Chapter 3
Poplar, London.
"You look lovely tonight, my dear."
Julienne Louise Newgarden came down the stairs to be greeted by her husband Charles.
Once more it was there anniversary – the sixth which the two of them had had and she was as glad she had married him now as the day when she had said I do.
She thought her husband handsome, knew him to be kind and good and besides everything else, he was her best friend.
And though she did not think she was particularly attractive, the look in his eye told her he was not lying.
He took her hand as she got to the bottom of them steps and pressed it to his mouth before pressing it to his heart.
"Ever the old romantic," she teased with a smile.
"Less of the old please!"
And with that the two of them made for the door.
On the whole, the two of them did not go in much for cliché. Charles thought his wife to be a beautiful original and so did not want anything which he gave to her to be anything less than the lady herself. Everything he did had to be worthy of her so that he was.
But that night he had had to settle for booking a nice meal for two, so that he was able to discuss with her what he truly wished too.
This was not a proposal he was making lightly and after the upset of the previous years, he knew it was somewhat sensitive. Still he was sure he had to speak his mind.
The cab ride into the west end went smoothly – there was some traffic on the road but not enough to make them late.
As soon as the two of them got into the car, they held hands. He could still remember holding hands after the two of them had left the church on their wedding day. He was fairly certain that the two of them had held hands whenever they had got into the back seat of a car ever since.
Their marriage had been one based on the most important things – love, trust and shared values and he cherished it even more because he knew she had chosen him with a free heart.
Having known each other five years before they had wed, he had seen her struggle with her conscience.
Not many people were lucky enough in their lives to find a vocation.
She nearly found hers in the church. Had he come and found her any latter then he knew he may have very well lost her to a habit.
He looked sideways at her and wondered if there were any moments when she regretted the choice she had made to marry him and not become a bride of Christ.
But she had not. She had become his bride, thank god. And she had kept her job - and she had made becoming the best nurse she could be her vocation. And he was so proud that he got to be her husband.
Julienne Louise was a wonderful woman. Charles was never likely to forget that fact.
"There was me thinking you were going to take me to see a film tonight. You can still surprise me, my love," she said with a big grin. He could only hope that that smile stayed when she heard of his second surprise.
X x x
Julienne knew she would be a liar if she did not say the idea of adopting a baby intrigued her.
Ever since she and her husband had married they had planned on starting a family. Her motherly instinct had always been strong. Not obvious in the way it was for some girls…. But there none the less and fighting for an out let.
When she and Charles had come together she had dreamt that one day soon the two of them would stop being couple and become a family.
For the first few months – perhaps even a year after they had got married, she had not worried about it too much. It had been early days and it had seemed to her as if she had all the time in the world.
But then it had turned to two years and she had been anxious – she had in fact been on the verge of going to a doctor to see if there was anything which was not as it should be within her.
She was, after all, a midwife. And she saw women who not only had babies but those who longed for them. They came to her and asked what they would do to speed the process up if there was anything.
And she told them all the same thing.
Give it time – see a doctor if you are that worried, but give it time.
She had followed her own advice – and then just as she had begun to consider booking an appointment, she had fallen pregnant.
And it had been such a thrill to her – such a rush and a joy all at once.
God had given her a life to cherish and protect. She was going to get to see her child grow up and see her wonderful husband become a father and she was going to be a mother. Her own baby.
She had never known anything like it. She had become pregnant and as soon as she had done that, she had been able to see her child life's ahead of her.
All of it. She had known – thought – it was a girl. She did not know why.
But she had been able to see her blessed little face. She had imagined her little fingers.
She had seen her walk her first steps and knew what colour the ribbons were which she was going to wear in her hair.
She had seen the way she had run off to school on her first day without looking back, leaving her parents heart broken.
That had been the dream she had had before she had woken in the night bleeding heavily. Her daughter had waved her goodbye at least.
And then there had been no more pregnancies. Charles had said the two of them could go to the doctors but Julienne had not had the heart for it.
She knew she could not carry a child, did not need to be told that or to hear the actual words and she had no desire of false hope. She did not know how she knew, she just did.
She had had her one baby once and then she did not. It was as simple as that.
X x x
But as simple as it had been in her head, it was not what she wanted in her heart.
"I know we have spoken about it before – well, my darling. I am not getting any younger and if the two of us want to be parents I would like to – to put things in progress."
And she knew from the way he spoke about it he really did want to be a father still.
As he always had done.
"I do not know quite what to say right now," she admitted.
This felt as if it was there last chance saloon all of a sudden. He was right. If they were to be parents they had to make a go of it soon.
"Julienne – you would be such a wonderful mother. I see the way you are with the student midwives and the way they turn to you when they are in need of advice. For so long it has seemed to me as if you were a mother without a child."
She felt the tear pricks at her eyes.
Yes. She was a mother without a child and she had been ever since she had miscarried. She had mothered that baby and then she had lost it…
But if she had been given one and not even had the strength to see it in to the world, then how on earth did she deserve a living one?
"I know you are afraid of many things right now," she heard Charles say to her and met his eyes. It was as if he was able to see into her thoughts. "But I would be with you always, as long as you want me. And we would have one another."
She took in a deep breathe. "I know. I know I would have you always in this." She said as she took and squeezed his hands. "And you know how I have longed for a little one to call our own…"
He nodded. "Does the manner in which the stork brings our baby truly matter? As long as the three of us have one another and love one another, what more is there to being a family?"
For a long time she thought it had. She had been set on a child of their blood –
But being a midwife – especially these last few years… it had taught her so much she had not known she had had to learn.
Babies who were born to mothers who did not want them did not have to go on being parentless. And there was nothing worse for the health of young mother than to be forced to keep a child she did not want.
There would always be the resentment, the wondering what if…
They deserved so much more. And so did the babies. She honestly believed that the situation could be made so much better for the mother and child to go their separate ways, so they could both have the best chance in life.
"No," she said as she shut her eyes and remember the feeling of a new-born in her arms.
She had seen so much of life in her job. And she found when you saw life in such the way that she did the funny thing about it was that it demanded to be felt. You could not just see it and move on with your day.
The women and the babies she treated somehow worked their way in to her heart.
They became part of her memory, not just for the day but for a long time to come. They had made up the tapestry of her life.
They informed how she would greet another patient, treat her patients, make her smile and cry.
She had learnt very early on that being a midwife was not just another job. Charles, bless him, as an investment banker had often commented on how different there days were. And he was right. On some level the two of them were never going to relate to each other.
But this was one area where they did.
So. He was ready to put things in action for a possible adoption. To try and go seek their family a very different way to how they thought it was going to come into the world.
She felt her lips smile upwards.
She nodded. "Ok," maybe she had not spent a lot of time considering what he had said that evening but the truth was she had been considering it for a long time before this. This was not a new idea…
This was right for them – she knew it in her heart.
Somewhere out there, there was a baby – maybe it was not even born yet, maybe it was going to be conceived that very night. And it was going to be the baby of parents who for whatever reason felt they could not keep their baby.
And that baby was going to come to the two of them. They would love and cherish the child for as long as they lived.
"Are you sure? We do not have to – not if you're not ready."
"I am. It has been four years since we lost our child Charles. And I am going to miss what could have been every day –" she admitted as she kept her voice soft and steady determined that it would not crack and she would not cry in public.
She reached for his hand over the dinner table as she had done in the cab. "But the two of us do not have to live on what ifs."
She knew it was going to be a big change for them. All of a sudden she found herself thinking of the very practical problems they were going to come up against.
The house was big enough for two of them and a little one. But her mind raced ahead as she realised they really were going to have to tackle the small room.
And then there was going to be the issue of childcare… Charles was the one who made the most money and even though they were comfortable, they were going to need as much as they could coming in.
She loved to work but it would be no hardship to give it up for a while. When she had thought she was pregnant last time she had no qualms about giving up work for a while. If they succeeded this time then she saw no reason why it should be any different.
In fact just the thought of it was enough to make her heart burst.
The hope in her eyes shone.
"I want the two of us to live on what is."
And she wanted that 'what is' to be made up on was sleepless nights and dirty nappies and everything that she knew came with having a baby.
She wanted that for the two of them as much as she ever had.
And she wanted a new chapter in their lives. The next big challenge.
X x x
Six months later – London…
Elsie smiled softly at Charles. It was so good to see him step down on to the train station. She was not sure she could quite put it into words. It felt as if she had been waiting for this for a long time. As his face came into view, the aching loneliness which she had been upon her of late seemed to go away.
In the weeks after she had told him she was pregnant, the two of them had put their heads together and tried to figure out what the best thing to do was. To come up with some kind of plan.
Charles was especially concerned to look after Elsie and to defend her reputation. When all of this was over, he did not want her to suffer any further consequences. Not in their tiny little village where so many people were in and out of each other's business. She did not need that.
What she was going to need was just to be able to get on with her life as if none of this had ever happened. That was what she wanted.
As for Elsie, she too want to try and conceal this pregnancy as much as she could from general knowledge. At the end of the day, no one else needed or had a right to know but the two of them. Once she had given birth to the child, life could go on as it had done…. But only if no one knew.
And so they had really had only one choice and all they could see to do was to get Elsie away and out of Downton for a while.
Thus the plan was born. Elsie was to go to London as soon as she begun to show. Though she had worked primarily as a maid which she had been at the abbey, she had done touch typing in the evenings. She could get a job at a typing pool. He'd send a chuck of his pay check down to cover the rest of her living costs and when it was all done she could come a back with a clean slate and together they would start again…. Or at least they would pick up the pieces…
The only other person at the abbey who knew about the baby was Beryl Patmore.
Elsie would have kept it from her too but she was her best friend and it would feel like a lie – an even bigger lie – to keep it from her. And she needed a true friend right then. Charles could be there for a lot but as a man there were things he was just not going to get.
Elsie had not known how she was going to react to the news that she was expecting but she did not think Beryl was going to turn her away as some might have done and her faith in her was rewarded. That was not to say she was not surprised. She was, as Elsie had known she was going to be. But the two of them went way back and there was no rejection. Just the promise she would do all she could to help get her through this.
Between the three of them, Elsie knew they could manage this. Together they would handle it.
She had called Charles to come down before the due date. Beryl need not take so much time off and would come down right on top of it and pray the little one was not early.
But she was glad she and Charles were getting some time of their own before Beryl arrived.
"It is so good to see you, my darling," Charles said as he put dropped his bag and put his arms around her.
She still smelt the same as she had when she had been up in Yorkshire with him all the time.
However, there were differences. Every time he had been down he had been able to see that her bump had got a little bigger and this time was no exception. The baby was growing.
The baby – for he tried to remind himself that no matter what the baby was, it would never be his son or daughter – had grown even bigger. And it filled his heart with joy that the little one was growing strong all the time.
It had been hard on them to be so far apart right then. It was a tenuous time for them both. They were anxious, scared, on edge and preparing for broken hearts because of the condition which Elsie was in. Charles knew he was needed by her more than ever. She was not saying too much but he knew quite asides from the emotional side of things there was also the physical strain she was under.
Still he was here and would try taking what of the strain he could for her.
She went straight in to his arms, placing a kiss against his lips as she did so.
"It is good to see you too," she replied blinking a little.
It truly was.
Elsie reminded herself it was not that she was not able to cope without him, but it was just so much easier to cope when she did have him.
He would help keep her steady and help keep her spirits up and cherish her when she needed to be.
She buried her face in his warm neck, breathed deeply and somewhere inside her something settled. His presence in her life could not solve anything. But it made a lot easier.
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PS. I shamelessly stole the 'mother without a child' line from Friends. It was just too beautiful and too perfect not to use…