Chapter 15

Hi Bernadette – mum is having the second surgery today – I will keep you updated. Love, Anna.

X x x

It was the sort of day you had to prepare for when you were a midwife, even though they all dreaded it with all their heart and soul.

Bernadette had no idea what she was walking into.

But as soon as she saw Julienne's face she knew there was something that was wrong.

You accepted that this was going to be part of the job - though of course you would do all you possibly could to prevent it. A mother on their ward, had given birth to a completely healthy baby and she had been completely healthy herself to the naked eye. And then in the night she had passed as she held her son in her arms.

To say they were all distraught was an understatement but as she had been the one to attend the delivery, it was hitting young Cynthia the worst.

Bernadette went in to the staff room to find the young girl sitting between Jenny and Trixie, a usually bright and bubbly girl herself. The three of them had been pretty inseparable since they had arrived and so Bernadette was glad she was there for her. Cynthia need her friends.

She looked newly devastated as she saw Bernadette come into view and it hit her all of the men and women who she worked with were going to find out what she had done. Quite asides the desperate grief she felt for the now single father, there was the shame.

"I did everything I was meant to. I am sure of it." she said pleadingly as if Bernadette was judge and jury. They had always got on since Cynthia had arrived at the training hospital. She was a serious and quiet young midwife but she was as bright as a button and clever.

"I have no doubt that whatever has happened here," Bernadette said steadily. "It is not your fault!"

But that was a comfort which was only going to help Cynthia in the long run and she wasn't ready for it yet. Not until they knew it to be true.

"We do not know this. For all we know this is entirely my fault."

She at the three of them as if she was daring them to say something different.

They did not.

X x x

"It won't have been a thing which she did."

Patsy Mount has the same faith in Cynthia that Bernadette had. "I would lay my last pound on it."

"I am as sure as you are." Delia chipped in, a young new welsh midwife who had joined them of late and had become close to Patsy. "But as cruel as it sounds we are just going to have to wait for the lab report to get back for sure."

"I am sure."

Seeing that she was not getting very far Delia went back to her computer and her notes quietly.

"How is the father doing?" Bernie asked.

"As well as he can be expected to do. He has just lost his wife."

Suddenly it all felt just a little too close for Bernie to deal with and so she got up off her chair and went to work.

She checked on the new-borns and the mothers reassuring them as she went. It was not a surprise some of them could not wait to get out to what they saw as to safety. Others were more understanding. But they were all new mums and they had there protective mama bear heads on.

She had seen it with her own mother when she had thought she was in danger from time to time. If she thought she was going to get hurt, then Julienne was going to be there to protect her.

Needing to be on her own but not without company she went to the one place where she could be with her thoughts but also with others.

The nursery. None of the little ones would ask her question.

It struck her just as it always did how innocent the babies were. They had it all ahead of them this crazy thing they called life. May be a few years' time one of the little ones in front of her right then was going to be a midwife as she was and bring other babies in to the world. Or may be one of them we was going to be a banker like her father.

Or may be one of them was going to be PM.

There was so much all them could be. And all she knew was one of the babies born in the hospital during the last twenty four was going to have to do all of it without a mum there to guide him.

She could not imagine what he would be willing to do to get some time with his mother if that was an option. She wondered what you would do if you were denied in the ultimate way time with your mother.

How it would feel.

But then she really did not have to she thought to herself. It could not be that much different to the way she felt about her dear old dad.

Unbidden tears begun to stream down her face. She cried for her mother who had been so excited who was now never going to get to see her little one grow up and she cried for the child that would never know its mum. She cried for Cynthia and the entire ward who were now so shaken. She cried for her mother who looked exhausted after her long night and she cried for her dad because he would want to be here to comfort her mother and could not be.

She cried for a woman miles and miles away from herself, undergoing surgery.

It was only then she became aware that there was someone else in the room who could walk and talk.

"Sorry if I was a bit snappy when we were back in the office," said Patsy as she looked in on the newborns and no doubt felt the same sense of peace which they had given to Bernadette. She had come bearing hot drinks.

The senior midwife shook her head and wrapped her hands around the cup of tea.

"I do not think any of us should take anything to heart today. Thank you."

That was part of the job and she had learnt that early on. That you had to make allowances for emotions. Otherwise they were kept in side and that was good for no one. That was just destructive.

"I hope that little lad has every joy in life. And I hope the best is yet before him," Bernadette murmured not seeing how it could not be.

"I am sure his father will do a good job."

Patsy seemed sure of a lot of things today but maybe that was her way of coping.

"You never know… things change all the time, nothing stays the same. It might not be just the two of them forever." She would never have said such a thing if she were near the father in question but if there was one thing she felt she had learnt of late it was that life had a funny way of sorting itself out.

"Well – you only get one mum don't you…."

For the very first time since she had heard the news which had greeted her when she got in to work she felt a smile creep on to her face.

"Not if you're lucky." She looked at her.

Patsy was so newly arrived to the hospital Bernie knew she did not quite take her meaning but that did not matter.

"I have to go," she said as she looked in at the babies for a last time.

They had so much ahead of them. But the fact was, so did she.

And she knew just where she had to go so she sought out her mother. She was no longer London bound.

"Mum I need to get on a train to Yorkshire today."

Julienne nodded with understanding.

There was no time like the present to go and she did not want to miss any time which she might have. There was one thought in her mind and that was once time was gone it was gone. There were so many things in this life you could in a way get back if they passed on from you but that was not the case with time.

Cynthia was wishing she could turn it back and there was a father with a new baby who was no doubt wishing the same thing and yet neither of them could.

And if she got a call to say her biological mother had died before the two of them a chance to meet again then she knew she was going to be joining them in their sorrowful kinship.

If there had been a point in trying to talk her out of it then Julienne would have tried but she had seen that look on her child's face before and she knew so much better than to even attempt it.

It was not going to work.

Julienne breathed deeply and nodded. She had just had the shift from hell and if the truth was known all she wanted to do was to go to bed with some aspirin and a glass of water and try to blank out everything which had just gone on.

But she was a mother. And she was always going to be a mother first, she had said that the day her daughter had been placed in her arms.

"Then it looks as if I am going to Yorkshire too."

Bernadette smiled as her eyes shone with love. "I know I asked you to come but I know how long this day has been –"

"Hush child," her mother said. There was no way in the world she was going to let her go on her own when she knew was she was going to need her more than ever when she got there. "let's pack our bags and go and get on a train shall we?"

Bernadette nodded. It was time.

X x x

Yorkshire…

Arriving at the hospital, Bernadette felt as if she was ready to question every voice she had ever made.

"Am I disrespecting her decision?"

They had all said she ought to wait for them to call her up and arrange a meeting… and she knew the first time she and Elsie saw one another was a huge moment.

But when she had found out about the mum who died and when Patsy had said what she did about only having the one mum. She had felt as if she had had to fly up here to be at the side of her mother.

"What does your heart tell you?"

"Nothing more than it is beating over time at the moment."

But it was too late for all of that now. They were here.

They walked into the hospital hand in hand. They were mother and daughter united.

Unlike so many people, Julienne and Bernie could take comfort in being in a hospital. This was a place which made sense to them for it was a building of healing and logic.

It was a place people who were sick got better.

They went to the main desk and with a deep breathe Bernadette asked a question which she had once thought she was never going to have any interest in the answer.

"Can you tell me where Elsie Carson is please?"

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