Chapter 9

They were just kisses. They weren't supposed to mean much. But Piper knew it was something when she went to bed and dreamt about it, longing for more, waking up this morning, tensed and wet. She was unsure if it was her true feelings or just her needs after being in Litchfield for almost a month without physical intimacy with anyone. She wouldn't know how to keep a calm façade next time she'd phone Larry. She just felt horribly guilty for having dreamt about it.

"I can't do this, Red. I'm sorry. I guess I'm not cut for it."

"Well, then, I guess we'll just have to put her back in the SHU," Red said with her heavy Russian accent, shrugging slightly. She was sitting behind her desk, a cup of coffee in her hand.

Piper mentally groaned. Her legs were so sore, her feet swollen, due to the walk from the infirmary for this meeting. "No, please, it—it wasn't her fault—"

"She posted threats. She is dangerous."

Piper wanted to wipe that smirk off Red's face, but decided against it. "You can't do that to her. Locking her up again will only make it worse. Please, Red, there must be other way."

Red shook her head. "We had a deal. We only released her from the SHU because you promised to keep an eye on her."

"Spy. You wanted me to spy on her. But I don't think it's going to work."

"Why not? You were so confident yesterday that you could keep her powers in check, that she trusts you enough. What happened?" Red spoke over her coffee.

"N—nothing happened. I just think that she's—"

Red's eyes suddenly widened, and she burst out laughing, almost spilling the coffee. "You two kissed!?"

It wasn't really a question, but a statement. Piper blushed hotly as Red continued to laugh. "You read my mind!? I thought you said that you don't read minds unless it's absolutely necessary!"

"But you kept thinking about it over and over again. Your thoughts were very loud. I couldn't help it." Red rested her cheek on her palm, watching Piper with a motherly smile.

Piper looked down for a second. "It was just a slip. Please don't tell anyone about this."

"I would never talk about other people's private thoughts. But surely… you've been working diligently on her."

"Please, stop!" Piper's ears were burning now.

Red chuckled, putting the coffee down on the desk. "Whatever you do, young woman, keep your head clear, or you might end up being used again. Vause is like a snake. She'll end up biting you, not because she hates you, but it's just who she is."

Piper stopped, lost in her thoughts. Seeing how vulnerable Alex had been the past weeks, Piper hardly saw her as a predator anymore. Alex needed help more than ever. "Why don't you read Alex's mind to find out more about the syndicate? That way I don't have to spy on her."

I just can't be near her. Bad, bad idea. Piper cursed herself.

"I tried reading her and Mendez while they were drugged, but their memories were very disoriented and fragmented. It's difficult to read when the person is asleep or in an unhealthy state. The clearest reading would be current thoughts like you were having."

"Alex would be awake soon," Piper suggested.

"A trained person like Vause would know instantly if I try to get into her head. And she would distrust us. Now we have a better idea. You. You can get closer to her than the rest of us. You two fought for each other. She must have some level of trust on you. It should be an easy job for you."

Piper sat still. She didn't want to imagine how others had perceived her relationship with Alex. It must have looked bad particularly in Howard's eyes. "But I'm new here. Aren't you afraid that I might side with her and betray you instead?"

Red stared at her, and Piper immediately stiffened. "Were you two just good friends, I don't think you need to answer that. Howard and I trust you on this, because we feel that you really want to help Vause. She's too involved with them. Without Litchfield, she's going to get dragged back into whatever mess she had been in, and next time there's no guarantee that she'll make it out alive. Everyone needs some supports, Piper. She needs your help."

She needs me…? Piper pondered about Alex's phone conversation with Diane last night. Alex was obviously on a run, and the matter seemed serious enough that she had to relocate her mother for safety reasons. It ached Piper's heart to see Alex with her head down, cornered and beaten. She was torn between her loyalty to Larry and her damning need to keep Alex safe.

"Why are you smiling like an idiot?"

Alex looked up from her lunch tray on the overbed table. "What?"

"I said you were smiling like an idiot." Nicky, sitting on the edge of Piper's bed, patted her hand over the crumpled, white sheet. "Where did she go?"

"No idea. She's already gone when I woke up."

Nicky narrowed her eyes. "Did something happen last night? Is that why you were smiling like a crazy bitch?"

"No, I wasn't smiling." Alex picked up a biscuit from the plate. "Want some? It's quite good."

"You're lame, Vause. Come on, what happened?"

Alex raised her brows, biting the biscuit. "She kissed me," she said with a mouthful.

Nicky grinned from ear to ear. "Must be one hell of a kiss to get Alex Vause all dreamy! Did you kiss her back?"

"...kind of." Alex thought of the heat their bodies radiating during those crazy moments their lips clashed. It was almost intolerable. It amazed her that they were able to break apart and went to bed without going further, their injuries being a big reason for it.

Nicky laughed, slapping her knee. "Fucker. So what is it? Are you two back together now, or was it just caught in a moment thing?"

"I think she just missed her fiancé," Alex said, trying to convince herself so. She shouldn't get her hopes up. She shouldn't dwell on it.

"Ouch."

Alex just shrugged. "Hey, Jess told me about a girl leaving the South. You think you could get me that room? I don't want to sleep in the lounge when I get out of here. After everything that's happened around me, they'd probably try to murder me in my sleep."

"Jess? Who's Jess?"

"Jessica Wedge."

Nicky went silent for a moment before her eyes twinkled. "Seriously, Vause!? I thought she hated your guts!"

"She still does." Alex smirked.

"All right, man. All right, I give it to ya!" Nicky chuckled. "Yeah, Mercy is getting out tomorrow. It should be vacant, if no one else's snatched it already. I'll talk to Red about the room."

Red. Everyone knew how terrifying a mind reader could be. It wasn't their superpower abilities, but one's own secrets that made 'the gift' so threatening. Alex had no doubt that Red must have tried reading her memories, while she was locked up in the SHU. But it would be a silly trip. She was rather certain that Red hadn't gotten much out of it.

"Hey, now, Red is good," Nicky said. She knew what Alex was thinking by just looking at her.

Alex's eyes narrowed in contempt. "She tried to get to my head while I was unconscious. She was all over the place, Nicky. She was fucking everywhere. I can still feel her presence in my dreams last night. I hate it when she does that, walking all over in my fucking head."

Nicky's mouth popped in awe. "You could tell even though you were drugged? Some trainings you got from those people."

"They helped me become stronger than Litchfield would ever make me. They're scared of me." Alex thought back to those early years with Fahri. At times she wondered how different her life would be if she had never joined the syndicate. She had strayed too far to come back now, hadn't she?

Nicky studied her for a long moment. "What did you do? You killed for them?"

Alex had to look away at Nicky's unusually solemn tone. There had been incidents. There had been accidents. Sometimes the line was so blurred that she wasn't sure what to think anymore.

Nicky sighed. "You're home now, Vause. Maybe we should talk."

"About what? They already knew years ago that I worked for Kubra. It's nothing new."

Shaking her head, Nicky chewed her toothpick. "Don't sound so cold. Mr. Bloom was very disappointed when you left. It's a good thing that he still welcomes you back. Not to mention that he let you out of the SHU on the first day he got back from Germany. He's like a father to us all. And you know that, in your heart, that's why you came back."

Alex remained silent. She knew how her friend had always looked up to Red and Howard as parental figures, given Nicky's problems with her mother since young age. It was the case for many residents here as well.

Then the two looked up when Polly entered. "Hey, guys." The petite brunette greeted, and moved to Piper's bedside table.

Alex watched Polly collect the iPad, the gray scarf and the crimson, wool sweater. "Why are you taking them? Where's Piper?"

"She's feeling much better today, so she's moving back to the dorm. I'm here to help her get her things. Her legs are still pretty bad."

"What? So fast, huh?" Nicky raised a brow, biting down the toothpick.

Polly put Piper's belongings into her bag and turned to smirk at Alex. "Get well soon." Then, she walked off, leaving the duo dumbstruck.

Alex leaned back against the pillows. She couldn't believe it. It was only a kiss. Well, kisses. Hot, needy kisses. But it hurt like a bitch that Piper decided to just up and leave. There had been no words exchanged between them since they kissed last night. They had returned to bed, watching each other from their beds until they fell asleep. Last night was like a dream; hectic, exciting but silent. But today the blonde had sent her friend to get her things, clearly not wanting to see Alex or bothering to explain.

"What the fuck was that about? Ah, man. Straight girls. They'll fuck you up every time." Nicky groaned. She then leaped from Piper's bed to sit at Alex's blanketed feet instead. She grabbed the peeled orange from the lunch tray and gobbled up. "But, hey, she really cared about you," she added.

Alex whipped her glasses up to rest atop her head, squinting out the window. "Fuck her."

Nicky leaned over the overbed table. "She begged me to take her to the SHU just to see you. I'd never dare, if she didn't look like she was about to have a nervous breakdown. She didn't even think of the consequences if she were caught, which by the way, she was."

Alex stopped. "... She was caught?"

"Yeah, but you know, being Mr. Bloom's daughter-in-law has its perks. She also got me off the hook!"

"Howard is not yet her father-in-law." Alex responded too fast for her own liking, and she had to look away. She groaned as she threw her head back, staring up at the ceiling. "Fuck. Why am I the only person who got punished around here?"

Nicky laughed, but her gaze was searching. "Because you left us, Vause. Don't ever do that again."

Alex inwardly sighed. I wish.

"Marry me."

The phone pressed to her right ear, Piper briefly shut her eyes. Her cast, left arm suddenly felt very itchy. "Larry, I'm sure you know that this isn't a good time. We've been over this."

"But you've been attacked. You almost died, Piper! You almost died on that island, and I couldn't even go see you! It's like you don't even exist anymore. I can't reach you." Larry heavily sighed into the phone. "I can't do this. I don't want to lose you... Do you?"

Piper's grip on the phone tightened. No, she didn't want to change. She didn't want to lose herself. She missed the extravagant parties. She missed her friends and their harmless gossips. Their brunches and yoga classes. Just by hearing Larry's voice, the days of her ordinary life came rushing to her. Those lively, carefree days when she never got hurt, or hurt anyone.

But then there was another world beyond the life she had led. And it was as real as it was going to get. It was Litchfield and its people. It was something Larry would never be a part of—a life even her own family would never understand.

"I don't know how to explain it. I'm… I guess you're right. I'm in another world completely. There've been really scary situations here, but at the end of the day they're people... like me. And I am like them. It's gonna sound crazy, but… I think I truly belong here."

Larry scoffed in disbelief. "You've been there for only about a month, Piper. You're saying that you know them more than me? That you connect with them more than me? That is ridiculous! Is this why you don't want to get married now? No. No, I don't—no, I don't buy it. Is... Is there someone else, Piper?"

The thought of the kisses last night abruptly hit her, and Piper felt a huge pang of guilt hanging over her head. "Larry… No, that's not what I meant," Piper said, looking out the window to the beautiful view of sunset in the front yard of the North. Her gaze trailed to the small building next to the Gym; the infirmary, first floor. Where had her heart gone when she was stuck in a telephone booth, discussing her uncertain future?

Piper took a deep breath in and continued. Her voice was tired, her mind exhausted. "Larry, I'm a freak. The things that I've done here, you'd be terrified to know. If you get to see the people here, you'd be scared too. I don't think you're going to like it. Not at all. You didn't sign up for this. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not scared of you, Piper. Never. I love you, you know that." His tone softened, and Piper bit her bottom lip. "You'll leave that place one day. You can't live there forever."

"Some people do."

"Do you—" Larry groaned in frustration. "Do you still love me?"

Piper frowned. "What are you talking about? Of course, I do."

"Then take the ferry tomorrow! We'll fly to Vegas the next flight available. I don't even care about the ceremony or—or the guests now. Just the two of us."

Rocking on her chair, Piper mentally slapped herself in the face. "God, I'm not going to repeat myself again. I'm not allowed to leave the island. If you really want our wedding to go through, maybe you should talk to your dad about it."

"That's the idea! He's leaving Germany today. So I'll be able to catch him tomorrow sometimes in the afternoon, I guess. I'm gonna have a serious talk with him, and I'll tell you later how it goes."

"Yeah… yeah, ok," Piper muttered.

It appeared that Howard's family didn't know that he'd been back for at least two days now. Piper wondered how many more things Howard had been keeping from his family all these years. She wondered if she would have to keep things from Larry too after they married. In just a little less than a month here, she already felt that she'd experienced things that she'd never be able to share with him.

The temporary female ward was empty tonight. Ms. Claudette took a few days leave for business outside of Litchfield. Daya was supposed to be on watch tonight, but Alex insisted that she'd be fine, letting the nurse go on a date with Bennett. It was Nicky again who had sneaked them out of the island. When Lorna asked to tag along, they then decided to go on a double date. Alex could only silently grumble at her misfortune. She was still too ill to leave, and the thought of Piper avoiding her since morning just pissed her off.

The other patients had already moved back to their dorms. There were some male patients left, but they were upstairs. It was awfully quiet on the first floor.

Fuck it.

Alex pulled open the drawer and fished out a pack of cigarettes Nicky had left this afternoon. Grabbing the lighter, she put on her gray jacket and made her way out of the building. Quickly, she found an empty bench some distance away from the entrance.

Alex exhaled the first puff, and sighed in content. She had quit smoking twice during the past six years, but always gave in to cravings. She took another puff, and exhaled the plume of smoke up, staring at the starry sky. It was a very clear night, the air getting colder. It was almost December.

"A beautiful night, isn't it?"

Alex paused. She remembered the voice without having to turn around to see who it was. "It is," she mumbled.

Howard was wearing a blue sweater and a pair of khakis. He sat down next to her, smoking his pipe. Alex had returned to Litchfield while Howard was still away in Germany. It was the first time they had the chance to meet properly.

"Your return had taken me by great surprise. I am still undecided how to feel about it. What to do, or how to deal with you," Howard said. "You can imagine how shocked and displeased some were. Sometimes I am convinced that your true powers is to confuse and damn people."

Alex took another drag. "I'm not surprised that Healy is still at it. Some people don't ever change. Well… thanks for getting me out of the SHU."

Howard kept quiet for a moment. "Healy went too far, yes. And I wouldn't want to see an old friend locked up in there. It was a terrible thing to witness."

Alex raised a brow. "We're still friends after all the shit that went down?"

"Of course, or else I'd have Healy throw you out of Litchfield on your first day back. Your optimism has always intrigued me." Howard looked the other way. "I assume that you're in trouble. Is your mother safe?"

Alex stiffened at the mention of Diane.

Howard turned to look at her, his gaze deadly serious. "If something happens to her, Alex, I will personally—"

"Fuck you. You have no rights." Alex took in the last drag and stabbed the cigarette into the ground. "I repaid every cent for her surgeries. You have no rights to even ask about her now." She lit up another cigarette and let out an angry puff of smoke.

"It was never about the money."

"It was to me. To us."

Howard adjusted his glasses a little. "I understand how you feel, but what Diane and I had—"

"You had nothing. She never loved you. Don't you get it? And she'd have hated you if she knew what you'd done."

"Might I remind you that you consented? And if you dare telling your mother otherwise, I swear that you'd regret it." Howard spoke so calmly that it hardly sounded like a threat, but Alex knew this man better than most people out there. She kept her cool face and the steady tone of voice, but her muscles tensed, readying to retreat if needed. Given her frail condition, some distance away from him would make a safer ground for her. Her lightning might not come fast enough when he got angry.

"I regretted ever accepting your help. You specifically asked me to join his faction as a way to repay the debts. 'For Litchfield'. 'For your people'. Remember? I was nineteen, and stupid enough, I did it. But I repaid you in cash too. So you don't get to fucking talk about my mom anymore. Fuck you."

Howard watched her for a long moment, and his contemplative gaze unnerved her. Alex had to look away, taking in another drag. "You probably won't believe anything I say now, but I want you to know that there hasn't been a day that I did not regret sending you away. I miscalculated it, and we lost you… for a long time." He then stood up, puffing out smoke from his pipe. "I shouldn't expect you to ever accept what Diane and I had. It's terribly unfair to ask of you. For that, I am truly sorry. If you… if there is anything that I can be of help, please do not hesitate to come to me. I'll never ask anything from you in return again. Stay safe... and welcome home, Alex."

Alex only looked up again when Howard walked away, disappearing into the dark, narrow path leading to the North Mansion. It took her by surprise that Howard actually wanted her to stay. She had always been bitterly curious about her mother's relationship with Howard. She had a vague idea of what it was, but had never dared to ask for details. It'd hurt too much—too deep.

Welcome home. Howard's words echoed in her head, but Alex wasn't sure if Litchfield was still the home she once had.

Alex gazed up at the North's second floor, searching for the window at the end of its east wing. She spotted it. The room was largely dark, partially lit by moonlight. But there was a set of shadowy figure moving about the window. The figure then had stopped moving, standing facing the moon. Alex was certain then that it was staring back at her, watching her from the dark.