! HI! I AM BACK! I am sorry for no updating for so long. I am not going to bore you with excuses, I will just let you enjoy the new ch! You should probably thank Ayushi for giving a little push in the right direction, bringing my inspiration back and significally helping with the writing of this and the following chs! Thank you Ayushi :)
p.s. Is anybody still reading this?
Have fun guys!
Alex was slowly walking back to her warehouse to meet her team. She had already called and told them to prepare the airplane to go back to Division. She needed her family right now. She needed her strength in order to continue to her last destination, to Sam Justin. Her steps were slow, her movements sloppy. The sky was dark, with thunders and lighting. It was going to rain soon. Her thoughts were troubled. Her mind running back to his last words. He didn't want to say his name anymore. His lifeless eyes flashing through her mind. His dead smiling face haunting her. Rain started to pour down her face. A storm was underway. The rain mixing with her tears that she didn't bother to swip from her face. The only sing that this woman was broken, her tears was left unnoticed because of the rain.
Because that was what Alex was. A broken woman. A woman that had just killed in absolutely cold-blood for the very first time. She killed an unarmed man, on his knees, crying and begging. She was feeling numb. The joy of ending his life fighting against the guilt, the absolute pain that it brought to become someone else, someone capable of such a horrible act. But she was a survivor and she vowed to herself that she will survive this guilt too, like she did with all the shit that happened to her life and made her who she is now. She will not give up. She will not surrender. She will keep walking, keep fighting, keep surviving, keep living. Because she was Alex and she was a fighter. She was a fighter because that is who she was molded to be, by her father, by Nikita, even by Amanda. She will survive.
Her steps brought her back to the warehouse where her team were waiting for her, anxious about another solo mission, ready to come to her rescue. They were her safeguard net. Her family. Like the people inside division were her family too, patiently waaiting for her return. She stopped, took a deep breath, looked up to the abandoded building that was their base. Putting her mask back on, she walked towards the warehouse.
A small smile lighted her face when she opened the door. Her team, her family were quick to surround her.
"Alex!" Tom shouted, running towards her, relieved to see her alive and safe again.
" Are you ok?" Meredith added checking Alex for any wounds or bruises. Anxious that she might be hurt. Her gaze stopping to the red spot on her blouse and her pants, her mind running wild thinking of bloody senarios.
" I am ok, guys. Seriously. This is not my blood, Meredith. I promise you, I am ok." Alex said softly, lightly touching her cheek, moved by her obvious concern.
" I just... I just need to take a bath" Alex added, her voice breaking.
" I need everything fucking information that you can get your hands on for one Sam Justin, current resident of New York" Alex ordered firmly before continuing her way. She didn't wait for their reply. She just moved towards the bathroom, closing the door behind her, quickly stripping from her clothes before starting a hot bath.
Her team looked at her nervous, anxious about her disconnecting behaviour. They haven't seen Alex like that again. They couldn't put a word to how she looked. It was like something snapped inside of Alex tonight and they were scared, scared that Alex reached her breaking point after all.
Alex stood directly under the hot water pouring down from the shower. Her skin red from the heat, it was painful but she needed this, she needed to feel something else than this constant pain that was eating her up from the inside, she needed to wash the warm blood from her hands, the blood of those that she killed, the blood of the man that she killed tonight, not giving a care in the world about anything else. Not even the fact that her soon to be victim was kneeling in front of her, asking for her forgiveness, regreting his past. She didn't care. Her only thoughts were that of revenge. She needed to kill him. To avenge. To destroy him like he destroyed her. And she did. She killed him. An unarmed man, kneeling in front of her. She did it. For the first time of her life she killed like that. Of course, she had killed again but it wasn't the same. In every other situation that she pulled the trigger or killed someone, they were armed, they were dangerous, they were lethal and she could justify it to herself. But tonight, tonight she didn't have the luxury to tell herself that it was self-defence, tonight she committed murder and it was devastating for her. Maybe Amanda was right after all, she was just like her father.
His eyes were tormenting her, more and more images of her latest victim passed through her mind, his eyes, his cries, his begings. It didn't take her long to start scrubbing her own body like a mad woman, trying to erase the disgust that was crawling all over her. The tears didn't stop pouring down her eyes and disappearing under the running water.
In the end she couldn't handle it anymore, with a sob from the deepest of her soul she fell on her knees, crying, crying for what she has become, crying for what she has lost in her life, crying for herself and crying for her family.
It took her 45 minutes to finish her shower. She slowly stood up, collected herself as much as she could. She looked herself in the mirror, she wasn't sure if she could recognise herself anymore. She took a deep breath. We have to end this Alex, we have to end it before it end us she thought to herself.
Her team was waiting for her. A plate full of food ready for her. They wouldn't take no for answer. She took 2 bites only to make them relax but she wasn't into this. She was tired, so tired of fighting.
" I want to know who this man is!" Amanda yelled to her people. She needed information. She had just witnessed Alex executing a man on his knees. She needed to know what that was about. But she had to be careful. She knew Nikolai, Alex's father for a long time, she had seen first hand what he was capable for. If Alexandra was making an apperance. She needed to be careful.
Amanda's thoughts were running miles away. She was wondering what made Alex do that. It was something that she never thought that she will live to witness. Alex was always fighting so fucking hard to hold onto some humanity, not to become a monster, to rise above everything that happened in her past. This war, this game just started becoming more interesting but extremely more dangerous.
"Nikita, Sean. Tom just sent me a message. Alex has ordered the team to prepare to head back here. They will be here tomorrow sometime, not sure when. He says that Alex is physically well but he is worried about her emotional state. He is not sure that she is ok. He thinks that something happened while she was on a solo mission, so he is asking us to not push her but be there for her if she needs us" Birkoff said to the others.
The Division team looked at him sadly, tired of being away from one of their own. But they all nodded, worried about Alex.
" I can't do this anymore. I need to know that she is safe." Nikita whispered brokenly. Her baby girl, her light in the darkness was pulling away, suffering alone. The thought of Alex, hurting, was something that she couldn't handle anymore.
" I know Nikita. I know. But we will get her back. We will" Sean answered quietly. He, too, was hurting but he needed to stay strong. He needed to remain positive.
There was only one thought running inside the mind of everyone in Division. We will be there for Alex however she needs us. She just needs to come back.
Two more hours was what Alex was thinking in her bedroom looking out of the window to the raging storm. Two more hours before we can leave this damn place and go back to my home, to the rest of my family.
Αlex just stood there, resting her head against the window and watched the clouds pass by, the rain still raging. The feeling of exhaustion was overwhelming but she knew she couldn't give up just yet, not now. She was happy to be so close to the end, to soon be with her family, to marry Sean and probably someday even have a family with him, but at the same time she was tired, tired of lifting this heavy baggage of emotions wherever she went, tired of the battle inside of her.
She sucked in a breath and wiped the tears away which threatened to fall off. She would not break down, not now. She needed to focus on being strong to keep her family, team and herself safe and alive.
A small smirk adored her face when she heard the door opening softly, someone was trying to sneak up on her. It was funny how her team always tried to catch her unprepared. It had become some sort of competition. Till now none managed to scare her.
Meredith was sure that this time she got Alex. Her mentor was so lost in her thoughts that there was no possible way that Alex could have sensed her and it was a good way to make Alex forget about whatever was bothering.
Meredith touched Alex's shoulder gentry pulling her gaze away from the rain pouring outside. She was surprised when Alex just looked at her like nothing happened.
"You knew it was me." She said in a calm voice, pouting and focused on the rain too.
"Always." Alex said smiled at her. They stood there in silence, looking out of the window. Partly being content in the silence and partly waiting for the other one to break the silence.
"I killed him." Alex admitted and Meredith reached down to hold Alex's hand.
"It's okay." Was all she said and Alex didn't need any other words. She was just grateful for having Meredith and the rest of the team as a part of her life in one way or the other.
Meredith wasn't about to question Alex about whatever happened. She couldn't judge Alex when she herself was ready to execute Nikita a few years ago. She could see the far look of Alex and she guessed that it was more of an execution and less than a fight. But she was ok with that. She was going to be there for her any way that Alex needed her.
" Are you ready?" Meredith asked after a few minutes.
" Yes" Alex replied.
" Let's go then" Meredith said squizing Alex's hand one last time before leaving the room and walking towards the exit. The plane back to Division was ready to start its journey.
5 hours later...
" where are everyone?" Alex asked next to Tom walking through the unusual silent corridors of Division.
A young agent stopped when he heard Alex talking.
" Amanda called" He replied immediately continuing doing his work.
Alex and Tom looked at each other concerned and then they took off towards the control room. Alex was grateful that she insisted that her team should rest and they weren't with them right now. She didn't need any more confrontations.
They reached the control room in no time. They took a deep breath and pushed the door opened. Alex instantly felt sick when she was greeted by Amanda's smirking eyes, her eyes holding the gaze of victory.
" Ahh, Alexandra Udinov, the person that I was looking for. Welcome back, Alexandra" Amanda said when she saw Alex entering the control room.
Alex could feel all her eyes on her but she didn't even flinch, her gaze firm and sure locking with Amanda's one.
Welcome back, Alexandra the meaning wasn't lost on any of them.. Amanda was on her game mood again. It was time to see if she was going to win this part of the game.
Hi again! This was more of a filler ch! I have already started working on the next one so hopefully I will update soon. If you are still reading this then let me know how the confrontation with Amanda will go in your opinion. :)