Cristóbal Colón. Christopher Columbus. The man who had, over a thousand years before, set off on a voyage from Europe, looking to discover a westbound passage to Asia, and had instead landed in the Caribbean.
There were historical rumors that he had also been intimate with sheep.
And as Veronica Mars waited on the Alliance cruiser that was named for the Italian explorer, she was beginning to understand how one could be that bored. The last three weeks, waiting in orbit around Paquin, had been absolutely excruciating.
Both Weevil and Wallace wanted to talk to her about her online encounter with Logan, but she didn't particularly want to talk. She had a sneaking suspicion that the Operative planned to run her through with his sword when he got a chance. Of course, that would only work if she didn't blow his head off first.
And she had given it some thought.
When Logan had cut off the wave three weeks beforehand, he had thought that he was cutting off the tracking signal as well. But Mr. Universe's equipment had been far too sophisticated for that. The wave had enabled Veronica to determine Serenity's unique electrical signature, and so now, as long as the transport was powered up, Veronica could track her ANYWHERE in the 'verse.
The same day she had sent out the wave, they had picked up on Serenity approaching the planet Persephone, where they made a deal with an individual by the name of Badger. He had a cargo of, of all things, beagle puppies that needed to be delivered to Paquin.
When Serenity left Persephone, she had departed on a rather roundabout route. Captain McManus plotted her trajectory and determined that she would reach the remote moon, populated by the rich and powerful, in approximately twenty-three days.
From Phoenix, Cristóbal Colón had been able to make the journey to Paquin in a mere two days. The quarter-mile long cruiser was able to travel at a top speed of nearly 1.4 million miles per hour – far faster than Serenity could ever DREAM to travel – and so it wasn't really that tedious a journey.
It was the waiting that was the killer.
It's gonna turn me into a dirty sheep-fucker, Veronica mused. Cristóbal Colón had powered down and loitered, and she was able to do practically nothing. Her computer was powered down, her electric book-reader verboten. Captain McManus did not want to take even the slightest chance that Serenity might detect that they were sitting in orbit.
As a result, Veronica Mars found herself bored enough to ponder what had driven Christopher Columbus to coitus ovis aries.
It was not a pretty thought.
Logan and Kaylee sat on the catwalk overlooking the cargo hold. Below them, River sat in the middle of the floor and played happily with the twenty-seven beagle puppies in the hold. All just over three months old, they apparently fetched quite a pretty penny among the beautiful people.
"I used to have a dog," Logan mused, causing Kaylee to look at him in curiosity. "She was a beautiful dog."
"Really?" Kaylee asked. "What kind of dog was she?"
"She was a bull terrier," Logan replied. "Purebred, which is practically impossible to come by anymore. But somehow, my dad managed to get his hands on a purebred bull terrier when I was a toddler. The first thing I said when I saw her was, 'Wolf!'"
Kaylee smiled and laughed. "Aw, that's cute. I can just imagine, Logan Echolls, two years old, goin' all bibbledy over a dog and callin' her Wolf."
Logan turned to Kaylee and gave her a mock cross stare. "I did NOT go bibbledy over a dog," he replied. "I may have nearly crapped my pants – actually, I WAS two, so I probably did – but I did NOT go BIBBLEDY."
Kaylee giggled and kissed Logan on the cheek. "You're cute when you're angry."
He turned to face her. "You're cute all the time," he murmured, leaning in to kiss her properly.
"You're both disgusting me," came floating up from the cargo deck. They broke apart and leaned over to see River looking up at them.
"You don't HAVE to read our minds," Logan called out to her.
"I'm NOT," River called back, a note of annoyance in her voice. "You're kind of hard to ignore."
"Do you want us to go elsewhere, River?" Kaylee asked.
"That would be helpful," River replied sarcastically.
"Well, you heard the girl," Logan said, standing to his feet. He reached a hand down to Kaylee and helped her up.
By the time they reached Logan's quarters, they were both practically giggling. Before they reached his bed, Kaylee had successfully parted Logan and his shirt.
Fifteen minutes later, they both lay in Logan's bed, naked and covered in a thin film of sweat. Their combined clothes littered the floor of Logan's quarters, and a rather satisfied look had pasted itself on both of their faces.
"Logan," Kaylee murmured, tracing tiny circles on his chest with her fingernails.
"Mm-hmm?"
"What happened to Wolf?"
Logan was quiet for a moment. "She died when I was thirteen," he finally whispered.
Kaylee propped herself up on one elbow – and was alarmed to see tears on Logan's face. "Oh, Logan, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…"
He shook his head. "No, Kaylee, it's okay," he said. "She… she was hit by a delivery shuttle. I heard the horn, and the thump… I ran outside, and she was just lying there, in the street. I… I held her, and she was whining…"
Logan's voice broke, and Kaylee realized that tears had begun to track down her face as well. "I'm so sorry…"
Logan sniffled, and wiped a hand across his face. "It's okay," he said. "It was eight years ago. It was funny, though… I probably sat there in the street for an hour… and nobody came looking for me, not my mom, not my dad, not my sister. It was Veronica who found me there in the street. When she realized what had happened, she didn't say anything – she just hugged me, and let me cry. Then she helped me take Wolf to the back yard… and bury her… she even said a prayer for her."
He sighed, and laughed bitterly. "To think that now she's trying to track me down, on behalf of the Parliament. What a reversal."
"Logan…" Kaylee paused, uncertain of what to say. "You… maybe you should talk to her. You can't run forever."
"I can't… I can't let her do to my family what her father did to the Kanes," Logan replied. "I just can't do that."
"But you know your dad did it," Kaylee whispered. "You said so yourself."
"I CAN'T, KAYLEE!" Logan shouted without warning. Kaylee, startled, jumped out of the bed and slowly began backing toward the door.
"No… I'm sorry," Logan sighed. "I'm just… I'm really wound up about this whole thing."
"I can see that," Kaylee responded uncertainly. She bent down and began to gather her clothes. "Maybe… maybe I need to let you take a little while to unwind."
"Kaylee, please don't," Logan said, realizing he was starting to sound a little desperate. He started to say something else, but he was cut off by the intercom.
"This is the captain. We're comin' up on Paquin in a minute or two here. Logan and River, I need you on the bridge; Kaylee, make sure the engines are shiny."
Logan sighed, and climbed out of the bed. He and Kaylee both dressed in silence, and headed out the door – Kaylee going one direction, toward the engine room, him going the other, toward the cockpit. He reached it just as River got there.
"Nice of the two of you to join me up here," Mal said, just a trace of sarcasm in his voice. "You think we can land on this rock without burnin' up or causin' any of those vermin in the hold to stink up my ship any further?"
"They're not vermin, Captain," River said, sounding irritated. "They're living, breathing creatures."
"Friend of mine on Greenleaf also apparently thinks they're good eatin', too, but I don't necessarily hold to his opinions," Mal replied. "They've made my ship smell like a barnyard, and therefore, they must be vermin."
River sighed and shook her head, checking over Logan's coordinates as he began to prepare the ship to go atmospheric. Suddenly she froze, her eyes widening.
She began to look around the cockpit, an uncertain look on her face. Mal tilted his head and gave her a curious look. "What is it, little one?"
River looked back toward the black, and pointed out. "There's something out there," she whispered.
"Whaddya mean, there's somethin' out there?" Mal asked, a tiny note of fear sounding in his voice. "We talkin' Alliance, Reavers, what?"
"It's Alliance," River said. "There's a whole cruiser out there!"
That's when Logan – well, he wouldn't say FELT her, but ever since they had been little kids, he and Veronica always seemed to innately know when the other was around, and sure enough, she was out there, not too far away.
"It's her," Logan said softly. "That's the cruiser Veronica Mars is on."
"Wait, the Operative that's after you's on an Alliance cruiser sittin' out there off our bow?!" Mal asked in surprise. "Are you kiddin' me?"
Logan wasn't quite paying attention, though. He closed his eyes. Veronica… he thought. I know you're out there…
The bridge was silent as Serenity approached the Cristóbal Colón. The only lights on the bridge were dim red lights that wouldn't penetrate the glare shielding on the windows.
Veronica was buckled into a seat next to Captain McManus. Weevil and Wallace were similarly secured in seats near unused science stations. Only the Operative was arrogant – and foolish, Veronica thought – enough to remain standing when the cruiser went to battle stations.
"Report," Captain McManus said quietly.
"Target is holding steady on course," the tactical officer replied.
"Tractor beam?"
"Ready at your command, sir."
"Stand by," McManus replied.
That was when Veronica didn't so much hear Logan's voice as feel it in her head. Veronica, it said. I know you're out there.
Her eyes widened. "Captain McManus, they know we're here," she said, alarm in her voice.
McManus looked over at her in disbelief. "And how the hell could you possibly know that?"
She shook her head. "Just trust me, Captain. They know."
And just as she said that, Serenity's course altered radically, taking her into a dive toward the planet. She accelerated rapidly.
"EVERYTHING UP!" McManus roared. Cristóbal Colón swiftly came up to full power. "Pursue the Firefly!" he bellowed. "Shoot if you must, but shoot to DISABLE, not to kill!"
Veronica looked over at him in horror. "SHOOT?!"
McManus turned and pointed at her. "We can't afford to keep chasing them around the 'verse," he replied. "Now is the time to bring them in."
Serenity began to glow orange as she passed through the upper layers of the atmosphere. A moment later, a slight orange glow began to appear around Cristóbal Colón's windows as the cruiser also penetrated the atmosphere.
Serenity was quick, but the cruiser was MUCH faster. The only advantage the Firefly had was that it was small and maneuverable. However, the cruiser had laser cannons along its entire length, and they began to open fire on Serenity.
"Jesus Christ!" Mal bellowed. "What the hell'd we ever do to them?"
"There was this little thing called the Unification War," Zoe Washburne remarked dryly. She had joined Mal, River, and Logan on the bridge a moment earlier.
"Nah, they're not still pissed about that," Mal shot back. "You think?"
Zoe just smiled at him and shook her head.
Meanwhile, Logan was doing his damnedest to keep Serenity from getting hit, but it was getting harder and harder. Cristóbal Colón had managed to swing about so that Serenity was within range of a laser cannon at almost all times. Every time a laser bolt bounced off Serenity's titanium hull, Logan and Mal both winced.
Then there was a veritable barrage of pounding on the hull. Serenity jolted downward, and Logan's panel went crazy. A shower of sparks shot out the back side of the panel – and then the entire cockpit went dark.
"Oh, shit," Mal uttered.
"Ai ya, wo-men wan-le," Zoe added.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Mal grunted. "Logan, do you have helm control?"
"Negative, Captain," Logan replied. "We're flyin' blind."
Mal blew his breath out. "Okay, little one," he said, turning his attention to River. "You got a good enough feel for the outside that you can fly this bird remotely from engineering?"
She thought about it for a moment. "I think so," she replied, tentatively nodding her head.
"Then get on down there," Mal told her. "Zoe, you go with her!"
River disappeared down the corridor, Zoe right behind her, as Cristóbal Colón peppered Serenity with another volley of lasers. Then the speakers crackled into life.
"Serenity, this is the Alliance cruiser Cristóbal Colón," they heard. "You are instructed to land immediately."
"That'll be the day," Mal muttered. Picking up the intercom handset, he pushed the button, and said, "Cruiser Cristóbal Colón, your laser fire has sent our navigation system into plumb loco mode. We are a little bit broken at the moment."
"Serenity, prepare for tractor beam. We'll pull you into the shuttle bay."
"Thanks, but no," Mal replied. Flipping a switch on the intercom, he said, "River, you ready down there?"
"Ready and waiting," River replied.
"Alright!" Mal exulted. "Take evasive maneuvers!"
Immediately, Serenity jerked to the right violently. As it did so, Logan could see the edge of the cruiser just above them. It passed behind as they flew up and above the big Alliance cruiser.
The laser fire temporarily stopped as the cruiser tried to reposition itself to fire on the little transport. "Kaylee!" Mal shouted into the intercom. "I need you ready to do a full burn!"
"Captain?!"
Logan's eyes went wide. "No," he gasped. "You can't do a full burn in atmo! Do you have any idea what that'll do to that cruiser?!"
"I know full well what it'll do to that go tsao de cruiser," Mal replied. "It'll knock it out of the atmosphere, make it crash land. Any luck at all, it'll be destroyed."
"Captain," Logan growled through clenched teeth, "you can't do that."
"I'm sorry, but I believe that this is my ship, and I'm decidin' what we can and can't do," Mal shot back. "Right at the moment, we CAN go to full burn and knock those Alliance hwun dan off our ass."
He turned his attention back to the intercom. "Kaylee, you ready?"
"Ready, Captain, but this seems like a bad idea…"
"Kaylee, so help me, if you don't cut the go se…"
"Just give the word, Captain."
Logan sprang out of his chair. Grabbing the intercom microphone out of Mal's hand, he shouted, "DON'T DO IT, KAYL-"
His voice was cut off by Mal's fist impacting his nose. Logan staggered backwards, collapsing against the bulkhead, blood streaming from his nose. "Bun tyen-shung duh ee-dway-ro," Mal snarled. "KAYLEE! NOW!"
The K64 spacedrive kicked into full power, sending its blastwave into the atmosphere. As Serenity was propelled forward, the blast ignited the nitrogen and oxygen in the atmosphere for a good five mile radius. The shockwave plowed into the Cristóbal Colón with the force of the fist of God.
As Logan got to his feet, Serenity came about. The Cristóbal Colón was visible below, out of control, careening toward the ocean at high speed. Logan's breathing got ragged as he watched it plunge toward the water.
He turned to Mal, accusing eyes piercing into Captain Reynolds' soul. "You huh choo-shung tza-jiao duh tzang huo," he growled. "If she dies…"
Logan didn't say anything more, just took a deep breath and turned back toward the windshield.
As they stood on Serenity's bridge and watched, twelve miles below, the Cristóbal Colón plowed into the surface of the sea and disappeared in a giant plume of water.
coitus ovis aries - Latin, roughly translates to "sex with sheep"
ai ya wo-men wan-le – we're in big trouble
go tsao de – dog humping
hwun dan – bastards
go se – crap
bun tyen-shung duh ee-dway-ro – stupid inbred sack of meat
huh choo-shung tza-jiao duh tzang huo – filthy sheep-fucker