in her eyes.
She had never spoken to Nikita so open but she couldn't let Nikita blame herself anymore. Alex felt vulnerable but with Nikita she felt safe, she felt that she could let her guards down.
Nikita was moved from Alex's words. She hadn't never heard Alex talking for what kept her alive or for what happened those years. She had never spoken about the horrors of her past if she could avoid it.
" Alex, did you recognize me the night that I brought you in?" Nikita asked with shaking voice.
" Yes and No. I knew those eyes but your gaze was empty, full of hurt and pain and regret when you brought me in, while it was full of happiness and love and regret when you saved me. I didn't know what to think so I just watched you and slowly your gaze was brought back in life." Alex replied honestly.
" Thanks to you." Nikita added.
" Nope. Thanks to you. I didn't do anything." Alex said and before Nikita could argue, stood up and offered her hand to assist Nikita.
Nikita smiled understanding that the conersation was over for now and accepted Alex's help even if she didn't need it.
The two of them exitted the bathroom and joined the others.
Suddenly, Tom came quickly into the room, walking towards Alex. He whispered something to her ears and Alex nodded as her face darkened.
Tom left the room in hurry.
" I am sorry but an unfortunate complication needs my attention. We will have to leave earlier than what we have planned." Alex informed the others as she stood up.
" I will leave the chauffer here. Don't hurry. Enjoy your day. In the car there is a last present for you, tickets for Svetlana's perfmance, please enjoy it. Laura please kiss the girls for me." Alex said smiling.
" I will, Alexandra. It was nice to see you, again. Thanks for everything." Laura replied smiling and pointed to Lena silently thanking Alex for taking away Lena's fears.
" My pleasure." Alex retorted.
" Lena" Alex said and took Lena in a bone crashing hug.
" I promise, don't worry. I will look after you, even when you can't see me." Alex said calmly and kissed Lena who smiled generously.
" Julian" Alex greeted coldly.
" I will walk you out." Julian replied and gained a surprised look from Alex and Nikita.
When they were out of the doors and into the elevator, Julian turned to Alex.
" Am I going to see you soon, Julian?" Alex asked calmly.
" No. I will... retire." Julian replied and smiled.
" Retire?" Nikita asked shocked.
" I don't want my daughter to want me dead to feel safe." Julian replied calmly.
" I see." Alex commented.
" I have done horrible things to you and I don't know how to make it up to you..." Julian started.
" Keep your family safe and happy, Julian and stay away from me." Alex cut him off.
" I will, Alexandra. Thanks for not hurting them." Julian said and Alex nodded in return.
When the elevator reached the ground floor, Alex and Nikita exitted it and started walking when they heard Julian's voice.
" I didn't make you a queen, Alexandra, you already were one...In the end I will become one of your fans Alexandra." Julain said laughing.
Nikita and Alex laughed with Julian's comment.
" You know Amanda was wrong.." Nikita mentioned happily.
Alex didn't have the time to reply because Tom catch up with them and they had to return to Division.
Until now the day had passed smoothly but the day wasn't end yet and Alex's war wasn't even near to the end...
Julian might be out of the game but Amanda isn't ready to give up and Alex's past has a lot of monsters except from Julian... I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think. And by the way, Alex is going to leave Division again! :) and Amanda will create as always a lot lot lot lot of troubles :)