Prompt Two: Itachi loses his Stoicism
If there was anything Itachi Uchiha prided himself on, it was his stoicism. His ability to conceal his emotions. His ability to remain calm no matter how dire the circumstances. This fanatical stoicism was what allowed him to murder much of his clan without batting an eye; his stoic mask did slip when he confronted his parents, but it was not enough to prevent their deaths. This fanatical stoicism was chiefly the reason he was considered a "true" shinobi, one that was able to "kill his heart".
After becoming a Missing-nin and joining the notorious Akatsuki, Itachi kept an even tighter lid on his emotions, if that were at all possible. Regardless, his stoicism was enough to fool most of the Akatsuki members, up to and including the figurehead leader who possessed the Rinnegan.
There was one person in Akatsuki who knew Itachi's true motivations and feelings – the true leader of Akatsuki – but he and Itachi were pretty much on equal footing. If 'Madara' ever did anything to harm Sasuke or the Hidden Leaf, the supposed ancient Uchiha was well aware that Itachi could kick up enough of a storm to throw all of his machinations into disarray. Itachi's stoicism and overall continued existence were the only things keeping it a stalemate between the two. And Itachi had absolutely no intention of losing his stoicism.
Ever.
Except for when he finally did. Then things went topsy-turvy and all kinds of curvy – but we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves.
What most people did not know (and Itachi enjoyed in never telling) is that one major reason he was so stoic all the time was his obsession with drinking tea. Itachi generally did not have a 'favorite' tea, but he did enjoy fresh brewed herbal tea from within the Hidden Leaf… And that, in the end, was his "downfall".
… That and letting Kisame fetch their drinks when they stopped at that café shortly after infiltrating the village for the "official" reason of trying to acquire the Nine-Tails. Unofficially, they were just there to scare the shit out of Danzo and keep him in check. Kisame just didn't know that.
At any rate, it all began when Kisame went to fetch their drinks. Never one for drinking a sissy drink like tea, Kisame tended to get sake instead from whatever restaurant was nearby. What made this trip different was that a relatively new beverage was being obnoxiously advertised at the café Itachi had them stop at. Something called an "espresso"… whatever that was. Cashier guy remarked that it worked wonders, though; just a few sips and anybody would feel wide awake. Having travelled nonstop to the Hidden Leaf because Itachi stubbornly insisted "time was of the essence", Kisame was feeling a bit haggard… though he didn't really show it, because Kisame Hoshigaki was a man.
No matter how much he looked like a shark.
Problem was, Kisame was allowed some experimental sips before returning to Itachi. Since it was a new beverage, the manager wanted Kisame's complete and honest opinion about its taste and quality. Well, truth to tell, Kisame was not impressed with just a few shots of espresso. It was a step up from tea to be sure, but it was missing something… that punch that Kisame had been expecting when he heard the drink described. Never a quitter, the manager ordered the experimental espresso to be given several more shots… Approximately fourteen shots. When Kisame tried fourteen shots of espresso, that was when he was well and truly impressed. Almost immediately he began to tap his foot, and the vestiges of sleepiness dissipated into nothingness. Kisame was one satisfied customer, so he ordered two of those, completely forgetting in his over-caffeinated state that Itachi wanted herbal tea… simple herbal tea.
When he returned to the table that Itachi was saving for the two of them, Kisame abruptly remembered (quite sadly) that he would not be having both of those cups, as Itachi was there with him. He made a mental note to go get a third cup and absentmindedly handed Itachi an espresso.
Now, unlike his partner who was not all-together there now, Itachi knew right away something was amiss when Kisame handed him his drink. Whatever was in that porcelain cup, it smelled way too strongly to be herbal tea. He immediately brought this to Kisame's attention, but his blue-skinned comrade seemed to be lost in his own little world as he "idly" sipped his own espresso and muttered incoherently to himself.
"I mean, did we really have to rush all the way here? Nine is supposed to come last, and we're not all that ready yet to hunt down… Do my fingers look blue to you? That's weird… never noticed that before… Y'know ya got lines on your face 'Tachi? Three of 'em, two under your eyes and one where you mouth is… oh wait, that is your mouth… Do you think we'll get the Eight-Tailed Octopus after this? Y'know that sharks eat octopi, right? Or was it the other way around? Hmm…"
Itachi stared blankly at the shark-man, getting the vague sense he did not want to know what made the man ramble incoherently so. He looked down at his cup of… whatever the heck it was – certainly not herbal tea – and then back up at Kisame. And then back down at the mystery beverage. Every instinct Itachi had screamed at him to just throw the drink away, but he had been taught it was impolite to waste a paid meal.
Just one sip, to test the waters so to speak. Then he'd get that herbal tea.
"Kakashi… wasn't that Itachi just now? With some blue guy?" Asuma asked uncertainly as they and Kurenai and Guy stared at the quickly receding cloud of dust. Kakashi seemed to have a thousand yard stare about him, having pulled up his hitaite to reveal his Sharingan for what was sure to be a possible losing battle.
"I… I don't know, Asuma…"
Guy struck Good Guy Pose #11… which was his Thinking Pose.
"He did seem much more YOUTHFUL! Did he not?"
"Guy, he screamed, 'It's the Fuzz!' and bolted. Didn't even use a Shunshin. How is that 'youthful' or whatever?" Kurenai muttered beside him.
"His Speed was Most Youthful, Kurenai, you must admit! I think only I could keep up with him." Guy flashed Good Guy Grin #7 at her.
"So why didn't you?" Asuma asked, tone tinted with disbelief.
"Because not too many people just run when they attempt to flee! Most are satisfied with a Shunshin! It was Most Youthful, and I did not wish to Diminish his Newfound Flames of YOUTH!"
Kurenai massaged her temples in exasperation, and Asuma sighed, muttering, "Of course…" under his breath. Kakashi, well… Kakashi was trying to comprehend cool as a cucumber Itachi Uchiha holding a public humiliation of Elder Danzo Shimura like the man was a circus act. Apparently, announcing every unethical, unsanctioned act of the no-longer-secret Root faction of Anbu – in reverse alphabetical order – will not only allow this to happen, but will result in said Elder being held in a Water Prison Jutsu while the civilians throw rotten fruit and potatoes at him.
The man could have used Izanagi… and he did, to be honest. Five times before he learned that an overly caffeinated Itachi Uchiha can be quite tenacious in recapturing him until "his lesson was learned". The only reason Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and Guy were sent out to deal with Itachi was because the other two Elders were scared shitless by Itachi's quite abnormal behavior and would not go near the young Uchiha with a thousand-yard pole. As Naruto and Jiraiya were out fetching Tsunade, the Elders were supposed to be the law in the village… and they were sure doing a crappy job of it. But who could blame them? Itachi's spontaneous return was bizarre enough, but the fact he was solely in town to deal with a corrupt Village Elder…?
Well, let's just say Kakashi understood perfectly why the Elders weren't going to deal with this. Hell, Kakashi was going to binge drink this… 'delightful experience' away. And then, he would (drunkenly) profusely apologize to Sasuke for never truly understanding his pain. Why, if he had a deranged, psychotic older brother like Itachi, Kakashi felt he would go mad himself…
Ironically, this would lead Sasuke to inevitably reject the offer to go to Orochimaru with the Sound Four. Largely because Sasuke never went after Itachi because he refused to believe Itachi had sunk to that depth of insanity. As a result, he never got mind-fucked again for boorishly charging at Itachi. He passed off the rumored Itachi sighting as propaganda passed by… whoever the hell wanted him to hear that bullshit. Seriously, what kind of idiot did they take him for? The Itachi Sasuke knew would never return to deal with an Uchiha conspiracy theorist that ordered the annihilation of the Uchiha Clan…
… Wait a minute…
"Kisame. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"That the purple-headed snake bitch that was chasing us looked kinky?"
"Well, yes, that too… But I was thinking of something… something else…"
"Uh… We got distracted from Akatsuki's objective?"
"No, no… Danzo had that coming… That took precedence. We didn't go far enough with his humiliation… No, that was not what I was thinking…"
"Snake tastes like chicken, so we should hunt Orochimaru down?"
"… Nah, too predictable."
"Hmm… We should ransack and plunder the Hidden Leaf?"
"I'm supposed to be kinda loyal to that place, so… Nah…"
"You are? Weird, I thought you defected, like me… Hmm… What if we play matchmaker with everybody? Or create an m-preg Jutsu?"
"Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet! The fangirls can hear us!"
"I hate those things… Always come up with the weirdest fantasies… How about… How about we systematically hunt down the other Akatsuki members and save the world?"
"But how would we go about doing that…? Like, half our organization is immortal…"
"'Kill it with fire' comes to mind, don't it?"
"Ah, yes… Amaterasu cooks things quite lovely. That could work. Why do you bring this up?"
"Well… when sharks are born, sometimes they eat each other so that only the strongest survive… or something… and I say shinobi are like sharks!"
"But we were born long ago."
"Yeah, but… but… Look, I got nothin', 'kay? Let's just hunt these guys, 'kay?"
"'Kay."
In a forest clearing, two pairs of men stood across from one another, and only one out of the four was keenly aware of the Killing Intent radiating from the rival pair…
"Itachi? Kisame? What the hell…" Kakuzu began, but was promptly cut off when his hearts were set on fire… literally. All five of them.
"Amaterasu!" Itachi hissed, and a drop of blood trailed down his cheek. Hidan's eyes bugged out as his partner 'randomly' crumpled to the ground and died. He snarled at the uncalled-for attack.
"What the fuck! I've been trying to kill Kakuzu for weeks now! How'd you do that…!"
"Sorry, Hidan!" Kisame yelled and heavily swung Samehada at Hidan and lobbed off his head. From there, Itachi did a repeat performance with Amaterasu, but this time on Hidan's body.
"Infidels! Jashin will have your heads for this! And you should know I can't die, fuckers!"
Itachi did not seem concerned about that.
"Hmm. Immortal body meets flames that won't die until the thing it's burning is destroyed… I suppose we will finally find out which is superior – the unstoppable force or the immoveable object."
Hidan twitched from his head's position on the ground.
"That makes no fucking sense!"
"It does to me, Hidan, it does to me… And that is all that matters."
"You… You killed Sasori no danna!" Deidara pointed accusingly at Itachi, who actually seemed dumbfounded for once.
"So... So fast… Was he made of wood?"
"Uh… Yeah! Sasori no danna was a puppet, you fucking idiot! Hm!"
"That would explain why Amaterasu ate through him like a child savagely devours a sweet chocolate morsel…" Itachi mused aloud. Deidara looked ready to pull out his hair in frustration; did Itachi not understand the consequences of what would happen now?! Sure, Itachi would probably take the heat for killing off Sasori no danna, but he would probably be getting some too for "allowing it to happen".
How the hell was he supposed to beat the guy who bullied him into Akatsuki… without killing him… when he wasn't in his right state of mind…?!
"Don't worry, Deidara, you will soon join him…" Itachi 'assured' the mad bomber, turning on his Mangekyo again.
That's it. That's all Deidara could take. He was done!
"Come any closer or try anything, and I will explode you! Un! I am a living bomb!" Deidara raged, grinning maniacally as he prepared to "detonate" himself.
Itachi did not seem worried.
"… Amaterasu." Itachi smiled fondly as he watched Deidara screaming in agony, being eaten alive by the incessant black flames. Silly Deidara… his C0 or whatever took a good minute or two to set up. Amaterasu would take seconds to kill him.
Life was good.
"Itachi… I hope you know why I am here…" An ominous voice thundered in front of the young Uchiha… who happened to be cozily sitting on the throne in that one random Uchiha hideout thing. Yeah. He was badass.
"I take it it's not to make me Employee of the Month?" Itachi mused, unintimidated by a pair of ringed eyes narrowing into slits at him. Well, okay… Six pairs of ringed eyes.
"No…"
"Well, shoot. I was kinda hoping you'd be unbiased enough to make that decision, now that it's just down to the two of us. C'mon, boss, you're not a selfish guy…"
"Itachi… you killed everyone..."
"Well that award sure as hell wasn't going to go to Kisame. He just wasn't himself anymore, y'know? And I had to take out Konan 'cause it's not fair for her to be in the running when she's from your village and she's, like, your girlfriend…"
… Why did Pain feel a migraine coming on?
"Itachi. What the hell. You massacred Akatsuki!"
"You'd think that you guys would've considered that part of my application when I joined… I mean, I massacred the Uchiha Clan… with a little of Madara's help, I guess… But still."
"Itachi…" Pain's Killing Intent spiked. Tenfold.
"Oh, yeah. I took care of that weed problem we had, too! Dunno why you considered Zetsu a member when he was kinda manipulating you all just so that he could resurrect his mother. What a mama's boy."
"I… what?" Pain was well and truly lost now.
"Yeah, Madara kinda dropped off the grid after that happened… So now it's just you and me. And, y'know, the husk of the Ten-Tails or whatever, but that's not really a person now is it?"
"Itachi… What made you like this? Why are you acting like this?"
"A truly magical drink, Sir Leader. One that you won't ever partake of, if you don't name me Employee of the Month this instant…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"… Almighty…"
"Amaterasu!" Itachi smiled benignly as the Chakra Receivers that were reanimating the Six Paths of Pain burned to ashes. Said burning took a matter of seconds, and once it was done, the bodies fell to the ground, well, lifelessly. With that, the diabolical organization of Akatsuki was put to an end. … Except for the fact that Nagato's real body was still out there, freaking out that his connection with his Six Paths was ended so effortlessly, and then there was Madara of course… But still, what could they do on their own? They literally had no puppets left, so the Tailed Beasts wouldn't be collected for a long, long time.
Everything was right with the world. … Except the overuse of Amaterasu caused Itachi to be blind as a bat, but hey, 'Kill it with Fire' is a valid solution to all life's problems. Giant spider? Kill it with Fire. A fangirl looks at you funny? Kill it with Fire. An insane organization hell bent on ruling the world through intimidation and an endless cycle of fear and hatred? … You get the idea.
Far, far away in a dimension of prisms, a man once known as Obito Uchiha was in the fetal position as he realized that all of his machinations had literally gone up in flames. He would never reach that Dream World with Rin because Itachi Uchiha had finally snapped for whatever bizarre reason. There was simply no way for him to salvage this; if he made any attempt at all, Itachi had made it quite clear what would happen. As much as Obito detested the world they lived in, he liked living. He needed to stay alive long enough to have Madara resurrected and pass the buck onto him, because Obito was done trying to remain on equal footing with Itachi.
Itachi had once and for all shattered the stalemate they had been in for the longest time (okay, give or take five years). The Hidden Leaf was made aware of the truth behind the Uchiha Massacre, and Akatsuki was terminated. There would be no coming back from this…
Author's Note: Eh, I couldn't really find a good way to end this one… Itachi plus (strong) espresso equals OP, but I guess that's what happens when a strategist like Itachi gets really wired. XD Keep in mind that these will be separate one-shots, so there's no connections between them whatsoever. No hippy Sasuke here, and no caffeinated Itachi in the previous chapter… :P
Again, these are for fun, so no regrets here. Unless I get suggestions for other characters, I'll probably be attempting a kick-ass (Part One) Sakura next, simply because the scenario I've envisioned amuses me. From there, who knows. XD