Chapter 4

Four months after they had decided they were going to adopt, Charles and Julienne got the call to say there was going to be a baby up for adoption in the next three months and due to their application for adoption going so well (the Newgardens were apparently model parent material), the council had decided to place the baby with them.

Delight was not the word. There was no word for what they felt.

They laughed and cried and kissed and once more, Charles took his wife up the west end for dinner. After all, it was not going to be long now until they had a new-born and they would be dining out considerably less then. You couldn't take a little baby to these places…

X X X

"So is – I mean to say, are the arrangements for the birth all in order?"

Months of living on her own had turned Elsie into quite a cook which was a new skill for her. It was never that she had been incapable – it was only that she had never need to cook for herself before.

So for Charles' first night with her in London she had insisted on cooking him a nice meal even as he had insisted she should be putting her feet up.

Elsie had won the argument as she invariably did.

During dinner, they had shared what gossip they had. Elsie had to say she was surprised by how much she had missed being at that place that Charles Carson was so proud to call his home. On the day she had got on the train to pull away from the life she had got so used to she would have sworn she would not miss it. But she did. She missed the people that she worked with and those she had become accustom to sharing her life with. She missed the routine she had got into day to day. She missed the laughter which filled the halls. God forbid she ever say it out loud but part of her missed the family.

There was however only so much time that the two of them could fill with discussing pleasantries before they had to acknowledge the reason they were there.

She gave a stiff nod.

"I have got myself booked in with the maternity hospital. Got myself a ring." She would go in as Mrs Hughes.

They would all know it was a lie. The nurses who had taken care of her through her pregnancy all knew. But they had been as kind as they could be about it all. And she did not feel as judged as she might have done if he had stayed in Yorkshire.

As she was sure she would have been.

"It is not too late for me to go… and get you a real ring." He said softly, not wanting her to feel as if she was without options.

The smile on her face was no more than a ghost.

"I would you know." She nodded. "And it is a big part of the reason I love you as much as I do. But over the last six months over and over again, I have asked myself if we got married and kept the little one would it work… but I don't think it would not be fair on ourselves… on any of us."

His salary may- and that was a big may – be enough to support all three of them but Elsie was well aware the real question when it came down to it was would it be? And if it was then by how many more hours working? Would she and the child see him if they did stay together? The same questions went round and round in her head…

And she would have to stay home. There was no way she was going to be able to work and bring up the baby at the very moment they needed her wage the most.

It would be a case of one or the other.

And she so wanted a chance to continue working.

A father who was not often to be home and exhausted when he was.

Money worries.

And a mother who resented having given up her own chances.

It was not a receipt for family bliss.

"But no. If the truth is known you are not ready for a wife either."

It was a fact he was not quite ready to square with even if he knew it was the truth.

"We have to give the baby up so that she or he can have the very best start that they can. Anything else is unfair. And then the two of us can go back to our own life."

She had been asked by the nurses if she would go to a home with the baby for a while to feed the child herself.

But she did not think she would. Elsie did not think she wanted to go even that far.

Charles swallowed. He wished he done enough to prove himself – but it was clear. Deep down, he felt he had not.

"Its not that I don't love you."

That at least he did understand. He reached over the table and took her hand. They shared a sad smile and continued to eat.

X x x

Evangelina Buckle was not a women to mince her words.

"When are you going to go back to work you work shy buggar?"

It was not the harshest languages which Julienne Newgarden had ever heard on going into the Buckle household.

"My back is just about right, my little dumpling," Fred said as he got up off to the sofa. "I shall return to my employment as soon as I can!"

"It better be tomorrow."

The tough nurse loved her lout though she had to admit some days she had cause wonder why.

And with that she led her friend through to the kitchen.

"So how are you?" Evangelina asked. She had got a call from Julienne with her happy news already so she did not have to ask really. Still, it was obvious to her she needed and wanted to talk about it…

"How you would expect me to be I think. I am nervous, excited…. Anxious and desperately thrilled… utterly terrified."

Sister Evangelina smiled. "Yes – I would expect you to be all of that."

The two women smiled at one another. Having trained at the same midwife college, their history want way back.

And now it turned out they were going to share another key moment in one of their lives as Evangelina was involved in this case in more than one ways, seeing as she was Elsie Hughes' midwife, a fact she had shared with Julienne. Maybe she should not have told her but she had felt she had too. The fact she was going to be the one who brought her friend's baby in to the world… that was a lot of responsibility on her shoulders.

"What is she like? The girl…"

Evangelina knew she had to defend Elsie's privacy. And if this was anyone else then she would not say as much as she was going to.

But it was not as if she was going to give her friend her name.

"She is eighteen. And all you really need to know is she is not ready to be a mother. She doesn't want to keep the baby for herself." -

"I cannot imagine what she is going through."

Neither could Evangelina. She had never had a child of her own – just like Julienne the only child of her heart was one which she and Fred had adopted. It had not been easy. But then the situation of the two families were very different. Chummy had come to her and Fred as a teenager when the emotional damage caused by Chummy's first mother had already essentially been done.

Elsie's little one would be placed in Julienne's arms with her innocence in tack.

As a midwife this was not the first time which Evangelina had seen a child given up by itself mother. After all she worked in Poplar. Still the East End was suffering from the end of the world war. There was so much regeneration going on that they were bound to feel the effect yet for years to come.

The pill was available but information and education was thin on the ground…And as long as that was the case there was going to be mothers who felt they were not in the positon where they could have their babies and keep them. There were going to be a mothers who had children and were not able to clothes them. Or feed them or keep them safe.

But the one she was dealing with then was the one she had to take as her case in point.

Elsie was a strange girl – she had thought it was at first just because she was northern and there was a long, rich history of people from the north and the south of England not quite understanding one another. Especially when you through in Londoners to the mix.

But nine times out of ten when you saw a mother who was going to give up a child you saw them take two reactions. They cherished the time which they had with the baby while it was inside of them – or they talked about it as if the baby was nothing at all.

Instead Elsie had seemed to walk the fine line.

She had been terribly practical about everything as much as she could be, making sure that when the baby was born it was going to come into a safe environment and that there were going to be no botched attempts at birth.

She had eaten and drunk the rights things – she had cared for her child as much as she could.

But even with mothers who were going to give up the babies in side them, she knew normally caught them stroking there bump, looking down at it with some kind of emotion.

Elsie was not giving them to herself.

Evangelina could see why she night not wish to bond with the baby.

She understood it entirely. It would hurt so much more when she came to give the little one up.

But these were the little moments she had to see her through the rest of it when she was mourning the loss of her child, which she would. Not all mothers thought they would but in the experience of the nurse, even a mother would willingly gave up her child grieved for it someway in the end.

But every one dealt with things differently and she was not one to judge.

She never had been.

She only hoped the girl was not storing up trouble for herself in the future.

"On my dear we cannot. And I think we should count ourselves very lucky for that."

When Elsie got back that even she told Charles all about the conversation she had had with Evangelina.

The fate of their child's birth mother was one which lay heavy on their hearts.

The two of them had known what it was to lose a child, after all. True they had never given one up but at the end of everything Julienne wondered if it was all that different.

To have a child and then not be able to raise it had to hurt however that situation came about.

The Newgarden's went to sleep that night in one another's arms, worried and a little sad but at the end of it all, delighted. It felt a long time since they had been told that there was a baby who was coming into the world and would be their daughter or son.

It had given them time to get what they could in. A pram. A bassinet. Some clothes.

But there was another set of parents to be out there faced with a very different reality.

X x x

Charles knew Elsie was not yet asleep even though they had gone to bed an hour before hand. Both of them were simply lying there thinking.

Any day now and all of this was all going to be over.

They could go home.

But Charles was not sure he wanted that.

He loved and respected Elsie. Maybe if he had done so a little more than the two of them would not be in this situation but they were. And he reminded himself, not that it made it much better, that they were here because they had wanted to show one another how much they loved each other. And he was going to do all that he could to back her up, whether it was his decision or not. To allow the two of them to deal with this in the way that she wished.

But there was something deep and protective and paternal in his heart which said this was not what he wanted.

It was not his choice.

If he had his way then the two of them would be dealing with this in a different manner. They would have had to leave the Abbey but they would have gone together. They would have married and he would have got a different job.

He had always wanted to go into service. He wasn't sure why as people laughed at him when he said he did. But he thought there was a quiet dignity in serving others. And when he thought of his grandfather and the way he had taken such pride in his job, he knew that was what he wanted.

But he would give it all up he thought if he was able to be a father to the little one who he knew was wriggling around inside the women he loved right now.

He was glad – so glad that Elsie had been so sensible about all this. That she had not risked her own life as well as that of their baby.

But he could not help feeling a little sad as well that soon the little one would be so far from them.

And if the truth was known he was very sad.

The thought of the two of them giving up their baby broke his heart.

His mind turned as it often had done of late to the adoptive parents. The ones who were going to get to bring up his child.

What were they like? What were their names? Did they had any other children? Were they going to keep her or him safe and warmed and loved?

If they were going to bring her or him up the answer would in his eyes have to be yes.

And he would make sure – if he ever found out they did not – that they would pay.

Somewhere in his thoughts he became intensely aware of a breathing in and out. In and out. He thought the sound was almost baby soft but it was coming from the women he loved.

Elsie had apparently found some peace in dreams. He could only hope she would remain that way for a while.

Taking the opportunity while he still had it, he reached over and touched the bump. Elsie did not stir.

The baby however did. He felt his little one kick. The two of them had made a conscious effort through the pregnancy to get too attached but he thought he could steal that moment, with a smile for the two of them. Father and child.

"You – you're going to wake mum. Go to sleep," he said in a way that he hoped was soothing.

He hoped too that there was some tiny little part of the baby – some memory which would not be remembered but would stay locked away in it as heart of the voice of its real dad.

"I love you little one."

He did. Down to his marrow he loved this child. And wished nothing more than the right time for them was then and there and not how it actually was.

X x x

Julienne sighed and bit her lip.

It was only then that she begun to feel the weight of the extreme responsibility which they were taking on. They were going to give a home to another man and women's child who had been brave enough to accept the fact they were not able to give their baby a home.

Yes she was a nurse and a midwife. She had spent so many years delivering babies and taking care of them when they were sick but that did not mean she knew how to be a mother.

She had never done that. That was a very new area.

And it struck her just then as she looked into the immaculate crib she had set up for the new born she might be any good at this at all.

She tried to imagining the baby was in there and all of a sudden it scared her.

What the two of them were doing terrified her.

She looked up at the door to see Charles was there.

"It is all becoming a little real now, isn't it?" he asked as he crossed to the other side of the crib. It was almost as if he could read her thoughts but… butte could image the two of them in here in nights to come.

No doubt to begin with until they got to the point of no return of tiredness, they were going to come in here just to look at her or him.

"It is beginning to get very real," she admitted.

"To think the child we are going to call our own could come into the world at this very minute." That was quite a thought…. It blew her away. "What if we have got this all wrong? What if the two of us are not meant to be parents and we are forcing this when we shouldn't be?" she asked.

Charles looked at her with such extreme tenderness in that moment that it stripped back every wall she was trying to put up.

"Is that what your heart is telling you?"

She shook her head. No, it was the last thing that her heart was telling her.

"Because if it is then it is telling you wrong. It should be telling you this is nothing more than nerves," he said as he reached out for her hand. "It should be saying you are the kindest of women. That you were born to be a mother. And we are going to give our baby the very best life we can."

She nodded. "It is all any parent can hope to do." She agreed. "I am going to love her with all my heart."

"So you think it is going to be a girl?" he asked.

She shook her head with a smile. "Just a feeling," she murmured looking down at the crib once more.

And when she was not the one who was even so much as carrying the child then she knew it was madness to think like that. She couldn't possibly know. But there was something in her that said she was going to be mother to a baby girl and try as she might ignore that she couldn't. It was just like before.

Her husband crossed round the crib and out his arms about her.

There did not seem to be a lot of need for words.

X x x

Beryl had never been sure if she wanted to have kids but as she watched Elsie give birth she felt the answer was shifting more and more towards a no.

With incredible timing the labour itself had not begun until 11 o'clock the morning after she had arrived. While she had had a good night's sleep and was ready to be the support her friend needed, she was not sure if she could say the same for Elsie.

Whether she was ready or not though, the child was coming.

But now that she was able to see Elsie covered in sweat, she was sure she did not want to have a child of her own.

This hurt - that was for sure.

For a moment, she cursed Charles Carson. He was the one who had got her friend into this mess and now all he could do was to sit outside and huff while the women did the real work.

But such as was the way of life she found too often.

As for Elsie through the pain and the trauma she seemed to be coping as well as any first time mother could.

"That's a girl!" Evangelina soothed from the end of the bed. "You are doing so well and it does seem as if this little one is eager to get out in the the world, keep doing what you're doing!

Elsie did not say anything but bit down.

It was not as if she could very well go shopping or doing the laundry she thought sarcastically. Of course she was going to keep doing what she was doing.

It was nearly over. All of it. She thought back to the moment she had found out she was pregnant. From that moment to this the only thought she had really been able to have was of her and Charles and the baby and what they were going to do.

When they got back to Downton it was going to be different.

Not that she was ever much one for frivolity, she could think about clothes and hair styles again. About nights out. Things she had not been allowed to have for the past few months.

She shut her eyes and tried to decide if that was a good or a bad thing.

She could hear that the women around her were telling her still how well she was doing and how close she was and how she just had to keep doing. Keep going. Keep going.

It was the mantra in her head that was going to get her through she thought to herself, if she was able to think at all at this point.

She just had to keep going.

She had never felt anything like it – not the pain, nor the pressure.

Not at last the relief. For one moment only there was the most blissful silence and she had not realized how much she had wanted everyone to be quiet and let her think…

But then there was another sound in the room. It was not so much more than a mewing of a kitten. It was that first sounds you made when you came to earth and announced your arrival.

That was the sound her baby was making right then.

"Oh god, she is here. Is she ok?" she asked. She hadn't been able to hear anything else since that tiny cry.

"Of course she is, I brought her in to the world, didn't I? But how did you know it as a girl?!" Evangelina asled as tears begun to pour down Beryl's face.

Elsie had it on the tip of her tongue that she had been the one to bring the baby in to the world but she did not think she had the energy to argue the toss of it right then.

She reached out her arms.

For this moment – if only this moment – she was going to do what came naturally. She would forget to constrain her natural reactions… For just these few moments. She was hers. The baby girl in her arms was completely hers.

God she had had thought about how she was going to act so many times when the child had come into the world. She had planned to give it straight to the midwife to be taken to its real mummy and daddy because she knew it was going to hurt so much more if she looked it to those beautiful little eyes.

And she knew she was right, it was going to hurt now that she had felt the weight of her in her arms and seen that her eyes were going to be just like Charles' as she grew big.

But she did not think she was ever going to regret taking this moment.

"Elsie, shall I get Charles?" Beryl asked and she nodded without taking her eyes off her child.

She did not think she had ever seen anything so tiny, nor anything so perfect.

The size of her fingers and finger nails outstanded her.

All in all she was the most precious thing that she had ever held in her life and she was struck by the strange thought of what had just occurred.

This perfection had come out of her. She had been born out of her and Charles' love. This perfection which they had treated like a dirty little secret.

Her whole head fit in her mothers had and she leant down to kiss her forehead.

"Oh you are the most beautiful girl," she said as tears begun to fall on to the baby's forehead. "Charles, don't you think she is beautiful?" she asked. She did not look up to see if he was there but rather felt he was. "Don't you think she is absolutely perfect?"

She did not want to waste a minute by taking her eyes off of her baby.

She couldn't do that.

"Yes – yes, I think she is beautiful. She is just like you. Oh well done Elsie," he praised as he perched by her side and kissed her on the forehead. "You wonderful, wonderful women."

And then he too look at his new born child, quite transfixed, intent on taking every moment which the three of them had together and turning it in to an entire life time.

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