Chapter forty-five
Beginning of June 2016
Dean couldn't even think about it, forget saying it aloud. He knew what the doctor had told him but he didn't think he would ever be able to wrap his hand around it.
All he could think about was the fact that he was going to die. Oh god, he was going to die. This was it for him. He only got to have eighteen years, and they weren't such great years at that. Fuck, he was going to die. And there was nothing he could do about it.
"Dean, what's wrong?" Sam asked. "What did the doctor say?"
Dean had just gotten home from another doctor's appointment and for the past half hour, he had been sitting on couch not saying a thing.
"Dean?" Sam asked again.
Dean stared at the wall and did not respond.
"Dean, please tell me. I'm your brother," Sam pleaded.
"I- I- " Dean began but was unable to finish.
"You what?"
"I have cancer," Dean answered finally, his voice cracking on the last word. "I have cancer, Sammy." He repeated and then his body started shake as he started to sob.
Right away, Sam came over and pulled him into a hug. "Shh, Dean, it'll be okay."
Dean nodded shakily and pretended not to hear the sniffles emitting from his brother.
"I'm not going to leave you Sammy," Dean said when he had calmed and saw that his brother was still crying.
"I'm going to fight this," He added on even though he wasn't so sure.
Then, he wiped his nose against his sleeve and said, "I'm not going anywhere so stop your sniffling. And come here," Dean said before pulling Sam into another hug.
Later after they've talked about the treatment plan, which Dean and his doctor agreed to start after graduation, Dean again asked Sam not to tell Cas.
"Please don't tell him," Dean said, pleadingly.
"Are you sure?" Sam said hesitantly. "I mean, he would want to know and it's a pretty big to thing to keep secret."
"Yes, I'm sure," Dean answered sternly. "He doesn't need to be tied down here because of me."
"He's not going to be tied -" Sam began but didn't finish because Dean interrupted him.
"Sam," Dean said warningly.
"Fine," Sam retorted. "But just know I don't think it's a good idea that you've decided not to tell him."
Graduation
It had been several hours since the ceremony had begun and quite honestly, Dean couldn't wait to get the hell out of the auditorium. It was very humid and his gown and cap were itchy and he just wanted to get the hell out of there. He wished that they would call his name already because this was getting ridiculous.
And right about when he was contemplating on whether or not, he could run outside for a few minutes, his name was called.
He ran up to the stage, shook his principal's hand and took the fake diploma that was thrust into his hand.
Then he looked into the audience and when he located Cas, Bobby and Sam, he smiled and waved at them.
They waved back as he walked off the stage.
He couldn't believe he was finally done with high school.
Later that day
Dean, Cas and their friends were going to meet up later to celebrate their graduation. But before they could do that, Dean wanted to change and since Cas was staying over at his and Sam's apartment that night, he went with Dean so that he could leave his belongings there and also change.
"We finally made it," Dean said after he changed into a shirt and jeans.
Cas, who had already changed and was sitting on Dean's bed smiled up at Dean and replied, "Yeah we did."
"So.." Dean said.
"So.." Cas retorted.
"You're going back to visit your foster family, right?" Dean asked after a few seconds of silence.
"Yes, Anna and I are leaving tomorrow afternoon."
"And you're staying there the whole summer, right?" Dean asked.
"Yes," Cas said, giving Dean a confused glance. "I thought I told you that."
"Yeah, you did, it's just-" Dean coughed and scratched the back of his neck. "I'm just going to miss you, Cas."
At that Cas's eyes softened. "Oh Dean, I'll miss you too. But we'll text and Skype and before you know it'll be the end of August."
"Yeah and then what?" Dean asked as he put on his Keds. "Are you going to KU? Have you decided yet?"
Cas sighed. "I'm not sure yet. I was thinking of deferring like I told you but Anna might kill me if I don't go to college right away. Plus, I don't really know what I would do if I didn't go to college right away. How about you? Going to KU in the fall?"
"Yep, going to KU. Haven't decided on what I'll major in it yet though," Dean said and swallowed, hoping Cas wouldn't pick up on the tone of his voice changing. Cas didn't know about him having cancer and that he was going in for chemotherapy in a week and Dean was going to keep it that way, no matter what Sam had said.
"I'm sure whatever it is you'll major in, it'll be great." Cas smiled up at Dean.
Dean smiled back at him as he grabbed his wallet and keys. "Thanks, Cas but you're the one who's going to change the world."
"You are already changed the world for me," Cas replied.
"Cas," Dean said, turning away from Cas so he wouldn't see Dean wiping his eyes. "What am I supposed to say to that?"
"I love you would be nice."
Dean rolled his eyes but smiled gently at Cas. "I love you, Cas." Then he sat on the bed next to Cas and pulled him in for a kiss before pushing Cas down onto the mattress.
Cas kissed him back but then pushed Dean off him and said, "I love you too but we can't do that now. We have to go meet our friends."
"Our friends can wait," Dean said, winking.
"Dean, c'mon, we're already late."
"Fine," Dean said grumpily. "But tonight, Sam better put on his headphones."
Cas rolled his eyes. "Assbut," He said before pulling Dean in for another kiss.
The next day
The next day, after Cas had left and they had said their goodbyes, he, Bobby and Sam had gone to a nearby diner for lunch. It was more of a brunch but Bobby had previously said that as long as he was living, he was never going to utter the word, "brunch." So Dean and Sam just decided to call it a lunch and then called up Bobby to see if he would be able to come.
After they were seated in their booth and ordered their meals, Bobby bombarded Dean with all types of questions.
"I'm okay right now," Dean answered as he sipped on his coffee.
Bobby nodded. "And when are you starting treatment?"
"Next week," Dean replied shortly.
"You know I heard that the sooner you start treatment, the higher your chances are. Of course, that's not always the case but I'm sure you'll beat this." Bobby said and then kept on rambling on about the different treatments.
That was when Dean decided to stare out the window and not utter a word.
Sam coughed. "Bobby."
Bobby turned around glance at Sam, who had nodded in Dean's direction. "I don't think Dean wants to talk about it."
"Oh Dean, I'm sorry," Bobby said before adding on, "I just worry about you boys. I'll stop asking you questions. But just know that I'm there for you, son."
Dean cleared his throat. "Thank you, Bobby."
A week later
Apparently, Sam wasn't good at listening because at this moment, Cas stood right in front of Dean as he sat in his wheelchair, waiting for his treatment to begin.
"You promised," Dean said accusingly and glared at Dean. "You promised you wouldn't fucking tell him."
"I'm sorry, okay." Sam threw his hands in the air. "But I knew you would need him and I couldn't stand to see you in pain."
"Plus you've been really grumpy the past week," Sam added on.
Dean glared again at his brother and then glanced at Cas. "Can we talk privately?" He darted his eyes at Sam, who got the hint and walked out of the hospital room.
"So Sam told you, huh?"
"Yeah, he did and you know what I want to know?" Cas crossed his arms. "When the fuck were you planning on telling me?"
"Hmm, let me think," Dean point his fingers onto his chin as if contemplating on how to answer the question. Then he spat out, "Maybe never."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
"So you weren't going to tell your boyfriend of two years that you've been diagnosed with lung cancer?" Cas uncrossed his arms, then crossed them again. "You didn't think I should know."
Dean narrowed his eyes at Cas. "No, I didn't," Dean said. "I didn't think you should know that." He hoped Cas couldn't read through his lies. He didn't want Cas to stay. Cas shouldn't needed shouldn't be here. He needed to be spending time with his foster family and then getting ready for college or his gap year, whichever he had decided. Dean couldn't ruin that, no matter how much he wanted Cas to stay.
Cas sighed and asked, "Dean, why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Being an ass."
"I'm not being an ass, I just don't want you here," Dean replied curtly.
"You really don't want me here?"
"Yes," Dean lied.
"Okay, if that's truly what you want- "
"It is."
"Then, I'll leave."
"You do that."
Cas glanced back at Dean sitting in the bed. He looked so small and all he wanted to do was pull Dean in his arms but if Dean wanted him to leave, he would do that. "Fine, I'll leave." He grabbed the door handle but before he opened the door, he said, "Just know, I'll always be there for you if you need me."
Dean did not respond.
Outside in the hospital hall
Sam got up from the couch he was sitting in and approached Cas.
"So did you talk to him?" Sam asked.
"Yes."
"And?"
"And I'm leaving." Cas said before he turned and started to walk to the elevator.
Sam walked quickly to catch up with Cas before he got on the elevator. "What? What the hell, Cas?"
Cas sighed. "I'm sorry, Sam but your brother said he doesn't want me here."
"C'mon, Cas, he's obviously lying." Sam said. "I love my brother but sometimes he can be such a stupid martyr. You have to know that this whole 'I don't need you here' is just a bunch of bullshit to get you to leave so he doesn't feel guilty about keeping you here."
Cas shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not but no matter how much I want to stay, he wants me to leave and I love him so I'll do anything I can to make him happy and right now if he wants me to leave, I'll respect that."
Sam's expression softened. "Cas," He said gently.
The elevator had just arrived and Cas stepped into it. Before the doors closed, Cas said, "I'm sorry Sam but I have to go."
Back in the hospital room
After Cas had left, Dean looked out the small window and saw a couple walking by holding hands with their toddler.
Dean thought that once upon a time that could have been him and Cas but he shut that thought off quickly. He didn't want to think about what could've been.
He stared up at the ceiling and did his best to hold his tears at bay. He, however, failed miserably. And when Sam came back into the room, noticed him crying, didn't anything about it and instead just sat in the armchair next to him, he was eternally grateful.
July 2016
Over the few months after he began his treatment and more people became aware of his illness, Dean had gotten some visitors. Besides Sam and Bobby, Jo came every week, usually on Sundays though sometimes she liked to come on Fridays. Once, Dean teased her that she had nothing better to do than hang out with a sick guy on Friday but then Jo burst out in tears and Dean stopped saying shit like that.
Also, Sam's friend, Gabe and Dean's old swim team captain, Victor came to see him. When he arrived with Michael, Dean was surprised. Not because he was surprised that Victor was gay but because he truly didn't think that they would last. He remembered that Victor had been quite a player back when he was in high school and he and Mike had had an on-off-on again thing for quite some time. He guessed they had finally grown up and managed to work their shit out.
Anyway, a lot of people came to see him during those months. Even Becky came to see him. He was grateful to everyone who had come to see him and shown his support. Though Becky wanting to sing and do some weird spiritual song/dance had freaked him out a bit, he still appreciated her coming to see him.
Also, Ash and Alfie came to visit him. They came with a bag of goodies for Dean. Dean was grateful for that bag but also wondered how they managed to get it past the security guard and all the doctors on this floor.
He, however didn't comment on that because he had also seen that Ash and Alfie were holding hands and that was way more interesting than trying to figure out how they had smuggled in the bag of goodies.
"Well that's new," Dean said and pointed at their linked hands as he rummaged through the bag of the goodies. He noticed the comic book in the bag and took them out of the bag. He smiled but then recalled that night with Cas and then frowned, putting the comic books back in the bag. He didn't need a reminder of the shit he had done to Cas. God, he missed that assbut so much.
But Alfie and Ash were here and he told himself he wouldn't get upset in front of them. So, he pushed the bag aside, pointed to the linked hands and said, "So spill. How did tht happen?"
For the next thirty minutes, he watched his two best friends argue over how they had gotten together, neither one of them agreeing on the details and laughed along with them.
After Ash and Alfie were done telling their story, they stayed with Dean for another hour, playing cards and talking about different things. They talked about how college was so close yet so far away. Ash was going to MIT and Alfie was going to BU so even though they'd be at different colleges, they'd still be pretty close to one another.
A week after they visited, Ruby came by to visit him too.
She came to tell him that she had gotten into FIT in New York and was leaving soon. She said that he hoped he would get better and if he ever needed anything, she wouldn't be there. But then she winked.
Before she left though, Dean uttered, "Cruella," to which she responded, "Wilma." Then she smiled and before he knew it, she was gone.
Dean laughed at that reference. Ruby always knew what to say.
It was odd. They had never been close friends like he had been with Jo, or with Ash or Alfie but in a strange way, he'd miss her.
Then he remembered that Meg had moved to New York a few years back and he wondered if Rub would run into Meg there. He laughed as he imagined their conversation. Those two would make quite the pair.
End of August 2016
Two months had gone by since his treatment and Dean was getting better. He felt like shit of course, because of the chemo. But at the same time, he felt like he would actually get better. Like he had a chance of beating this.
Also, his doctor had told him about the new drug that had just been created. It was called Nyxveneter* and it was supposed to stop the cancer from growing and eventually eradicate all of the cancer cells. It was still in the experimental stage but because Dean qualified to receive it as a treatment, his doctor had recommended it to him and asked him if he wanted to try it out.
She told him that there would still be a forty percent chance of him getting the cancer back later on in his life even if would beat it now. But Dean thought that a sixty percent chance of never getting the cancer again was good and so he agreed to try out the drug. And so, he was scheduled for a consultation about the pill and about how he would have to take it.