Aelin POV

"Why would I be able to translate it?" I cried as I flung my arms up in the air. There was no way I could possibly know some language from the beginning of time.

"Can we go in the house and talk about it, I think you might be the key to the whole thing," Rhysand said calmly bringing his hands up in a pleading gesture. Azriel and Cassian exchanged a look, Rhysand must not beg very often. I reluctantly nodded, we'd already gone through this much trouble.

We all went inside and gathered around the table in the dining room and Rhysand carefully carried two halves of a large, tattered book into the room. Although they looked old and musty, I could sense the power radiating from it, calling to me.

I took one look at the scrawlings on the first page and said, "there is no way I can read that." Just the look of the black lines swirled across the paper made me shiver, but there was something eerily familiar about the symbols.

"There's no way that this could be translated?" Rhysand asked. I was about to shake my head and crush his hopes when I remembered Nehemia. Her memory crushed me every time I thought about her. I couldn't focus on how she was gone, I had to think; Nehemia had mentioned things about extremely old languages, extremely old magic. Maybe she'd know something about this one, she told me never to contact her again, but it had to be done. For Myriam. If Rowan lost his first child, he would be even more heartbroken, knowing that he could've done something to save her, and I would never forgive myself.

"There may be one way, but it could cost us dearly. This plan may bring hideous monsters into this world, and we may or may not even be able to have the book translated," I said quietly. Rowan and Dorian looked at me with eyes wider than I'd ever seen; they knew what I was implying and they didn't like the idea at all. Dorian had firsthand experience to witness what happened when I opened the portal. Last time, I almost didn't make it out with my life, let alone a child's life. But this won't be last time. I'll be more prepared. This room is filled with skilled warriors, it's nothing we can't handle.

"It's worth a shot," Rhysand said, "what do you have to-"

"You don't understand," I yelled, cutting off his words. My eyes started to water at the thought of seeing Nehemia again, only by doing the one thing she specifically asked me not to do. "If I do this, I will be breaking every law of the universe. And if something goes wrong, I may pay for it dearly," I looked at Rowan as tears slid down my cheeks.

I saw the realization dawn on his face and he said, "no, you can't. I won't let you do this." He came to my side and held both of my hands while pleading, "Aelin please, please don't do this."

"I'm so sorry, Rowan," I stifled the tears that were threatening to fall. He didn't deserve this. Hadn't he been through enough already? If something went wrong and I lost this child, it would rip him to shreds. He'd hate me forever. I should just go home. Go home and leave these people to fend for themselves, I didn't owe them anything anyway. I could go back to the kingdom with Rowan and have this child and everything would be alright, but doing this would save his daughter with his mate. Myriam was the closest thing he had to Lyria. My child couldn't compare with her.

But I knew I had to do it, because I knew deep down that if I were in their position, I'd want any help I could get, no matter the cost.

"Gods, I'm sorry. Everything will be alright and if it doesn't… Please forgive me," I whispered one more time before Rowan stormed out of the house. I saw a flash of light through the door and saw a white-tailed hawk fly away.

I turned to the others and through tears, I saw Dorian and Aedion standing uncomfortably, not knowing what was happening. Lysandra grabbed both of their arms and led them outside as I sat in one of the chairs with my head in my hands. I heard Lysandra tell them about my pregnancy, and what could happen if I went through with this plan. I heard both Aedion and Dorian's sharp intakes of breath and I knew they wouldn't let me get through with this. But they also knew nothing could stop me.

Mor and Feyre had taken seats beside me and were rubbing my arms and murmuring things to me but I couldn't hear them. All I could think about was how devastated Rowan would be if things went awry. He'd blame himself for not trying harder to keep me from doing this. Not only would he hate me, he'd hate himself.

I had to do this, so I wiped my eyes, took out my dagger and said, "Rhysand, give me your hand."

Rowan's POV

I flew until I couldn't fly anymore. After a while, I landed on a thick branch and shifted back into my fae form, and for a long time, I just sat on that branch. I didn't move-couldn't move.

How could she do this? Our child could die-she could die. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something terrible happened. The knowledge that I could have stopped her would haunt me for the rest of my immortal life.

Aelin's death wouldn't be the same as what happened with Lyria. I could feel it in my bones, I wouldn't be able to come back from this. Of course I loved Lyria, she was my mate and my equal and I was broken after I thought she died.

But Aelin was different, she'd breathed life back into me when I thought life was no longer worth living. She had made me believe in the world again, made me able to hope for things when I had completely given up. Aelin had become the only reason that I was able to wake up in the morning without dreading the day ahead of me. Aelin had reminded me that true, pure happiness was possible in a world of such hatred and sadness.

Yes, I had loved Lyria, but Aelin had become part of my soul-of my very being, and I knew I'd never find another person like her ever again. I'd never come back from the grief that her death-our child's death-would cause me.

I remembered the night that she'd almost burnt out, and how I had to carry her to a tub of cold water. That memory flashed through my mind.

As Aelin's skin had seared mine, causing excruciating pain, I'd kept running. It didn't matter how much pain I was in or how fast I had to run, I just knew I had to save her. I kept thinking that it would be my fault if she died; I had pushed her too far, I had told her to keep going when she physically couldn't.

It had been my fault, and then when I saw her scars I was so angry. I felt so betrayed, so I'd left her there. Alone. I made her feel useless, I thought she was just some snobby girl who didn't want responsibilities. She never corrected me, she just took it. Gods, I don't deserve her.

I realized that that was what I had just done. She was so heartbroken when I left but I was so stuck in my own head that I didn't stop to think about her-about what she thought of all of this. What kind of person had I become? I had to go back, no matter how angry I was-how much I didn't want her to do what she inevitably would; I had to just be there.

I shifted back into my hawk form and flew as fast as I could back to the house. I wouldn't leave her, not again. I would do anything in my power to ensure her and our child's safety. To whatever end.