Chapter Nine

Need You Now

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call, but I've lost control, and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now."

London is as gloomy and as grey as it usually is, usually have been. Being back here after years of living in the States brings him back to the past, makes him nostalgic and melancholic. But it also makes him homesick, makes him long for the cold Manhattan air, for the busy streets and worn out pavements. He even misses the smell. But most of all, he misses her,misses Regina, misses the feeling he always has around her, misses his home.

He makes good on his promise, he's been trying to get better for her, has been trying to get help. He's joined a group to help with his drinking problem and has even started to go counseling with Dr. Hopper. He's found a job, a part time English teacher at a local school and at an art gallery where he oversees and maintains the paintings—it's boring but it does pay his rent, and right now that's enough. He has also taken some night classes, starting on that Master's Degree he's been going on and on about taking for years. He's finally done it and had told Regina the moment he's enrolled himself in his classes.

He's heard from Regina of course, they've talked some since he's got here, but he does try his best to stay away, to try and find himself, but it's hard to stay too far away from her, not when his heart still beats for her. And so he calls her sometimes, has in fact called her some the in the past few weeks that he's been here.

Her voice is a balm to his aching wound and he finds courage and will to get back home sooner because of her, for her. He does love her so much, loves her more than he could ever describe and he feels the hole in his heart grow bigger and bigger as days pass by without her by his side. He tries to console himself with the thought that, someday, soon, he will be right by her side, a better man—one that she deserves.

But sometimes, the pain becomes too unbearable, his heart aching too much as he sleeps in his bed at night, not by her side, a million miles away from her. Most days he sleeps on the middle of the bed, not strong enough to face the fact that she's no longer there to share the space with him. He thinks that the bed is too big and too empty, and it is, it really is, and then he finds himself crying his heart out at the thought, until he falls asleep, tears streaming down his eyes.

Whoever said that boys don't cry are right, they don't—but men do, and he is just about enough of a man still to cry, to admit that the pain of losing her makes his heart ache and his soul be ripped apart.

Sometimes, Robin tries to console himself with staring at pictures of her in his phone, tries to memorize the face already engraved in his heart and mind. He traces every line of her face as it appears on his screen, traces every gentle curve and her beautiful smile he thinks about when he closes his eyes.

He misses her. God, he misses her too much it is almost ridiculous.

But this is for them, for her and for himself and he needs to do it, needs to be strong and carry on. And so he does, he goes through the motions of life stoically, with only one goal in mind and that is to finally, one day be with her.

Robin sighs as he rolls over the bed and faces her side. She prefers the right, always does, and he has always been willing to give her any side of the bed as long as he gets to sleep next to her. He hasn't called her today, hasn't for a few days actually, trying to maintain some semblance of control. He barely does so, but he tries.

It's just that it's difficult to try to stay away when all he wants is to be right beside her.

He reaches for the phone on the nightstand and dials the number he already knows by heart. His bill will be astronomical, he's sure, but it's worth it, she's worth it. He places the phone against his ear and hears the ringing. It's some time in the afternoon over there, he thinks, but his mind is too tired to think of the time zones and calculate the time difference. He just needs to hear her voice.

"Hello," her voice caresses his ear like a gentle touch and he breathes a sigh, feeling a smile of relief turning up the corners of his mouth. He misses her. He really does.

"Hi," he greets back, the smile on his face expanding. "It's me, Robin."

He hears her sharp intake of breath, no matter how little, and he feels his heart swell.

"Hi," she parrots, and it makes him chuckle softly. He can almost see her now, pouting at him and crossing her arms across her chest. "Stop it." And then she is chuckling along with him, and Robin can almost say that everything is right in the world again.

"Hi Regina," he repeats, and he feels like a fool for it, feels like he should say something more than hi Regina, like the idiot that he is. "I miss you." And of course, that's the first thing that should pop out of his mouth, why not?

"I miss you too," she says softly, and he could imagine her eyes going soft, her emotions pouring out of her brown orbs. He wishes he could hurry back to her, now. "How's it going? It must be what—quarter to two?"

He nods and then catches himself. "Yes," he answers with a sigh, he couldn't sleep, but she already knows that. "I was thinking of you."

She sighs and he knows that it affects her just as much. There isn't anything else to say, really. All the words have been said, haven't they? It doesn't matter now, anyway. The time and space are meant to heal them, and really all they needed is to let life take its course.

"You'll be back home, soon," she says with more conviction than he feels, and that makes him feel better. She always seems to know exactly what to say.

"Regina?" he asks, and when she hums in response, he smiles. "I love you."

He isn't afraid to say it, isn't afraid to let her know.

"I know," she says, and he hears the tightness in her voice, the tears that wet her tone, and her cheeks, he's sure. "I love you too."

When they hang up and he closes his eyes, succumbing to a deep sleep—he dreams of her, and that smile he misses so much, and he thinks that tomorrow is at least one more day closer to getting back right at home, with her.

…

Robin likes Dr. Hopper. He's a kind doctor who makes feel Robin feel like he's being listened to—and Robin knows it's his job but there is something about the way he seems to treat his patients that makes Robin feel like he's a friend more than his psychiatrist.

They talk about everything, about Robin's drinking problem, about his life in New York, about his life in London before. They talk about his past relationships, including the one he recently had and just ended. They talk about Regina, of how much that relationship has meant to Robin, and how much he loves her, and how he still can't move on from her.

"It seems to me that you've let yourself revolve so much around her," Doctor Hopper tells him on one of their sessions. He leans back and looks at Robin with a neutral expression.

"I suppose," Robin says with a shrug. "I loved her, I still do." It isn't really a question.

"Loved her too much, perhaps?" the doctor asks, making Robin narrow his eyes. What is doctor up to?

"Never," Robin says a bit defensively. "I can never love her too much."

"But you've just told me how your plans had to be pushed back, your Master's Degree for instance, had to pushed several years because there had been bills to pay and a life to maintain." The doctor pauses and looks at Robin square in the eye. "When I asked you why it had to be your dream that had to be pushed away, you answered me with a shrug and said because you love her."

Robin's jaw clenches. "What is your point?" he asks, his tone laced with venom. How dare this man?

"I don't mean to offend you, Robin," the doctor placates, sighing softly. "I'm just saying that maybe, before you give yourself to her fully, you need to rebuild yourself. Perhaps, you have been giving far more than what you're getting. Or perhaps, you've been giving away parts of you, to her, for her, until there is nothing left for you. It isn't to say she hasn't given much, or that she hasn't been giving at all…but perhaps it's time to think of your own heart than just hers? Perhaps it's time to build yourself up rather than trying to compensate for the lost parts with the other pieces?"

Robin's hands ball into fists as he stares ahead.

It's a food for thought, anyway.

His mind hears the doctor and agrees, even understands at a certain degree…but his heart says otherwise. It says that he needs her. He just needs her.

A/N: Hi! Thank you for reading! Hope you liked it! Brace yourself, Angst is coming ;)