Chapter 4.
"You see, it's never bad enough to just leave or give up, but it's never good enough to feel right."
"I'm actually happy to see you, Alex. How- how are you?" Desi asked in a concerned voice and with an astonished look when he noticed her short hair, which made Alex flinch because she suddenly remembered that this man in front of her had been really kind to her before. He gave her a house, food, clothes and an education that Alex didn't even want.
The past weeks, Desi had been worried about Alex but he knew better than to tell the police because he'd be in trouble, and besides, he knew that Alex could take care of herself, but he really missed her because she was the only person who would listen to him, and he genuinely loved his friend Diane and he promised he'd take care of her daughter. But so far he'd only managed to make her go away, so he was waiting for Alex to eventually return, to try to make things right.
"I- I'm…" Alex took a deep breath, trying to calm herself after running all the way from Piper's house, she bent down and put her hands on her knees, closing her eyes for a moment.
Her mind was racing and she couldn't forget Piper's words: "Sophie kissed me… and it was… nice, Al." They were making her head spin and her eyes still threatened to free unshed tears. She didn't like feeling vulnerable in front of anyone, but she was so close to losing it.
Desi approached her and put his hand on Alex's back, perfectly understanding the brunette, so he didn't push her and instead walked to the kitchen, "Go freshen up, whenever you're ready we'll have dinner."
Alex was glad that Desi was in some ways very similar to her, so she bolted to her room and closed the door behind her, taking a sharp breath that finally gave way to the tears. With restrained sobs and clenched fists, Alex reached her shower and let the water flow while she undressed slowly, taking her glasses off first and tossing her clothes on the floor. She reached her iPod dock just outside her bathroom on top of her drawers and turned it on, selecting the song she wanted to hear and turning the volume all the way up before returning to the shower to get in.
She let the hot water cascade through her body as she cried in silence, biting her knuckles to stop any noise coming from her throat. Her wet hair stuck to her face as she leaned into the cold tile wall and closed her eyes, lifting her head to face the ceiling. She could clearly picture two roads splitting up from here.
She stays with Piper knowing anything could happen with Sophie and she tries to help her with her first possible girlfriend. Even if that meant sheer, terrified agony on her own part.
The other road was even worst to Alex's eyes: trying to distance herself from her best friend. There was actually a third road but Alex didn't acknowledge it at that point because she was really scared of what could happen if she revealed her feelings for Piper at a time like this.
But she made a promise to Piper to stay for her, especially now that the blonde needed her support, attention, and love. Even if she hadn't promised her, Alex knew she could never leave her friend because she represented the best part of her life and the love she felt for her was bigger than anything else at the moment.
Leaving Piper alone was like taking a sharp razor and slowly eviscerating herself. She just couldn't live without her, so she decided to be there, to be a good friend. She'd rather destroy herself in the process than put Piper through any kind of pain.
When the hot water started to actually burn her skin, she turned it off and turned on the cold water to quickly shower.
Piper tried to understand what could possibly had made Alex bolt so quickly after she told her about her day at chemo. Could it be that Alex was jealous?
Maybe she thought that Piper having something with Sophie meant that she wouldn't spend time with her and it made her jealous and sad?
Was it possible that Alex didn't like Sophie? What if Alex actually liked Sophie?
"Ugh, what's wrong, Alex?" she whispered to her pillow, trying to stop the nausea that was slowly invading her. She needed Alex lying beside her at night to get to sleep. She didn't realize the reason behind her feelings of missing Alex too much, but she knew that whenever Alex was around, she felt safe and happy.
Piper had to get out of bed to reach her bucket before the insides of her stomach were emptied. Retching, she felt the muscles in her digestive system burn and her eyes watered. She felt drained and only wanted to sleep but after brushing her teeth and washing her face, she tossed and turned in her bed, unable to sleep.
She knew that Alex didn't have her cellphone with her but she decided to text her anyway. When she grabbed her phone from her nightstand, she noticed she already had a text and her disappointment was evident when she read that it was from Sophie.
Sophie: Hey, I just wanted to say good night, gorgeous. :)
She dismissed the text and quickly typed:
Piper: Al, I'm not sure if I did something wrong. You're probably not going to read this anyway, but I'm sorry. I miss you, I wish you were here.
Piper sighed and replied to Sophie.
Piper: Hi, thanks, good night to you too. See you on Monday. X
She grabbed the book Alex had been reading to her to try to distract herself but the words seemed meaningless. She had to read the same paragraph over and over again to understand it because whenever she read it, her mind drifted to Alex and what she could possibly be doing on this Saturday night.
Suddenly, her phone vibrated and Piper instantly checked it, only to see it was another text from Sophie.
Sophie: I'm not sure I can wait until then…
Piper smiled in spite of herself and felt giddy because it has been a while since anybody flirted with her, and she enjoyed her attention, but she didn't know what to say because she was sure her parents wouldn't let her out of her house, so she put her phone down and leaned her head on her headboard.
Around 4 o'clock in the morning, Piper realized that she wouldn't be sleeping that night, so she got up and walked slowly to the kitchen to grab a glass of orange juice. She was drinking it and a sudden and violent pain in her lower back attacked her, making her drop the glass and bend over, falling to the ground with a piercing scream.
...
Cal was playing Grand Theft Auto on his room when he heard her sister screaming, so he ran outside of his room alarmed.
"Piper? What's wrong?!" He yelled as he ran through the stairs, jumping two at a time to reach her sister quickly.
When he entered the kitchen, he saw her sister lying on the floor, clutching her back with one hand, with her knees flexed to her chin and a face of absolute pain.
"Hold on, sis," he mumbled and ran to get the phone to dial 911 when their parents rushed to their daughter, obviously half-asleep and terrified.
An ambulance arrived at her house 10 minutes later and Piper was barely conscious. The pain was so intense that she wanted to pass out because nothing had ever felt like this and she felt nauseous and dizzy. Her right side burned and hurt like she had been stabbed with a hot blade.
The EMD put an IV and questioned her parents before taking her to the hospital. Piper wasn't totally aware of what was happening because at some point she fainted and woke up feeling cold and still dizzy. The pain was still there, but it wasn't as bad as it was a few minutes ago.
She opened her eyes and noticed her mother sitting beside her inside the ambulance and she was surprised, but she couldn't think about anything but Alex. Alex didn't know she was going to the hospital. Alex had no idea.
She tried to tell her mother but the EMD had injected a narcotic through her IV, which was starting to take effect and she felt really drowsy.
...
Alex went with Piscatella to grab a pizza at a nearby restaurant and they talked for the first time in weeks. The brunette told him about Piper and her therapies, how she wanted to make sure everything was okay, the hardest decision she had to make when she cut her hair just to make her best friend feel better and how she was really mad at him for the way he reacted that night.
Piscatella looked half-mad, half-ashamed and didn't say a word but the muscles on her chin were flexing. He understood what she was saying but he was still angry at Alex for not even texting him about that. He would've understood the situation, he told her eventually.
"No, you wouldn't have because you were drinking every fucking day!" Alex raised her voice and swallowed hard before taking a deep breath to try to calm herself because she knew it would piss him off again, so she looked at him and apologized, "I'm… I'm sorry, okay? I'm just so worried about her," her voice cracking.
"Here," he suddenly told her as he handed her her phone. He signaled the waiter for the check, before turning to his step-daughter. "I'm sorry too," he muttered before turning to the waiter.
Alex immediately turned on her phone, feeling somewhat happy that she was able to talk to Piper, the only thing she wanted to do was call her best friend to let her know that she had her phone back, but she remembered about that kiss and felt her heart sink, so she hastily put her phone on her jacket pocket.
She sighed and tried not to imagine anyone kissing Piper, but she failed because she started wondering where it happened and how and if Piper was reluctant at first or if she kissed her properly and it was destroying her so she excused herself and ran outside of the restaurant to try to breathe properly.
Desi followed her and asked her if everything was okay because it was evident that it was not, but Alex just nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat before announcing in a hoarse voice that she was going to visit Nicky. Piscatella wasn't happy but she promised to return home so he let her.
...
"Fuck, Vause… you look like shit!" Nicky breathed as soon as she opened her bedroom window to let her friend in.
"Gee, thanks, it's nice to see you too, asshole," Alex tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace. She plopped down on her friend's bed, face first.
"What the fuck happened to your hair?" I haven't seen it that short in… I have never seen it short, how-? What-…?" Nicky was at a loss for words at the sight in front of her. Saying she was surprised would be the understatement of the year.
Alex's muffled grunt was the only response she got. Nicky knew it was best to let her friend talk when she felt like doing it, so she sat down on the floor, beside her bed and lit up a joint. She started smoking slowly. "Want a hit?" she asked just for asking because she knew Alex never refused a joint.
The brunette sat down beside Nicky and took the joint, but her eyes were bloodshot before smoking. Nicky noticed it but didn't say anything, she just put her arm around her friend's shoulders and gave it a little squeeze.
They smoked in silence until the joint was over so Nicky stood up to get a couple of beers. She tossed Alex one and sat down. The taller girl opened her beer and took a long sip before putting the bottle down on the floor and turning to look Nicky in the eye.
"I'm fucked," she choked up.
...
Piper woke up several hours later, feeling groggy and confused. She slowly opened her eyes and realized she was in the hospital, it was too familiar to not recognize it by now. She closed her eyes and remembered what happened earlier. She wasn't in pain anymore but she was worried because surely that wasn't normal. She looked to the wall clock and noticed it was almost 9 am.
Carol noticed her daughter was awake and ran to her side, taking her hand between hers, a worried look on her face. "Piper, how are you feeling?" she asked her daughter in a shrill voice.
Piper was taken aback by her mother's attitude but she was grateful that she was okay and especially, not alone. "I'm better, thanks, where's-" Carol cut her off with a wave of her hand and sternly said "Don't worry, everybody is okay, your father will come tomorrow after work and I'm staying here until then," she finished, sitting down on the chair next to Piper's bed.
Piper hadn't even thought about that, she wanted to ask about Alex but she knew her mother would be pissed so she changed her question, "Where's Doctor Healy? I want to talk to him, he needs to know about-" Carol cut her off again. "Piper Elizabeth Chapman, calm down. Everything will be okay, another doctor is seeing you right now, you'll have to wait to talk to him."
Piper didn't feel like fighting with her mother so she nodded and kept quiet, trying to fall asleep again to pass the time because she didn't know what to say to her mother, she needed Alex to know she was here, she needed Alex to come and take care of her. Alex knew how to make her feel better, Alex knew her.
After what seemed like forever, nurse Morello gave Piper her pain medications and she finally dozed off to a dreamless sleep.
...
Around 9 am, Alex thought it was time to head back home, they had talked for hours. Alex was honest with Nicky and after a couple of beers and a lot of weed, she confessed she was deeply, irrevocably in love with her best friend, to which Nicky joked that she always knew Alex wanted her but she could never be her girlfriend because they knew too much about the other.
Alex finally laughed when Nicky joked about that, but it only stung more in her chest because she had to tell her crazy haired friend about the other girl and how she cut her hair to make Piper feel better just to find out that she was okay wearing that stupid fucking beanie.
Nicky felt sad for her friend, but she told her that the best thing she could do was confess her feelings to the blonde. Needless to say, Alex was adamant on her decision to not expose herself like that just to have her chest ripped wide open and her heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
They both agreed that the noble thing to do was support Piper through this and hope for the worst, Nicky figured that the outcome of that possible relationship could be an indicator to Alex: if Piper realized she wasn't really attracted to girls, Alex would have to forget her, but if she was really comfortable with the issue, then it was Alex's time to act.
So after the matter was settled, they fell asleep on Nicky's bed, and now Alex stood up and said goodbye to Nicky and climbed off her window to walk home. The fresh air felt good in the chill morning, but she didn't want to catch a cold, so she put on her jacket and reached for her cigarettes on her pocket but felt her phone vibrating.
Desi just called her but her heart raced uncontrollably and an unpleasant flutter took hold of her stomach when she noticed all the lost calls she had from Cal.
With shaking hands, she dialed Cal's number, trying to steady her sudden shallow breathing.
"Pick up, pick up, come on." Alex was pacing, waiting for him to answer the phone.
"Alex, finally," Cal sounded really sleepy and tired, "What happened?!" Alex practically yelled at the phone, desperate to know if Piper was okay.
"Piper's in the hospital, something happened to her around 4 o'clock and the ambulance came and I don't know how she's doing, I haven't talked to my mother yet, so I can't-" Alex didn't let him finish what he was going to say because she was already running to the hospital.
Good day, my dear readers. I have to profusely apologise for the delay in this chapter, but I have been so busy. I'll update regularly again, I hope you're still interested in this story.
Reviews are much appreciated.