So it goes with saying that only things I own with any connection to MARVEL I bought on Ebay or Etsy. MARVEL COMICS & MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE are their own creatures and I have nothing to do with either of them aside from the fact I enjoy reading or watching them, and am grateful for the ability to play in their world. I claim nothing, and I receive nothing for this, expect the pleasure of putting something out into the world.

You can also find this story on ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN under the same title and pen name along with a place to post suggestions.

Don't forget to check out the Photobucket album listed on my profile page too.

DAY TWO

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

WEDNESDAY, MAY 2ND 2012

1838 HOURS

SUBTERRANEAN BUNKER

LOCATION UNKNOWN

NORA

No, no, no, no, no, he can't know that!? How does he know that?! That was my frantic, almost panic stricken train of thought after he left me alone again.

I heard those words and I, I actually reached out for him, like I wanted him to come back! I did want him to come back. Why did I want him to come back? Why was I afraid to be alone again? Why did I think he would be better company than solitude? Every time I'm with him I feel like I'm risking my life with each sentence.

But I do want him back, because he knows my words, and nobody knows my words!

It's true. I never told anyone those words. Not even Clint knows about them, and he knows everything about me. But he doesn't know those, because the vision that came to me in here, it happened here. It only happened here, and I haven't spoken about it to anyone.

Having amnesia, on top of my other conditions I naturally had a few therapists as well. So when I thought I reclaimed something, it got discussed, and those words would have been on the list of things we talked about, and tried to figure what they really meant.

Because me being angry on a bridge of light makes no sense and couldn't be real, except he just quoted my god damned words!

No, no, calm down Nora. You gotta be calm, and think. You can't freak out, not now. Okay? Just think. There has to be a reason?!

I just need to to calm down. They taught me exercises for this, breathing and counting and building a happy place. I always thought it was so silly that they called it that, a happy place. It sounded so unofficial, I get that 'that' is why they call it that now. A casual, unobtrusive, easy kind of comfort.

I have a happy place. I'm laying in the grass of a wheat field. I'm by myself, but I'm not alone. There's a woman, and a child. I'm the woman, and the child. Its not a metaphor. I'm really both. I can feel myself holding my own hand. The hand of the adult is wrapped around the tiny one of the little girl with a face too similar to be any but mine.

We are both just laying there, kept safe and secure by our happiness, and the green guardianship of the spring fields. We're in dresses, such pretty purple flowing dresses, light like the colors of flowers in the new spring season, and its warm air carrying the fresh scents on the breeze.

And the little version of me, she's yawning now because somehow I know, a moment ago, I was was running and giggling in joy with older me. We were playing, because everything is safe in this place, and nothing could take away our happiness. This is a golden kingdom of peace. I know it, it's what it has always been.

And I'm humming myself a lullaby, because little me is so tired, and her eyes can barely stay open enough for me to even see the whites of them, and I don't want to let 'her' see me cry.

I can't hang on to it! Its a beautiful illusion, and its peaceful and perfect, and everything a sanctuary should be, but those child like eyelashes just make me want to cry. I can't figure out why it hurts so much or why I can't stop the anger welling up again.

It feels like some great injustice and I don't have a clue as to why. It makes me want to hurt something too, and that scares me! I feel like, if something was foolish enough to give me its throat, I'd rip it out, and that isn't me. It isn't, it can't be, I don't want it to be!

I didn't even realize I had something in my hand, until it wasn't in my hand, and my ears heard the sound of something shattering. I think I just 'murdered' a jar, but I think it's okay because it seems to have satisfied my wish and I'm not going to be alone anymore. I can hear someone opening my door.

I didn't realize who it was until he spoke, but I assumed it would be one of my keepers, whether Duncan or Loki, I didn't really know or care. I was too busy trying to decide whether my sobs were going to be sad or hysterical, at least until I heard 'Erik's' voice.

"Nora! Are you alright, I heard a crash?" My reaction is a little pathetic, I know that even as its happening but it doesn't stop the laugh from leaving me.

"Oh Erik..." I didn't want his presence earlier, and I can see his concern that he worries I still might not. "I'm so glad you're here." But right now I'm more concerned that if I spend another second alone I'm gonna lose my mind.

All that concern washes away from his face in the wake of a goofy smile. "Oh honey, of course I'm here."

Listening to him like this is so heartbreaking. He chuckles back, like what I just suggested was something ridiculous. It sounds exactly like Erik's chuckle, and I want to believe it means he is still my Erik, but I lived through proof enough to know he's not, not as long as his eyes shine like they do.

"Are you?" He looks so confused by that. There's no gentle transition to his expression, it switches like a new frame in a projector. "Are you really in there?" Please, please tell me no.

"Oh, you think...no, no, no, it doesn't make you go away, it shows you the truth. I'm still right here, I'm just 'more' here. Understand?"

I really just wanted him to say no. I wanted it so bad. But instead he told me that a part, if not all, of him is still in there behind that glow. That a part, if not all, of Clint was still in there when he put a knife in my skin!

Living through that experience was bad enough for me, but now, knowing Clint might have been in there watching the whole thing just makes it worse! I liked it better when I could pretend it wasn't him at all. I shouldn't have asked that question, it stole that comfort from me.

That's why I choose not to look at those eyes anymore when I speak to him."Yes, yes you are." I chuckle, before another thought comes to my mind. "How are you here?" The look of confusion settles on his face rather dramatically. Its not a gentle shift in a facial expression, it's just another shift. "I mean here." I elaborate as I motion around the area. "In this room."

Now the confusion is gone as he understands my concern. "Oh, you don't need to worry about me dear, I'm very important to Loki, just like you."

"Yes, yes we're all very important to Loki." I mutter back. I didn't try to hide the frustrated sarcasm in my tone, but maybe I should have. He looks like I hurt his feelings just by saying that, and that's the last thing I want right now, is to drive my friend away.

"I'm sorry Erik, I'm just tired I guess." I offer him as an explanation, and despite it being a blatant lie he breaks out into a grin and buys it completely. Its heartbreaking to see him like this. He's not like Erik at all. "Can we just talk about simple things, like we used to?" But still, despite this pain in my heart, I don't want to send him away. I can't do it again, not with him smiling to see me.

"Yes, yes, right. Simple things" He rattles off quickly, striking his own hand in a moment of enthusiasm, and then he just stills, and lingers there. "... I... I can't think of anything." This time I laugh a little, burying the sadness behind the sound, though I doubt he would notice it anyways.

"That's okay." I tell him and motion to the chair in front of the desk. "Why don't we just sit? I'll think of something, okay?" He nods enthusiastically and calls it in excellent suggestion, then he turns and grabs a chair for me.

He refuses to sit himself until I take the seat he is holding for me, and let him slide it under me a little less smoothly than he probably thinks he is. He's treating me like a lady again, but I wish he wouldn't, I wish he'd just treat me like me.

I wonder if I'll ever get to be me again. The thought is hollow enough, until I start to think about. When did I stop thinking of myself as me? I want to pigeon hole that thought into the belief it's a lie, but it's too true in my head and I can't make it fit. I don't feel like the same person who climbed that ladder and laughed. I feel like I'm on life support and my hand doesn't know what to do with the plug.

"Oh sweetie, why are you crying?" There's no real answer for that question, the one I want to give him I won't let myself. It is not me that is crying Erik. I guess I took too long not providing an answer because he ends up thrusting a suggestion into view of my downturned eyes.

"Here." He says as he jostles the bowl of pumpkin seeds encouragingly, prompting me to look up at him in red eyed confusion. "They have tryptophan, which helps with good sleep and lowering depression, they'll make you feel better."

The laugh sound much more like mine again and I cling to that this time. "Yes, yes I think they will. Why don't you have some too?" I suggest in return as I take hold of the bowl.

The sentence was innocent enough. I wasn't going to eat in front of him, and I thought nothing of it because we shared food in each others company before. I didn't think anything of it until he spoke one of the last sentences I would ever wish to here.

"Oh no, I can't. I'm not allowed to eat." And then the container just slides out of my hand to scatter its contents on the floor!

I'm not allowed to eat. That's what he said. Not that he didn't want the seeds, or wasn't hungry, but that he couldn't eat. He was being denied food! Oh my god! All this time while I was given...and he...

His first response when I dropped the pumpkin seeds was to apologize immediately to me like it was his fault and get down on his knees to start picking each one up and cleaning them off.

"Erik, leave them and look at me." He turns to me offering me a smile and agreeing to do that, in one second, then goes right back to worrying about those stupids seeds. "FORGET THE GODDAMN SEEDS ERIK, AND LOOK AT ME!"

The yelling, or the swearing, or both gets him to focus at last, just because from me that was so unexpected. I don't swear, even when Clint was trying to kill me I don't think I swore even once!

"Nora?" He says my name, with timid confusion in his tone as he rises back to his feet at my beckoning motion.

"It's alright, I just need you to come here and look at me." I tell him as I too stand up.

"O-okay. If that's what you want..." He mutters, still looking terribly confused and like he wants to go back to picking up that mess. I don't bother responding to his words now though because I'm too busy looking at him.

I didn't see it before, because I wasn't exactly looking right at those lying neon eyes. But they're not that neon anymore. The light in them looks dimmer, and I can see small flickers on his normal eyes peeking through as the color swirls around unevenly instead of completely encompassing them.

"Erik." I say his name first to make sure I have his attention, and I can see the gray flash clearer for a second with just that. Oh god thank you. But I keep my voice steady all the same despite that moment of joy. I have a mission here. "When was the last time you ate?"

"Uh, not since that coffee in the lounge." Not since the coffee! And he skipped his stupid lunch too, damn him for doing this to him! It's Loki, it's got to be Loki starving my friends. No one else would be able to make them ignore their bodies like that!

I don't know how I'm holding onto this calm appearance because I'm almost aching with this fury building inside my chest. "And how long ago was that?"

"I thinks it's been four days or more now." He offers, and the fact that he isn't even certain is what makes me finally squeeze my eyes closed and turn my back on him to keep him from seeing me like this. "Erik I need you to go get Loki for me right now."

NOTES FOR THE READERS:

Some of you may have noticed at the top of the chapter it tells you we are still in DAY TWO, however in the last paragraph of the story Erik says that it has been four or more days since they 'joined' Loki. This is not an error, and it will be explained in the next chapter.