Chapter 2

As autumn drew on, so did the plans for the house.

There were arguments and debates and tears upstairs. It was quite clear that Lady Violet was all for soldiering on with the house whether it was economical or not. If her husband was still alive then she might have had a powerful ally against the new generation, her son and his American bride.

But her Lord Grantham was dead and the will of another was the one that now governed life at Downton Abbey.

Lord Robert and Lady Cora had chosen one of the smaller houses on the estate. It was by no means a shoe box and Elsie had no doubt that when the two of them begun a family, their bairns were all going to get their own room.

She could not say she felt sorry for any of them. None of them were going to be homeless or on the streets. They were not going to see the house destroyed or any of their own in poverty.

They were simply going to go to a smaller house and the rather grand old one which they lived in was going to be made accessible to the public. She had to say she saw that as a bit of a win.

Lady Violet did not. Nor did Charles.

"That poor lady has lived here all of her married life. How is she meant to give that up just like that?" He ranted to her one day as they walked down a corridor together.

Normally she would roll her eyes… But there was something which was holding her back from giving the issue her full attention. One, she was just wasn't sure she cared that much and then there was the fact she had a nagging doubt at the back of her mind. As if she was missing something.

It was odd for her to be distracted of late. They had been having such a wonderful time together…. They had simply just been enjoying each other's company and hearts and souls and bodies. No interruptions… just the two of them.

X x x

The penny dropped like a bolder.

Ten weeks on no interruption.

She had been so happy and excited as they had headed towards the first Christmas as a couple that she had not really given a thought to what that meant… but now that she had, she found it was all she was able to think of.

On the one hand she could not believe they had allowed themselves to be caught in this situation as they had.

In their working lives, they were seen as he more adult and respect of the younger generation. No one – no one – would think they would be here.

But here they were.

The truth of the matter had hit Elsie like a ton of bricks.

She would have to tell Charles, of course, but that was yet before her. And before she turned to him she wanted to know how she felt about the situation… the one thing she did know was this was not part of her plan.

She did want to be a mother but always she had supposed it to be a long way in to the future, a bit like marriage. The one thing which she did know was she wasn't yet done living for herself and didn't yet want to be caring for a child all day.

Or a wife yet, for the matter. One day – but not yet. The idea made her feel trapped.

Going back to her parents with a baby and no wedding band was not an option. She knew there were women in the back streets of any large city you could go too. They took away problems such as the one she had. All it took was a few pounds from what she had heard. Yet the thought horrified her.

She lay her hand on her stomach and breathed.

She lifted her eyes to the alter. She wasn't overly religious – she went to church and she believed but she was sure this was the first time she had ever one to church when she felt she was in trouble. Even then it was more that she had wanted quiet time than religious direction.

She hadn't seen it coming.

She would never ever judge a women who panicked when she was in trouble.

God knew she was on the edge of it herself and if a lass decided it would be better all round for her to try and get rid of the problem all together, then more power to her. Especially if she felt she could do so in a manner in which she would be safe.

As for Elsie, she did not. She did not know any women of that character. Even if they looked as if they were respectable on first meeting then she had no idea if they really were and she did not feel as if she could put her life in their hands. That was the thing about her. She liked life. She liked being alive and as she was right then.

So. She was not going to get rid of the baby. She did not feel she could raise it.

So… that left adoption.

X x x

Elsie left it a day and she wasn't sure why. Her secret was eating her alive and letting someone else in on it she was sure was the only way to stop that gnawing feeling that seemed to be threatening to consume her.

And she knew she could tell Charles – should tell Charles.

But only god knew why when she had to go through it but she wanted to give him one more day of peace before it begun for him.

She watched him more than she ever had in that last twenty four hours. She watched the way he moved and the way he talked. He was not a man she decided, who was care free. He never had been and he was never going to be. It seemed to her that he had come out of his mother with the weight of the world of his shoulders.

But the more she watched him, the more she found she was right – she did love him and had done for a long time.

She just prayed to god the two of them – together – were strong enough to get through the coming storm because…

Because he meant the world to her, she thought. She never say it out loud but she would know it in her heart.

Those shoulders of his were broad. She hoped they could carry some more.

"Are you alright, love? You're very quiet," he said as he took her hand over breakfast the next day.

It was then she knew his time of peace was over.

"I need to talk to you."

X x x

"I know we cannot keep it. And I don't want to put my life in danger so I guess that means we are going to have to give it away."

That was the first two sentences Elsie told a stone faced Charles after she had revealed to him the fact the two of them had created a life together.

She was putting her cards on the table fast – she was not going to be seen by him as some silly girl who had no idea what the two of them were going to do now. Not when she knew. Part of her wondered if she should have consulted him first… but she had made up her mind.

"We do not have to do that."

"What is our other option?"

"We could marry. I love you and you love me. And we could marry!"

It was a choice which she had ruled out through their age and it was one she did not look favourably on even then. Even though she could see it in his eyes how much he meant it…. and it made her love him more.

And she had no doub if she took him up on his offer he would do all he could to provide for her and their child… And they could be a family.

But even though she knew all of that she found even then she was shaking her head.

"No, Charles. If the two of us wed now, then I am going to have to give up work. We could take care of this baby but we cannot live on air. How long until we turned on each other with no money and all that stress? I am eighteen years old… you are twenty…" they were mature for their ages but they weren't that mature she didn't think.

They should be out having fun together at their age, not worry about nappies.

"But the point is we could make it work."

She shook her head as she saw hope in his eyes die.

"Are you saying you do not wish to marry me?"

For the first time she felt her lips turn into a smile. The thought of marrying him….

"Well, I am not going to marry any one else, let me put it to you that way," she said softly. "But no – at least, not yet. I do not want to be a mother; I do not want to be a wife… not for a while yet. I love you… but I can't give that you."

For all his traditional way of thinking she wondered if she was going to have to forfeit the two of them.

"I hope to god one day my name will be Elsie Carson… but…"

He nodded as she saw him try to digest everything which she had just said to him. If the truth was known she was still trying to digest it all. It was a lot to take in.

"Am I going to lose you?"

She had had to ask quite plainly for there was no point in beating around the bush. And if she was going to be facing this on her own then she knew she would rather know sooner than later.

A small defiant voice in her said she could. She did not need him to face this. She could do it on her own.

"What kind of a man do you believe me to be?" he asked as he turned to her with greater sadness in his eyes than she had ever seen before.

In fact, there was so much wretchedness in his eyes that it hurt her heart. And there was anger too and disappointment. But there was also love there.

A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips as a tear splashed on to his cheek.

"No, you are not going to lose me."

She felt a lump in her throat develop.

When she had found out she was pregnant she hadn't cried.

And when she had been trying to figure out what she wanted to do she had not shed a single tear.

But for some reason now she did.

She wasn't sure if it was because she knew he was there. Or maybe it was the fact she knew that they had a long road ahead of them. There was going to be so much doubt along the way. She was going to carry this child – god willing – to term.

She was going to bring a life in to the world.

And she was going to let it go to another home. She was going to let her baby grow up calling another women mummy. That was the choice she was making.

Along the way she was going to question herself. And she knew she was going to doubt herself. Enormously so. She was going to wonder why she had not got rid, why she had not sort an easier freedom. She knew she might even look back at the night of the picnic and curse herself.

But maybe it was just the fact she knew she was not going through any of it alone.

Whichever one it was, she knew it was enough to cause anyone to burst into tears.

But there and then as they sat on a bench in the grounds of the abbey, young Elsie went quietly but quite entirely to pieces safely in the knowledge that one way or another Charles Carson was going to do his best to put her back together.

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