Chapter 16
Bernadette and Julienne were not the only ones who were turning up to the hospital uninvited that day and just like them, Edward Courtney had no idea if he was doing the right thing.
After he had finished uni, he had gone to live in London but that did not go to say he had forgotten all about his life in Yorkshire and the last thing in the world that he had done was forget about Thomas Carson. He had been his first big love so he had known he was going to remember him all his life long no matter what.
But it was only when he had heard about his troubles with his mother that he had come to realize that the feelings which he had for him were not quite as extinguished as he had thought they were.
The first thing which he had wanted to do was to get on a train and go to him and that was what he had done.
After he had got a warm response from the text he had sent, it had seemed the sensible thing.
Or if not the sensible then the right thing to do.
But now he had arrived he begun to doubt himself – but it was too late for that.
He was already walking down to the family room where he would find him.
Thomas Carson was always going to be special to him and if he got the hint he was needed by his old friend, then he was going to make sure he was there for him no matter what.
So when he turned up and the first thing Thomas did was looked at him as if he had hung the moon and then wrapped his arms about him, he knew he was not going to be going anywhere for a while which was just what he wanted.
He was not going to him face this on his own.
"Are you ok?" he asked with no small degree of tenderness.
"I am – well, I don't know how I am but I am glad to see you."
The words which he was saying just made Ed want to hold him tighter and that was just what he was going to do for as long as he was needed.
He would not let Thomas go through this on his own any more. That he promised.
He was glad to see Thomas was not the only Carson kid with someone there to support them through the day.
"How are you John?"
If he was honest he had never much rated John Bates and he knew Thomas was not overly keen on him either but him and Anna did seem as if they were quite devoted. And he did think maybe now he had underestimated him.
"I am not too bad," he said quietly so as not to disturb the others. Anna was not seated by John but instead was with her father, holding his hand and trying to keep strong for him when it was clear she was struggling herself. John would swoop in when it became obvious that was what was needed.
William sat on the other side of his father - it was clear the entire family were lost in their own prays for the same outcome. For good outcome. So they could take their wife and mother home…
That this time they got all the cancer out and that they could go on to the next stage of the treatment towards her recovery for recover she must.
Any other outcome was not acceptable.
He took a seat by Thomas and wondered vaguely if he had done the right thing. If he should ask about this Jimmy fellow he had heard of and if he was in some way taking advantage of an emotional situation. He hoped not. All he wanted to do was help someone he cared about very much.
They continued to sit in silence until the door opened - he hoped fervently it was a doctor coming to put them all out of their misery and to tell them Elsie was doing well but it was just two other women.
He looked back down at the point of the floor he had been spotting before he registered a change in the room. The atmosphere was different.
Anna got up.
But the silence continued.
X x x
This was going to go down in her life was one of those moments she was never going to forget, thought Bernie.
She had got a text on the train from Anna to say that Elsie had just gone down and so she had known she was not going to get to see her mother when she arrived.
But she was going to meet her biological father.
For the first time since she was an hour old. She looked to Julienne.
"Thank you for coming. I could not do any of this without you." Her mother looked at her knowingly.
"Yes you could. But you don't have too."
And that was the reason she loved her mother so very much.
With that last vote of confidence she put her hand on the door handle and turned into the past as well as the future.
She opened the door, and there he was.
Her father was right in front of her. Older than the other men in the room, Charles Carson was easily identifiable not just from the pictures which she had seen but from the way he was sitting with his head in his hands looking as if he was sitting on the edge of a cliff with no chance whether he was going to go forward or back.
He just had to wait for the verdict.
Thomas was there she saw – with who she would guess with his boyfriend as she knew no different. She saw William too and knew him at once at well.
And then there was Anna who looked as if she was relieved rather than upset to see her there, which meant the world to her. Was this how it felt to be a big sister?
All of the men looked up as she went into the room and she knew all she could do was hope she had made a good call.
"There was a baby born at the hospital last night," she said as she took the story from the very beginning of the day, unsure where to begin for a moment before deciding this was as good a point as any. "We lost the mum. It so rare these days but the more I got to thinking about it the more I needed to be here, because of that." She thought some of the others might need a bit more persuading but Anna did not. Her sister put her arms around her.
Having heard the passion and the love which her sister spoke of her job with, Anna had no doubt that had to be the definition of hell on earth for Bernadette. Therefore she was not going to go through it on her own. And she was so glad she had come here, to them.
"I am so sorry."
"Is she ok?" it was only the second time the two of them had met but it felt somehow that they were old friends already.
"We do not know yet - she is still in surgery." Anna sighed, as she became increasingly aware the two of them were not on their own and were being watched. She turned to her dad. He was the big one here, the one she knew her sister we was going to be most nervous about meeting.
"Dad this is-"
But he was on his feet and he did not need to be told.
X x x
"My daughter," Charles said - that was who the woman in front of him was.
He had known her as soon as she had walked in thought he door.
He did not too many people would see it but she was so like her mother in her younger years that it broke his heart.
Suddenly it all came back – the fear of giving her up and the smell of the maternity hospital and knowing he had to let her go whether he wanted too or not - there was no way for his and her mother to provide for her. There were so many moments in his life which he regretted but he regretted giving her up more than any of the others. Put together… She was their girl and should never have left their sides. But she had.
Charles could have run away in that moment. So much was going on and he did not know how to handle it. But it was not an option.
The two of them looked at one another and just looked... stared.
She had been so focused on her mother that she had at one point forgotten her father and the effect meeting him would have on her.
Julienne was behind her and she could feel her pushing her onwards.
It was Charles who found his voice first but nothing that made sense came out.
He had longed to have her back in his life since the day she had been given away and here she was.
The boys and Anna were there and all four of his babies were in the same room for the first time ever. And their mother – the woman who had brought all of them into the world – wasn't there to see it.
For the first time that day he realised he had let his wife leave his mind because he just had no idea who on earth she was talking about for a while.
"We are waiting to find out."
That was why they were all here in this little room he thought. Or had Anna answered already, as to how her mother was? He didn't know. All he knew was his daughters were here, his sons…
"Can I wait with you? I know Anna said to wait before I came to Yorkshire but –"
He had held himself back for as long as he could. Charles Carson had the chance to hold first born child for the first time since she had been a tiny girl and as much as he knew she might not appreciate it – he had been to throw his arm about them.
For the moment Bernadette was not sure what to do here. She had just wanted news of her mum – and for her mother not to die. But her father…
He was there before her, around her and his life was not in danger. He was warm and real and there. She had come in part from him.
Were the two of them parts of each other?
Up until she had rejected the idea vehemently but yes she thought to herself now. Yes they were.
She was as much a part of him as she was of her mother, the woman who had brought her up and taught her right from wrong, who stood back and let the man who had given her the greatest gift she had ever been given hold his child.
Julienne felt tears well in her eyes.
"Of course you can –" he said as he kissed her forehead, remembered himself and stepped back. "Of course you can."
She was surprised by how sad she felt when he did that… but maybe it was no surprise. For the first time since Charles Newgarden had died she had experienced a father's love –
And she wasn't going to deny it.
"How are you?" he asked.
Was she well? Had she been happy? Was everything as it should have been when she had been growing up?
He had never had so many questions in his head at once in his life.
She nodded.
"Good – good."
Together they sat down, with Julienne taking a seat in the corner.
She met the eyes of all four other men in the room and shared a small smile with them.
She had to admit she felt as if she stuck out like a sore thumb until she realised she too wanted nothing more than good news on Elsie.
And in a way… they were her family.
One way or another she had a place here.
It was as they sat down Charles felt as if he came back to reality.
For a moment he had felt as if he was truly dreaming – he had hoped and prayed his daughter was going to come back into his life for so long that he wondered if he had gone mad at last and just imagined her return.
But as he rubbed his eyes, he came to and yet Bernadette – his baby Shelagh – was still there. And so were her brothers and sister.
"Thomas, William – this is -"
"We know dad!" said Thomas.
He was not going to give her a hug – quite frankly for a moment he had thought there dad was going to knock her off of her feet but he was surprised by the rush of warmth he had knowing she was there – he had resented her when they were young and it was not all gone.
But he did not dislike her. He had no cause to. Their mum was in the hospital and if she did not care then she would not have come and he was not going to have a go at her for caring about their mother.
"It's nice to meet you –"
"You as well."
After all these years.
William was not as restrained as his brother and got up to give her a cuddle.
"It's so good to see you. Our Anna's told us all about you!"
"She told me all about you – but I can't wait to hear more from the horse's mouth!"
Anna beamed on sight of the two of them together.
"This is my John – and that's Edward – Thomas's friend."
What with the situation with Jimmy she was not sure if there was any more to tell than that.
If and when there was then it was up to Thomas to tell her.
It was then Bernadette realised she had an introduction to make.
Having nodded and said how nice it was to meet those who had turned up to support her siblings, she turned to the one who had come to support her.
"This is Julienne Newgarden – my mum."
Anna greeted her with a kiss.
"It's nice to see you again."
"And you."
Bernadette had thought about saying her adoptive mother but she hated the distance which it seemed to imply in that moment. She was her mum as she had always been her mum and she was not going to soften that – not even for any of them. Not even now.
That was when Charles stood up again.
"It's – it's so nice to meet you."
One look at Bernadette told him she had been brought up well - her job, her confidence, everything Anna had told him confirmed that too him, though he had a feeling he would still feel the need to check with her later.
But he had hoped more than anything his daughter was going to go to someone who was going to love her as much as he did.
And seeing the way Julienne looked at their daughter told him that had happened.
"And you," she said as she stood up feeling an unexpected lump in her throat.
There was so much to say now, but at that moment only two words spun round in his head.
"Thank you."
Thank you for loving her, for keeping her safe, for looking after my beloved girl.
But she shook her own head and beamed. "Thank you."
Thank you for giving me the gift of motherhood and making my life complete.
For years and years she had wanted to say that.
And now she had.
He kissed her cheek before he sat back down between his daughters and took both of their hands, William having made way for Bernadette.
All of this still felt like a dream but he knew it was reality. For if he was dreaming, they would not be in a hospital room and Elsie would be with them.
x x x
The news which came to them this time after Elsie's operation was the news which they had all hoped for the time before.
"We are fairly sure we got all the cancer," announced the nurse.
It did not mean she was not going to have to go through chemo, but it did mean that the family were able to breathe a sigh of relief.
They were another step closer.
"Can I see her?" asked Charles. For the first time since his daughter had come back in to his life his attention was on someone else.
Yet he still fit to burst by his proximity to her.
"Of course, but I am afraid we do not want too many people in there just now – two at a time."
Charles knew it was not down to him to decide who – though he wasn't sure who it was done to if not him – came in with him.
He couldn't rightly choose between the children. And of course they were going to be able to rotate but as he panicked in his head he saw the kids were rather dealing with manners themselves.
Though everything in her wanted to fly and be with her mum, Anna stayed in her seat.
They had got good news and so they were all going to get to see her in time.
But the three kids she had brought up stayed where they were.
It was Thomas who opened his mouth.
"Well go on then – you've come this far," he said to elder sister.
She just had to go a little further.
Charles wished his son was not so blunt at that moment but strangely enough it did the trick, And with their encouragement, she did.
Together, father and daughter left the room.
"Do you want a coffee?" offered Anna to Julienne.
The elder woman looked back on her day – from Cynthia's grief and that father's pain to Bernadette's realization and their train ride...
She did not have to think twice before nodding. "Oh yes." Together, they headed to the canteen once the boys have given them their orders.
They could all breathe a little easier now.
That left William, Thomas, Edward and John in the family room.
"Well I did not see that one coming," said Thomas.
If Ed was not there with him then he had a feeling he would have had a bit of a different reaction.
He could remember hating his sister for being so perfect when they had been young – she had been a figment of her parents imagination – the child they had always missed while they were the real, children who shamed them and made them wish maybe they had given up a different baby.
But now he could see it wasn't like that. He didn't feel as bitter as maybe he had thought he would.
What a difference a day or even hour makes, he mused to himself.
X x x
Bernadette crept in to the room as quietly as she could.
Having never had too much of a sweet tooth when she was a child she had not known how it felt to try and steal a biscuit from the tin.
Now she did.
Her biological mother she knew probably would have chosen any other way for them to meet but this way but in the end there was no way in which she could have stayed away now.
Not when they were so close.
But now Bernadette had seen her and even if Elsie did not know she was there, she could be told that her daughter had cared enough to come to her when she was sure she had needed her most and that was an end to it.
"Do you want to be alone?" asked Charles.
Bernadette shook her head.
This was the first time in twenty eight years they had been together – the three of them, just the three of them and he should not be excluded from that.
"No – do you?"
He shook his head and the two of them sat together on the same side of the bed while they waited for her to come round.
"Is she going to dislike it – me coming now?"
"Well I dare say she never saw you re-meeting us in a hospital room but then – then you were taken away from us in a hospital room," he sighed as he reached out to take the hand of his wife.
In a really weird way it was as if the three of them were coming full circle.
She looked at her mother and knew she was a beautiful woman. Right then of course she was pale and clammy and not quite at her best but there was a beauty to her. She would see it more and more as time went on.
She swallowed.
It felt to her as if time had been weirdly frozen for a moment – as if they were being painted for a picture or something but that was a rather rose tinted view of things.
"We have missed you your entire life," her father said without looking at her for fear of recrimination. "We were just too young to keep you."
"I understand. And I even thank you for doing it. If you had not I was never going to get to be with my mum and dad."
"The woman you came in with -"
"My mum," she confirmed.
"And they treated you well?"
"Always."
He shut his eyes and she saw his checks begin to shine from the tracks of tears down them – big, fat emotional tears.
She did not know quite how he was getting through that day.
She pulled out a tissue from her bag.
"I should have given you a bit of warning I was coming…"
"No – no, it is just me being rather silly I fear. It is just if anything had had happened to you I know I never would have been able to forgive myself."
"I got the impression that you and Elsie both struggled to forgive yourself for something which you should have done long ago – I did!"
He looked at her through big eyes and for a moment she was reminded strangely of a wise old owl. She wondered if it was just the situation or what which was making her have all kinds of bizarre thoughts…
She reached out and took his hand.
It was so warm. He raised a smile as he squeezed her in return.
"No matter how she feels – I am so glad you came."
The fact she was here with them…. then who was he kidding. He was just glad she had come full stop.
There were those who would say Elsie falling pregnant when she had would be the worst mistake which either of them had ever made.
But he could not feel the same. Never.
Not when he had his girl back with him at last. He could only hope he would never lose her again.
Shelagh felt joy bloom in her heart – the words he said for now were enough. More than.
X x x
When Elsie came round, she felt as if she had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.
She had the last time as well, but she guessed the feeling had been compounded by her own exhaustion.
A hand was holding her own. Of course it was – Charles. He was not going to leave her then and she was so glad of it.
She needed him.
Knowing her voice was going to be of no good to her at all right then she squeezed his hand in order to let him know she was back in the land of the living and very much with him.
"She's coming round," he murmured softly to someone and she felt the direction of his hand shift.
So he had come closer to the bed.
Her eyes opened and his face was the first she saw.
"Hello love – don't try and speak. I am here – me and the – the kids." He said with a smile which seemed to suggest in one way or another something was up.
Her heart beat rose. Had something happened to one of the kids when she had been under? Please no…
"Shhh my love it is nothing bad," he calmed her. She almost forgot she was wired up to a machine which was going to tell him just what her heart was doing…
"They are fine – all of them are just fine," he answered her unasked question.
She looked about to try and find the lie which he was using to comfort her but she could not find it. However she did find the two of them were not on their own.
For a moment they just looked at each other and Charles wondered if he had done the wrong thing by letting their daughter come in here.
Was it going to be too much for her mother?
Elsie was rather blank for a while before she reached for her oxygen mask.
"You don't have to say anything." Bernadette shock her head as tears welled in her eyes.
She did not want her to strain herself on her account.
But she would not stop. In the end her husband assisted her.
For a moment after he held it off her face, she was silent and it felt to all three of them as if the moment lasted a lifetime.
For as long as they had been apart in fact.
"Elsie - do you know who this is?"
She nodded. "My wee lamb."
Bernadette felt a lump appear in her throat and reached out to put her hands over the two which her parents were holding.
It was her turn to nod. "I am here Elsie. I am here."
Her mother's face cleared and an indescribable sense of peace came over her…
"Love you, my darling. You don't need to say it back. You just need to know the truth of it…"
And with that she shut her eyes and went back to a deep sleep leaving father and daughter alone once more, their hearts filled with something they could not describe if they tried.
Please review!
Sorry the chapters are a little slower at the moment guys - the next couple of months are just jam packed with lots of lovely stuff, but I am a bit of a busy bee at the moment! That said, the chapters will keep coming! Even if I am gone a little longer than normal, I am determined to finish this as I have loved writing this story and you guys are so lovely and supportive - thank you so, so much!
A one word spoiler for chapter 17? Turnadette!