Chapter 8

"I am going up to London with Lady Mary this weekend. Is there anything you want me to get?"

Anna did not normally call the woman she considered her best friend by her title. After growing up together and then going to university together – seeing each other through a number of heart breaking times as well as plenty of laughs, there did not seem a lot of need for standing of ceremony now. Even if they were employer and employee these days.

Anna did not know how long she was going to stay her PA for. Mary said she only need do so until she found something better, but for now Anna did not think there could be a lot better than working for the socialite. Some might think Mary was rather emptied headed. Anna knew better.

Still her father could be an old fuddy duddy when he wanted to be and seemed to have been in a mood the last few days. She had no wish to set him off. But she did want to know why he had a bee in his bonnet.

What surprised her though was when he did not reply at all.

"Earth to dad?"

"What's that love?"

"Me – and Lady Mary – we're going to London this weekend. Do you want me to pick you up anything?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"Dad, you would tell me if there was anything up wouldn't you?"

"Why should there be anything up just because I do not want you to pick up anything from London?"

"That isn't it – and you know it." Anna was Elsie's child as well as his and Charles was reminded that. His forth right child was always going to prove a challenge when she wanted too.

He was about to tell her to mind her cheek when the door opened.

It was Thomas.

"And here he is back from the walk of shame," William mumbled as he came into the kitchen behind his brother.

Thomas had clearly not seen his father yet.

"I hope you and your right hand had a good evening last night."

Charles cleared his throat.

"Dad!" Thomas said as he reached for the Nescafé. He definitely needed a coffee. "Shouldn't you be on your way to work by now?"

"Shouldn't you speak to your brother with a bit more respect?"

Thomas gave William a look which said he highly doubted that.

Charles turned back to his daughter. "I am going out with your mother this morning so we have taken the morning off…"

"Oh, are you off out for breakfast?" Anna said hopefully. She could do with a fry up herself.

"No, we are not – we are doing something just the two of us, so no you can't come," said Elsie as she walked in.

"Well we didn't want to come to begin with." Thomas told his mother as she kissed his cheek.

"Good."

Only Anna caught the look between her parents.

X x x

"There is something going on between them and I do not know what it is."

"Your parents are not normally ones for cloaks and daggers so if you think something is up then you are probably right," John said he passed the tea he had just made to Anna. She wasn't sure how helpful it was to hear he thought she was right – part of her would love to think it was all just her imagination.

William had headed up to the stables not long after breakfast and then Thomas had gone up to have shower. As he was working nights at the local club and then spending the nights with Jimmy he was not going to be rushing out.

And so she had to go in search of the man she loved to have someone to talk to about that morning. Not that she wouldn't have chosen him over anyone else any way.

She would.

"I do not know if that is a comfort or not. They are normally fairly open with us." She said with a disagreeable hum.

It was clear she was uncomfortable with whatever was going on and he would always seek to ease that if he could.

"Why don't you talk to your Auntie Beryl? If anything is up with the two of them then she is going to be the one they talk to."

The head chef at the abbey, Beryl Mason had been the steward of their lives for as long as Anna was able to remember.

"Now why didn't I think of that?" she asked as she rewarded John with a kiss.

A sudden ache came over her. Thinking of her parents while she was with John brought to mind her of her fathers continued disapproval and that was always going to bother her until the day he came round.

John was a good man. She knew that. He had not had the easiest of times of it and nor had she since she had fallen in love with him. Vera had made sure of that.

But for all the difficulties she would not do anything different.

She was his and he was hers and as long as she had him there to talk to when she needed someone she was satisfied.

X x x

Elsie sat outside the doctor's office.

When she had rung their local GP she had been relieved to find he had a slot open just a couple of days after they had found the lump- the sooner their minds were put at ease, the better.

Charles had been quiet since ever since that bath.

Bu then so had she.

They sat hand in hand giving one another little smiles to reassure each other. How much it was working neither knew, but at least they were together.

At last the surgery door open.

"Why don't you come in?"

Patrick Turner had been their family GP for the past decade. Having moved up from London with his wife and his boy Timothy when their son was small, he had at first found it hard to settle into life in the cosy little village after he had been so used to the hustle and bustle of London.

It had been so quiet. He had been able to hear the cows mooing from the bedroom of their little cottage. That had not been something which he had appreciated on his rare days off until he had seen the way that it made the face of his son light up.

After that, country life was a bit easy to get used to.

The happiness which it brought his family made it so.

Tim had learnt to walk with green grass under food. His first word, after mama and dad, had been 'Ig!" as he had pointed at an oinker in a field.

He had been born to be a country boy it seemed to his dad and they were all going to get to live happily ever after.

That was when they had found out his Elizabeth had a brain tumour…

To say he had been shocked was an understatement. He was a doctor and he knew these things happened to people of all ages. But he would be the first to admit that for a while he had done everything he could to deny how serious it was.

Looking back he did not know if he had been trying to protect her or himself and all he knew was that he felt he had been selfish.

Her last months had been spent with him research new medicines trying desperately to save her. All she had wanted was for him to sit by her side.

It wasn't till the end he had been able to do that. At the very end he had held her until she had passed and he knew it was a comfort that he had been able to do that – for both of them. So that they could separate in the way that they should.

Timothy had been just four year old. Six years later and he was coming up to ten and being raised by his father single handily.

Patrick did the best he could. The grief which he felt had become easier to manage over the years but his son grew more complicated. And he was only going to get more so as he got older. He was in doubt of that.

But that was why he was staying put. The last thing Tim needed was to go to a busy city where he knew no one and no one knew him.

Downton was not always the sanest of places but it was home to his boy.

More than that he liked being a small family GP. He liked seeing the little babies grow up into toddlers and to take care of their health as best he could. He liked being there for the teens and deal with their worries. And even though it was a sad business, he was glad he could be there for the families when they were saying good bye to those they loved and seeing them through their worst illnesses. Becoming a doctor had been a true calling for him.

Looking after the people of Downton with his colleague Doctor Clarkson was a privilege for him. And he still felt Elizabeth was here where she grew up and keeping their son close to that mattered.

The two Carson's got off their seat and Charles escorted his wife inside.

"Thank you for seeing me so quickly."

"Not at all," he said shutting the door behind the two of them.

"What seems to be the problem, Mrs Carson?"

She breathed deeply for a moment and took Charles's hand.

"I have found something – and I need to know it is not what I think it is."

Patrick nodded. "Let me examine you." Then they could see what to do.

"Well, you were right to come to me," said Patrick as Elsie done up her blouse. "We are going to do some tests and look in to this."

"But do you think it is –" Charles could to even say the word, think about his wife and his best friend having that.

Anything but that.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Patrick said with a soft smile.

"You heard him – he is just going to do a few tests. There is nothing to say I do or don't have… cancer," Elsie forced the word out. "And I reckon we should wait to find out if we have something to worry about before we start worrying."

"I could not agree more." Turner confirmed. Elsie smiled.

X x x

Poplar.

"Jenny, are you ok?" Patsy asked as the two of them sat with Bernadette at the nurse's station.

She shrugged.

"You did all you could."

"What's the matter?"

"She found out today that a baby she delivered had to be removed from the care of her parents."

Bernadette nodded with some understanding. It was never the news you wanted to hear.

"I am sorry."

"I knew he was abusing her and I tried to get her to leave him but – but she said she was in love with him. And the kids…" She looked as if she was going to be sick. "The two of them are going to go and live with their grandmother –"

"Well, maybe that is for the best. For all of them to get a second chance."

"But they are not going to be with their parents."

"By the sounds of it they are going to be much better away from their father." Patsy commented dispassionately.

Jenny nodded. She had to agree with that. "But their mother…."

Bernadette shook her head. "It may be that their grandmother can be a better mother to them than she can."

"But she is not the one who carried them!" and she had been the one who had fought so hard to keep the two of them with her, that was what hurt Jenny Lee the most. She had seen this mother do everything she had been able to keep her babies with her. And while it had not been enough, that mother's love for her children was strong…. Just it seemed not strong enough to overcome how naïve she had been. And that was heart breaking.

Bernadette knew in the state Jenny had clearly got herself into over this she should not take any of what she said to heart.

Yet the fact was it always bothered her when people seemed to imply it was DNA that made a family when she knew nothing could be further from the truth.

She and her parents were living testament to that.

Clearly Patsy was more on the ball than Jenny was as she gave her a look which told her not to worry too much before she had to walk away and check on a patient.

Bernie was not going to take any insult.

But then she wasn't going to tear into a work colleague who was upset either.

Instead, she tried to focus on the good in her life right then. Her mother thankfully did not seem so bad after the little moment she had had on her birthday.

Her blues had not even lasted the night. The two of them had had a lovely birthday dinner together, then she had got up and gone to work the next night.

It was all so normal.

But for some weird reason – maybe it was Jenny's comment – but she could not get what her father had said about looking for her biological parents out her head just then. It was not the first time her mum and dad had said it – that they would not mind her looking for the woman who gave her up. The two of them had never minded that, knowing it was a part of her history which some day she might feel the need to explore.

But the truth was to date she had never ever felt the need.

Her parents were wonderful. They were kind, they were loving, they had done everything for her.

She had never been left to feel as if there was anything missing in her life and she knew that was down to them.

She wondered why people who were adopted did insist on finding their real parents. Was it anger? She did not have a lot of that to go on either. Being given up had led her to a wonderful life.

They had given her a name and to a loving home. Being a midwife had helped her understand – more than most – what it was for a mother who wasn't ready to take home a baby she did not want. She had seen it happen to many times and she was glad that had not been her own fate.

Adoption was a life saver in some cases. As was abortion when it was required – it could save the mother and give her another opportunity to have a baby later, if and when she was ready.

Even though she knew all this – a careless comment here, an ignorant view there and still she had to admit the idea that only biological parents could be real parents bothered her.

And it made her question herself. Did she really not want to find her real parents? Was she abnormal in some ways for not wanting desperately to know who they were and what had become of them?

And then there was the big question.

Why? Why had she been given away? She could only guess. Unless she found them and asked.

X x x

Jenny sought her out by the end of the day with a big slice of cake and a cup of tea. For all the fact what she had said had indeed stung for a while, she knew the young midwife did not mean any malice.

"I was not thinking," she sighed. "I was just upset for the baby and little Loraine."

"I know it is always hard in a situation to go through."

"I just so wanted her to succeed." More than anything she had wanted Molly to succeed.

Bernie tried to move on from the subject. She had accepted the apology and she wasn't going to make her colleague grovel. "Do you know I thought back to the Lawson's?"

The gentleness and love which Ted Lawson had embrace a child which was very clearly not his own had made him a favourite on weighting days.

He doted on his little man. Now there was a dad made by love.

Jenny apparently could not let what she had said go yet though after a brief smile to acknowledge her comment. "And then I heard myself and I must say I felt so ashamed."

Jenny Lee was only too aware that she had a long way to go as a midwife. Especially if she upset her colleagues which she would never knowingly do.

"It's fine." Bernadette sighed. "There is no need; you spoke in the heat of the moment. No apology needed as there is no harm done."

And yet what was no stuck in her head did not fall out.

X x x

"You are quiet tonight," Julienne said as she looked at her daughter who was sitting in her father's arm chair looking into the flames of their fire.

"Am I?" she said with a smile.

"You know if your father was here he would say you are looking pensive."

That had been one of his favourite, commonly used words.

"He probably would." She said with a smile.

"And he would not be wrong."

"My father," she said as she conjured two images.

One of them was a good man, the one who had held her in his arms and in his heart since the day she had been born. Even though he had been gone from her for a good while now, she was still sure she could draw him and have him come back to life just as he had been when he had been alive. He had a bump on his head and she knew where the freckles were on his arms were from when she had been on holiday with him as a child. She knew that he worked at a bank and when he made tea, he put the milk in before the water, even though she and her mother constantly told him it should be the other way round. He had a fondness for wine gums and the horse racing on the radio.

She knew all of this by heart.

But her other father she had no idea about. She did not know where he worked. How he liked his tea. What sweets where his favourites. What he did on a weekend – or even where he was. All of those things would make him real to her.

But he was just a blank slate, there was nothing there. He could be as dead as her first father was she reminded herself.

"My dear Bernadette," her mother's voice called to her and for the moment she wasn't sure she wasn't crying.

It felt to her as if there was a little girl inside who would like nothing more than to burst into tears and go into one.

That was when it all came spilling out as she held on to her mother's hand. She told her about Jenny and what she had said as well as the way she way she had said it, as she did not want her mother to believe there was any malice involved.

But more than that she told her about the way it made her feel and the thoughts which it had got spinning around in her head.

"You know the things your father told you – he said them because they were true. The two of us are always going to consider you our daughter whether you look for your biological parents or not."

"And whether I do or not, the two of you are always going to be my parents."

In all the real ways she thought to herself. In all the ways that mattered.

She hadn't felt there was anything missing and nor did she right then but the thought was there.

Should she meet them?

"What if I do not like what I find?" she asked.

"Then you are always going to be able to come home."

"This is going to be home whether I like what I find or not." she said with a serious expression. Julienne smiled sadly at her passionate loyalty.

"Yes, you're right. It is," she said as she kissed her on the forehead. "You know my love, you do not have to decide any of this tonight. And even if you think you have made up your mind you can always change it," she said as she kissed her daughters forehead. "But do promise me one thing."

Bernadette looked up at her mother with a shining admiration. No matter what happened she was always going to think of her mother as the wisest of women.

"You do this for you. You do not do it because of what your father said or because of what Jenny Lee said or even anything I say. This is a very personal thing. And that is how I want this to remain."

Bernadette nodded. Her mother's good sense was exactly why she admired her so much and why she always would.

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