Chapter 52: Determined
Peeta and Katniss are preparing to return to District 12 two days after the doctor has given them the diagnosis. Dr Davies arranged for the xray and scan which showed the inner structure of Pik's ears had failed to develop. There was no possibility of repairing the damage the drugs had done. Katniss has operated in a kind of daze since the diagnosis, still trying to digest the news. She holds Pik closer and touches him more often, kissing him all over so he knows how much she loves him and how sorry she is that this has happened to him. Peeta watches her and sees that his words have had an impact on her. Katniss is still very teary, but saves her tears for the times when she and Peeta are alone. These are the times Katniss feels free to express her grief. Peeta just holds her and sometimes his tears mingle with hers as they share their sorrow. They will rally, but both of them need to experience this moment before they can begin to move on. This is not what they wanted for their beautiful baby boy and it is something they can't fix. Peeta and Katniss must come to terms with Pik's diagnosis and decide how they will move forward. And move forward they will. Peeta is determined.
Peeta is also going to hide a message for Gale in the apartment which will give him the news of Pik's diagnosis. He hopes to hear from Gale, when the opportunity arises, and get an indication of what Gale intends to do. He knows it will be severe, and Peeta is prepared to support Gale in whatever decision he makes.
Katniss' mother is the only other person who knows about Pik for now. She is devastated as well. She tells Katniss that there are ways to work around some of the difficulties Pik may have and says she will send them some information so that they can learn more about what they can do to help him. Katniss is grateful for her mother's intervention. She really doesn't know where to start except for taking Peeta's advice.
In spite of her daze, Katniss' protective instincts have come to the fore. Metaphorically, she stands in front of Pik, just as she stood in front of Gale when he was being whipped in the Square in District 12. Anyone with ill intent will have to go through Katniss first to get to this child and her "go ahead" stance will protect him…even if it means coming to harm herself. She is not afraid.
Prim, of course, doesn't understand that Pik can't hear her and continues to speak to him in her sweet baby talk, telling him all the things she thinks he should know. She also tries to engage Katniss and Peeta who have become more silent since Pik was born. Katniss' mother has noticed this. She decides to bring it up with Katniss.
"Katniss, I'm not sure if you realize this, but you and Peeta have been talking less since Pik was born" she says.
"What do you mean, talking less?" Katniss asks curiously.
"You are not talking as much. Pik may not be able to hear, but that shouldn't stop you talking".
"I hadn't noticed" says Katniss genuinely unaware of the lack of conversation. She had been so focused on the importance of touch for Pik that she hadn't considered how silent she had become.
"Well, I think Prim has. I can see her trying to engage you and Peeta in conversation. She needs to hear you and you need to keep talking to her. You don't want her to suffer because of what has happened to Pik" her mother says.
This is too much for Katniss.
"So now I am to blame for both my children suffering?!" says Katniss harshly.
"No, Katniss" her mother responds. "It's not about you".
Katniss feels it is about her. Her mother is judging her and criticizing her for what she is, or is not, doing. Katniss is angry that her mother is pointing out the fact that she can't seem to find the balance in caring for her two very young children.
"Well, it was all about you after Dad died!" Katniss retorts. She knows this is hurtful, but Katniss is hurting, too, and lashes out anyway.
Katniss' mother is silenced. After hearing the last part of the exchange, Peeta intervenes.
"Katniss, please. We're all struggling to come to terms with the situation. Lashing out at each other won't help anybody right now".
Peeta. Always the intermediary, the peacekeeper. Maybe he was in the wrong profession after all. Peeta should have become the Peacekeeper. That would have suited him, Katniss thinks bitterly.
"It will help me!" says Katniss.
Peeta realizes that there is no reasoning with Katniss right now, so he suggests that the two of them go out for a walk and get a bite to eat, giving them all some respite. Katniss needs time to calm down and think about what her mother has said. So does Peeta. They hadn't realized what they had been doing and it was important. This is their last night in the Capitol and Peeta feels that they both need to get out and escape from their concerns, just for a little while. He tells her to get ready and she tells him she needs to feed Pik before they can go anywhere. Katniss' mother makes herself scarce to give Katniss some space. She is happy to mind the children so the couple can have some time to themselves. They will get little enough of that now.
Katniss is still fuming at her mother as she gets ready. She angrily changes into some loose trousers and a white shirt, pulling a throw around her shoulders. It's Spring, but the evenings are cool and she needs to feel the warmth right now. She needs to feel Peeta's warmth. When she has finished preparing herself, she goes in to see Pik and gently strokes his face as he sleeps. Katniss bends down to kiss his cheek and then takes Prim in her arms and tells her to be good for her Grandmother. Prim gives her a big hug and kiss and then becomes clingy as Katniss tries to put her down. Peeta sweeps Prim up, hugging her and tickling her to make her laugh. He doesn't hesitate to hand her over to Katniss' mother after kissing her goodbye and hurries Katniss out the door.
They walk hand in hand and side by side, not really taking in the scenery as much as they are taking in one another's mood. The cool air is soothing and settles Katniss, causing her take Peeta's arm and link closely with him as they walk. As they pass the corner of a building, Katniss pulls Peeta into the side street and hides them both in the shadows. She leans against the wall of the building, breathing heavily, and draws Peeta close. He doesn't hesitate to lean in and kiss her. Katniss doesn't want Peeta to stop. She sees desire spring up in his eyes. Peeta knows it is too soon and tries to resist Katniss' entreaties
"Katniss…" Peeta says.
"Peeta" she breathes.
"It's too soon" Peeta tells her.
"I want you so much" Katniss says pulling him closer.
Peeta is conflicted. He wants Katniss, too. She kisses him deeply.
"Katniss, we can't" Peeta says as he tries to pull away. He understands that Katniss needs a release from her pain. He knows she needs comfort.
"I love you" Katniss coaxes him.
Katniss will have to accept the comfort of his words for now.
"I love you, too, Katniss" he tells her. "But, I want you at the right time, in the right way" Peeta says resting his head against hers.
Katniss knows he is thinking of her. But, she is desperate for the comfort that only Peeta can offer her. She needs him. Peeta knows. He feels the same. Aware of every scar on her body, appreciating every curve, Peeta will never stop wanting her. He breathes deeply, trying to stifle his desire as they gently break apart. Peeta keeps her hand in his.
He leads Katniss back onto the main street, where they find a small anonymous café and order some tasty Capitol food. Tomorrow they will return to District 12. It will be another new beginning. For now, Peeta hopes that Gale will get his note soon and that, somehow, they will quickly bring the nightmare of Snow's existence to an end.