6. Guidance

(Mikhail POV)

Teachers and students filed past me as they followed Father Andrew down the aisle and out through the doors at the rear of the chapel. From my place in the back row I could hear the priest greet each of his congregation warmly as they departed, but when I realised a certain someone wasn't among the crowd I tuned out the low murmur of conversation and focused on the space around me.

The chapel was much simpler than most Eastern Orthodox temples you might find in Russia or Europe, but great efforts had been made to honour the essence of traditional design. A deep red carpet ran the length of the building and up onto the raised altar at the front, giving the old stone room a much needed injection of colour and warmth. Ornately crafted frames hung along each wall, housing icons of the saints that were painted in such vivid detail they almost seemed alive. Candelabras hung from the gently domed ceiling, and the smell of incense gave the room a heady, mystical atmosphere.

When I was a young child my mother insisted we attend church services each week, which were held in the human town near our dhampir commune. I found it exciting to be in the outside world, and the chapel's rich architecture and icons of holy saints performing miracles made the place feel like a magical wonderland. Over time I also came to appreciate the familiar rituals and the opportunity to unravel my thoughts through private contemplation. Even now, meditating in any quiet, sacred place brought me inner peace – and in my line of work that wasn't an easy thing to come by.

Today however, finding peace seemed to be an unattainable goal. My head swam with images of Sonya Karp; shielding her eyes from the sun, the parched, brittle skin on her cheeks, the way she flinched when I came close to her, how she walked away without a word. I didn't understand. We had been doing so well over the past few weeks, getting a little closer each time we met, and then BAM – things felt tense and awkward between us again. I leant forward and rested my head on the pew in front of me in frustration.

After several minutes I became aware of a faint scuffing noise behind me then I felt a hand on my shoulder.

'Do you need some guidance, my son?' the priest stood beside me, stooping slightly to make eye contact as I raised my head. 'It's Mikhail, isn't it?' he asked kindly.

'Mikhail Tanner,' I confirmed, reaching out to shake his hand as I considered his offer. I rarely asked for help and it made me feel vulnerable to admit that I didn't have all the answers, but in this case I really didn't know what to do next. Maybe talking the problem through with another person would be helpful?

Just then, I glanced down and noticed that the priest had already changed back into his regular clothes. 'I shouldn't bother you, Father Andrew,' I shook my head to dismiss him. 'You look like you're ready to head home.'

'It's no bother at all,' he replied amiably, slipping onto the bench beside me. 'Take all the time you need.'

I looked at him gratefully then considered my problem for a minute, trying to decide how to begin.

'Do you believe in fate, Father?'

He paused, frowning thoughtfully at the question.

'If you mean fate in the sense of God's plan then yes. And if you're talking about life throwing you random chances then I'd probably disagree… or perhaps God works through the random chances too? Why do you ask?'

I hesitated briefly, then launched ahead. 'I've met someone.'

'That's wonderful,' the priest's eyes lit up and he congratulated me with a pat on the back. 'They say God works in mysterious ways, and women are the most mysterious of all God's creations, wouldn't you agree?' he joked, trying to put me at ease.

I chuckled briefly in acknowledgement before the serious expression crept back over my face.

'This one is more mysterious than most, I'm afraid,' I replied, running my fingers through the tips of my hair.

The priest gave a knowing nod then waited for me to continue.

'I never planned for this to happen, Father,' I explained helplessly. 'I only got my job at The Academy because Guardian Usatov went on sabbatical. My application was selected from at least twenty other candidates and if one of the others were chosen I might never have met her.'

'Now I understand why you mentioned fate,' he nodded thoughtfully. 'So what's the problem? She doesn't return your affection?'

That was a hard one to answer.

'Sometimes she seems to be interested in me, but it's difficult to be certain. Over the past few weeks we've developed a kind of rapport, and I think she is beginning to trust me, but our schedules haven't allowed us the opportunity to really spend time together and see if things will develop into something… deeper.'

Father Andrew thought quietly for a moment. 'So, is there something stopping you from declaring yourself to her? Making your feelings known?'

'Yes and no,' I replied, my brow wrinkling. 'I'm certain of my feelings for her and would tell her in a heartbeat, but she is a very private person and I'm afraid a declaration would scare her away.'

I'd wanted to say something to her in the garden this afternoon – to let her know I was there for her however she needed me, but I knew it wasn't the right time.

'And then there's the matter of my position,' I continued.

'How do you mean?' the priest asked, cocking his head to one side.

'Well, to begin with, my assignment here isn't permanent,' I explained, counting off the reasons on my fingers. 'As soon as I get recalled to Court I can't guarantee when I'll be able to see her again. Leaving The Academy would feel like I was abandoning her.' I moved on quickly to my second point. 'And even while I am still here at St. Vladimir's the logistics of carrying out a personal relationship are… problematic. We would have limited time and privacy, and if Headmistress Kirova discovered that two of her staff members were involved she might have me transferred immediately to prevent a scandal.'

'Hmm…,' the old man nodded, taking it all in.

'Most importantly though,' I continued, 'a distracted guardian is a liability to his colleagues and those in his charge. How can I pursue a meaningful personal relationship while still maintaining my professional integrity as a guardian?' I trailed off, feeling old anxieties flare up.

I'd once lost somebody close to me because the person who was charged to protect her failed in their duty. I refused to let that happen to anybody in my care – no matter the reason.

Father Andrew rested a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. 'It would certainly be difficult to manage, but not impossible,' he counselled. 'Our society does place high expectations on guardians but there is nothing that specifically prohibits you from having a personal life. Is there anything else that is holding you back?'

I looked down at my hands, which lay open in defeat. 'She's moroi,' I replied sadly.

'Aha,' he breathed softly in understanding.

'I realise it's not illegal for a dhampir to be in a relationship with a moroi female,' I explained quickly, 'but even if she did accept me, so many others wouldn't approve of the match. She'd be ostracised by moroi society, maybe even her own family. If she wanted moroi children one day I couldn't provide her with that. Surely she deserves more?'

It might seem a bit extreme to be considering family planning when I hadn't even gotten as far as the first date yet, but I didn't see Sonya as some one night stand or a short term affair. She had me hooked, and If I was going to pursue this at all I was playing for keeps.

'It sounds to me like you've thought through nearly every option,' the priest replied cryptically.

What did I miss? I asked myself, frowning as I mentally checked off the list.

'Does she make you happy?' he asked.

'Some of the time,' I answered truthfully, 'when she's not making me feel nervous, protective, frustrated or confused.' I looked up with a wry smile. It was strange to say the words out loud, but Sonya Karp made me feel more than I'd allowed myself to feel in a very long time, and I found the experience completely overwhelming.

'And could you make her happy?' he probed.

'I think so... yes,' I replied with more certainty, recalling Sonya's smile and the trust in her eyes that grew each time I saw her.

'Then you only have one final question to consider. Which holds more power over you; your worries and fears about what might go wrong, or the potential for your combined happiness if you succeed?...'

I looked up at the priest in surprise. I'd been so focused on the difficulties surrounding a relationship with Sonya that I hadn't really let myself consider the positives, and the small flicker of hope that suddenly burst into life excited and frightened me at the same time.

'...Once you have an answer to that, you will know how to proceed,' he announced, standing up and smoothing out his trousers.

Father Andrew turned to leave then paused and looked back at me. 'Whether you call it God or fate, Mikhail, sometimes when life hands you a gift you simply need to reach out and take it,' he concluded, before walking away to leave me alone with my thoughts.

I stared with unfocussed eyes at the dancing flame of a votive candle as I pondered the old man's advice. Was I going to let myself be ruled by the fear of failure, or the promise of a life with Sonya if we could find a way to make it work?

With a growing sense of clarity, I realised one crucial fact. Whatever happened, Sonya Karp was worth the risk.

Author's Note:

I loved Dimitri's connection to the chapel in the VA books & wanted to make this a significant place for Mikhail too. Maybe it's weird getting love advice from a priest, but I think Father Andrew would be a great non-judgemental person for Mikhail to talk to when he's so far from home.