CHAPTER FOUR
QUINN'S DECISION
Quinn's POV
You feel someone nuzzling into your chest. Your breath hitched as you breathed out "Beth." You feel the body still in your arms. "Oh Beth," you breath as you nuzzle your head against your baby girl's cheek; "Mama's here. Rest easy."
Your eyes slowly blink open fully expecting to see your daughter's smiling peaceful face; instead you see the startled face of a very grown Rachel Berry in your arms. Chocolate brown eyes widen; and sparkling with tears. "R-rachel?" You whisper.
"I'm sorry." She chocks out. She reaches up and touches your face, withdrawing her finger. You can see wetness on it. You didn't realize that you were crying.
You try to speak but you couldn't get behind the lump that was lodge in your throat. Bowing your head into the crook of her neck; you wept for the daughter that was no longer in your arms. You felt her arms wrap around your thin body; and you felt yourself being pulled tighter into her warm body.
You feel her warm hand against your all ready hot neck. "I miss her so much. I wish she was still with me. I wish that I kept her; and able to watch her grow every single second of the day." You couldn't keep the cries from escaping. Your arms tighten around her body. "Oh God what have I done?!"
Rachel's POV
You just hold her shaking body tightly against you. If this is what it feels years after giving away your child; am I strong enough to endure it? Can I be as strong as Quinn? You don't have the answers to any one of those questions. You wonder if there is an answer some where out there among the galaxies.
You feel Quinn quiver up besides you. NO! Your breath quicken. You gripe Quinn's back tighter against you. You just knew you weren't as strong as Quinn. That knowing your child is out there with a safe, and loving family isn't enough for you. You knew that you would no longer be able to function unless you had your baby right there at your side. Where you could look and see with your very own eyes that he or she is healthy, and very much loved.
What about Broadway? Without graduating from NAYDA is going to hurt your chances on the great white way. Having to drop out before the end of your freshmen year is by far the worst. But; how could you protect your child through the rigorous of what makes NAYDA ….. NAYDA.
You knew that you could count on Kurt to support you through your pregnancy. That he'll take your anger out on him by proxy – rather then having the child's father in the loft once more. He would gladly go out for three o'clock in the morning hunger crave every morning. He would gladly accept the addition to your little family. He wouldn't leave your side out of loyalty to Finn.
Santana you figured would be there throughout the pregnancy. But you couldn't see her in your child's childhood. She'll visit. She'll have long visits. But; she won't be doing the day to day joys of watching the child grow up.
Quinn? Now that was the question you have always asked yourself of. Ever since that first moment you caught sight of her across the park. The summer before entering high school. You wanted to go across the park and introduce yourself to the taller blonde – whom you could tell was half a year older than you. You always hopped that the blonde would become your friend from the first time you spoke – you dreamt of it for days on end. You kept a sharp eye out for her at the park – in town – and always in your own neighbored. But there wasn't another sighting.
Not until you entered the hall ways of McKinley. When you found her at a row of lockers. In an cheerleader uniform. You found the short red skirt was very flattering on her waist. You place a smile on your lips as you make your way over to her. Then you stopped dead in your tracks when she twists around to stare at you. Unblinking hazel eyes. You lost yourself in those eyes that were so hazel that they reminded you of gold.
Your eyes close at the feel of ice cold ice heat your full on. "Look at me Treasure Tail." A whiskey sounding voice commanded you. You didn't want to open your eyes. You didn't want to see that the blonde goddess was the one whom actually thew that slushy in your face. "I said look at me Treasure Tail." The harshness hit you full force. But something else hit you also. It was pure loneliness. Sadness. Fear. You open your eyes, and met the dead eyes of the goddess that you hoped to have made your friend. "If you ever try to speak to me, treasure trail, then just remember this moment. If you get in my way; I'll take you down." You listened as she spoke. You saw the sadness in her eyes. The fear. The pure loneliness. You decided to forgive her for this – and whenever she has to do it again. You promise yourself that you would never stop trying to be her friend.
You learn her name when one of the other cheerleader's slapped her on the shoulder; "Way to go Quinn Fabray. You keep this up then you'll be made head cheerleader before you leave McKinley." She sneered into your face. "See you later treasure tail!" She snared.
You never leave the hazel eyes which were staring into your own eyes. You poured all your love, kindness into your eyes; hoping that the goddess could silently read your promises to her.
"Get out of here treasure tail!" Her voice ordered you away. Her eyes pleading for you to leave her alone. You obey her and move away from the group of cheerleaders. That was the day you began to dread seeing the red of the cheerleader uniform. You knew that as long as your goddess was wearing that cheerleader uniform that there was no way that she'll want to be your friend. In that very first moment of your high school experience you knew that you were going to be low on the totem pole.
You tighten your hold against Quinn's shaky back as she was still weeping over her daughter. You couldn't think of anything you can do to calm her down. Expect to sing. Only when you opened your mouth for the first note this is what came out instead …..
Quinn's POV
"Do you remember back in Junior year when Sue managed to change the Cheerleader tournament to the night of the homecoming game? When you, Santana and Brittany had to quite Glee to please her? How when Finn finally managed to find you before you got on the bus to leave – and convinced you to be strong enough to quite – and rejoin Glee?" You heard her voice say softly in your ear. "How it was Finn whom gave you that strength?" You felt her breath on your ear; "No wonder why you felt the safety of his arms."
You felt her body heave up to yours; as she took a long shaky breathe. "I wanted to be the one to go find you. To give you the strength that you needed to finally do the brave thing. The hard thing. Too be yourself. Too be where you belonged."
You hiccup. You had managed to slow your crying from the heart wrenching – into whimpers. To finally stop. "When I saw you on that football field I knew that I had to have the courage to finally quite." You whisper against her neck.
"You saw me?" You could hear her frown. "I didn't see you until you came into the locker room to change for half time." Her right hand was moving around your waist to rest on the other side. Her fingers lightly smoothing your side.
"There was time to wander around. I unconsciously made my way to the gate of the football field." You tightened up at the memory. "My heart stopped when I saw you on that football field. In the middle of the huge tall opposite team of guys. When I saw you among our own boys – even with the other girls beside you." You turned your hazel eyes to meet her chocolate ones; "You looked even smaller than normal."
Your right hand and traced her cheekbone. "Promise me that you'll never do anything that suicidal ever again."
"There wasn't enough players to play. We had to have a chance to show everyone what Glee could do for the school." She threw in. "The guys wouldn't have crashed into girls. They may have been dumb high school boys – but they had enough sense not to cream girls. At least girls whom weren't Lauren."
"You could have been killed." You frowned. "You didn't belong out there on that football field." You felt heat rise as your fear; and your temper rose.
"We had a half time show to perform." Rachel stubbornly said. "I would have done anything to get to half time."
"Is stardom worth your death?" You demanded fire in your eyes. "You just have to have all eyes on you; don't you Rachel Berry?! Even through it could literally kill you – you just couldn't let yourself be in the shadows just one damn time."
"I wanted McKinley High School to finally see that the Glee club – the greatest loser club in that school – would help with the half time show – when Sue pulled her precious Cheerios from the game." She calmly replied.
You heated up. "They wouldn't have given a fuck if you were seriously hurt; Rach."
She looked straight into your soul. "I know that."
"Then why the hell did you risk your life for them?" You shook your head.
"It was for you." She whispered.
You blinked. "I was going to be on the bus – driven away from the damn game." Her fingers were running up, and down your right cheek.
"I knew that you would be upset if the team didn't have a half time show. Even through you weren't part of it. Or even on school grounds at the time." She replied. "Your school spirit was worth it; Quinn."
"I hate that school." You couldn't keep the snare from your face. "I never had school spirit. The only things I only really cared about was Glee, and you." You just realized what just slipped out of your mouth. You were done hiding.
Rachel's fingers caressed your cheek.
Rachel's POV
"I'm sorry for having awaken you." You whisper as you stare into her open hazel eyes above you. "I actually need to use the restroom."
Quinn blinked. Her eyes drifted over to her clock which read four am. "Only two hours of sleep. Seems right." She's murmuring. She moved off of you; and you missed her warmth. You missed her weight on you. But you knew that you couldn't remain in her bed any longer – not if you didn't want to accidentally wet her sheets.
You watch as she removed herself from the bed. You took her offered hand. "I'll be right back." You whisper as you feel yourself move closer.
"I'm not going to have you deal with the hallways at this time of night." She shook her head. Not removing her hand from yours. You just silently allowed her to lead you from her dark dorm room – well dark …. expect for the night lights in two corners.
You see that the hallway was lite in a soft dim light. "I think I could have found my way to the restroom easily." You chugged under your breath lightly.
She stubbornly shook her head. "No. It's not safe."
You follow her into the rest room. "Umm …. Quinn ….."
She stops and turns to you.
"You don't have to watch me you know." You let out a soft giggle. "So if you don't mind?"
A light blush graces her face. "R-r-right. You can handle it from here." She scoots past you out into the main part of the bathroom. "Do you think that you can hum or something? I can't go knowing that someone is outside stall just waiting for me." She brushes redder. "Sure Rach."
You found that you could actually go without Quinn humming. Okay then. Pregnancy is one interesting thing here. You wonder if you should ask Quinn if she managed to go in public bathrooms when it was quiet – knowing full well that other people were out of the stall; and having those people be silent also? You do remember reading in one of the pregnancy books you read during Quinn's pregnancy that uncontrollable peeing was due to the baby pressing down on the mother's bladder. Even at such an early stage as you currently were in. So you didn't have to ask Quinn if she peed in a quiet bathroom with someone else on the other side of the stall door.
Quinn began to hum a few seconds after you began to go.
You step out of the stall after you were finished. You look at her in the mirror as you wash your hands. "When I said never to leave me; I didn't mean quite literally." You softly smile.
"I'll never leave you." She promises looking you in the mirror.
"You'll have to leave me sometimes. After all you go to school in Yale; and I live in New York." You turn, and push the button on the hand dyer.
"I'll move to New York." She replied.
You turn quickly around. "No you are not Lucy Quinn Fabray." You shake your raised right index finger in her face; "I'm not going to allow you to drop out of Yale for me."
She sighs. "I hate it here."
"No you don't." You argue.
"You aren't here." She replied.
You sigh. "I'm only two hours away by train. We will visit more. I'm not going to allow you to drop out of a very prestigious university for me."
"There are plenty of good university in New York." She argued.
"We are right smack in the middle of the year; Quinn. No one is going to accept you at this late date." You reasonably pointed out.
"I'm not going to allow you to go through this pregnancy alone, Rach." She firmly replied.
"I'm not alone." You sigh deeply. "Kurt and Santana are with me."
"As if they are able to truly help you." She rolls her eyes. "Kurt has never lived with a pregnant woman before. Santana … she means well …. and with her being the middle child of eight … she has seen her mother pregnant plenty of times ….. but, she's not the best for you right now."
"Quinn ….." you begin with your argument.
Quinn's POV
"Look Rach, my mind is made up." You reach out and took her hand into yours. "I was going to finish out the year; then I would transfer to an university in New York next year any how. I'm just getting an earlier start now is all."
Her chocolate brown eyes widen.
"I have an early acceptation from New York University." You laugh as you shrug; "Apparently I'm lucky with early acceptations."
"Is it because you know that Beth is in New York?" She looked deeply into your eyes.
You smile and nod. "You and Beth are the only reason why I want to be in New York now."
"You won't be happy in New York." She shakes her head. "Not unless you find that your dream is truly is in New York."
"I'm not Finn." The harshness echos into the tilted walls of the bathroom.
She flinched.
"My dream isn't Yale." You speak in a softer voice. "The only reason why I wanted Yale was to prove to my father that even through I screwed up my life in my Sophomore year; by having a baby – that I pull myself up; and get into one of the best schools in the world. I'm done trying to prove myself worthy of that man's time and love." You swallow. "I'm never going to have it."
"Quinn ..." she reaches up to cup your right cheek.
"I don't want to be a trophy wife! Or a step ford wife." You whisper. "If I remain at Yale; then that's what I'll become." You step closer to her. "I just want to be me. Just me."
"Okay." She whispers as she pulls you closer for a hug. You rest your head against her shoulder.
Rachel's POV
You knew then that Quinn was making the right decision on moving to New York. When she first said it – your heart lifted knowing that she would be close to you once more. She'll live in the same state with you. Close by – after all New York University was close to the loft. But; you had to make sure that Quinn truly wanted to come to New York. That she wasn't running away from her dream of Yale.
You had to push her until you were sure. You held her a little tighter as you felt her relax in your arms once more. You couldn't keep the yawn from escaping.
She giggled. "It's best we get back to bed. Sleeping in the bathroom of the Yale dorm simply won't do."
You giggle also. You take her offered hand; and you two leave the bathroom. You allow her to lead you back into her room; and felt the night lights bay the dark room. You slip onto her bed with her following close behind. Resting your head on the pillow next to hers. "You can stay at the loft until you find a place."
"Kurt will have a fit." She sighed as she turned so she could face you; and rest her hand against your stomach.
"He loves you." You replied. "He'll be thrilled to have you as a temporary roommate."
"What about Santana? I know for a fact that my wild breed Latina isn't going to like sharing the living area." She couldn't keep the yawn from her face.
You winkle your nose. "She invited herself into the loft. We didn't invite her. She doesn't get a say. Sides I was hoping that you would share my room with me? After all my bed is big enough for two." You hold your breathe as you waited for her answer.
She stiffened next to you.
"Never mind. It was just a thought." You whisper. You try to keep the tears at bay. But some slipped down your cheeks.
"Oh Rach. No, no it's not what you think." She had lifted herself up; and was now trying to dry your tears with her fingers. "I was just thinking that I shouldn't make you feel like you have to offer the loft or your bed to me. I don't mind staying in a hotel."
You frown.
She sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have told you quite yet." She shook her head in frustration. "Damn it Quinn …." She was berating herself. "can't you do anything right?"
Your hand lifted and gripped hers. "Quinn, I want you in the loft. I want you next to me. I want to be able to be as close to you as we were getting in our final year in Lima. I want to be able to have an never ending sleepover with you."
She looks you in the eye. "Only until I find a place of my own. Which shouldn't be too long." She smiled. "Perhaps I'll even manage to find a place where Santana can live with me also."
"Okay." You whisper. You didn't want any of the hope to seep into your voice. Hope that Quinn would never find a place to live. You wanted her to live with you from now on. She was home to you. She was your family. But; you couldn't cling to her. You would lose her if you clung to her.
Finn did finally manage to teach you that lesson.
You knew that clinging to Kurt was all right – because he loves you. He's your family. He clings onto you just as much as you cling onto him. Kurt was the exception to the rule.
But; clinging onto Quinn Fabray will be the fastest way of losing her. For all time. You have to fight your instinct to cling to her. You have to have faith that she truly wants to be around you – on her own terms.
Quinn's POV
"I'm not Finn Hudson." You growl out.
"I never said you were. Not even close." Confusion was in her voice. "Where is this coming from?"
"Where it always comes from." You said tiredly. "Look; Rach. I'm tired. I know that you are tired also. Let's just get some more sleep while we can. My dorm mates are exactly quiet when they are up."
"Quinn. I demand to know what you mean by that comment that you use. Yet again." Her open chocolate eyes are trying to stare you down.
"I out spoke." You reply as you rested your head back on the pillow.
"This isn't the first time you out spoke the way you did concerning you not being Finn Hudson." Her tired voice spoke.
"Can we just let it be tonight? Just let it be." You plead.
"I'm going to leave it alone for right now; Quinn. But;" she holds her pointer right – and seriously being as close as you were to her; right in your face. "We will be discussing this in great detail Lucy Quinn Fabray."
"Yes ma'am." You meekly replied.
She scoots closer to you; and wraps her right arm against your hip. "I love you Quinn." She kisses your cheek.
"I love you too Rach." You whisper. You kiss the corner of her mouth. You managed to keep the moan from slipping passed your lips.
She smiles softly and rests her head on the pillow, and closes her eyes. "My baby is going to love their aunt Quinnie."
"Only my mother calls me Quinnie." You sigh as you rest your head next to hers.
"If he or she calls you Quinnie … you won't mind it." She laughs in her sigh. "But the baby will come up with his or her own cute nickname for you."
"Okay Rae." You watch as she slips into sleep.
"My fathers call me Rae. It's nice coming from you." She smiles.
"I'll come up with my own special nickname for you; Rachel." You whisper as watch her breathing even out. If you will allow me too.
Your eyes drift close and you slip back into sleep once more.
END CHAPTER FOUR