"You're always you, and that don't change, and you're always changing, and there's nothing you can do about it."
― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

DAY TWO
-continued-
-ooo-

Sleeping with someone was strange, Hajime decided as he emerged reluctantly from his deep and dreamless sleep the next morning to the hum of Komaeda's pod and the soft snoring of Sonia beside him.

He'd been an only child and never had close friends. Definitely none close enough for slumber parties or sleepovers or anything like that. He seemed to remember, in a distant hazy sort of way that centered mostly around the idea of warmth, sleeping between his parents sometimes when he was very small, but it was a vague enough memory that it could just as easily have been something he'd read in a book at some point and just incorporated into his own life to help fill in some of the blanks. And there were blanks. Wide gaping holes like his brain was made of Swiss cheese, but he tried not to let that bother him too much.

He had more pressing problems than a few missing childhood memories, after all.

Sonia shifted restlessly beside him, murmuring in her sleep, but since she didn't sound scared or distressed he left her to it. His shoulder ached from having stayed on the one side all night and his mouth felt incredibly disgusting, but most of all… he really needed to pee. He opened his eyes slowly, gingerly, to find the eerie green glow of Komaeda's pod and the darkened room. He could just see the pale light of morning peeking beneath the heavy curtains over the windows, but it was dim though he wasn't sure if that was because it was really early or maybe the curtains just worked really well.

The room still smelled vaguely awful, but for the worst of the stench seemed to have dissipated overnight which was better than he expected if he were honest. He sat up and slid out of the bed, trying hard not to disturb Sonia since she seemed to be sleeping so peacefully. She yawned and stretched, turning over and struggling down in the warm space he left behind the moment he was out of the bed, but she didn't wake. Despite his best efforts his bare feet still seemed tremendously loud against the tiled floor as he padded from the room out into the hall beyond. They'd had to block off all the bathrooms in the individual rooms in order to fit the pods inside, which left him with the choice of going to the public one out in the hall or climbing over Komaeda's pod into the private bathroom in the room. He was pretty sure he was never going to be for climbing up and over Komaeda's pod so the public bathroom in the hall it was.

The reek of vomit hit him the second he stepped out into the hall and he remembered that Sonia had set everything out here the night before. He didn't want to imagine what anyone might have thought if they'd passed by in the night. He could clean it probably, take it to the laundry or something, but he really needed to take that leak first.

The hall was quiet and his footsteps seemed to echo far louder than they should through all that empty space. He'd always thought of hospitals as cluttered spaces, full of wheelchairs and gurneys and equipment, but there just wasn't much to the hospital really outside of the necessities. He wondered if they'd just taken all the really expensive or portable stuff with them when they went, those people who'd been able to escape Despair. The people who hadn't died here, wandering the deserted halls like this it almost seemed like he could here them, like a murmur of sound from a distant room, just out of sight. Not loud enough to be distinct, but just enough to be heard like ghosts in the machine. He shivered, rubbing a hand over his bare arm. The air conditioning in there was really something, it had seemed warm enough the day before when they were moving the pods in and afterwards, but today it was almost cold.

The bathroom was the same one he'd used last night when he was chopping off his hair and it showed. He hadn't bothered to clear up before he'd left the room with Akane so there was still hair strewn all over the tiled floor. In retrospect, that had actually been kind of a really rude thing to do, kind of gross too, really. He hoped none of the others had been in and seen it. He shut the door behind him and starred down at the uneven hanks and chunks that littered the floor, thick enough that in the dark they'd probably look like roaches or mice skittering across the pale, cracked tile. He hadn't noticed before, but the bathroom was in pretty rough shape.

Once he'd finished using the toilet and washed his hands in the ice-cold water that poured out into the sink, he turned his attention to cleaning up the hair. He could tell easily enough what he'd cut and what Akane had trimmed for him. Her cuts were smooth and even, he'd taken those scissors and just hacked away at the mess much like one might wield a machete to cut down brush in a jungle. He dropped to his hands and knees and crawled across the floor, sweeping the larger chunks into a loose pile before picking it up and shoving it in the wastebasket. It was still gross and there were still plenty of little tufts and strands of hair littering the floor, but he figured that was probably good enough until he'd had a chance to eat and shower and track down a broom.

He paused before he left to look in the small mirror over the sink, to really study his appearance for the first time. Last night he'd been so hyper-focused on the hair that he hadn't really even taken in the rest. The sharper angles of his face, the intensity of his eyes, how they were red now instead of green and it felt like he was missing a joke there. Something about traffic lights. Red means stop. It's not a funny joke. His too thick, tangled black hair hangs bushy and kind of ridiculous around his face, He looks ridiculous and that somehow makes the changes easier to take. He wonders if Akane had done it that way on purpose or if was just a happy accident and assumes it, like most things, is a little bit of both. Still, he doesn't feel like Hinata Hajime and even less so looking at himself.

He remembers the long talk he had with Sonia as she told him about her experiences with Gundham, with Enoshima and Komaeda. He didn't have any of those memories not really, wasn't certain whether he'd actually known any of them as Izuru. He knew he hadn't known Komaeda, they'd been strangers on the container ship. He thought, as he stared at his reflection, that he had just the vaguest hint of a memory like an overexposed film clip of Mikan above him, sweating profusely, feverish maybe, her long hair flowing around her, sticking to her damp skin. Of watching the way her breasts bounced as she rode him, her mouth wide open as she brought herself to completion again and again. Incapable of shutting up it seemed, he remembered thinking about killing her, slitting her throat. Whether she'd still be fingering herself so frantically, bouncing on his cock so methodically even while she gargled and choked and bled out all over him.

Hajime threw up in the little sink, heaving and spiting acid and bile into the cracked porcelain, no trace of food left to soften the burn. As he flicked on the water to wash the sickness away, the taste lingered in his mouth just as those faded images, those disjointed thoughts, lingered in his head. He scooped up some water in his hands and swished it around his mouth to try and get the lingering taste out of his mouth. It didn't help much, but it was better than nothing. He wished he could rinse his brain as easily. Was that how Izuru had been? Or was that just his imagination playing tricks on him, dreaming up worst-case scenarios. It wasn't too much of a stretch to believe that might be true after the last few dreams he'd had about Komaeda, but….

What he'd done with Komaeda had been different or, at the very least, it had felt different. It was difficult to define why exactly except that he'd wanted it, even the bad parts, the scary parts; he'd been into it. He didn't like that he'd been into it, it had made him feel terrible, made him feel a little sick, but… he… he could admit to himself that he'd definitely been into it.

He wasn't into that. Not even a little. The idea of taking advantage of Mikan, of thinking of hurting her like that, made him want to just be sick forever and ever and the oil slick feel of those thoughts had seemed like vintage Izuru.

He wasn't Izuru.

He most definitely wasn't Izuru.

But he was beginning to think that maybe… maybe he wasn't quite Hinata Hajime either.

The person he'd been in the game hadn't thought like this. Hadn't wanted the things he did. Hadn't wanted to hurt and be hurt. Hadn't felt so disconnected from his past, from the things he had done and the person he'd been before he came to Hope's Peak. Everything he'd been before that day… just didn't seem to matter much anymore, if it ever had. All that really mattered to him now were his friends and what happened from here. He didn't really care about those faceless warm people who had been his parents. He had no idea if they were alive or dead and… it didn't matter. Maybe he would eventually, but right now… there was nothing. He felt like he was a snake shedding an ill-fitting skin. He wondered if that was the reason he kept dreaming of him, whether he was using Komaeda as a crutch to peel back all these layers of the boy he had been, to reveal who he was beneath the skin a piece at a time. Whether the next time he woke up he'd even recognize himself at all.

Once a long time ago he'd been a boy with green eyes, insecure and terrified of being just ordinary. A boy who had willing sacrificed himself on the alter of hope to become something more.

Once not so long ago he'd been a red-eyed monster who'd killed hundreds, maybe thousands of people. A monster that found everything and everyone dull and boring and utterly devoid of hope; that valued only his own brilliance, his monstrous talent and potential.

He didn't remember what it was actually like to live either of those lives very well.

Today he was a red-eyed boy who dreamt about getting off while fingering his comatose friend's wounds while said comatose friend moaned his name and he kind of wanted to bash his face against the stupid mirror just to see whether the pain or maybe just the act of shattering that unfamiliar image of himself would make him feel better about it.

He didn't, in the end, bash his face against the mirror.

Instead he turned on the water and leaned a hand against the wall as he jerked off into the low sink thinking about the way Komaeda had said his name.

Not in any of his dreams, but instead of the way he'd said it on the island that last time, the mocking derision in his voice.

He stood there for a few moments after, watching the water sweep away the evidence and wondering if he'd feel better if he just accepted that he was kind of a freak now before he tucked his softening dick back in his filthy pants and washed his hands again. He glanced in the mirror one last time at his red, red eyes and his tangled, too long black hair and this face he barely recognized.

He really was hopeless.

The sheets and trash bin were still sitting in the hallway outside his room waiting for him, but he had a better idea about how to deal with them now.

He was pretty sure that every real hospital had to have an incinerator for toxic waste disposal so he grabbed the entire disgusting pile and hauled it with him to the stairs.

The room was easier to find than he expected and the incinerator was already running, a low hum of sound and a bright green light indicating it was ready for use, when he arrived. Like it had been expecting him. Or maybe it was just always on, maybe Togami of the pithy insults and arrogant attitude had been up and around fixing things this morning and turned it on. He didn't want to think about why the incinerator might qualify as a necessity and therefore one of the first things to be fixed. He couldn't help but wonder if that meant that maybe there were still people here somewhere, driven insane by despair, hiding in the walls or basement. Or maybe there had been and they had died there and hadn't been found when the island had been cleaned up and they would stumble upon a desiccated corpse every once in a while in an unused hallway or in a corner behind a pile of moldy boxes. At least then the mystery of the incinerator would be explained, as it would make for a convenient way to dispose of a body.

Damn but he was in a morbid sort of mood this morning.

He opened the machine's door and shoved the whole mess inside, trash bin and all and slammed the door shut before pressing the button and leaving the incinerator to deal with it.

When he got back to Komaeda's room, Sonia was sitting up in the middle of his bed, yawning and blinking owlishly in the sickly green light.

"Good morning," he commented, slipping back into the room and crossing to sit beside her on the bed.

She offered him a tired smile, "Good morning, my friend."

"You sleep okay?" He asked, keeping his tone even and pleasant.

"Quite well, all things considered. Thank you very much for the company. Any more dreams?"

"No. You?"

"No, nothing that I remember at any rate," she replied, stretching. "Do you know I've never slept beside anyone before?"

"Really?"

"Truly. Or at least not in so far as I am able to recall at this time, so I assume not. It was really a very interesting experience and I was glad to share it with you."

"Yeah, me too," Hajime yawned. "You hungry? Want to go grab something to eat?"

"Certainly and then I would very much like a shower."

"Yeah, same here."

Sonia frowned, "Please do not take this as a criticism, but you seem different this morning."

"Do I?"

Of course, I do. I've been systematically killing Hinata Hajime in my sleep, he doesn't say.

"Yes, more… I am not quite certain what the correct phrase for it is. At peace with yourself, perhaps?"

That's a kind way to describe it. He doesn't say that either.

He shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know, maybe."

"Then we should be going, I suppose."

"Yeah, I'll, um, would you mind waiting for me? I'll be along in just a minute."

"Certainly. I will take this time to take full advantage of the facilities. I shall meet you in the hall shortly."

"Thanks."

The door swung shut quietly behind her and left him frowning at Komaeda's pod. He felt stupid, but…

"Hey, I'm gonna go grab some breakfast. Some coffee, too. It's probably terrible, but something is better than nothing, right?"

He wasn't sure why he paused like he expected an answer.

This was stupid.

He was pretty sure talking to your comatose friend like you expected him to answer was only slightly above talking to yourself with the same expectation on the metric scale of crazy. But he didn't really know any other way to do it that didn't make him want to scream and scream and never stop.

And if… if he were in that pod… he'd want someone to talk to him even if it seemed awkward and stupid and crazy.

Maybe not so much the guy who'd gotten off thinking about him not ten minutes before, the guy who was dreaming all kinds of weird things about him. That part was probably pretty weird. But realistically it wasn't like Komaeda was knee-deep in better options.

"I'll be back soon, okay? If you wake up while I'm gone, I'll… I'll be back soon so, um, don't go back to sleep. Okay, uh, bye."

Ugh. So stupid.

And, really, exactly who in the hell did he think he was kidding? He was going to avoid coming back here for as long as he could manage without it looking weird looks or drawing awkward questions.

-ooo-

"Must I take the lot of you and lead you by the hand to the shower facilities or do you think you can manage yourselves?" Togami grumbled, glaring at them over the top of his glasses as Hajime and Sonia came into the break room. He was sitting at the small table in the center of the room in front of several neat stacks of paperwork, a red pen clutched between his fingers so he looked like nothing so much as a young, excessively over-dressed, ill-tempered university professor. "Honestly, I could smell you coming long before you arrived."

Kirigiri, who was sitting beside him sipping her tea, didn't even bother to look over at him. Her expression remained blank and emotionless even as she took another sip of her tea and reached out and punched him in the shoulder with her free hand.

Naegi, who was leaning against the counter next to the toaster, sighed and smiled apologetically in the way of someone who was used to being the polite social convention representative for someone as blunt as Togami and as stoic as Kirigiri. "I can show you guys where the showers are if you want after you've had something to eat. I think the hot water is even working now, though it seems to kind of come and go. Though you should feel free to make use of it only when you feel you're ready. And please don't mind him, he's really not a morning person."

"That's absurd," Togami murmured, taking a sip of his coffee and going back to flicking through the stack of papers in front of him, slashing out words seemingly at random. "Just because I don't enjoy the stench of unwashed commoners and sex in the morning-"

"Oh? Is that really the route you wish to take with this argument?" Kirigiri commented, sipping her tea as she reached out to carefully flip over the document she'd been perusing. She managed to make the maneuver look effortless, a neat trick for someone wearing thin black, leather gloves. "I have several months worth of antidotal evidence which speaks to the contrary."

Togami scowled down at his papers, determinedly not looking at her as he answered. "And I'm quite certain you wouldn't be willing to divulge that evidence in mixed company so I hardly see why that is relevant to this conversation."

"That might certainly be true in many circumstances, but you'll find in these particular circumstances with the present audience and in light of your earlier remarks that I don't have any compunctions in that regard."

"I might like to put that claim to the test," Togami snapped, finally glancing up from his paperwork to meet her gaze directly with an imperious scowl, his back rigid.

"Oh my god, stop, it's too early for this," Naegi protested, a note of pleading in his voice that earned himself a glare from Togami and a cool, assessing look from Kirigiri. "As much as I really enjoy you guys playing intellectual chicken with my private life like I'm not standing right here, I'd really rather you just… not. Seriously. Let me take care of them. You guys go… I don't know, go argue about politics in the post-Despair era or that Murakami novel you're reading or just anything else. Anywhere else. I'm begging you."

To Hajime's amazement Kirigiri set her tea neatly aside and disappeared silently out the door, pausing briefly only to press her lips to Naegi's cheek, whispering something in his ear that brought a slim smile to his face. She glanced over at Hajime and Sonia before she left, giving them each a small smile and a nod that seemed pleasant enough if not particularly friendly or personal.

Togami, on the other hand, downed the remains of his coffee, grimacing and took his time gathering and shuffling through his papers before slipping them into his attaché. There was something so brisk, stiff and offended about his movements that it was a little like hearing the rattle of a snake before it struck. Hajime found himself reaching out to catch Sonia's hand and lead her over to examine the ancient stack of magazines near the sink, well away from any path that would put them between Togami Byakuya and the door. Their Togami Byakuya had really been nothing at all like this Togami Byakuya.

Naegi ran a hand back through his hair and followed Togami out the door as he stormed from the room.

The door swung shut behind them and Hajime watched it for a long moment before making his decision. "I'm gonna see if I can hear them."

"You intend to eavesdrop?" Sonia asked, sounding both intrigued and horrified.

He shrugged, "They're not our friends. I think they're good people, but… we really don't know anything about them other than what they and Enoshima told us. It'd be stupid to just assume they'd tell us everything we need to know."

"I suppose that is true and I will admit that I am curious." Sonia sighed, allowing him to tow her to the door. He pulled it open just the barest crack and put his ear to it. Sonia ducked down and did the same. He was pretty sure they looked completely ridiculous, but it allowed them to hear their conversation well enough.

"-ever speak to me in such a manner again, particularly in front of them, I will have you fed to the dogs."

"What kind of sense does that make as a threat? Where are you even going to find dogs on the islands?"

"I could have them brought in."

"Well, sure, if you're still pissed at me by the time the storm is over the sat phone is back online. You could also have me carted off and thrown in an active volcano if you're really in the mood to go full supervillian about it. Until then you're stuck making do with what you've got just like the rest of us. Besides, you're the one who started it. I don't understand what your problem is. Did you really forget that most of us didn't shower for almost a week after we left Hope's Peak? Yourself included."

"Hardly. That's not an easy stench to forget."

"That's great, thanks for that. The point is you know it's not easy. Stop treating them like they should just suck it up and be perfectly fine and normal."

"And you need to stop treating them with kid gloves. How are they supposed to get back to anything approaching normal if you insist on coddling them? The world is not going to be kind to them, Makoto. It's going to be cruel and it's going to be merciless. You're not doing them even the least of favors. At least I'm not treating them like they're made of fine china."

Someone (probably Naegi) sighed heavily and it seemed to echo down the hall.

"Look, I know what you're trying to do, but it's not… it's not going to be like it was for us. We're not going to let that happen to them so, so just…"

"It would be a mistake to presume anything I do is for their benefit."

"I know, just… thank you. Can I…?"

There was a sharp intake of breath, strangely loud.

When Togami spoke next almost a minute last his voice was a little muffled, like he was speaking into fabric or they'd moved the conversation further down the hall. Something was different though and it wasn't just Togami's tone, which seemed tired in a way it hadn't been a moment before, like something had knocked the spite right out of him. "Just… get them to shower or something. Even with communications down I still have plenty of work to keep me occupied."

"Yeah, I figured. I'm going to go down later on and check to make sure everything is shut down and properly closed up on the central island in case the storm gets really bad."

"Come and find me before you do and I'll take you. I hardly trust your skills at the helm during ill-weather."

"Are you worried about me? That's sweet."

There was a muffled thump followed by soft amused laughter.

"Call me sweet again and see what happens to you. Later I'm going to…"

However that sentence ended, Hajime couldn't hear it and he was grateful for that. He really didn't want to know any more about their relationship than he'd already guessed at. He couldn't imagine what type of person Naegi actually was that he was able to function in a relationship with this Togami Byakuya and actually appear to enjoy it.

Of course, considering what he wanted to do with Komaeda and how unstable Komaeda was at the best of times he was pretty sure he didn't have the market cornered on relationships no one wants to really know much about.

"I'm going to hold you to that. Go finish your paperwork, I'll page you over the intercom if the phone comes back online."

"Fine. Go manage your project," Togami commented, his dress shoes snapping sharply against the tile floor as he walked away.

Sonia and Hajime ducked away from the door, both trying and probably failing miserably to appear anything close to nonchalant and uninterested as Naegi pushed back into the room.

He smiled and shook his head when he saw them awkwardly fiddling with the coffee pot as if they were interested in coffee. Which would have been easier if either of them knew how to actually make coffee.

"It's fine," Naegi commented, pulling a stack of filters and a black can from one of the cupboards. "I don't know that I would trust us either in your position. After all, even if it wasn't our intention, we locked you in a computer simulation with Junko."

"It is not that we do not trust you, Mr. Naegi."

"Makoto is fine. Honestly, being called Naegi all the time kind of creeps me out these days."

"Because of the killing game?" Hajime asked bluntly, earning himself a shocked look from Sonia.

Naegi on the other hand just gave him a tight smile, "Exactly. I had nightmares for months afterwards about Monokuma popping up in random places saying my name. It's weird the things that stick with you."

They both nodded as Naegi tipped ground coffee into the filter and dropped it in the machine before grabbing a bottle of water to fill up the glass pot before pouring that into the machine and turning it on. "Don't drink the running water. It's probably fine, but it's better not to just in case. There's a bunch of water bottles in the fridge over there and under the sink."

The coffee pot gurgled and spat.

"I will keep that in mind," Sonia murmured, more Hajime thought to fill the silence than because the comment really required an answer.

"I really am very sorry about all that. He really didn't… okay, yeah, he really meant it, but that's just kind of the way he is. With everyone, all the time, you either get used to it or you avoid him like the plague because he isn't going to change. Would you like some cereal? There's, um, no milk or anything, but…"

"Cereal would be great," Hajime replied, a little grateful that it was something easy and, hopefully, bland. He wasn't sure his stomach could handle more than that yet.

Naegi nodded and turned to pull open another cupboard and get down a couple of cereal boxes and a couple dusty bowls. "Um, the spoons are in that drawer over there, I think." He commented, gesturing vaguely across the room. "So, we should be able to get a supply drop tomorrow or the next day. Right now there's a storm rolling in so the sat phones are down so we can't call anyone in to bring us anything."

Sonia opened the drawer he'd indicated and pulled out a couple of spoons, handing one to Hajime. "I… I was wondering if I might, perhaps, attempt to contact my parents? If it is not too much trouble?"

Naegi smiled briefly at her, setting the cereal boxes and bowls on the table before snagging his half-empty mug from the table and leaning back against the counter beside the percolating coffee to wait. "I don't see why not. If I were you, I wouldn't get your hopes up though. A lot of utilities are down all over the world still, I imagine that's probably true in your country as well, but you're certainly welcome to try when the phones come back up."

"I would still welcome the chance to make the attempt. Thank you very much, Mister… um, Makoto," Sonia replied, smiling politely, seating herself at the table with her spoon and picking up one of the cereal boxes. It was pink with a cartoon bear on it. She stared at it for a few moments before nodding to herself and flipping open the top and shaking some of the cereal out into her bowl.

Naegi smiled back, a little sadly, as Hajime took his place at the table beside Sonia and frowned at the small collection of cardboard cereal boxes. None of them looked the least bit appealing. "I honestly just wish I could do more, but we weren't able to find out a lot of information about any of you except Komaeda Nagito and Mioda Ibuki, I'm afraid. Would you like some tea or coffee?"

"Coffee would be delightful," Sonia answered, patting Hajime's hand as if she'd noticed that he'd startled at the unexpected mention of Komaeda's name. When he looked over at her, she gave him a slim smile and a nod before turning her attention back to Naegi who Hajime noticed was watching them with the sort of pleasantly blank poker face that he'd probably picked up from Kirigiri. He had little doubt that Naegi had noticed his reaction and their exchange, but he couldn't tell what he'd made of it or whether he'd mentioned Komaeda on purpose.

Sonia cleared her throat, bringing Naegi's attention back to her as Hajime forced himself to pick up the plainest looking cereal box and shake some of it into his bowl. "I quite understand Ibuki, she was a bit famous, I believe, but why Komaeda?"

"Well, we had a little bit of information on all of you from your school records, but Komaeda's situation was a little different."

"Because he was sick?" Sonia inquired, before taking a bite of her cereal and chewing thoughtfully.

"No, well, not exactly," Naegi replied, topping off his own coffee before pouring coffee for Sonia and Hajime and handing the chipped mugs to them carefully. He retrieved his own cup and took a sip, wincing a bit at the heat or the taste, but remained standing, leaning against the counter rather than taking a seat at the table with them. "We do have some of the medical records that were in his student file, but it was more because he was a bit famous himself. His life prior to his admission to Hope's Peak was very eventful."

Hajime felt his stomach sink and he pushed his cereal bowl away as what little appetite he had vanished with Naegi's words. Beside him Sonia looked concerned, but mostly confused and he could practically see the question hanging on the tip of her tongue as she forced herself to take another bite of her cereal.

"His parents… they were killed on a plane," his voice sounded gruff and pained even to his own ears.

"He told you?" Naegi inquired, that pleasant blank look lingering on his face and Hajime kind of wanted to hit him. "The plane was hit by a small meteor and had to make an emergency landing on a runway that was too short, he was one of the few survivors. Total freak accident, but I guess it was all over the news for months afterwards because of the strangeness of it and he was of particular interest to the media because his parents and a hijacker were killed by the meteor rather than in the crash itself. There were a lot of newspaper clippings in his file which is how we were able to piece together a lot of the details, but Kyouko recognized him from several news reports and case files she'd seen when she was a kid so that's how we were able to find and identify all of you as Hope's Peak students. It was lucky, I guess."

How many of the other things that Komaeda had told him were true?

"My goodness, I did not realize…" Sonia murmured, her face sad.

"You couldn't have known," Hajime commented quickly, wishing he could say the same. "Even when he told me about it he said he was lying. He isn't an easy person to know."

"I suppose not," Sonia replied, continuing to eat her cereal almost mechanically.

"Are the others up yet?" Hajime asked, turning his attention back to Naegi, eager for a change of subject.

Naegi shrugged, "Not that I've seen, but honestly I just woke up myself. Byakuya and Kyouko would have known better, they're both early risers. Sorry."

Silence fell between them as Sonia finished her breakfast slowly and methodically and Hajime drank his coffee.

The coffee was bitter and just shy of foul, but it suited his mood perfectly.

-ooo-

The shower in the men's locker room was dusty. Dusty and that the dust turned into a sort of slimy sludge that made the cracked tiles slippery beneath his feet as he stepped underneath the stream of water, spraying and spitting from the showerhead. The water was cold, just shy of freezing, but there was shampoo and conditioner and soap and even though the water was incredibly unpleasant it was still nice to be able to scrub the dirt and whatever else off. He stood near the door of his stall to scrub his filthy hair and score his body with soap and a rough sponge. His chest stung a little as he scrubbed the sponge across it and he frowned at the scraps and cuts there, Izuru must have done a really terrible job taking care of his body. His entire body seemed tender and bruised, knees, scalp, arms, everything hurt to one extent or another. He stepped back under the water to rinse the soap and shampoo away, cursing.

By the time he was finally finished showering his teeth were chattering painfully and his lips were probably blue, he still felt a thousand times better than he'd felt at any point since he'd fallen out of that pod as he shut off the water and grabbed the towel he'd draped over the stall door. He could hear Sonia showering still a few stalls down, the sounds of furious scrubbing loud in the otherwise quiet bathroom. Naegi had said he'd go tell the others where the showers were so they could get started and disappeared at the door with an apologetic smile. He'd offered to show Sonia to the women's locker room, but she'd insisted that was unnecessary and Naegi had left them saying he was going to go check on the others and let them know where the shower rooms were.

"I hope my showering here does not make you uncomfortable," Sonia had commented when they'd been alone in the locker room with their new clothes and towels and the bags of toiletries Naegi had handed them. "I should have asked…."

"No, it's fine. You know I don't mind."

"I did not, truly, however, I appreciate your understanding. The idea of being alone and naked, showering in a strange place… I find the idea disconcerting. Is that strange?"

"No, at least I don't think," Hajime replied, turning his back to her and stripping off his shirt. "I think this entire place is kind of creepy."

"It is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Everything seems to echo so strangely here. I don't believe I've ever been somewhere that's so… empty."

"Yeah."

The water shut off, summoning him from his thoughts. He quickly finished drying off so that, by the time Sonia emerged from her shower stall with her towel wrapped tightly around her, he'd managed to fumble his cold legs into underwear and pants. She offered him a small smile, "The water was… rather unpleasantly cold, wasn't it?"

"That's an awfully nice way of putting it," Hajime laughed, turning his back so she could get dressed as he pulled his shirt on. "I feel like we should post a buyer beware sign on the door to warn the others."

"Mr. Naegi did say the hot water came and went," she replied, her smile evident in her tone. "I do believe he might have been exaggerating slightly, however, as there was rather an abundance of went."

"There really was," Hajime sighed. "So, what are you planning for the rest of your day?"

"Ah, I thought I should go back and spend some time with Gundham. I found several paperbacks when we were at the store so I thought perhaps I could read to him. They are all books I've read before, but there are one or two I believe he might enjoy."

Hajime smiled, wincing as he yanked a brush through his hair. The conditioner had helped, but the tangles were still there, catching painfully on the bristles. "That sounds nice."

"What about yourself?"

"Oh, um, I thought I'd go find Kazuichi. I know he's probably going to want to check over the pods, so I thought I could help with that."

"Very well, please say hello for me, although I am quite certain I will see you when you stop by to see to Gundham's pod."

"Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and head out."

"Very well. I shall see you later, my friend."

"Yeah," he replied as he pulled the door open. He hesitated at the threshold though, not looking back in case Sonia wasn't finished dressing, but needing to say it nonetheless. "Thank you for last night."

"Think nothing of it, Hajime. You would do no less for any of us, I am quite certain." She replied easily, much closer than he expected as her hand closed on his arm giving it a gentle squeeze. He looked back and met her steady blue gaze. She's tied her long blond hair in an artless knot at the back of her head not even bothering with a brush. She smiled tightly at the direction of his gaze, "I thought I would ask Akane to help me with it. It's a bit too badly damaged to manage on my own."

"That's a good idea. She's good at that sort of thing."

"Yes, she's mentioned before that she'd been cutting her own hair since she was little and, honestly, I would like an excuse to spend time with her today that does not involve hours of exercise."

"I'm sure she'll be happy to help. She helped me with mine last night. I'll see you later then?"

"Yes. Enjoy your day, Hajime." Sonia replied, giving his arm a final squeeze before walking briskly away down the hall, her bare feet almost silent against the tiles.

After she was gone, Hajime turned away and walked through the silent hall the slap of his bare feet loud and echoing. He figured there was probably some trick to walking silently through these hallways like Sonia had, but damned if he could figure what it was as no matter how slow or fast or carefully he walked his footsteps seemed to echo just the same. He'd have to ask her about it later.

Instead of going to find Kazuichi like he'd originally intended, he found himself wandering outside instead. The pier was located right by the hospital down at the bottom of the cliff, the walkway down to it was a series of long ramps and platforms that had made it surprisingly easy to take the pods off the boat and push them up the ramps to the hospital. Presumably it had been built there to facilitate unloading emergency patients from the ferry.

He wondered vaguely if it was something that had always been there or if it was something that had been built recently. It looked old, like it had been there for years, but there was something about it that looked put on, strangely fake. Like someone had painted signs of wear over the newness of it to make it appear older than it was, but it was like painting over cigarette stains in an apartment. You could slap all the paint in the world on there, but the lingering scent always gave it away. Chances are it had been someone's idea of a joke. He didn't see the point, but someone had probably found it hilarious.

The pier stood empty except for an exceptionally forlorn looking dingy that bobbed along on the waves. A seagull perched on the lip of it, apparently unperturbed by the motion of the ocean. The considerably larger ferry they'd used to transport the pods was nowhere in sight. He hadn't thought they'd been in the shower all that long, but apparently it had been long enough for Naegi to gather Togami and head out to the Central Island to do whatever they intended to do there.

Standing on the cliff's edge looking out at the other islands he could see from that vantage point, it felt a little like he was the only person in the wide, wide world. He knew it wasn't true. He knew he could just go back inside at any time and he'd find his friends waiting somewhere in those suffocating halls. But he just… wasn't quite ready to go back yet.

Instead he stood out there on that cliff's edge for a long time watching the clouds sweep slowly across the darkening sky until he thought he could see the ferry leaving the central island in the distance. He closed his eyes as the wind picked up and tossed his hair across his face. It wasn't as terrible now that it was clean, but it still kind of gave him the creeps.

Maybe he should just shave it off.

Thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance.

It wasn't raining yet, but he could tell from the sharp tang of ozone on the wind and that it wouldn't be long.

He kind of wanted to stay there, standing inches from the edge, and wait for the rain to come so that he could feel the weight of it on his skin.

To know that it was real, that this was real, that he was real.

Maybe then he'd finally be able to believe it.

At odd moments all day it had felt like he was dreaming still.

Like at any moment he would hear Komaeda's voice in his ear or feel the touch of his hand against the back of his neck.

It was stupid, but it was a feeling he could never quite shake.

-ooo-

"Oh my gosh, you're totally gay for Komaeda, aren't you?" Kazuichi said, his eyes wide as saucers, dropping his wrench into the toolbox at his side.

"I'm pretty sure you could have found a more offensive way to phrase that if you had really, really tried, but you'd probably have to work at it," Hajime replied, sighing and rolling his eyes. "But I guess so. I don't know. I liked Chiaki, I think, but… I don't know. I never had much interest in having any kind of sex with anyone before… at least not that I really remember. But I definitely think about Komaeda that way, obviously. I was attracted to him in the game too so… I guess so, maybe. I don't know, probably. I probably am. I haven't really thought about that part of it too deeply yet, I guess."

"Oh, man, wow. Am I the first person you told?"

"No, Sonia knows. I told her about it last night."

"So she really did end up sleeping with you last night? Ugh. Jealous."

"It wasn't like that, but yeah, she stayed the night in my room. Helped clean up after I threw up everywhere. She's a good friend."

"No doubt, no doubt. Miss Sonia is a wonderful person. Hey, since you're gay now, can I tell you something?"

"Kazuichi, I'm not gay now, that's really not how it works. If I'm gay I was always… I mean, really, I'm the same person I was yesterday. I don't think you just wake up one morning and are just…"

"Sure, yeah, obviously, so," Kazuichi replied quickly, waving away his words like he was only half-listening. "Am I gay if I have like the one sexy dream about someone?"

"What the hell makes you think I'm suddenly the resident expert on whether or not you're queer?"

"Well, I mean don't you have like queer radar or something? I mean…."

"Oh my… Kazuichi… no. Just… stop talking," Hajime mumbled burying his burning face in his hands. Why? Why had he decided to talk to Kazuichi of all people about this? Clearly this had been a huge, huge, huge mistake. It had just seemed… easy or at least easier than talking to Akane or Fuyuhiko, because Kazuichi already kind of knew he'd been dreaming about Komaeda even if he hadn't known what and he'd wanted to talk about what Naegi had told them, but he hadn't wanted to bother Sonia and… ugh. He was such an idiot.

"Was that offensive again? Crap. Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean it like that, it's just, it's been bugging me and you told me about your thing, kind of, so… so I told you I had that dream about Gundham, right? Like before when we were still in the pods?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Right, right. So, so, right… so I didn't really tell you everything or, I guess, anything really because it was so… I don't know. It just… I didn't know if you'd be okay with it, but it's probably fine since you're having gay dreams too."

"Oh for fuck's sake…"

"I know, I know, sorry. Okay, so I'm at the beach house and I can hear the shower running so I'm thinking maybe it's one of the girls and, I know I shouldn't have been, but I decided I'd just peek in, you know, just to see who it was. And it was him and I mean… I always thought he was such a dork, you know, I mean when we were in the simulation. A really tough, scary dork- obviously- but still a total dork. It was just… he had those hamsters, right? And he was totally into those hamsters. I mean it's hard to take anyone who loves hamsters seriously especially when he gave them such goofy names."

"They weren't really that goofy…."

"They totally were, come on. But so anyway, he's in there showering and he's totally naked and I didn't think I'd ever seen him without the scarf before, but he's standing there under the water and I'm looking at his back and he has this patch of scars on the back of his neck that go right down the middle of his back, I mean they were just massive. They were like thick and ridged and like scars on top of scars, or maybe they were burn scars or something, I don't know, it was crazy. So, I'm staring at those scars and I'm thinking about how weird it is that I hadn't seen them before, but they looked really familiar and then I realize that I knew them, I knew those scars. That I knew what those ridges felt like under my fingers, under my tongue and I… I mean it was like this idea that I couldn't shake. I'm just standing there watching him and the room is so friggin' cold that I'm not sure how the heck he can stand showering in there and, I mean, it's not like I was getting off watching him or anything like that, I just… I just couldn't leave.

"So eventually he turns the water off and he turns around and sees me and he looks so shocked and he says something like, I don't know, 'what manner of fiend are you to be able to sneak up on one such as I? I will cast you down into the lowest levels of hell for daring to take on such a familiar visage.' Or some crazy thing like that, I mean, you remember how he talked. So, I'm like: 'No, relax already, I just came to see you.' Which wasn't really true, but it wasn't really a lie either, I mean, it's not like I didn't want to see him or anything. And he looked so freaking startled and his face was so red, it was almost, I don't know, cute, kinda. I mean- I always kind of hated him a little because he was getting all close to Sonia on the island, but… he was… I can remember him from before now too, at least a little, and I think he was always kind of like that, easily flustered and kind of awkward like that when he was complimented.

"He asked me to help out with something for this penguin he was looking after once. He wanted a portable refrigeration system because he was worried about it overheating because the owner didn't seem to understand that penguins were an animal with a very delicate constitution and they needed like a really specific environment in order to thrive and so we worked together on it and, I mean, he always seemed like he was this really sort of outrageous guy and he made up all these crazy stories, but when it was just the two of us, when it was about his animals, he was… I don't know, quieter, more normal maybe? A little bit, anyway. I mean, most people freaked me out, but he didn't. Not when he was quiet like that. But I'm standing there looking at him and I can't remember it exactly, but I can remember the way he would feel if we were to… it was just so weird. So we're just standing there and he's turned away and is getting dried off, but I can tell he's watching me like out of the corner of his eye like he's expecting me to make a move on him. Then he starts getting dressed and I know if I miss my chance I'll never get another and I want to know… I want to know if I really… really remember that and I know how stupid it sounds, I mean, obviously if I think I remember it and I'm dreaming about it then it's going to feel like I think I remember it. I mean, obviously, but I guess in a dream sometimes maybe you forget stuff like that because it seemed really important. So I kind of lunge at him and he jumps back, falling into a fighting stance and I'm like, 'whoa, whoa, I'm not gonna hurt you' and he looks confused again and it's all 'of course not, I would destroy you, but if you don't want a fight then what do you want of me, hell-beast?' And I'm all, 'I just want to touch the scars on your neck' and he looks at me for a really long time and then he just turns around and lets me. So, of course, I touch them and they're… they're just how I remember them and he's all 'don't think you can tempt me with such intimacies, I have trained six lifetimes to withstand the lustful intentions of incubi as I traverse the levels of this hell in search of the creatures of darkness' whatever the hell that was supposed to mean and I'm thinking 'you're so friggin' nuts', but I mean… it was like a challenge, right? And really, I mean, jerking another guy off isn't any different than jerking yourself off, especially in a dream, so I'm like, what the hell and I… put my hands on him and he's…"

"Kazuichi… I really don't know that I need to hear all the details."

"Oh, uh, right, obviously. So, I was gonna jerk him off, but I mean I'm standing really close to him now and I can see that he's got all these wounds, like he just looks all tore up and so I just end up touching those instead and I'm like 'you should really put something on these, they'll get infected' and he's all 'no infection could survive in a body conditioned to withstand the venom of the great basilisk' and then we spent what seemed like hours standing in the shower arguing about that shit and then I woke up and… I just had the worst freaking morning wood I've ever had. It was ridiculous. And then, of course, I realized I was locked in the pod and that killed that pretty darn fast. I mean, I love girls, they're soft and I mean… boobs! Boobs are amazing and I mean, I like Miss Sonia and all so… I mean, I just… Gundham. I mean, how can I be into Gundham? So, what do you think? Does that make me gay or bi or whatever?"

"You know you call him by his first name, right?"

"Huh? Wh- shoot. What the freaking heck? I do, don't I? How long have I been…?"

Hajime shrugged, "I don't know. At least since we woke up. I didn't really think about it, but you called him that when you were telling me about it before too."

"That's… that's so messed up. Don't tell anybody else, okay? I… I need to think about this some more."

"Sure," Hajime replied easily, tousling Kazuichi's pink hair. "You know it's okay, right?"

"Well, I mean, yeah, o-of course I do, just… my dad always used to call me…" he shook his head, shrugging and turning his attention to searching for something in his toolbox. "Whatever, it doesn't matter, I just never thought I actually was, you know, gay or bi or whatever though. Guys just never really did for me, but I guess maybe they did and I just don't remember it yet. Or you know, like all of it anyway. It's just… pretty crazy, I guess."

"Yeah, I have a feeling we're all going to find out we were all sorts of things we didn't realize we were by the time we actually remember everything."

"Yeah, probably. You doing okay with all this?"

"All what?"

"Everything, I guess."

"I don't know. Sometimes I stare in the mirror and I can't quite believe it's me looking back. I don't…" Hajime trails off, glancing at Ibuki's pod and frowning. He's not sure why he can't just say it. Why he can't just tell him what he's been thinking about all morning.

…I don't think I'm really Hinata Hajime, not really, not anymore.

I don't think I can be.

I don't know if I ever really was.

I'm not Kamukura Izuru either.

So, maybe I'm someone else.

Maybe the person I always really was.

But it isn't… I don't know that it has to be… a bad thing.

But I'm sorry.

I'm not who you think I am.

Just say it.

He'll understand. They'll understand.

Just say it.

"I don't know," he finishes finally, feeling like the worst kind of coward.

Dammit.

-ooo-

"Well, you look like shit," Akane commented, never one to mince words, as she flopped down at the table beside him with a plate full of food and plastic bottle of milk.

He closed his eyes for a minute; fully aware that there was absolutely no reason he should throw up. It was just milk. Milk was just milk, it wasn't anything else and he needed to stop being such a fucking freak about this, about everything. He needed to get it together.

"Like really, really awful. You wanna talk about it or something?"

"No."

"Well, I do. So start talking already," she commanded. "It isn't good for your body to hold these things in. You gotta let it out. Just say what you need to say, it's not like I'm gonna judge you for anything."

"I'm having weird, fucked up wet dreams about Komaeda and honestly it's freaking me out. Also, do you think you can maybe chug and toss that milk? Looking at it is making me nauseous."

He hadn't meant to say all that. He really, really hadn't meant to say all that.

"No problem," she replied easily and to his eternal surprise, he heard the plastic crack of a cap coming loose and the quiet glug of a bottle being emptied before the sharp sound of a plastic bottle hitting the trash bin resounded through the room. "All done. So just like standard sex stuff or was it the freaky stuff? I could totally see you being embarrassed by the freaky stuff. Doesn't mean that's who you are. I used to dream about some guy I liked from back home jizzing all over my tits. Dreams never hurt anybody, Hajime. Just the body flushing away your frustrations," Akane commented, hunching over her plate so she could more easily continue to shovel food in her mouth as she spoke. It was kind of impressive how well she was managing to talk even though her mouth was full pretty much the entire time. "Seriously, you're a nice guy and while plenty of nice guys do shitty things, I don't think you're one of those. Plus, you and Komaeda always had kind of a weird relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if he really dug you dreaming freaky sex stuff about him. He was kind of super crazy so he might have been into all kinds of different stuff and he was definitely into you so it's probably all good."

"Everyone always says that. That Komaeda liked me, I mean."

"Because it's true. I was out late running like the first maybe the second night we were there and I was walking back to my cabin and I totally heard him whacking it and moaning your name. Hard to miss something like that, but even without that I'm sure everybody knew he was into you. You know he was too. It's not like he was subtle about it."

He wasn't even sure what he was supposed to do with that and really the last thing he needed was that image in his head. "Um, thanks, I guess."

"No problem," Akane shrugged as she scrapped up the last of her noodles.

"Where'd you get all that anyway?" He asked gesturing to her plate.

"Oh, there were all kinds of instant foods in the kitchen; like just a ton of different stuff. So I just made up a bunch of different things and slapped it on a plate. I've gotta whole lot of meals to catch up on, after all." Akane replied, slapping her stomach before cracking open a bottle of water.

"You'll get there," Hajime replied, offering her a weak smile. "How was your day?"

"Not bad. I went out this morning to run laps around the island. I was totally spent by the second lap so I pushed it through a third and went and took a shower. Hot water is broken, by the way. I can already feel my muscles tensing up like crazy. I've got a long way to go to get back in shape. I really wish Nekomaru were here to do it to me," she sighed, slumping down against the table. "What about you? What'd you do?"

"Avoided my room mostly. Had breakfast with Sonia and Naegi, took a shower, helped Kazuichi check the pods, took a shower, stared aimlessly at the ocean for a while, that sort of thing."

"Mm. So was it like really bad? Your dream, I mean?"

Hajime sighed, "Kind of. It's tough to describe. It was mostly disturbing, like it really bothers me that that kind of stuff turns me on. Makes me feel kind of sick."

"Dreams are weird that way, I guess. I mean we've all kind of got them on the brain, right? I mean, I dreamt about Nekomaru last night. He was just running endless laps around the island and I'm chasing after him trying to talk to him and he just runs faster and faster like he can't hear me or he's trying to ignore me or something. I'm an idiot too. I mean, obviously, I should have just stayed in one place and caught him as he went around, but I can't help wanting to compete with him. I was completely wiped out when I woke up this morning. My stamina is just awful now even in my dreams. Crazy, huh?"

"Yeah, crazy," Hajime replied, frowning.

-ooo-

DAY THREE
-ooo-

"Been looking everywhere for you. The hell are you doing in here?" Fuyuhiko commented, throwing himself down into the chair opposite Hajime at the break room table. "You look like shit warmed over a pit, brother."

"Yeah, well, you don't look so hot yourself. Did you even sleep at all last night?" Hajime replied pushing himself up to go top off his coffee. "You want some?"

"A little, not much. Spent a lot of time just sitting up staring at her pod like maybe if I stared at it long enough it'd just pop open and out she'd come saying she was sorry for being late. I don't know. And, hell no, I don't want any of your damn coffee. That old ass coffee is bitter as hell," Fuyuhiko grimaced, laying his head down against his folded arms, his feet tapping a restless beat beneath the table. "I tried having a cup last night. You know that shit expired last year?"

"Yeah, Naegi mentioned something about not being able to restock anything because of the storm, but I somehow doubt Togami is drinking this."

"Probably not. Bet he brought his own. He seems like that sorta guy, doesn't he? He's really nothing like the one we knew. That guy was so concerned about everyone. Trying to protect us and everything? I'm pretty sure this one wouldn't piss on us if we were on fire."

"Right? I was thinking the same thing this morning. I liked ours a lot better. I found some sugar in the cabinets earlier, if that helps you out?"

"There isn't enough sugar in the whole damn whole to sweeten that sludge up."

"Yeah, that's probably true," Hajime replied, taking a sip of his coffee as he rejoined Fuyuhiko at the table, grimacing. "It really is just awful. Like drinking motor oil, but it does the job, I guess. Think that's just the age or do you think the coffee was terrible to begin with?"

"That's like asking about the chicken and the egg. I mean, what the hell's that matter? It's rotten any damn way you drink it now. What the heck are you even doing drinking coffee this late anyway? You'll never get to sleep that way."

"That's the plan."

"What? Really? Why? What's going on?"

"Nightmares. I really don't want to talk about it," Hajime grumbled taking another sip of the possibly toxic sludge they were charitably calling coffee. And he really didn't. He'd talked about it more today than he'd ever intended to really. "How are you doing with all this?"

"Shit, I don't know. It's weird. I went out to shower this morning and I couldn't even bring myself to look in the fucking mirror, you know? Scare the shit out of myself every time I catch a glimpse of my reflection in things. I look so damn old and I keep banging my head on just every damn thing. I'm so damn tall now and my balance is shot too. She wouldn't even recognize me like this. She's gonna wake up and she's not even gonna fucking know me." His expression twisted, sour and a little sad, "How the hell are we supposed to do this? How are we supposed to help them when we can't even help ourselves?"

"We just do it together and take it a step at a time, I guess, it's the only way any of this works," Hajime replied, reaching out to grip and squeeze one of Fuyuhiko's big hands. It was really strange seeing him like this, but… in the end he wasn't so different. Bigger, taller, a few more scars, but he still had the same smirk, he still got embarrassed the same way, cursed the same way and underneath all that he was still the same rough, earnest, caring boy he'd always been. "You're still Kazuryuu Fuyuhiko. She'll know it's you. I think she'd know you anywhere no matter what you looked like, no matter how many years there were between you, she'd still know you."

He shrugged, sighing and squeezing Hajime's hand back once before releasing it, "Yeah, maybe. What've you been up to today?"

"Avoiding going back to my room mostly," Hajime replied honestly. "I'm just trying to keep myself busy so I helped Kazuichi check on the connections for all the pods and I did a couple laps of the island with Akane. It's pretty much exactly the same size as it was in the game. Has a lot of the same stuff too."

"Heh," Fuyuhiko smirked a little, "you always call it a game. Not a simulation or the island or anything like the rest of us, but a game. Guess that gamer girl really rubbed off on you, huh?"

"I don't know, maybe, but mostly it's just… that's what we were doing the whole time. We were just playing a game from the moment we woke up. We just never really understood that, never understood the stakes we were playing for either. I get why they did it that way, I guess, kind of, but can't help thinking how much different things might have been if someone… if Nanami or Monomi had just told us what was going on from the start or at least once Monokuma showed up."

"I don't know about that. You really think Komaeda wouldn't have just gone off the rails like he did harder and faster if he'd known everything sooner? We'd have been fucking lucky if any of us managed to get out of there alive. That guy was completely…"

"Stop," Hajime said it quietly, laying his palms flat against the table, because he didn't trust himself not to do something he'd immediately regret. There must have been something in his tone because Fuyuhiko didn't say another word for a long time. He couldn't bring himself to look up at him; instead he chose to just stare at the back of his hands where they lay flat against the cheap folding table.

"Shit," Fuyuhiko said eventually, his voice soft with remorse. "I'm a freakin' dumbass. You could have just said… nah, I should have just realized that he was important to you and kept my big mouth shut about it. If he wasn't you'd be in Mikan's room or something instead of his." It wasn't a question, but he almost wanted to deny it because just thinking about Komaeda still made panic bubble up in his chest. It was like a subject he couldn't avoid today it seemed no matter what he did. All conversations eventually led to Komaeda.

"It's just," Hajime began, halting and hesitant. "I don't think he's anymore the horrible things he's done than we are."

"Yeah, that's probably fair," Fuyuhiko replied, slumping back in his chair, making it scrap back over the floor. The sound seemed too loud in the little room, "I'm sorry, I really stepped in it there. I just… I remember his fucking laugh. I mean, I remember other shit too, but not a whole hell of a lot, you know? I'm not sure I even want to. I mean, shit, I can't even look at myself. I can't even bring myself to look at this," he confessed tapping a finger against the black fabric of the patch over his eye. "I know I can't see. I know that there's a fucking desiccated eyeball in there and the scarring around it is horrible, just these thick ass ridges like I reached in and gouged the damn thing out myself and I-I can't even imagine how fucked up I had to be that I'd do that to myself. That Peko would let me. I mean, what the hell did she do to us? What the hell did we do to ourselves, to each other, to let things go that far? And I can't remember any of it, but I can remember the sound of that bastar- sorry. I can remember Komaeda's crazy fucking laugh echoing in my head like he was there and, I don't know, I guess some of us had to be there so…."

"He's the one who took her hand," Hajime commented, meeting Fuyuhiko's gaze.

Fuyuhiko's eye narrowed a bit, scrutinizing, "How do you-"

"I remembered something when I was… when we were still in the game. Izuru traveled to the island in the same container as Komaeda. They didn't know each other. Komaeda's hand though, the left one, it was definitely her hand."

"That's just... gross. Fuck," Fuyuhiko murmured, shivering. "Think he's still…"

"I don't know. Maybe. Probably. Seemed like putting us in the pods like they did happened pretty fast. Not a lot of time for cosmetic surgery."

"Yeah, I guess not. That's so messed up," Fuyuhiko blew out a loud breath, shifting his gaze to stare at the ceiling for a long moment. "Who do you think…?"

He trailed off, but it wasn't difficult to figure out what he was referring to. "I don't know. I feel terrible for hoping it was someone else, but I still really don't want it to have been me."

Fuyuhiko snorted, amused, "Yeah, because I can really see you screwing a corpse, virgin. Are you sure you even know where they hide slot A? There's a better chance that it was me or Souda than that it was you."

"It wouldn't seem so far-fetched if you knew what I've been dreaming about lately."

"Have you been dreaming about making it with Enoshima's rotting corpse?"

"No, but…"

"Then I'm still saying it wasn't you. A couple of freaky, fucked up dreams don't make you into necrophilia, Hajime. Hell, I'd be more surprised if you weren't dreaming about crazy shit with all that's happened. Besides, we all know it was absolutely Hanamura."

Hajime chuckled a little holding a hand over his mouth like he could smother the sound, "God, it probably was too. That's really terrible."

"Right? That bastard was just so…"

"Stop it, it's not funny," Hajime replied, still chuckling a bit in spite of himself.

"It really fucking shouldn't be, but it absolutely is. Besides, none of us really knew him well enough to mount a believable defense. I mean, he was just this scared little shit who tried to kill Komaeda and ended up sticking our Togami instead." Fuyuhiko smirked, snagging Hajime's coffee and taking a sip, grimacing. "Yup, just as bad as it was earlier. Shit, I don't know how you can choke down that swill."

"Means to an end, my friend, means to an end," Hajime laughed, retrieving his cup and taking another long drink. He felt almost punch-drunk. Everything ached and the world was bleary and nothing felt quite real. Like he'd been awake for days rather than hours.

"So, why the heck are you trying to stay up, huh?"

"I'm just… not quite ready to sleep yet, that's all." It had been easy to talk about his dreams, about Komaeda, with Sonia. It hadn't been all that bad talking about it with Kazuichi or Akane either, but he couldn't imagine how he would even begin to frame such a conversation with Fuyuhiko. He'd probably have to start it with coming out and see how that went before he even broached the Komaeda topic and he just… wasn't sure he was up for that much serious talk so late… or early he supposed if the clock on the wall was to be believed.

"You know… last night I dreamed about training with Peko in the amusement park like we did when we were kids. The training part, obviously, not the amusement park part, we never did fun, goofy kid shit like that. But, you know, when she wakes up, I want to. I want to do shit like that with her and you and all those other bastards."

"I think that sounds like fun."

"Yeah. So, what's going on with you? I heard Sonia slept in your room last night."

"Who told you that?"

Fuyuhiko snorted, "Sonia. She came to see me before she went to bed. Ordered me to get off my dead ass, stop pouting like a kid and come check in with you. She didn't actually say it like that, of course. When she said it it sounded all polite and 'please' and 'thank you' and 'won't you do me this one favor' but, looking back on it, I'm pretty damn sure she basically meant that I was going to go check in with you or she was gonna make me sorry I was ever born."

Hajime smiled, "She's something else, huh?"

"You got that right. She's terrifying. Bet she could run the whole damn world if she wanted. Still don't get how she ended up stuck with us. She's got her shit together more than the rest of us put together."

"I don't know," Hajime murmured, reaching out to squeeze Fuyuhiko's shoulder, because Sonia's secrets weren't his to tell. "But I think it was probably the same for all of us. We felt alone. We couldn't accept who we were or trust people enough to lean on them when we needed to. That's why I think, no matter what we remember, as long as we have each other, we'll be okay now."

You'll be able to tell if I stop being me, he doesn't say.

"Heh, you think so too, huh?" Fuyuhiko murmured, smothering a smile against his folded arms. "I gotta admit that it's nice to have someone to talk to. To have people I can depend on to help me keep standing. Before it was just me and Peko and even that wasn't what I wanted it to be, you know? And I didn't know how to get it across to make her understand, to really hear what I wanted or accept it. I mean, obviously I failed pretty miserably at that because we're here and I still don't really know how it happened, but I know it probably wouldn't have if I'd been… better at articulating that shit. And I don't know if I know any better now how to un-fuck everything that I… that we fucked up in the first place, but I feel like I can at least find the guts to try and keep trying until I do. It's easy to hope for a better future when you've got friends you can depend on to get you there."

"You're such a fucking sap," Hajime replied, sipping his bitter coffee.

"You're one to talk, bastard."