Evening My Lovelies

There are a couple of things with this chapter I'm not entirely sure about so here's my early apology for them.

1. The ending - pretty sure it's not the best ending I could have written but I couldn't figure out how I wanted it to end

2. Athos - I'm pretty sure he might be out of character today but I don't know if that's just because I have him talking, a lot and he always seems the more of the silent type...

Notes On Reviews:

Deana: Thanks for the review - I'm planning to write some one-shots in between finishing this and publishing my next story. I can add that to my list if you want as I don't think it'd really fit with the rough plan I have for the rest of the story to include it as a flashback. Enjoy the new chapter! x

criminally charmed: Thanks for the review - No they didn't do that (thank god) We'll find out what he's holding back in a later chapter, worry not our boys will get it out of our pup eventually :) Enjoy the new chapter! x

pallysdeeks: Thanks for the review - Worry not my friend :) I'm just happy that you review at all, though on the plus side if you were a few chapters behind it meant you got to have a little mini binge, always fun :D Bwhaha I love the names you give the baddies :D We'll be learning what D'Art's hiding in a later chapter. Enjoy the new chapter! x

Tidia: Thanks for the review - He definitely has a long way to go. But what I have planned for tomorrow's chapter could help him somewhat :) Enjoy the new chapter! x

Debbie (Guest): Thanks for the review - Yay I'm glad you liked it, the image was too cute for me to ignore :D Talking hasn't solved everything but its definitely a step :) Enjoy the new chapter! x

watlocked: Thanks for the review - Why thank you :) *bows* Yay I'm glad you loved it, I couldn't resist all the comfort/brotherly love... especially after the like 90 chapters worth of whumpage I put our boys through. We've got a bit more comfort today but some of it is a bit of tough love. Yes I'm definitely planning Constance's return, I just keep thinking of stuff I want to have happen first lol. She'll probably be appearing either tomorrow or the day after. Enjoy the new chapter! x

f1gymnast: Thanks for the review - The image of him falling asleep in Aramis's arms was too cute for me to ignore so I'm glad you liked it. D'Art's got a long road a head recovery wise but talking about his nightmares was definitely a good step. Enjoy the new chapter! x

Maryg (Guest): Thanks for the review - Wow I'm ecstatic that you think my writing's worth a brief interruption to your holiday to find internet to review, thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed all the comfort/brotherly love moments we had there. We're seeing a bit more of it today as well as a bit of tough love coming from Athos. Enjoy the new chapter! (and the rest of your holiday!) x

Helensg: Thanks for the review - It's definitely a good step towards him being able to sleep that's for sure. Enjoy the new chapter! x

Issai: Thanks for the review - I'm really happy you liked it, I always worry I haven't gotten the emotion right or across the way I want to so I'm mentally cheering that it seems I did for that :D Ask and ye shall receive my friend :) I don't know if I'll bring all of the minor characters across but I'll definitely bring a few over into my next story, anyone in particular you'd like to see again? Enjoy the new chapter! x

MicheeO: Thanks for the review - I've gotten shorter ones before don't worry :D Glad you're liking it. Enjoy the new chapter! x

Lilac Lavender: Thanks for the review - I wasn't sure how it would go, having a sole focus for the chapter after having split focuses for the last several but I'm glad you liked it. We're doing it again today but the focus is on a different one of our boys. I loved writing the comfort/brotherly moments in that chapter, our boys definitely needed it, especially after the like 90 chapters of whumpage I put them through. There's some more moments like it today but not as many and a bit of tough love from our favourite swordsman :) Enjoy the new chapter! x

Yorokobi Asahi: Thanks for the review - You have good timing my friend I was just prepping this for publishing when your review email came through :D Glad you liked it! Enjoy the new chapter! x

As always much love and many thanks for following/favouriting/reviewing/reading

Love you all!

Enjoy!

xxx

Chapter Ninety-Seven: Crushing Weight Of Guilt

"You want us to move him 'Mis?" asked Porthos quietly as he watched the young Gascon sleep against his brother's side with a fond yet sad expression on his face.

Aramis shook his head softly, blinking away the tears in his eyes as he looked down at the boy nestled into his side, "Being close to a warm body helps chase mine away, maybe it'll do the same for his."

"Talking's aint going to be enough, is it?"

Aramis sighed, unconsciously tightening his hold on the sleeping Gascon ever so slightly as he once again shook his head. "It's a start and it'll definitely help, but if his nightmares are anything like Savoy is for me he'll need to learn some alternative methods to help stop them."

"What do you suggest?" Athos asked quietly, his eyes full of anger at what his protégé had been forced to endure, even now in sleep. The numerous wounds that marred his young friend's skin were going to take a lot of time to heal and the likelihood of scarring was an almost guaranteed thing. They needed to have a plan in place for helping their friend through the memories those scars would always bring up.

"I have a few ideas," stated Aramis, a small yawn escaping him, "It'd be better to wait to see how much just talking about it has helped… and I would like to talk to Moreau, he has more in depth medical training than I do, he may have a few more ideas or may even be able to suggest which of my ideas would be the most effective."

Athos nodded, mentally trying to calculate whether they were due a visit from the doctor any time soon or if he would need to leave and find him.

He was pulled from his thoughts when Porthos snorted, a teasing smirk on his brother's face.

"You just don't want the doc going off on you again," chuckled the larger musketeer making his brother mock glare at him.

"Neither would you," protested Aramis, though the mirroring grin on his face showed he was not offended by the teasing. "That man has a way of making you feel like a naughty child… I wasn't aware anyone bar my mother was still able to do that to me."

"What bout the Captain?" Porthos asked with a laugh.

Aramis's brows furrowed in thought for a minute before he shook his head, "He get's close but its not the same."

"Gentlemen," chided Athos quietly as he nodded to D'Artagnan, whose face was scrunched up as he started to stir. "Maybe we should keep it down."

Both Aramis and Porthos had the grace to look sheepish at that, their laughter instantly stopping.

"Maybe you should get some rest too 'Mis," suggested Porthos when he noticed Aramis yawn again, the dark circles under his eyes a clear sign of the medic's lack of sleep.

"I'm fine," retorted the medic almost instantly, not wanting to admit that he was scared of what he would face when he tried to sleep.

"You should take your own advice and let us in," stated Athos as he look at his brother, his eyes full of a silent plea to be allowed to help. "Talking to us helped before."

Aramis shifted uncomfortably, only stopping when he heard a very quiet whimper of pain from D'Artagnan. Ducking his head down to be level with the sleeping boy's ear the marksman whispered a quick apology to him in Spanish, not wanting to bring overt attention to the boy's pain.

"…'Mis?" prodded Porthos, his eyes full of worry for his obviously exhausted brother.

Aramis sighed, "It was different last time," admitted the medic, not looking either man in the eye as he spoke.

"How so?" asked Athos, tilting his head to one side as he watched the sharpshooter with clear confusion.

"…Back then…. Back then it was bad memories about the massacre itself," explained the medic quietly. "They were like D'Art's are now. Memories of a trauma replaying over and over in my head."

Athos nodded, this made sense. "And now?"

Aramis let out a laugh, though it was cold and full of guilt and pain. "Now," breathed the marksman shakily, "Now they're mimicking my own guilty conscious."

"What're you feelin' guilty about?" asked Porthos, his hand moving from D'Artagnan's ankle to rest on an uninjured part of Aramis's leg that was still resting on his lap. "Nothin' that happened was your fault."

"Wasn't it?" snapped Aramis weakly, his body sagging under the weight of his exhaustion and the guilt he had placed on his own shoulders. "Because I seem to be the common link between everything that happened."

"'Mis," breathed Porthos, his heart aching at the pure, unfiltered pain in his brother's eyes.

"I was one of the senior musketeers sent to Savoy," explained the medic, interrupting whatever reassurances his brother was about to give him. "It was my job to keep those men safe." With another weak, self-deprecating chuckle he added, "and look how well that turned out."

"'Mis…"

"Marsac requested to go because I was going so it's my fault he was even there. The fact is, I failed in my duty to protect those under my command and that failure led to the deaths of twenty good, honorable men and damn near broke the mind of a dear friend."

Both Athos and Porthos look sad but not shocked at what Aramis was saying to them, they had both long suspected Aramis carried such feeling, he had hinted at them on numerous occasions. They had held off pushing him to talk about them, not wanting to force him to talk about something he clearly wasn't ready to handle and so, now that he was talking, they remained silent as their brother vented the reasons behind the crushing guilt he had placed on his own shoulders.

"Marsac died because he came to Paris looking for the truth behind the massacre, hoping to get justice for those that died. He had been searching for answers for five years… What had I done during that time?" Aramis scoffed bitterly, "I pushed the memory of the attack and those that died to the deepest part of my mind, unwilling to even talk about it."

"Marcel and Daviau wouldn't have had cause to target the regiment if I had done my job properly. They were angry and grieving at something of my own creation… Everyone who's been hurt, the pair of you, D'Artagnan, Blaise, Issac, everyone… They all were hurt because of my failure."

"Enough," growled Athos, having had enough of Aramis's self-deprecating rant. His voice startled the medic who looked up from where he had been all but glaring at the blanket covering him to stare at the swordsman with wide eyes.

"None of that, or anything that's happened is your fault 'Mis," growled Porthos, his mindset mirroring Athos's own.

"Have you not been listening?" snapped Aramis bitterly, only blinking out of his outburst when he realized his voice had caused D'Artagnan to stir again.

Great, he mused bitterly, Someone else I'm hurting. Aramis knew just how badly the Gascon needed rest, knew how weak his body was and how much the lack of sleep was hindering his recovery process.

"Savoy would have still happened even if you weren't there," stated Athos, his voice firm and his gaze unyielding as he stared down the medic. "Nothing you did caused Savoy to happen, you were sent in without a complete understanding of what was going on or why you were there. A training mission in an assumed safe area would not warrant the same amount of awareness as a normal mission so you were well within your right to be looser with watches."

Aramis stared at Athos as he talked, his head begging him to accept what was being said and the logic behind it while his heart remained stubborn and clung to his guilt and pain.

"I know from the Captain that Marsac was already being considered for the mission when he volunteered."

This stunned Aramis, he hadn't considered that his friend would have been considered for the mission, as he wasn't one of the men typically involved in training recruits and newly commissioned men, but to learn that he had been considered and would likely have been sent into the massacre, even had he himself not been there, it caused him to waver slightly.

"Even without you there the massacre would still have happened and people would still have lost brothers and friends," stated Athos kindly, his eyes softening as he saw the tears building up in Aramis's eyes. "The fact that you were there though meant we got to learn exactly who launched the attack on the men, courtesy of you managing to significantly injure and scar the Duke."

Aramis blinked at this, not having thought or even considered the fact that his actions during the attack itself helped confirm the identity of the person who had led the attack on them that night.

Seeing Aramis's reactions to Athos's words Porthos slowly took his brother's hand into his own, offering the man he considered one of his dearest friends his grounding presence and a silent show of support.

"Mar-Marcel," stammered Aramis as he tried to refute the reassurances and logic Athos was sending his way. "And Daviau…"

"Would still have reasons to be angry even had you not been there. You forget my friend," said Athos, his jaw tightening and his eyes hardening at the thought of the two men responsible for causing so much pain to his friends and comrades. "Their anger wasn't aimed just at you. In fact it was predominately aimed at Treville, having been the one to order the mission. You were only involved because you survived the attack, another musketeer in your place might not have been so lucky."

"Vivienne…"

"Marsac would still have gone to Savoy," reminded Porthos, squeezing the medic's hand gently as he spoke.

"But –"

"Aramis," snapped Athos as he tried his hardest not to glare at his stubborn brother. "Had you not been at Savoy, would you have still thrown yourself into training like you did when you recovered?"

Aramis winced, remembering the months he had devoted himself to nothing but training and improving his already impressive skills. He worked his muscles well past the point of exhaustion and had actually ended up in the infirmary for a week after eventually collapsing, forcing him to allow his body and overexerted muscles the rest they so dearly needed. He also remembered getting sternly reprimanded by Treville who threatened to suspend him if he caught him training in any way for two weeks following his collapse.

"No," admitted Aramis, silently wondering where Athos was going with this, "I wouldn't."

Athos nodded, a pleased yet knowing look settling on his face that only served to confuse the tired medic more. "And how many lives have you saved during missions since the massacre with those improved skills?"

"My point my friend," added the swordsman softly as he saw his brother considering his words. "Is that there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome of Savoy, nor the events that followed. You shouldn't carry guilt for the men that died, especially not when you've honored their deaths with every life you saved since the attack."

"You need to let go of the guilt 'Mis," pleaded Porthos as he once again squeezed the hand he was holding. "It's killing you 'Mis and there's no need for it."