9. Burnout

(Sonya POV)

Monday was busy as usual with classes every period, and I was grateful that the time seemed to pass quickly. After the lunchbreak, when my students had settled down to complete a pop quiz, I finally had a chance to glance over at the back of the room but Guardian Tanner wasn't on duty in my class tonight. Thank goodness.

Of all the people to walk in on my private meltdown earlier this evening it had to be him – the one person on campus I didn't want thinking I was crazy. And then I had to go and tell him I'd had an argument with a rosebush? He must have seen straight through my pathetic lie. So now he probably thought I was crazy and a liar. It wasn't fair.

Even though I'd only really known Mikhail for a month or so I was already beginning to trust him, which was extremely out of character for me. He was strangely gentle for a big man; apart from the way he physically tended to my wounds, he had a way of listening like he really wanted to understand me, he seemed to realise that I had certain boundaries and wasn't scared away by that, and I think he genuinely cared that I was okay. A part of me longed to confide in him – to tell him the truth about what had happened, but I'd kept my secret for so long it was just too hard to let go.

The truth was – my magic had made me a little crazy. From the very first time I'd healed myself in the forest there was always a negative payoff that followed; a dark state of mind I privately referred to as 'burnout'. Once I realised there was a destructive pattern I tried to limit my magic use to lessen the symptoms but, for one reason or another, there were times when the magic just wanted to get out and I had to brace myself for the fallout.

Today was the perfect example...

After the incident in the chapel on Sunday evening I made it home without further incident and spent the rest of the night watching movies in my apartment until I fell asleep. But somehow the darkness made its way into my dreams, waking me up at some God-forsaken hour, and I was unable to get back to sleep. Rather than toss and turn in bed, I decided to get out and stretch my legs. I knew that being in the sunlight when I was already feeling weak wasn't a great idea but my room was making me claustrophobic so I donned a pair of dark sunglasses and draped a long scarf over my hair, wrapping it around my neck and shoulders before making my way downstairs and stepping out into the sunshine.

I'd been walking for a while and was starting to feel a little better when I heard a strange scuffling noise accompanied by a string of whispered curses coming from the novice dormitory ahead of me. As I rounded the corner, I came upon a girl dangling half-way between the first and second floors, scrabbling at the rough, stone wall with her fingernails before she finally admitted defeat and let go.

Considering it was the middle of the day and everybody was supposed to be in bed, it was highly unlikely this was an unfortunate accident. And considering that the student was Rosemarie Hathaway, a notorious trouble-maker since she started at St. Vladimir's in kindergarten, it was highly likely that this poorly executed break-out was going to end in an activity that was strictly against school rules.

I watched as the teenager fell swiftly to the ground, landing on the flat of her back with a muffled oof as all of the air in her lungs was expelled in one painful breath. She was clearly winded, and lay very still as she tried to recover her breath. From what I'd seen, Rose had recovered from far worse than this, and I considered leaving her to her own devices but a strange maternal feeling came over me and I decided to offer my assistance.

'Bad form, Rosemarie. You should be more careful. Your instructors would be disappointed,' I scolded lightly, raising an eyebrow as I looked down at her through the tangle of dark hair that covered her face.

Using the moment of surprise, I quickly checked her over for serious injuries. Apart from being winded she seemed okay – no obviously broken bones at any rate. I reached down to help her up then tutted as I noticed her hands. Both palms were severely grazed, with bits of stone and dirt still embedded in the wounds. There was also one deeper cut where the skin had torn down to the muscle, which would certainly need stitches, and by the awkward way she rose to her feet I think she may have sprained her ankle.

We eyed one another for a moment and I'm sure she was waiting for me to rip into her for breaking curfew or escort her to the medical centre (which would ultimately mean a trip to Headmistress Kirova's office for punishment), but I hesitated. There was something about this girl that appealed to me. She possessed a brave, brazen side that I could only dream of having, and I had no intention of crushing her spirit like so many other teachers at The Academy seemed bent on doing.

A part of her rebelliousness must have rubbed off on me because I was taken by a sudden impulse to cover for her – this was one of the times when using my magic was worth the risk. I tightened my grip on her hands and frowned in concentration before I felt my power go into her, and she looked up at me in confusion as the healing magic surged through her body.

'What… what did you do?' she asked, looking from her open hands back to me with a horrified expression on her face.

'Go back to your dorm, Rose,' I replied, hoping I hadn't caused more harm than good. Already the dark shadows were beginning to form in the sides of my vision and I knew the burnout would be rough this time around. 'There are bad things out here. You never know what's following you,' I warned her, trying to calm my own panic as the shadows moved closer, taking solid, human forms that beckoned to me. It might have been my imagination, but I thought I saw a figure watching us from behind the chapel before it slunk off towards the building assigned to royal moroi students.

'But…' the girl interrupted me.

I had to get out of there. 'I won't tell on you if you don't tell on me,' I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile and headed off as quickly as I dared back to my apartment.

By the time I arrived home the distressing images were closing in on me and I passed out on the couch, only waking when my alarm went off for school. I threw on some clothes and made my way to my classroom, hoping I'd feel better by the time my students arrived, but no matter what I tried I couldn't escape the darkness. As soon as I sank into my chair the shadow creatures had surrounded me, and I desperately tried to claw them away from my face, blocking out the haunting voices that pleaded for me to join them in the abyss…

Then the guardian had come to my rescue.

After years of struggling with my demons, Mikhail Tanner had somehow reached down into the swirling darkness and pulled me back. I couldn't understand how he'd done it, but when the clouds finally parted and I found myself safe with him in that supply room, something new caught my attention.

While he was focused on his task I observed him closely, feeling his fingers lightly brush against my hair as he carefully applied clear plasters to my temples. His expression was drawn in concentration but he couldn't mask the concern in his clear, blue eyes, and my breathing quickened as I noticed his aura. The strange gold flecks pulsed brightly and his usual stormy blue was tinged with indigo, a colour I would normally only associate with someone in love.

Thinking about it now, it seemed so unlikely that a strong, attractive, normal man would have feelings for a woman who was clearly unhinged. Maybe I imagined it? But even if it was just wishful thinking, nothing could change the fact that now, for the first time in a long time, my mind was clear and I actually felt… safe. And if I didn't imagine it? My heart skipped a beat as I allowed myself to consider the possibility of a future with Mikhail. Someone to share my secrets with, my burdens, fears, hopes and dreams. I ran my thumb unconsciously over my bottom lip as I thought of other things - intimate things - I might someday share with the guardian who haunted my dreams.

The sound of the school-bell cut through my fantasies and I blushed guiltily as the final class filed past me, leaving a pile of test papers on my desk for me to mark. When silence finally settled over the room I chastised myself for getting carried away with such foolish daydreams - it was pointless to imagine a future with somebody so strong and gentle when I had little to offer in return but worries and darkness. And anyway, seeing the mess I made of myself last night was probably enough to scare him off for good.

I sighed heavily and rubbed my eyes – it had been a long night but I couldn't go home until I'd worked my way through the pile of marking. After a short break to grab a coffee and snack from the kitchenette downstairs I headed back to my desk and set to work. By the time I finished it was getting quite late and the sky outside was already touched with the hazy pink of dawn. Packing up my things, I slung my handbag over my shoulder and hurried home, grateful that it was nearly curfew and most of the students were already inside their dorms.

It wasn't long before I reached my third-floor apartment, and as soon as the door closed behind me I commenced my home-time ritual. I flung off my cardigan and shoes, leaving a trail of clothes behind me as I made my way through my apartment. The school-appropriate blouse slipped over my head and flew towards a lamp in the corner of the room, while my sensible knee-length skirt fell in an ugly heap on the floor where it landed. With each piece of clothing I discarded, I threw away the worries of the day, my stresses and fears, until I was left in only my underwear, feeling lighter and unconstrained by the professional 'Miss Karp' I had to portray every day - the one they all expected to be organised and in control.

I stalked towards the wardrobe, pulling on a pair of yoga pants and a green singlet top before hurling myself onto the double bed section of my modular couch. Feeling the comfort of the soft cushions and the familiar smell of my throw-rug made me instantly relax and I rolled onto my stomach, closing my eyes as I breathed in the sweet, sharp scent of jasmine oil and sandalwood that wafted from an oil burner in the kitchen.

I could have stayed there all night except for the warning grumble in my tummy. Even vampires have to eat, I thought wryly, rolling back over to sit up. Slipping on my favourite pair of crocheted slippers, I scuffed over to the kitchen to fill the kettle and make some toast. Less than ten minutes later I was seated in my cosy armchair with a steaming drink in one hand and piece of cinnamon and banana toast waiting patiently on the coffee table next to me. I eased my feet up onto the matching ottoman and exhaled in pleasure as I leaned back against the soft fabric before picking up my well-worn copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and opening it to a random page.

I'd just taken my first sip of coffee when I heard a gentle knock at the door. Surely nobody would be visiting me at this time of day? Students weren't allowed in the teachers' apartments and none of the staff had any reason to disturb me after hours.

The knock came again, still quiet but a bit more urgent this time. I put my drink down with a sigh of resignation and made my way to the door, opening it a tiny crack and peering out.

'Guardian Tanner?' I greeted my visitor in surprise while trying not to look as flustered as I felt. 'How can I help you?'

Author's Note:

The conversation between Rose & Sonya is direct dialogue from Vampire Academy #1. Acknowledgements to Richelle Mead for this text.

I also stole the term 'burnout' from the line in the movie when Rose tells Lissa 'You're burning us out on magic'.