Prompt Five: He didn't stand a Chance
A simple misunderstanding. That's all it will take for the wheel of fate to veer off track into what we like to call the Twilight Zone.
… But no, seriously. If you trace a certain Sannin's origins, you will find that one discussion topples the first domino in a chain that will inevitably lead an innocent child to become an amoral, knowledge-obsessive man who no one can truly understand because he might actually be turning over a new leaf, or he might be planning the imminent demise of the Hidden Leaf.
Again.
But, I hear you ask, what discussion could possibly lead to all of this? … Well, it is of course the discussion between young Orochimaru and Hiruzen Sarutobi shortly after the deaths of the former's parents. Orochimaru found a rare snake skin and asked Hiruzen what it was. The Professor, as he so liked to be called, being all worldly knowledgeable and willing to share that knowledge with an impressionable mind, gave young Orochimaru his answer. And from that point on, Orochimaru kept that snake skin and dedicated his life to learning all Jutsu, and eventually the origins of Jutsu, amongst other disciplines because Orochimaru must know all.
It all began with that simple discussion. So what if, instead of being sensible, young Hiruzen Sarutobi looked a little too deep into young Orochimaru's query? Being the Professor that he so likes to be called, Hiruzen Sarutobi is all-knowing. He's the Third Hokage, damn it. He teaches his shinobi to look underneath the underneath – even if that sounds confusing – and that's precisely what he was going to do in this situation.
Because he's the Professor.
"Sarutobi-sensei, what's this?" Orochimaru held up the snake skin for his master to see.
Hiruzen stroked his mighty goatee as he observed the snake skin. Of course he recognized the thing on first glance; he had never seen one before, but it was a white snake skin – extremely rare. But the problem was, Orochimaru was a studious child. Very sharp. He likely knew exactly what he was looking at, so that must not have been his real question.
And then a thought hit Hiruzen like a sturdy adult Akimichi charging at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Budding children could be oh-so-very awkward about certain… parts… of their growth. Now, Orochimaru might be but a child, but he was likely curious about a certain part of his anatomy, hence his indirect way of asking about it.
Hiruzen smiled.
'Ah, the time in a boy's life when flight turns to fancy…'
Never mind the fact that Orochimaru probably didn't even know what sex was. Or had even a remote interest in the fairer sex. But then, hey, Jiraiya had a healthy respect for the ladies already, right? Orochimaru was probably just being shy. They all had to start somewhere.
Ignoring the somewhat nervous look Orochimaru was now giving him – Hiruzen had been awfully quiet as he pondered Orochimaru's question – Hiruzen chuckled, placed a proud hand on Orochimaru's shoulder, and started steering him away from the graves.
"Well, Orochimaru, when a man and woman love each other very much…"
Jiraiya gnashed his teeth and shook a fist angrily at a teenager who was plastered to his favorite spot in the whole damn bathhouse. On the men's side, anyway. The women's side was basically nirvana, but he never could hold up a convincing transformation for long in there. The raven-haired teenager was hogging the only good peeping hole, the one spot Jiraiya hadn't been able to access for months!
Months!
"Damn it, Orochimaru! Let another hot-blooded male have a turn! You've been like this for over a year!" Jiraiya made an exaggerated motion with his hands, having them on one side and then shifting them to the other side. "Complete mission, beeline to the peeping hole… Every time I try to exploit a time when you aren't there, there's just a pair of old biddies in there! Every! Time!"
Basically, Jiraiya had to get out of team missions to get a shot at the Divine Peeping Hole, and even then there was always, always, always someone else there! Like Sakumo! It was maddening!
"Jiraiya, be quiet." Orochimaru hissed, shooting his teammate a sideways glare. "I am conducting… research."
"That was my thing!" Jiraiya bellowed as he stomped in the water frustratingly. Regrettably, this had the unintended effect of garnering the attention of every single woman bather next door.
"Did you hear that?"
"Sounded like a peeping tom!"
"JIRAIYAAA!"
Jiraiya and Orochimaru both paled at that last one. Jiraiya pointed a shaky finger at the wall Orochimaru was next to, his eye twitching.
"Y-You did not…" The white-haired teen sucked in a sharp breath. There were certain unwritten, unspoken rules of the Bro Code that the hot-blooded males of Team Hiruzen followed religiously. One such rule was never to rat each other out – which Jiraiya grudgingly admitted he'd broken – but another rule… Orochimaru broke that one.
At least, if the abrupt annihilation of the wall separating the two sides of the bathhouse was any indication. Rule the Second of the Unwritten, Unspoken Bro Code: Never, ever peep on Tsunade. She would know the second one of them decided to do that. Even Sarutobi-sensei with that pervy crystal ball of his.
Especially Sarutobi-sensei.
Jiraiya cursed his raven-haired teammate, who had the sense to pull off a witty Substitution with a number of snakes. Damn that sonuvabitch. He broke Rule the Third of the Unwritten, Unspoken Bro Code: Never leave your Bro at the mercy of a raving mad Tsunade.
There was simply no mercy to be had. Dick. Move.
"Mmm. Orphans. Shall we leave them in the care of a homely brothel? Little chance of Hanzo getting them there."
Tsunade venomously eyed her teammate for making such a suggestion. Unconsciously, she hugged Konan protectively; oddly enough, none of the orphans objected to her doing that. Jiraiya, well… he didn't dare voice his thoughts. While he thought Orochimaru's suggestion was out-of-line, he didn't think it amoral either.
Eh, it could be their absolute last viable option. Don't judge him. He had to support his fellow pervert.
"I just don't understand why it didn't sell more…" Jiraiya sighed morosely as he cradled a copy of his now-published Tales of a Gutsy Ninja. "You'd think it'd be popular at least among those into the adventure genre."
Orochimaru scoffed at his teammate as he scribbled away at a nearby bench.
"Naruto didn't even get laid. What did you expect? If you want fans, you need to… spice things up a little."
"Maybe…" Jiraiya conceded. "I do have a few ideas for a series of smut… but I need more research. And I'd probably have that research done if somebody didn't hog the new peeping hole all the time…" He sent Orochimaru an accusing glare.
Orochimaru didn't even bat an eye as he continued to scribble something or other.
"Don't look at me. If you can't be bothered to make a new peeping hole for yourself, or consult racy magazines, or even branch out into sneaking into the homes of kunoichi to peep on them, then I don't know what to tell you. You're obviously not trying hard enough."
Jiraiya twitched as he pointed accusingly at Orochimaru.
"I have tried some of that stuff, but you always get in my way!"
"Meh. Still not my problem, Jiraiya."
Not his fault he and Jiraiya had similar tastes in women. Still. Perhaps it was better this way. If Jiraiya actually accomplished enough research to start a smut series of his own, it might cut into the profits for his smut series.
Orochimaru certainly couldn't have that.
"Orochimaru." Hiruzen cleared his throat as he confronted Orochimaru in his study. For that's what he had, a study filled to the brim with perverted books.
Not a laboratory filled with revolting experiments.
"What is it, Sensei?" Orochimaru asked in a bored tone as he perused a rough draft of his current perverted work, not even bothering to look up at his Sensei when he entered the room.
Hiruzen cleared his throat again as he tried to compose himself – a small trickle of blood gushing from his nose as he clung to Orochimaru's latest published novel in his right hand.
"I… er-hem. I've, ah, given it some thought, and I think the village might greatly benefit if you were to help us… branch out. I vaguely recall you petitioning for a research facility outside the village some time ago, and, uh, I'm… I'm sorry I rejected your request all those years ago. It was foolish to think it was some clever ploy to rebel against the village when in fact the Land of Fire has some of your favorite, ah, research material. I would… I would allow you to construct such a facility if you are still interested."
A tense silence followed as Orochimaru scratched a few notes on the draft he was working on. Still without looking up or detracting from his task at hand, Orochimaru spoke matter-of-factly.
"… This is about the all-women utopia described in my latest work, isn't it?"
He didn't even have to ask. Of course it was about that particularly perverted scene. Hiruzen dabbed at the nose bleed that gushed out even more as that particular scene came to mind.
"Um… well… quite frankly… yes."
Another tense silence.
"I will need village funding, and the promise of village protection if I step on any other village's toes."
"Done." Hiruzen said without hesitation.
"I will try to stick to orphaned girls who have nowhere to go, but you of course know that not all plans will go perfectly. Might mistake a Hidden Cloud kunoichi or two for an orphan."
"Of course."
"Tsunade can never know of this. Or darling little Anko. Poor dear."
"I will ensure Dan keeps her out of the loop. Anko will be kept ignorant as well."
"Good. Oh, and breathe a word to Jiraiya about my facility's location, and you can be sure I will shut it down immediately. I cannot risk him frightening my pet kunoichi. You know how vital my research is."
"Of course."
… They went on like this for some time.
Orochimaru hummed thoughtfully as he casually strode through the 'dangerous' Forest of Death. Dangerous for Genin testing to be Chunin, perhaps, but never dangerous for Orochimaru. It'd been something of a hunting ground for him ever since Hiruzen gave the green light to use the Chunin Exams for kidnapping kunoichi with 'potential', right under the noses of the other Great Nations.
By 'potential', we do not mean their battle potential.
'What a sad turnout this year…' Orochimaru mused to himself as he casually walked past corpses and through Genin in the midst of battle as if they weren't fighting at all. 'The Yamanaka heiress and the Hyuga heiress have the most potential so far, but I cannot kidnap them. Can't create a headache for Sensei with those clans.'
Eventually, Orochimaru had borne witness to just about all the Genin teams. No kunoichi particularly piquing his interest.
And then… he saw her. Flat as a board, short temper, of civilian background, yes… No one would miss her. And he'd even get the chance to see if the pink-haired harpy would grow huge jugs as Tsunade did. Perhaps she would allow him to intimately observe that process of growth; Tsunade never did…
Without a single word to the blond or the raven-haired children, Orochimaru scooped up the pinkette and cradled her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Then he walked off. The poor girl's teammates were so dumbfounded they didn't even move… oh, and it might've been the Genjutsu wearing off, too. Can't have a pair of brats kicking up a storm about their female teammate. Sarutobi-sensei said to keep it quiet.
And to think Orochimaru turned out this way. But then, with two perverts on his team and a female teammate who turned out really hot, could you really say he stood a chance?
Author's Note: … I'm done. That….. I'm sorry, but that was fun. XD I know I always joke about a perverted/pedophilic Oro-chan, so I figured, why not actually make it happen? Sorry if you didn't care for it; I did try my best to make it funny. :P
A bit late for Review Replies, so I'll get to those tomorrow.