Chapter 13
Bernadette got up steadily at the knock on the door and nodded to her mother.
So here they were. What felt the point of no return? Wellm it was.
She breathe deeply and it hit her for the first time she was about to meet someone who she shared DNA with. That in itself was a bizarre thought – all of this, everything about it was strange. She wondered if she would feel it yet there was only one way to find out.
She opened the door and for just a moment there was stunned silence as the three young women had a chance to look at each other. There was a blonde and a brunette and she was once more glad she had had the pictures sent to her so she knew who to address.
"Hello – I'm Bernadette," Bernie said at last as Anna continued in her silence for just a moment.
Anna and Bernie had similar colouring and Mary Crawley thought the shape of their eyes really was quite similar. Of course where they had been raised so far apart their mannerism would be very different. Between their accents there would be no resemblance. Now they were here Mary thought Anna's Yorkshire was a little broader than normal, as it always was in London and Bernadette definitely had a bit of a London twang but for all that, she felt sure if the two of them were put in a line up she could pick them out as the as the sisters they were.
She watched as the two of them looked at each other no doubt looking for what she was able to see, any features that were the same.
Looking for themselves in each other.
She had the oddest urge to call Sybil and even Edith.
At long as last the nerves which Anna had been feeling all day seemed to abandon her all at once.
Here she was. The big sister she had dreamt of since new the day she had heard of her.
All the reserve which had been keeping her natural warmth at bay was gone and she threw her arms about Bernadette before she said anything, who embraced her in return. Mary averted her eyes feeling this was a private moment and no one had the right to intrude on this.
Apparently she was not the only one thought so.
"Why don't we go and put the kettle on?"
Mary had barely noticed Shelagh's adoptive mother when they all stepped into the hallway but now she did she saw an attractive women in middle age with kind but very knowing eyes.
She was clearly not the type to suffer fools.
"What a good idea!" she beamed as they made themselves scare, not that the two sisters noted. Compared to the houses she and Anna had grown up in Yorkshire, it seemed to her this was quite a small place but the pictures on the mantel piece told her this home belonged to a family of three.
They had needed no more space than they had.
"My name is Mary."
She had a feeling she did not need to say that but for the sake of being polite…
"My name is Julienne," she said with a smile. She was not one to read gossip magazine and the likelihood of her believing what was printed within them was even smaller.
Yet she did feel as if she was on the defence that day and she had a right to be.
"It is nice to meet you."
It was a bizarre set of circumstance at no mistake, but that was no reason not to be good-mannered.
"How was the journey?"
"Nothing too bad, a slight delay at Doncaster but then we made good time."
"Are you staying far from here?"
Downton Abbey had gone in to the hands of the trust before she had been born but she was so glad that there house at in London had been kept in the family and it was a very useful base. Not that they were using it this time.
"At Grosvenor Square – with my aunt actually." There had been no point in opening the house for just the two of them.
"How long are you going to stay in London?"
"No more than a night or two I would think Anna will want to be home with her mother before too long." Elsie's surgery was to be performed the next morning so of course she was going to want to get back to her.
"Of course. How is she?"
"Bearing up."
There was an uncomfortable silence.
"I know this is a hard situation on them both but Anna is a very dear friend of mine and she is going through a lot right now. I would hate to see her further hurt."
"I do understand – like you sat this is a very hard situation and Bernie is my daughter. I would not have hurt either."
So they both knew where they stood.
"Anna could not hurt a fly, not even if she tried - it is not in her nature."
"And you will be pleased to know it is not in her sisters either."
Mary could only hope that was true.
X x x
"I can't believe it is really you." Anna choked back a few tears. If she had ever said she was not going to cry when she got here then she was now a liar.
"I am still trying to believe I really have a sister, let alone that you are here."
Anna could only imagine. "I must have been quite a shock. Me and the boys."
"Yes." Bernadette nodded. That she thought was still the most surprising part of the letter. She had known her parents were young and had assumed part of the reason she had been given up was because they had had to split up. Never had she dreamt that they were going to make it through together after all these years.
"I did not think I would have one sibling, let alone three, that is for sure."
"Please do not think badly of mum and dad for it."
Bernadette shook her head. "I don't. How is she?"
Anna's face shone and she said the only word in the world she could think of.
"Brave."
That was how she was.
"And in good hands."
The doctors at the hospital had been positive and their dad was with her so yes she was in very good hands indeed.
"It must have been quite a shocked to get mums letter."
There was no denying that. "It was but now I look back on it, part of me wonders if there was a part of me deep down that knew it was coming." She had been thinking about her biological family more and more after all. Maybe she had known.
"That could not have been an easy letter for Elsie to write."
Anna shook her head. It hadn't been. "She did not want to do it like that. She does care. So much. Please don't be angry with her."
Bernie shook her head. "If I had gone to a bad family then maybe I may have done but I didn't."
She had gone to good parents.
And she knew Elsie cared. Had she not, she would not have bothered putting pen to paper.
"I had a wonderful childhood. " She had no anger or regrets.
Only gratitude's.
As sorry as she was to not grow up with her siblings, she would not have missed the upbringing Julienne and Charles had given her for anything in the world.
"I am so glad." Anna admitted. She was the first to say she had at one time or another resented the choice her mother and father had made. She had feared for her sister.
"I was safe and loved."
At all times. Not even all kids who were brought up by their biological parents could say that.
It was a relief Anna knew and it was going to be even more so for her mum. The way Bernie was talking there was nothing to forgive and so there was a chance in the future that her mother may yet get to forgive herself.
"What were they like as parents?" Bernadette asked.
Anna paused for a moment and found in an odd her loyalties were torn. Would it bring her sister comfort if she said they were less than wonderful and she was therefore able to believe she had had nothing short of a lucky escape or would it just make her worry about the three of them who had got left behind?
But then she looked again and she saw she needed no comfort. Her sister had been honest with her and she was sure she owed her the same compliment in return.
"They were good parents – they are good parents. I mean I am not going to say they never got it wrong but I know they always tried and loved us even when they did not like us."
Bernadette smiled. That was a sentiment she recognised.
She had heard it once or twice.
"Mum always worked even when we were small but she was always there when we needed her.
"She is a very understanding woman and knows us three like the back of her hands. She loves chocolate and she won't admit it but she loves Emmerdale too."
Bernie smiled as she thought Julienne was much the same way with Eastenders. There was something about the way that she always knew what was going on in the square.
"Dad… dad is a man who likes to see things done properly. He has a lot of strong values which he can't quite let of until he absolutely has too," she said as she put some serious thought in to how she would describe her father. She had never had to do it before. "But he can do it for those he loves and he will.
"He has a good sense of humour and he is loyal. He worships the ground mum walks on and has always been there for me." She wasn't sure if Thomas would say the same but that was for him to reveal as and when the time came.
"My adopted father was called Charles as well – it's funny isn't it?"
Anna nodded with a light laugh before she realised what her sister had said.
"Is it long since you've lost him?"
"It feels a lot longer some days than others."
Anna was not at all sure that Bernie was the right question to be asking this to but she could not stop the words coming out.
"What was it like?"
"When we lost him? Fairly awful. No actually it was entirely awful. I know it is the natural orders of things – your parents are meant to die before you do but in the end it felt as if it all happened so quickly that we had no time to say good bye or to have any prepartion for life without him, not that you can prepare yourself.
"Mum is the most capable women I know, she always has been," Bernie told her and for the first time she knew she had referred to Julienne in front of her sister as her mother but if it bothered Anna then she did not bat an eye lid. "But she went to pieces."
Anna did not think Charles was able to function with her mother some days so she did not like to think what was going to become of him of she did not have her there to keep her on the straight and narrow.
He would…
And then there was the three of them kids. They would try to take care of their dad but she knew for a fact they were going to just do it wrong and make it all worse and before she knew it she had her head in her hands as she worried and it was then she remembered where she was.
"Oh God I am so sorry!"
"You do not have to be. I know how scared you are."
She had been there before.
"You are going through this for a second time."
The two things were very far removed from one another Bernie thought initially before allowing that they were akin to each other in her mind.
She had felt a massive, overwhelming grief when she had lost Charles and she was going to feel she had lost something very precious if the worst happened now…
"But we are not there yet Anna," said Bernie gently.
The blonde nodded. "Sorry I didn't meant to – well, it has been an emotional few weeks. But then I do not have to explain that you." Bernadette shook her head.
There was no need to explain at all.
"It can't have been easy."
But shook her head. "It has not been. But there has been joy to it as well and days like today make it easier."
Shelagh could tell she meant that – she was not just sating it to be kind. Somehow she knew that was not Anna's style.
"How do you think your mother and Mary are getting on?"
"Well – well, but not as famously as we are! I just hope they bring that tea through soon."
For the first time, the sisters laughed together.
X x x
Half a tray of dairy milk later and Shelagh had told Anna the beginnings of what she needed to know about her – what it was like growing up in London, about the wonderful wider family she had had and the beginnings of her career as a midwife.
"I cannot even begin to imagine the job satisfaction you get."
Bernadette nodded. "There can be great sadness which comes along with it but your right. Coming home after a successful delivery knowing mum and baby are well and are beginning a whole new life together – there are not many things which can match that."
It was for that feeling that made the moments of sadness worth it.
In return, Anna told her about growing up in Yorkshire, being in and out of Downton Abbey her whole life and attending the village school. Then about working with Mary and meeting John.
"Has there never been a man on the picture for you?"
"Oh I would not say never – there have been one of two boyfriends along the way but no one I could ever be more serious about," Bernadette admitted. "That is still in my future I hope."
Anna nodded. "I am sure it will be."
Her sister was beautiful, funny and intelligent. As far as she was concerned, any man who didn't fall in love with her was a fool.
All in all, Bernadette could only say that the afternoon went far too quickly. She had not thought she was going to feel as if she knew Anna so well already but she did – whether it was because the two of them were related or just down to Anna's easy going, open nature she was not sure. But whatever one it was she was grateful.
They took an hour to be on their own and then they had called Julienne and Mary in so they could join the conversation.
Bernadette wondered if thing as had been a little frosty on that score but she knew she would get the low down on that later on.
Far too soon the visitors had decided it was time to put on their coats.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay for dinner?"
"It is so kind of you to offer –" Anna said as she tried to think of a polite way to decline without seeming rude.
"But it has been a long day for us both, mum," Bernie saved her. "I think Anna is a bit tired."
She knew she was.
"Soon though," Anna chipped if. "If the offer still stands."
"It will stand until you take us up on it," Julienne said as she gave her a kiss on her cheek. She approved of Anna enormously. Charles and Elsie clearly made good children together.
"Then I will be back."
"God bless you my dear."
Anna then turned to Bernadette who had said good bye to Mary whilst she had been with Julienne.
"Don't be a stranger, will you?" Anna asked.
"After this afternoon we could never be strangers again."
Not so long ago they would not have known each other if they had walked passed each other on the street.
But everything was different now.
"Will you give me a ring? Tell me how tomorrow goes?"
Anna nodded. "Of course I will – as soon as I know, you will." She could not say fairer than that.
"Well then – I will see you soon - sis."
A big smile appeared on Anna's face. She liked the sound of that.
X x x
"I want to go up to Yorkshire." After her meeting with Anna that was the one thought in Bernadette's head. Being with her sister had been incredible – it was something beyond what's he had imagined.
She had never had a sibling before and had so desperately wanted one when she had been younger.
Why her parents had not adopted again she was not sure. May be it was a simple as the fact they were content with the three of them being there family and as she had got older she had been too but as a younger girl and women she had missed the comradery of a sibling.
Julienne had been expecting that when she had seen the way the two girls were together. It was a joy to her heart. Yes, she and Mary had been a bit frosty with each other to begin with but they were not the ones who mattered.
"Do you mind?"
Bernadette wondered if she was for ever going to feel this torn between who she had been raised to be and the family she had been born into.
She was not going to lie – it did feel to her as if she was committing some kind of betrayal. Her mother said it was fine but within hours of meeting a Carson she wanted to know the whole lot of them.
Julienne smiled. "I have told you once and then I have told you a thousand times…"
"Don't exaggerate," the two of them said in unison, laughing at Charles' old saying as Julienne brushed a hand through her daughter's soft hair.
"You are my daughter and I am your mother. But that is only because there was a woman out there who was brave enough to admit she couldn't keep you. I owe Elsie Carson a lot. No I don't mind."
Julienne had been thinking about Elsie a lot lately – of course she had been. She was well able to remember the first night she had bright her daughter home and how she had stood over her crib and said a pray for her mother, that she was going to be safe and loved and find some peace in her days. She was so glad that she had – she had to in order to have raised such a fine woman as Anna.
She had given Bernadette and their family the space which they had needed and respected what her child wanted absolutely.
Julienne had to do the same.
"I want to go and met my younger brothers."
"Of course you do." Julienne nodded reminding herself this was about so much more than her biological parents. No doubt having siblings there was a big draw.
And when she had got on so well with Anna there was no reason why she might not get on with the two boys that way as well.
"And I want to see her."
God willing she was going to get through this just fine but there was a small torturous voice in the back of her mind that said what if she was running out of time with Elsie before she had had any at all?
What if this was her one chance?
Her biological parents had said they were going to come to long son as soon as they could and she knew they had no wish to put her out but the way she saw it this was not putting her out. This was her finding something she had never felt she had needed to find before. But now she did.
Julienne nodded, watching her with proud eyes.
"I think she wants to see you too." And if she did not then she was the biggest fool in all the world, my sweet daughter.
"Mum?"
"Yes my darling."
"Will you come with me?" Bernadette asked that question in a small and shy voice. She did not mean to make it any harder on her mother than it had to be but at the same time she knew she had to start listening to her or Julienne was going to be to be annoyed at her. She had said she was fine with this and her mother was no liar.
And so she could ask her to come with her. Because she knew this was going to be hard – and emotional – and maybe she was ever going to get quite confused at times…. But she did need her mother with her to do this.
She knew she did.
"Of course I am going to come with you if you want me there," she said as she stepped forward to take her in to her arms as she had done when she was a small girl.
The truth was, if she had not asked her to go then she would have been more worried.
When Bernadette got to Yorkshire, Julienne knew what she was going to find. A family who was thrilled to see her but one who also had its own cares and worries right then.
And no matter how much they wanted to make sure they welcomed her in to the fold, as they should they were going to want to make sure there mother and wife was alright even more which was just the way that it should be given the circumstances.
"I don't think I am going to able to do this without you…"
Julienne somewhat doubted that. She was of the opinion her daughter could and generally did do anything which she set her mind to.
But if she was needed there was no way she was going to stay away.
"You won't have too."
X x x
"Today went better than I ever thought it was going to," admitted Anna. She had been so afraid when she had been on her way. She had no idea how she was going to be received but it had all worked out for the best. Her sister had been lovely. "I cannot believe how lucky I am." She said with a happy little laugh.
She felt as if she was walking on air when she got back to the Lady Rosamunds town house.
She had spent all afternoon with her sister and the good news was they got on – better than any other news in the world was that they got on. Not only were they sisters but she felt sure they were going to be friends well.
Mary was not one given to unbridled joy but she was happy to see Anna so contented for the first time in a while. Her friend needed that joy in her life so she was happy it had been a success.
"Well if you ask me I think she is the lucky one."
"And you are not terribly biased." Anna said with a smile as she took her coat off.
"Biased I may be but wrong I am not." Mary shrugged. "You seemed to have a lot to talk about."
"Twenty off years of life," Anna smiled happily.
But now they had all the time in the world and they were going to need to make up for it.
Nothing could make her happier than that day had unless she could npw go and have a bit of time with John right there and then but he was up in Yorkshire. So the best she was going to be able to do was to call him.
But before that she knew she had to catch put on some emails.
Mary had been good to her and shew as her friend. She was also her boss and she didn't have to worry about keeping her on side… but she did not want to take the micky.
In the morning her mother would have her surgery – but before that Anna was going to be able to ring and give her the good news as well that her daughter was well.
That she knew was going to be a priceless gift to Elsie.
Anna headed upstairs to make her phone calls and get her work done, knowing in all honesty she had already done a good days work.
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