Updated with three days to go until I hit another month without doing so - where did the last four weeks go?
Chapter 18
The day seemed to arrive slowly for Elsie when she awoke at four o'clock in the morning after her operation.
So this day she nearer to being cancer free and her eldest daughter in the village. It was quite a thought.
She shut her eyes. She had dreamt of the day she was going to get to see her beloved Shelagh again and the one thing that had never change no matter the fantasy was that she was never in a hospital bed when it happened.
But there was no way she was going to be able to go back and change it now.
Shelagh was home.
And it looked as if she was a beautiful woman who had been brought up beautifully and safely.
That was all Elsie had ever wanted and so at the end of the day she was not sure if she was so worried about what happened to herself any more. If she did not manage to win the fight she was fighting right then she knew she was going to be able to go and met her maker in peace if that was what was going to happen. Because her daughter was ok.
And that filled her with a further peace she had not thought she was going to be feel.
She was glad about the way her bed had been set up towards the window as it meant she was able to watch the sun come up, because she felt for the first time in twenty eight years it really had.
X x x
Going to the Carson's house was an odd experience for Bernadette Newgarden.
Before she had so much as got the front door she was well aware that if her life had been very different then this was the house in which she would have grown up.
How would her life have been different?
For one thing she would not know London half as well as she did right then. She would have a completely different set of friends. Who knows? She might not have even been a midwife. She would not be the 'her' she was right then when it came down to it and that made it a lot easier for her to accept they had done the right thing.
She knocked on the door.
It was ten o'clock and she hoped that was not too early for the Carson's.
In spite of the fact she had had a long day the day before when she had woke up that day she had been awake and that was that.
Bernadette had known she was not going to be able to get back to sleep. For a while, she had tried to read the book which she had brought with her from London by the hazy morning light. The idea had been that she was going to have something to read on the train but of course she had had too much going through her mind in that moment to do so.
And it did not take her long to work out she was not going to have any more luck that morning than she had when she had been travelling to Yorkshire.
So she had got up and she had gone for a walk and that had been just what she had needed – it hadn't taken her long to work that out.
Even though she had been raised in a city she found there was a quiet peace to the country side that was able to calm her.
She was able to remember when she had been young her mother and father taking her to the country side. It had had the same effect on Charles as it had on her. After the stresses of his job, he always seemed a lot more relaxed after they had had a bit of time in an open, green space and she always remembered how eager her mother had been there for them to go – she thought likely for that very reason.
And even now it made her feel closer to the man who had brought her up.
But it had not taken her long to work out it was not really out in the fields which she needed to be that day. She needed to be with those she had come up here to be with and see.
On the way to the house, she had found she was asking herself if this was the right thing to do or not…
Maybe she should wait until Elsie was home or she should wait to be asked but they had all said if she had needed anything while she was in Downton all she had to do was go and see them and they were going to help her out.
And if there was one thing she did need it was a lift to see Elsie. And if she was after that, there really was only one logic place to come….
Anna was the one who answered the door.
From the day before to that one Bernadette was able to see there was a real change in her sister.
She looked as if she had had a sleep and was the freshest she had seen her over the last weeks, with bright eyes.
"Morning you!" she said as she stepped back and let her go in to the house.
Bernadette took a quick note of what she was seeing – the wide, spacious hall way which welcomed her into the family's home as well as the rather grand stair case she knew would lead her up to the bedrooms.
"How are you doing?"
"I am better than I was," said Anna and Bernadette knew that was as close as an omission of exhaustion which she was ever going to get for the day before.
"What about you?"
"Yeah I am pretty good – I left my mother sleeping – I think she was worn out."
It was no surprise after they had had to make their dash to Yorkshire.
"What about Charles?"
"Why don't you come on down to the kitchen and ask him. We're just going to have a bit of breakfast before we go up and see mum, you are welcome to join us."
That was an offer she was unable to resist.
On the way down to the kitchen she could not seem to stop herself from looking around. A crazy voice in her head said this felt like an invasion of the privacy of the family but the other said she had been invited in.
The moment her heart constricted was when she saw a photo of her mother and father clearly on their wedding day and the strange thought that they had had her already then crossed her mind.
And with that Anna lead her to the kitchen, which was filled with the scent of freshly cooked bacon and eggs. "Do you want a cup of tea?" asked Charles to his younger daughter, unaware his elder was there.
"Look who I found on the door step," said Anna with a smile as she stepped down in to the kitchen.
There was practically the same crowd there as had been in the family room when Bernie had met them the day before but that morning they all seemed a bit more relaxed.
Thomas and William were still in their pyjamas though John and Edward had seen fit to get dressed before they had come down for breakfast – probably because the two of them were not in their own homes and as he had guests her father had down the same.
But maybe that was what he just did any way, dressed before coming down to breakfast. They all had a lot to learn about each other… she was greeted warmly that day though there was still a hint of reserve. They would all have to go a long way to truly know each other.
"I hope you do not mind me popping in. I just wondered what time you were going into see Elsie."
She was not ready to head up there on her own and it was not all about her mother – now she had found this family of here, she did want to get to know all of them a bit better.
"In about an hour, the first lot of us will go. We are all going up after a fry up –" said William. He was half way through the cooking and smiling broadly at her. "Can I do you a sarnie?"
She was about to say no out of politeness when she felt her stomach rumble. The truth was she had had nothing before she had left the pub that morning and breakfast was well over due.
"Can I have egg sanwich?"
"Sit down."
"I'll brew up," Anna said as Charles smiled at her.
"Did you get much rest?" he asked still relishing the fact he had all four of the children he and Elsie had created in the same room. It was a gift to him.
"I did not think I was going to but I think I was out before my head hit the pillow. How about you?"
"I did." He nodded.
"Good."
"Let's hope mum did the same," said Thomas from where he said with Edward, the two of them nursing coffees as they had been the night before.
He too had slept well and if he had been awake during the night then he did not think he had minded. He had been able to hear from his best friend's heavy breathing, he was not on his own and he had not felt as if he was on his own either – that was quite a different thing and meant he had woken well rested.
"Well, when I phoned the hospital they had said she had had a decent night, so here's hoping!" said Anna over the sound of the kettle boiling.
"I was thinking maybe we should go in in shifts today – even if she did have a good night, I do not want us to over tire your mother," said Charles and the kids nodded.
That sounded like a bit of a plan.
"I can go tonight if it's easiest," said Thomas.
He had a feeling whether they wanted him to or not, Edward was going to have to head home that day (though not for long). They could have the day together before he went to see his mother and it was clear Bernadette was desperate to go.
That was why she had come up here for breakfast and it made her more endearing to him he had to say.
The last thing he had wanted when she had walked in the day before was for her to come and cause trouble for his mother and father and he was beginning to think that was truly the last thing he wanted to do.
"Why don't William and Bernadette go first, John and me second and then Thomas can go up tonight?" asked Anna. It went without saying that her father was going to be there for most of the day so she did not even mention him. He was going to do what he was going to do regardless of the rest of them.
"I do not want to stop any one –" Bernadette begun but then held her tongue.
She did not think any of them were going to not see their mother for her for it did seem as if the one thing the four of them had in common was strong personalities.
Thomas seemed to appreciate the fact she had stopped talking before she had got to the end of that sentence and smile at her.
"Believe me, you wouldn't – and couldn't," he said with a wink and with that gentle comment he and his friend went back upstairs where they were going to be able to have a bit of time to prepare for their own day.
Bernadette nodded in understanding.
Meanwhile Charles had begun to watch Anna. Clearly she had wanted to leave him free to talk to her sister, but she was able to set up Bernadette's cup for a brew without asking how she would take it. either she had made her one already or they had spoken about it when they met.
He couldn't.
"How do you like your tea She – Bernadette?"
If he was going to be any kind of dad to her he had to know that small bit of information about her.
If she thought it was odd he was asking when he was not the one making the tea she gave no indication of that.
"Milk – no sugar."
X x x
On the way to the hospital Bernadette rode with William as that was clearly what her younger brother wanted and she was yet to spend any real time with him. Charles drove himself – due to the length of time he was going to be there, he wanted to be able to get himself home and not rely on lifts, even though all the kids had offered.
She had a feeling it was going to take her a bit of time to get to know Thomas but it was obviously not going to be that way with her younger brother for he had a natural openness which she could not help but find so endearing.
He was kind and interested in her life as well as wanting to tell her about his own.
"It must be lovely to work with horses all day!" she said as she looked at him.
As she had been raised in the city she had not had a lot of chance to work with animals or have much contact with them at all.
She had had a rabbit when she was young but that hadn't last long until he had had to go and join the great rabbit hutch in the sky.
"It is – I don't think it was what mum and dad wanted me to do to begin with –"
"What did they want you to do?"
"Well, I think mum wanted me to go in to something which was going to be a bit better paid and dad thinks there is nowhere better in the world to work than the Abbey – and I do work there…"
"But he was thinking more visitor services?"
"I think it was me who put the stables on his radar – they weren't there before."
She smiled.
"Did you always like to ride?"
"Yeah I have – ever since I was a kid. It helps me think. I remember… remember thinking about you a lot when I was there."
He had never criticized his parents for their choice in the way he felt Anna had but he had always wondered.
"I thought about you as well – well, Charles and Elsie which is nearly the same thing. I wondered if they had had any more kids – "
"And now you know they did. Does it help? To know what happened to them in the long run."
"I didn't think it would —I did not think I struggled with wanting know what became of them as other adopted kids do. But now I know different."
She had not struggled or longed them but there was no use in lying about the fact now she knew where she had come from she felt differently.
The two of them shared a small smile.
"What about your job?"
"Being a midwife? What can I say? I do not think I would change it for the world. When you leave that hospital at the end of the day – or the start - knowing you've brought a new life in to the world there is no better feeling in the world. Mum inspired me – my mum." She needlessly made it clear she was referring to Julienne.
"So you wouldn't change things? Go back if you could?" William asked quietly, not sure if he should be asking at all.
She would be a liar if she had said she had never asked herself that question.
But she had always come up with the same answer at the end of it.
"No – I wouldn't have missed out on the way the two of them brought me up for all the world." She said with a smile.
William had thought if he heard those words then they were going to hurt him some way as if they were a slight on himself and his family. But the reality was so much different to the theory – that was what he was learning with all this going on.
He was glad for his sister – glad that she had been able to get on with her life and not look back in anger at their parents in ager for what they had done a long time ago.
It was going to make everything easier for them all to find their way to the other side now he thought as the two of them arrived at the hospital.
Not for the first time that day Bernadette had to admit her nerves to herself.
She wondered if it was wrong for her to think the day before had been easier because no matter what, she had known her mother and herself were not going to be able to talk too much.
Either way she had a feeling that that day was going to be different.
And she was ready for that, a small voice in her head said.
She only hoped she was right.
"Thank you for the lift," she said as she gave her younger brother a smile.
"Any time – sis."
x x x
As soon as they had got to the hospital, William went on a hot drinks run. Let alone their mother – the only way they were going to survive this was as if they had a plentiful supply of tea he had joked, and had run off to buy four cups in the hospital café, leaving his sister and father to go ahead to his mother.
"I do hope the hospital were right and she had a good night's sleep," said Charles as they made their way down to her ward.
"I am sure if they said she did then she did," Bernadette said to him kindly.
She had a feeling he was somewhat of a worrier.
He nodded at her kindness.
And the two of them walked along in silence.
Bernadette wondered to herself why it was not uncomfortable. There was something in her which said she should be desperate to fill every silence between them but she just wasn't. Maybe that was down to her own temperament – or his.
But he was a quiet soul to be comfortable with and she could be comfortable with him.
She felt a sudden chill go through her as she remembered that was the way she had felt when she had had her father and maybe – maybe, already – that was why she felt that way about Charles.
Because he was there – she had a dad and that meant nothing bad was going to happen to her.
She smiled, said a pray for her father in heaven and realised they were outside Elsie's room.
All the nerves which she had felt when they were back at the house and in the car came rushing back to her in that moment, but Charles was there by her side. And if Elsie's reaction to her the day before had taught her anything it was that she was not sad she was there. Unless that really was the drugs talking, she tried to tease herself to stay calm.
But either way there was only one way to find out. She opened the door.
x x x
Elsie looked at Bernadette as she came in to the room. So she was right. She had come to her.
Part her thought – wondered - if it had all been a wonderful dream.
But it was not and now her child was before her.
"How are you feeling today?" her daughter asked, as her husband came to her side and kissed for her forehead.
"Hello love."
It was a nice, inoffensive way to begin thought Bernadette as this was truly their first meeting. The last thing she wanted to do was to put her on her guard or anything. She may have been there the day before but Elsie had been fairly out of it – still, she had known her and that gave her comfort.
Elsie wished she could find the words and that she was more eloquent. If she was able to then all of this was going to be a lot easier for her.
And she was normally the one in their family who was good with words. It was her dear Charles who got tongue tied but not that day it seemed.
"You know it is so silly – I have a thousand things I want to say to you but now I can't think of a single one."
Maybe she should have begun by answering the question she had been asked but after so long a period away from one another it was so inadequate. And Elsie wasn't particularly bothered about how she was doing. What mattered to her was how Shelagh was.
And the last thing she wanted her daughter to think was that she took any of this lightly – that she had taken her decision when she had made it lightly for she had not.
Bernadette recognised all of this in an instant.
Maybe it was that she worked with people on a day to day basis - often in a hospital, where there was high tension and at times emotion. But she was able to see how hard Elsie was trying and she was the last person in the world who was going to knock her for that.
Instead she went to her side and took her hand in her own. The day before they had had that physical contact and it had felt important – just as important as it was right then. She was there and her mother had to know it.
Elsie's hand was cool, but not cold and the skin was soft.
"I do not think you have to say anything," she said.
One day she had no doubt words were going to be needed between them but not yet. It was too early for that and she did not want her to tire herself.
"But I do not want you to go without understanding." she felt her chest constrict a little. She hadn't quite meant to phrase it like that… She just wanted Bernadette to know a lot more than she did right then when she did go back to London.
But this wasn't about what she wanted.
As long as she would understand the decision to give her up had not been easy or been because through lack of love…. that was what mattered.
Seeing the desperation in her eyes, Bernadette squeezed her hands.
"And I have had a talk with Charles and I think I do understand."
As silly as he thought it was Charles winced as he heard her call him by his name. Foolish for she had had a dad who had brought her up and loved her as his own so of course she was going to refer to him dad. They had only just met.
Elsie turned to Charles with pride. The fact he had got to through to their daughter – and handled it well was more than enough. That took the sting off. She felt flooded by relief.
"I am sorry we have had to meet like this – it can't be the way you wanted it," Bernadette sighed, acknowledging her mother's illness for just a moment. It seemed so secondary right then. To both of them. "I know this has to be a - well, as odd of a situation for you as it is for you. Do you want me to go?"
"No!" Elsie had known she had chosen her words wrongly when she had spoken before. She had not meant to speak or her going so soon. "That is the last thing I want!"
She did not think she could bare it if she had to lose her all over again.
"Well good - because I don't want to go." she said with a smile, settling in to the chair by her side.
Elsie nodded, glad. She wondered where to start.
She knew nothing of this daughter of hers.
She reached her hand up and cupped her face, caressing her cheek for just a moment before the thirst for knowledge over took her.
"What's your favourite colour?"
"Blue."
"What's your favourite dinner?"
"Fish pie."
"What was your favourite subject at school?"
"English."
"What's the name of your best friend?"
"Julienne."
"Where did you holiday as a child?"
"Devon."
Mother, father and daughter were all laughing at Elsie's and Bernadette's quick fire round asher brother came in to the room.
It was clear as William popped his head round the door he was a little apprehensive as he did not know what he was walking in on but none of that mattered when he saw the face of his mother.
What mattered was she was alright.
"Can I come in?"
Bernadette and Charles nodded and he went straight to the bed where his mother was waiting for him to hug her.
"Hi mum, how are you doing?"
"Better for seeing all of you."
As mother and son embraced one another, Charles met his daughter's eyes. They were still on the very brink of their relationship, but Bernadette knew in her heart there was going to be some good which came of all this, of her dash up to Yorkshire. It already had.
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